Thursday, May 8, 2008

TOTAL RECALL: 5.0 out of 5 stars

What's in da two week package?, September 30, 2007

Oh boy! Its Sid the Elf here to review Total Recall. We just can't get enough Arnold. Just hearing the guy talk is enough for a few stars. However, this review will not be the typical recounting of cheesy special effects, and how the plot cannot be possible because of the time-space continuum. This is Sid the Elf baby! You know what that means? Thats right: It's turbo time! If we, Sid the Elf, are reviewing this film, chances are it is pretty sweet and really funny. In Total Recall, Arnold plays Douglas Quaid. This is one of the coolest parts in movie history. He is a good-natured guy who will, if you cross him, rip your arms off and beat you to death with them. He is an adventurous and somewhat discontented construction worker in 2084 who has a strange fixation with Mars and wants to vacation there. That would be like wanting to vacation in Detroit now. His wife, played by "just starting to become hot" Sharron Stone, does not want to do that vacation, oddly. So, Arnold decides to get a vacation memory of Mars implanted, which apparently you will be able to do. Yeah, awesome. So, it turns out that his life now, as a construction worker, is a memory implantation. He's actually a secret agent on Mars, fighting a dictator who sells oxygen to the citizens. And his wife is a double agent who tries to kill him. Was this a political commentary on where America is heading? Sid doesn't know, but he does know that this movie rocked. It was an awesome premise for a movie, and it actually was the perfect vehicle for Arnold. This flick had 35 soundboard lines. Yes, 35. That's good enough to break into the Arnold movie pantheon. We even thought Total Recall was in the same league as Predator.

You can't argue Arnold's prowess. His hilarious voice and rippling muscles have a magnitism that can't be touched. He is totally dominating Sid's reviews right now. Total Recall is too good to not give the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval, 5 stars, or Joe Bob's Drive-In Totals. So, here it goes:

2 neck snappings(1 with a foot, which we doubt is even possible. B-alert!)

6 objects implanted in heads

1- 3 breasted chick...

and roughly 386 hilarious Arnold faces (note: from now on, when someone is straining so much that it looks like their teeth are trying to run away from their mouth that face will be known as the Arnold Total Recall face, the Douglas Quaid face, or the I Am Quaid face.)

Click here for movie trailer:

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