Thursday, May 8, 2008

MISSING IN ACTION III: 5.0 out of 5 stars

The International call for distress is NOT S.O.S. it's Chu-chi yi! Chu-Ci yi! Braddock! Braddock!, January 21, 2008

First the tragedy: we, Sid the Elf, had to review Missing in Action III as a part of the Don't (expletive deleted) with Chuck collection. Come on Amazon! You're better than that baby. Any movie that contains the line, "I don't step on toes, Lil' Jon, I step on necks" needs to be featured on the Amazon page. It's not even sold separately. That's amazing. This film was good enough to be viewed and loved by Sid, so you know its golden diapers. The star was Chuck enough said. We were thinking it was impossible for the man to have anymore enemies to beat or necks to snap, but we were wrong.

This time Braddock goes up against his most ruthless and terribly acted foe yet. Sid has learned that the terrible actor who cackled maniacally after every threat is a distant cousin to Mr. Chan, from the one and only Death Ringof course. This is a man who shockingly gunned down Chuck's malnutritioned POW wife and tortured Chuck and his son who inexplicably called Braddock by his last name. And that wasn't even one of the 10 most inexplicable things in the film. You gotta love the Norris style. The man took all great things 80's and made them his own. For a solid 5 year stretch, when you thought of the blond mullet, a picture of Chuck, topless and shaking water from his hair popped into your head. Beautiful. Rumor also has it that in Chuck's contract, there was the famous explosion quota and the clause that at least one cheesy 80's love song had to be used in the film. And the best thing about Chuck's films: he never deviated. You pop in a Norris classic, like Missing in Action III, you know what you're getting. But this one had a little something extra. We don't know if it was the grenade implanted in the guy so when he hit the ground he would explode, the extraordinary amount of footage of Chuck with no shirt on, or Norris's and his co-stars' especially terrible acting. But it was amazing nevertheless. So, on Sid the Elf's recommendation, watch Braddock: Missing in Action III. It's Norris at his finest.

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