Sunday, May 18, 2008

HARD TO KILL: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Steven Segal and Kelly LeBrock reign as the King and Queen of B, May 8, 2008

In 1990, after an excruciating two year wait, the film world was blessed with Steven Segal's second masterpiece, Hard to Kill. The work of cinematic art also stars William Sadler(Heywood from Shawshank Redemption), and Kelly LeBrock. LeBrock and Segal were actually married at the time this film was made. LeBrock was one of the hottest chicks in the 80's, then ballooned up enough to cement her status as B with a Celebrity Fit Club appearance a couple years ago. How did Segal land her? How has he fooled people enough to appear in 20 films? It's like the guy has the whole world hypnotized. Considering how irrelevant they both are now, how funny is it that they were married. And until 1996. I can't even imagine how their relationship was at the end there. Did Segal divorce her because she finally beat him in a hot dog eating contest and he couldn't stand it? I don't get it, but it somehow adds to the b of Hard to Kill doesn't it? You know what else does? The plot.

In the movie, Segal plays Mason Storm, no seriously. Storm is a cop(shocker!) who films some mobsters and a politician making some illicit deal. When he gets home, corrupt cops who are in on the deal, shoot up Segal and his family. His wife is dead, Segal is in a coma, and his son jumps out the window but survives. Words cannot do it justice, believe me it was awesome. And a little tough to take. Segal got totally lit up. Sid always thought Segal's ponytail grease would save him somehow in moments like this. And, one of the corrupt cops was the guy who got forked in the hand by Denton Vachs! If you don't know what movie that's from, shame on you.

So, Segal is in a coma for SEVEN years. And his smoking hot nurse falls in love with him while he's in the coma. Are they serious? Were they intentionally going for the soap opera parallels? The portion of the movie that featured Segal in the coma and trying to recover from being a vegetable for seven years was the best in the movie. It kept on giving. There was the unforgettably uncomfortable scene when LeBrock lifts up Segal's bedsheet while he's in the coma to get a look at the Segalsage. Her reaction when she saw it: "PLEASE wake up." Oh the baby! Then, once Segal was out of his coma, he gave himself acupuncture to regain the muscle function in his legs. Read that again. Obviously, Segal gets his son back. The kid has been living with Segal's old partner. Segal ends up finding out that Senator Vernon "And you can take that to the bank!" Trent was the politician talking with the mobsters the night he got shot. So, he goes to Trent's mansion and kills like 15 of Trent's men before holding the Senator at gunpoint. Just then, the cops bust in! And they don't arrest Segal, they arrest the U.S. Senator. Then, Segal is walking away with his son, the old tape Segal shot is playing-and it ends. The credits roll, as they would in any self-respecting B.

Hard to Kill will be as ridiculous for you to watch as it was for Sid to try to review. But, if you can watch it while imagining Segal and a buddy sitting in Segal's house trying to write the script it will be just a hilarious, transcendent movie watching experience. The number of times Seagal said things like, "Yeah, then I have atrophy from the coma. And I...I give myself acupuncture to cure it!" must have been astounding. And, this movie has historical significance. It is the first time Segal wasn't indestructible in his movies. The only other time this happened was in Executive Decision. During that filming, Segal's tantrum over the fact that he dies in the movie held up shooting for three days. That's the Segal we all know and love, with an ego as big as his giant gut. So, if you feel like laughing at the man who once gave us the quote: "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol" then watch Hard to Kill. Sid recommends!
Click here for movie trailer:

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