Sunday, May 11, 2008

SILENT RAGE: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Has Chuck Norris ever lost a fight? Oh no, Sid forgot, that's one of the signs of the apocalypse, March 5, 2008

In 1982 the film world was blessed with the marriage of two unstoppable forces: the awesome horror genre, and the human machete, Chuck Norris(because he cuts down anything in his path). The result was positively mind-blowing. We, Sid the Elf, did not give Silent Rage 5 stars for any other reason other than it was an absolute b masterpiece.

First, the plot. Basically, this film is a more b, sci-fi version of the 1978 horror classic Halloween (Divimax 25th Anniversary Edition). Silent Rage was made in 1982, so it's clearly a direct ripoff which adds so much to its B level. The difference in this one, though was they made a huge upgrade. Sid loves Loomis, loves him. But, not even Loomis can beat out an often shirtless, cowboy hat wearing Chuck Norris. Who was at the height of the flowing blond mullet stage here. The movie revolves around a brutal killer, played by the same guy who played Ramon the pool man in Seinfeld. This guy gets morbidly injured and is brought to the hospital. One of the doctors just can't accept the fact that this wonderful human is gone, so he decides to defy logic, reason, and science to bring the guy back to life and make him totally indestructible in the process.

So, this guy goes on another killing spree, but this time he picked the wrong place. That's right, he picked the town whose sheriff just happens to be Chuck Norris. Wow, seriously, talk about an all-time stupid decision. Too bad those doctors didn't fix Ramon's brain. Sid is just sad that Ramon couldn't talk, because if he did he probably would have been less than truthful with Chuck about his crimes. Then, we could have heard Chuck get mad at Ramon, run down his crimes and at the end of the list add, "and LYING to the sheriff." Having Ramon being a mute was just one of the things they did to make this flick extreme b. When they were trying to get the point across that Ramon was indestructible they showed holes that had been shot into him, just close up. It looked like someone stuck their finger in tan jello then pulled it out. The acting could not have been worse, either. Ron Silver, credited as Sal Pachino for some reason, was unbelievably b. His awful/wonderful performance came to crescendo when his corpse was hanging on the back of the door and his eyes were darting back and forth like he was at a tennis match. Also, Chuck has never been better. He even tried some comedic one-liners. You haven't lived until you see the Chuck Norris "OK, this line is coming up in a second and I have to nail it" face. Ironically, he passed down this wonderful trait to his son Mike Norris which is exemplified in the famous "B.S." scene in the classic Death Ring.

And what about the final fight scene between Norris and Ramon? It was a work of art. You had alternating closeups of Ramon and Norris. Ramon making his "I'm mad and crazy and I smell bad enough that it's even bothering me" face. And Chuck making his "Dude, I'm Chuck Norris, you are so freaking dead" face. Add to that, the music. Sid thought this was genius. Anytime you have a showdown scene between two guys in a horror movie the music should always be pornoesque. It is a mortal lock to creep the viewer out every time out of the gate.

So, at the end of the scene, Chuck roundhouse kicks Ramon down the well. Sid wouldn't change a thing. And you know it's coming, the guy jumps out of the well water as the credits roll and the cheesy title song plays. The only thing that was missing was the prospect of watching Silent Rage 2 and reviewing it next week. It's not too late Chuck! It's only been 26 years. Pull a Stallone for Sid, please.

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