Thursday, May 8, 2008

MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE: 3.0 out of 5 stars

Let's give Segal a mulligan on producing this one. He was distracted by the on-set buffet! , December 17, 2007

We, Sid the Elf, are worried that Steven Segal, the early favorite for a 2008 woody, will take a reduced acting role in the new B he's now producing. Don't do it Segal! Sid needs you in Unintentional Comedies like fans of your smooth ballads need you to keep pumping out albums. Yeah, albums. Segal actually took time away from his lucrative film and competitive eating careers to make sweet sweet baby-making music.

This is why Mercenary for Justice fell short of Sid's lofty expectations for a Segal flick. He just wasn't in it enough. This movie had a killer ending, which was the only part of the plot that revolved around Segal, of course that might be because the man has his own gravitational pull at this point. There is one point when they show him from a profile view in a suit. He has a distinctly white Biggie Smalls on the cover of Life After Death vibe. Which brings up another point. Since when did Segal start talking like he's black? I guess all those years of working with illustrious actors such as Treach, DMX, and Ja Rule have taken their toll on our favorite portly-size action star. Segal is like aging adult-film star at this point. The camera angle has to be perfect, and the action better be sped up to keep the viewer um...interested. Like we said in our Urban Justice review they need to do some very fancy camera work to make a 285 pound senior appear to be moving quickly.

So, Sid's final thoughts: this is a movie that makes no sense whatsoever. But, if you're looking for a movie to pop in and get some unintentional comedy laughs at, look no further than Mercenary for Justice; starring Steven Segal, his huge pot belly, and his Michael Myers wig.

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