Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Sid the Elf's Link of the Week

Proud of myself? You're damn right I am.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

B movie clip of the week

This week's clip comes from one of our favorite eras of B, the early 90's. Yes the same time period that brought us Death Ring also had many other choice films including a lot of B horror. This one is known simply as "Grim." In this disaster it appears that a group of awful actors paid in chalupas unleash an ancient demon that demolishes anyone/thing in its' path. The budget couldn't have been more then $75 and the special effects had to be done by an elementary computer class that took the short bus to school. Kick back and enjoy this B horror masterpiece. I assure you it will not disappoint.


HARD TO KILL: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Steven Segal and Kelly LeBrock reign as the King and Queen of B, May 8, 2008

In 1990, after an excruciating two year wait, the film world was blessed with Steven Segal's second masterpiece, Hard to Kill. The work of cinematic art also stars William Sadler(Heywood from Shawshank Redemption), and Kelly LeBrock. LeBrock and Segal were actually married at the time this film was made. LeBrock was one of the hottest chicks in the 80's, then ballooned up enough to cement her status as B with a Celebrity Fit Club appearance a couple years ago. How did Segal land her? How has he fooled people enough to appear in 20 films? It's like the guy has the whole world hypnotized. Considering how irrelevant they both are now, how funny is it that they were married. And until 1996. I can't even imagine how their relationship was at the end there. Did Segal divorce her because she finally beat him in a hot dog eating contest and he couldn't stand it? I don't get it, but it somehow adds to the b of Hard to Kill doesn't it? You know what else does? The plot.

In the movie, Segal plays Mason Storm, no seriously. Storm is a cop(shocker!) who films some mobsters and a politician making some illicit deal. When he gets home, corrupt cops who are in on the deal, shoot up Segal and his family. His wife is dead, Segal is in a coma, and his son jumps out the window but survives. Words cannot do it justice, believe me it was awesome. And a little tough to take. Segal got totally lit up. Sid always thought Segal's ponytail grease would save him somehow in moments like this. And, one of the corrupt cops was the guy who got forked in the hand by Denton Vachs! If you don't know what movie that's from, shame on you.

So, Segal is in a coma for SEVEN years. And his smoking hot nurse falls in love with him while he's in the coma. Are they serious? Were they intentionally going for the soap opera parallels? The portion of the movie that featured Segal in the coma and trying to recover from being a vegetable for seven years was the best in the movie. It kept on giving. There was the unforgettably uncomfortable scene when LeBrock lifts up Segal's bedsheet while he's in the coma to get a look at the Segalsage. Her reaction when she saw it: "PLEASE wake up." Oh the baby! Then, once Segal was out of his coma, he gave himself acupuncture to regain the muscle function in his legs. Read that again. Obviously, Segal gets his son back. The kid has been living with Segal's old partner. Segal ends up finding out that Senator Vernon "And you can take that to the bank!" Trent was the politician talking with the mobsters the night he got shot. So, he goes to Trent's mansion and kills like 15 of Trent's men before holding the Senator at gunpoint. Just then, the cops bust in! And they don't arrest Segal, they arrest the U.S. Senator. Then, Segal is walking away with his son, the old tape Segal shot is playing-and it ends. The credits roll, as they would in any self-respecting B.

Hard to Kill will be as ridiculous for you to watch as it was for Sid to try to review. But, if you can watch it while imagining Segal and a buddy sitting in Segal's house trying to write the script it will be just a hilarious, transcendent movie watching experience. The number of times Seagal said things like, "Yeah, then I have atrophy from the coma. And I...I give myself acupuncture to cure it!" must have been astounding. And, this movie has historical significance. It is the first time Segal wasn't indestructible in his movies. The only other time this happened was in Executive Decision. During that filming, Segal's tantrum over the fact that he dies in the movie held up shooting for three days. That's the Segal we all know and love, with an ego as big as his giant gut. So, if you feel like laughing at the man who once gave us the quote: "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol" then watch Hard to Kill. Sid recommends!
Click here for movie trailer:

THE FINAL SACRIFICE: 5.0 out of 5 stars

The Final Sacrifice is the greatest thing produced by Canada since--um, well, ever. April 30, 2008

It might seem a little strange that we, Sid the Elf, are reviewing The Final Sacrifice. You know, considering that it's not on the MST 3k dvd and all. But, Sid only cares about the B; and he would be doing himself and his fans a great disservice by not informing you about this great MST episode. If you've never heard of The Final Sacrifice, finish reading this review then head over to sidtheelf.blogspot.com, where you can watch the movie and eventually read all our reviews and see lots of other cool stuff. Sid defies you to spend less than 30 minutes there. Anyway, on to the review.

The Final Sacrifice is a terrible low-budget Canadian film made in 1990. Its main character is a horribly awkward teenager named Troy MacGregor. He apparently is an orphan, and one day he stumbles upon some of his dad's things. This includes a treasure map-seriously. So, he naturally follows the map in order to figure out some things about his dad. A classic moment happens when he finds a picture of his father and the MST guys say, "Look, Larry Csonka!" This was great because the guy was a dead ringer and because they played off of this joke for the rest of the show. So, Troy is following his treasure map and he suddenly is being chased by a creepy cult. The distinction of these guys was that they all wore black masks and black t-shirts(except the one guy who had a dark gray one; guess they couldn't spring the extra $5). These are the guys who supposedly killed Troy's dad, and now they're after him. They want to make Troy The Final Sacrifice. Now you get the title, right?

Troy finally finds a truck and hides in the bed. The truck belongs to the one and only Zap Rowsdower. "Is he a makeupless clown?" was the response from the guys. Awesome. This guy was either the best actor that has never worked again, or never worked again because he's a horrible actor. He so overdelivered his first line that it has become a staple in Sid the Elf's line playlist recently. For the record, the line is "Name's Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." He actually delivered the line like it was cool, like this was going to be his big break or something. Zap Rowsdower? He thought that was going somewhere? Even a porn producer would have said that the name sounds too made up. Anyway, the only way the actor(Bruce J. Mitchell) could be thought of as good was if it's a given that Rowsdower is supposed to be a fat, ridiculous drunk. If this is the case, Bruce deserved an Oscar because he nailed that. The best Rowsdower jokes were "Is there beer on the sun?" when Rowsdower is looking into the sky; and "Yeah! My drinking arm is healed," when his drinking arm got healed.

Rowsdower becomes Troy's ally and helps Troy escape the black tees. They also employ the help of Mike Pipper, who can best be descibed as an old coot. He actually sounds like Yosemite Sam, which the guys take full advantage of at every turn. "Know him? He was delicious!" Troy learns from Pipper that Rowsdower used to be in the cult and possibly killed Troy's father! But he didn't, he was too wasted. And that's pretty much it.

The thing that makes MST so cool is that the movies they have on are completely utterly unwatchable on their own. Then, when you throw in the guys making their quips and observations BAM, instant high comedy. Sid knows he's not alone when he wonders how they ever took this off the air.
Click here for link to movie. This one must be seen to be believed:

MORTUARY: 3.0 out of 5 stars

What were you expecting, honey? A tuna on rye?, April 10, 2008

Hello B fans, this is us, Sid the Elf, how are you? It's a double dip this week. We tackled Steven Segal in Pistol Whipped early in the week which naturally took a few days to recover from as the man is north of 400 lbs. Now we're back to review Mortuary. This film was directed by Tobe Hooper of Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, which was probably the only reason it ever made a theatrical release. This one smacked of straight to dvd. Those of you who know Sid's reviews know that this is not a problem. In fact, there was a lot to like about Mortuary. We felt like the film had all the elements of being a certified 5 star B, but fell short.

The plot of the film revolves around the Doyle family which includes Mom(Leslie) and her two kids, Jonathan and Jamie. The mother, in her infinite wisdom decides to become a mortician. Of course! Isn't that the job of choice for every single mother with an 8 year old girl? So, Mom buys a completely dilapidated house in California. This place could be a real beauty though, with the embalming room for a basement and a graveyard in front. Sounds like a dream right? How could these people not know there was going to be trouble? Then Jonathan gets a job at the local diner where he learns the story of Bobby Fowler, who used to live in Jonathan's new house and some say still does. In a nutshell, Bobby was the great grandson of Zeb Fowler, who started the mortuary. Bobby was a disfigured freak when he was born so his parents covered his face with a burial shroud and locked him in his room with bars on his windows and everything. Good times all around. Legend has it that Bobby killed his parents and still lives in his old house. Before we move on, let's get something out of the way: Mortuary had two HUGE parallels to The Final Sacrifice, the transcendent Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie. By the way, look for a review of The Final Sacrifice from Sid as part of MST 3000 season 9 in a few weeks. First, the Zeb Fowler character. That sounds an awful lot like..."Hey kid, I'm Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." And, if you don't think Jonathan doesn't strike an eerie resemblance to the legendary Troy McGreggor, Sid doesn't know what to tell you.

At this point we're about 40 minutes into the movie and it finally starts to get really cool. That's Sid's problem with the film, they concentrated way too much on the family settling into the new house and blah blah blah. The only thing this accomplished was you got attached to the little girl, Jamie. This is essential in a horror movie, to have someone you absolutely do not want to be harmed. She was it, anyone else would have been fine. Not her, not her. Anyway, here you have the awesome scene where the townies(1 goofy guy and 2 smoking hot chicks) go into a crypt to have a quasi-threesome. Great scene because it was totally unexpected. So, they get attacked by this weird vine-like stuff and it turns them into zombies. Meanwhile, Mom is embalming a corpse, and she gets attacked by it and also turns into a zombie. Yep, a real zombie movie. Pretty cool idea to revive the concept. So now the zombies are after Jonathan and his friends, one of whom gets a zombie hand through the chest. Sweet.

Now, the crew is trying to get away from the zombies, including the mom. They eventually hit the epicenter of the evil activity that has been plaguing the house for centuries. It's like a well filled with evil. The zombies are trying to feed Jamie to it. Not cool. They have to find a way to prevent this. They finally do. You ready for what the solution was? Rock salt. Yeah, just pour rock salt into the well of pure evil. That should do it. But, whatever, you knew they were going to get away. So, they're walking away, finally through with the ordeal. Jonathan is skipping along merrily doing his Troy "Rowsdower!" routine. And the ground opens up and something grabs him! And that's it, the movie ends.

Was this to leave the door open for a sequel, or to just give it a cool ending? Sid hopes it's option B. This movie was definitely decent. It even had one or two scary moments. Like when the bodies attacked Mom, that was nice. If it's Sid, he's saying the flick is worth checking out if you're an avid horror fan. However, it wasn't good enough to make a sequel. All in all, a tough movie to rate. Sid says when in doubt, 3 hot chicks in the movie = 3 stars.
Click here for movie trailer:

PISTOL WHIPPED: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Wait a minute, Steven Segal plays a fat, washed-up drunk? Yeah it's a stretch but Sid took a chance., April 7, 2008

Why was the title of this film Pistol Whipped? Is it because you feel like you were repeatedly hit in the head with a heavy metal object when you are through watching the movie? Maybe. It certainly didn't have a lot to do with the movie itself. It could have been called Pistol Snatched because Segal did his move where he grabs a gun that's pointed directly at him and disables it. So, at this point, the use of a gun in a Segal movie means nothing. It actually is more advantageous to not be armed. Sure, right. This is the same film in which Segal-who seriously looks like a panda bear at this point-hooks up with a smoking hot chick and has an even smoking hotter ex-wife. The point is that you have to know going in that this movie makes no sense. Absolutely none whatsoever; so don't try to figure it out or you'll end up cross-eyed with a blistering headache. Just sit back and bask in Segal's warm, glowing warming glow.

Segal stars as Matt(no last name given at all how great is that?) who is a degenerate gambler who never won. He's also a fall down drunk who has ballooned to roughly 415 since his days as a rouge cop. See, Segal used to play rouge cops, now he's playing washed-up rouge cops. Just like he used to be a movie star, now he's a washed-up movie star. So, our main character spends his days drinking cheap whiskey right from the bottle and eating Manwich straight from the can. Frankly, Sid was not sure if this part of the film was scripted or if they just shot a day at Segal's house. Then the thought dawned on us: if it wasn't scripted, Segal wouldn't have had clothes on.

Stealing a page straight from the Death Wish 3 playbook, Segal was offered to have a favor done for him if he killed someone. So, in order to have his gambling debts wiped off the books, Segal had to kill the coach from He Got Game, who was playing a mafioso. He also set the all-time record for saying "honest to God" 328 times in his only scene in the film which lasted like 6 minutes. Good times. Obviously Segal kills him, but this time he did it fashionably. Segal meets up with the coach at a restaurant, and clearly couldn't just take out the mobster without taking out his henchmen too. One of those henchmen got a fork through the hand. That's right, Death Ring style, baby! That's like an instant 3 stars anytime someone reminds Sid of the legendary Denton Vachs. Now the people who agreed to pay Matt the panda's debt don't let up and force Segal to kill more poeple. Shocker!

They want Segal to kill his ex-wife's new husband who is a cop. Supposedly, the guy is dirty, but we don't see that. We only see that he's great with Segal's daughter, including the touching scene when Segal can't spend the day with his daughter and the step-father berates Segal for being too drunk to hang out with the girl...again. Hilarious even if it wasn't the case (Segal was being forced to go on a hit assignment that day). But, then we see the stepdad kill the priest(don't ask, it's not important just know that stepdad is a baaad man). And, the movie wraps up with a showdown at the priest's funeral. It was Segal vs. the stapdad. Sid must say, this was one of the better shootouts in recent memory. Of course, Segal won. The cool part about the ending was Segal asked Stepdad, "Do you want to be buried or cremated?" before he killed him to which Stepdad answered, "Buried." Then, Segal blows him up and says, "You're cremated now, m'f'er!" Awesome!

We, Sid the Elf, know that it may seem like we were very negative about Pistol Whipped. No, it is not true. Pistol Whipped was the special kind of movie that the more things sucked about it, the better it was. If you know Sid, you understand. Anyway, this was completely due to the genius that is Steven Segal. The man stared in and produced this beauty. This saved the film because if Segal wasn't in charge of himself, he couldn't have talked like his illegitimate brother, Biggie Smalls, for the entire movie. He would have been ordered to redo his lines so you wouldn't have to turn subtitles on to watch the movie. He wouldn't have saved the production all that money on lights because any shot of Segal with his face in proper light would have made any viewer vomit. He didn't have to lose weight, as no other producer alive would have allowed him to be filmed boated and waddling around the set. Like we said, we loved Pistol Whipped. It's the cinematic equivalent of drinking heavily. You're confused throughout, you might not remember much, you may well vomit, and afterwards you feel hungover. But, did you enjoy the experience? Absolutely. Would you do it again? For sure. So, on the word of us, Sid the Elf, get a fifth of Pistol Whipped and turn it up. It always goes down smooth.
Click here for movie trailer:

THE HITMAN: 5.0 out of 5 stars

It usually rains in the Pacific Northwest. But when Chuck Norris is there it just hails...BULLETS!, April 3, 2008

The Chuck wagon keeps rolling with The Hitman. We, Sid the Elf, are only sad that eventually we will run out of Norris movies to review. Don't be at all shocked if we start reviewing Walker, Texas Ranger seasons soon. Anyway, The Hitman was a pleasant surprise to Sid. We knew the title, but we thought that there was no way Chuck would be playing a straight up hitman. He did, even if it was as an undercover cop. This just proves Chuck's depth, skill, and prowess as an actor.

At the start of the movie, Chuck plays a narcotics cop named Cliff Garrett. He is on a bust with his partner, who turns out to be dirty and shoots Chuck right in the chest, causing him to go through a plate glass window, fall three stories and land on a car. It was an absolutely harrowing sight to see a bloody Chuck being rolled into the hospital on a gurney. Somber mood in the North Pole at that point. Remember, this is Chuck, of course he wasn't dead. But he was pissed. He must have been really pissed, enough to infiltrate the mob undercover, become their top contract killer (or hitman, get it?), and painstakingly exact revenge on his bum of a partner and the gangsters who controlled him.

Now, Chuck goes by the name Danny Grogan, the fierce Irish hitman for the mob. Great names in this one, they probably took about 10 seconds to come up with. Adds to the B factor. He is called a mick several times throughout the film, which always gets a solid 8 on the comedy meter. And we thought we even heard Chuck call some guy a guido or something, and that always gets a solid 9 on the comedy meter if for no other reason than it makes Sid think of the legendary Dave Kleinfeld. Hey you, you wop! Anyway, imagine Chuck's already high level of toughness. Then it goes up when he plays a hitman, obviously. Now, he's playing an undercover cop hitman exacting revenge left and right! Ultra-tough, uber-tough movie all around. There was also a steamy love scene with Chuck, disturbing and hilarious at the same time. Speaking of disturbing and hilarious: what about the chunk of the film that focused on Chuck's To Catch a Predator-like relationship with the neighborhood kid? Made the film. The kid was being bullied by some mini-Nazis because he's black so Chuck taught him how to fight. Also, the kid went on to um... i guess star in Saved By the Bell: The New Class. Perfect! And, Sid really believes that Chuck used this opportunity to show that he could make an instructional karate video after The Hitman failed miserably. As a special added touch, the director, Aaron Norris(yep, Chuck's brother. Too good to be true, right?) gave us a fight scene between the black kid and his bully that has to be seen to be believed.

So, obviously, Chuck takes down everyone. The Italian mob, the French-Canadian mob, his dirty ex-partner, and the Iranian mob. The Iranian mob is possibly the most pivotal part in this film because their leader was a dead ringer for Borat. Sid is 138% convinced that Sasha Baron Cohen, or whatever, got high one night, caught The Hitman on cable at 2:30 am while eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch saw this guy and came up with the Borat character.

The Hitman definitely gets 5 stars from Sid the Elf. It had mobsters from Kazacstahn, the longest Norris mullet to date, and a future Saved by the Bell: The New Class cast member. There were too many tough lines from Chuck to count, including the famous scene that had Chuck calling roughly 24 guys "Camel Jockeys." You had an innumerable number of roundhouse kicks as always. And, introducing a new term to the reviews of B expert Sid the Elf, The Hitman had a DMF of 9. What is the DMF you ask? It's the Don Mattingly Factor. It has long been the theory of Sid the Elf that any good action B must have at least one guy that looks like Don Mattingly. You know, wavy mullet, handlebar mustache; all the things that make someone just look funny. Well, The Hitman had 9 by Sid's count! This is fitting because Don Mattingly's nickname? You guessed it. The Hitman. Coinsidence? Sid thinks not.
Click here for movie trailer. So tough it'll put hair on your chest:

HELLBOUND: 5.0 out of 5 stars

How can evil be defeated? Simple, put it in a room with Chuck Norris. , March 26, 2008

Hellbound: Seriously, was this a 95 minute hallucination or one of the greatest B horror movies ever? Sid could go on forever about all the things that made this movie perfect in every way, but we will try to keep it reasonable. We decided on this one after watching what Chuck could do to a foe in a horror movie in the classic Silent Rage. In our review of that one, we begged Chuck to do a sequel. Little did we know that we didn't need one, as Hellbound more than made up for the absence of Silent Rage 2: Ramon's Revenge.

The film starts in the Middle Ages with some Crusaders burying the demon in a stone casket and locking it with daggers. The demon is played by the same actor as the bad guy in "The Final Sacrifice," or "Rowsdower!" as it was titled in its North Pole release. Anyway, flash forward to 1951 and two homeless men somehow find the tomb. Instead of leaving it alone, they pull the daggers out so they can sell the stones on the handles. Even as it was happening, you knew it was a bad move. Of course, the demon pops out of the tomb like he was Sid jumping out of a stocking and goes nuts. Flash forward again to "Chicago Present Day" where Chuck is a hardass cop. This is especially illustrated when a street tough mouths off to Chuck and Norris naturally punches the guy 10 feet into the air onto a parked car. O yeah, the street tough was the one, the only Iceman! That's right, THE Iceman. As in "The Iceman has melted. Two more and I'm coming for you, Vachs." From Death Ring. The reaction by Sid was one of hillarity, excitment and sheer amazement all rolled into one.

Now, this movie was released in 1993. For two reasons Sid really hopes it was shot shortly before its release and not shelved for a few years first. Number one, there's a good chance that Norris shot this classic on hiatus from Walker Texas Ranger. Also, if it was shot in that 1992-93 period Chuck and Billy Ray Cyrus were the only people not living in a trailer park with mullets like that. Maybe Chuck tapped into his inner Segal and grew the back out for strength. Who knows? Now the demon is killing holy men in Isreal. So, of course they send Chuck and his partner Vanilli. I know you're asking yourself "Why would they send a Chicago cop to Isreal to investigate a killer?" The answer is that the power of Chuck in a Sonny Crockett costume and with the mullet flowing can beat anyone or anything as we would soon find out.

At the end of the flick, Chuck is trying to rescue his love interest, played by Arnold's love interest in Kindergarten Cop, from the demon. So, it's Chuck Norris vs. a roomful of demons. No contest, Chuck wins. He always wins. We've now seen him take down terrorists, several Vietnimeese POW camps, and pure unadulterated evil. This man is totally insane. When Chuck is taking on the boss demon, he unleashed quite possibly the most killer move in film history. That's right, the slow-motion, double right legged kick. Words cannot do it justice. It was breathtaking. Another aspect of this movie that brought it into the pantheon of B was that it shattered two previously long standing records. One for times Sid asked "What the hell is going on here?" and one for times Sid asked "What is this, are they serious?" Two absolute must questions for a classic B to evoke from its viewers, as you already know.

Now, Sid always goes the extra mile for his loyal fans, so we did some research and found out that Hellbound was once upon a time shown on Joe Bob's Drive-In theater. It was even nominated for a Hubbie. Sounds strangely similar to a Sid the Elf Woody award. Hmmm. In honor of that, here are Sid the Elf's drive-in totals:

1 heart being ripped out

1 impaling

1 hooker being thrown from a window onto a cop car

2 breasts

1 attempted baby sacrifice

1 30 minute stretch of film that nobody understood...

and 5682 punches/kicks landed by Mighty U.S. Warlord Premier Norris
Click here for movie trailer:

LEPRECHAUN 3: 3.0 out of 5 stars

Anytime Sid the Elf's Irish cousin stars in a movie, Sid reviews it. That's the rule.,
March 21, 2008

Leprechaun 3 was a last minute choice by your pal, Sid the Elf. The greatest reviewer of b since the great Joe Bob Briggs, Sid was all set to pop in a Norris flick. But, then we decided to embrace our elf brethren in honor of St. Patty's day. Actually, there are a few tie-ins here. It is an absolute certainty that this flick was shown on Joe Bob's drive-in theatre. Many times. And Irish Sid took a cue from the b legend Chuck Norris himself. This little guy was kicking butt at an obscene amount. Sid was not exactly what you would call sharp during his viewing of Leprechaun 3, but we swore we heard Irish Sid say "I don't need a weapon, I am one" at one point.

This is in the all-time pantheon of late night cable movies because it had no plot at all. So, you could be watching the flick and flipping between like 3 other things at the same time and not miss a thing. You would catch Irish Sid doing something cool, like when he bit off the Indian pawn shop owner's ear then said, "Mmm, I like Indian food. So spicy!" Oh boy! That's genuine b. Then you could watch something else for 15 or 20 min, come back and not be confused because there was absolutely nothing going on except the leprechaun running around like a little nutcase. Perfect for what it is.

But, and we know this might seem strange coming from Sid, this one might have actually been a little too b for its own good. Just hear us out. They knew this movie was going to be terrible from the jump, that's when you start to see all those one-liners. Somehow though, it kind of works coming from an elf. He was actually the bright spot in the flick. They are God's little punchlines. And the chick was stacked so that's always good. Also, the main character, Scott was classic. He was the puniest, lamest, wimpiest geek! Anyone who got a "Rowsdower!" anytime he appeared on screen is going to get a baster up from Sid. That's all the good. Here's what killed the movie: there were no actors to hang your hat on. At least Jack Klompus was in 2. And Derrick Morris, Jennifer Aniston, and Larry were in the first one. There wasn't even anybody that could be pegged with the classic Dom Cruise, Sal Pachino type joke in Leprechaun 3. This is absolutely essential to a hilarious b viewing. The only candidate was the magician, who Sid commented might be Jimmy Baio. Only this guy wasn't funny. His acting was so bad that he couldn't be made fun of, it would have been too obvious. It was the acting equivalent of curling up in the fetal position to avoid being attacked by a grizzly bear. And the other reason this guy wasn't funny? It turns out he actually was Jimmy Baio. Just sucked the enjoyment right out of the flick.

One last thing Sid didn't mention, this was supposed to be horror. Again it tried to be more funny than scary which is a cardinal sin for a horror flick. The only thing that inspires fear about Leprechaun 3 is that you know there's a Leprechaun 4. And the premise of that one? Leprechaun in space. Read that again. The possibilities are endless. Look for a Sid review on that one in the near future.
Click here for movie trailer:

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

Well this week is a sci-fi gem where the 2 stars are non other then Rowdy Roddy Piper and B veteren/Death Ring Alumni Billy Drago. After viewing this trailer you may feel that this is a joke but we assure you it's the real thing. Please kick back and spend 2 of the finest minutes of your life basking in the B glory that is called Sci-Fighters.


Sunday, May 11, 2008

ABOVE THE LAW: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Segal uncorks the film world and takes it for the very first time!, March 10, 2008

This was a hugely significant moment in film history. Above the Law was the first ever film of the now legendary Steven Segal. Yeah, this was his first film, but the man looked like he was in the zone from the first second of the film when we see him in his karate getup with two of the most ferocious sideburns to ever grace the big screen. To set the scene, the movie was made in 1988, and it was set in Chicago. And to top it all off, Segal's name in the film was Nico Toscani. So, basically, this film stared Segal, a few other people we know, and about 35 Bernie Kosar look-alikes with black curly A.C. Slater mullets and all.

One of the people we knew was the infamous Sharon Stone. She was about 4 years away from her breakout role in Basic Instinct here, and clearly fell into the category of Not Ready For Prime-Time. She was far from hot. Actually, she looked "a little chubby." (direct quote from an honorary Sid the Elf member for part of the movie) They even had her play the wet blanket wife in this one. Another person we knew was Segal's buddy from Vietnam who later became the CIA guy. It was the guy who played Eddie Harris in Major League and the bum that tried to run Coach Norman Dale out of Hickory in Hoosiers. This guy's got it. When he was having his terribly acted argument with Segal, Sid was waiting for him to break character and say, "Are you saying Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?" But it never happened.

That's one of the reasons we, Sid the Elf, could only give Above the Law 4 stars. Don't misunderstand, this is a terrific action B. But, it just was missing something. Sid's theory is that the lack of the Segal ponytail, double chin, and big gut made this one feel different. So, Segal was skinny and ponytailless but he did have what appeared to be the beginning stages of the Myers hair we all saw in Urban Justice. Also, Segal didn't have the role of goomba rouge cop perfected yet. This was the only role he played in his early movies, so he had enough practice to get it down by the time he nailed it perfectly in Out for Justice. While Nico was not as tough as Gino Felino, he was still man enough to take on the main villan who was played by Henry Silva wearing a Chevy Chase mask. One other thing, Segal DID kick a multitude of butt in Above the Law, but there was a serious lack of explosions. You don't get 5 stars as an action flick with no explosions. Not gonna happen.

Finally, like any good B Above the law was floating along and ended abruptly. It also had a few "wait, what's going on here?" moments and enough physically impossible things happening to make it certified B. Like when Segal was hanging onto the roof of the car going like 30 mph while choking the guy in the passenger seat. Sid loved that. It pushed the film into the upper echelon of action B and enabled us, Sid the Elf, to give Above the Law our Watchability Seal of Approval.
Click here for movie trailer:

SILENT RAGE: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Has Chuck Norris ever lost a fight? Oh no, Sid forgot, that's one of the signs of the apocalypse, March 5, 2008

In 1982 the film world was blessed with the marriage of two unstoppable forces: the awesome horror genre, and the human machete, Chuck Norris(because he cuts down anything in his path). The result was positively mind-blowing. We, Sid the Elf, did not give Silent Rage 5 stars for any other reason other than it was an absolute b masterpiece.

First, the plot. Basically, this film is a more b, sci-fi version of the 1978 horror classic Halloween (Divimax 25th Anniversary Edition). Silent Rage was made in 1982, so it's clearly a direct ripoff which adds so much to its B level. The difference in this one, though was they made a huge upgrade. Sid loves Loomis, loves him. But, not even Loomis can beat out an often shirtless, cowboy hat wearing Chuck Norris. Who was at the height of the flowing blond mullet stage here. The movie revolves around a brutal killer, played by the same guy who played Ramon the pool man in Seinfeld. This guy gets morbidly injured and is brought to the hospital. One of the doctors just can't accept the fact that this wonderful human is gone, so he decides to defy logic, reason, and science to bring the guy back to life and make him totally indestructible in the process.

So, this guy goes on another killing spree, but this time he picked the wrong place. That's right, he picked the town whose sheriff just happens to be Chuck Norris. Wow, seriously, talk about an all-time stupid decision. Too bad those doctors didn't fix Ramon's brain. Sid is just sad that Ramon couldn't talk, because if he did he probably would have been less than truthful with Chuck about his crimes. Then, we could have heard Chuck get mad at Ramon, run down his crimes and at the end of the list add, "and LYING to the sheriff." Having Ramon being a mute was just one of the things they did to make this flick extreme b. When they were trying to get the point across that Ramon was indestructible they showed holes that had been shot into him, just close up. It looked like someone stuck their finger in tan jello then pulled it out. The acting could not have been worse, either. Ron Silver, credited as Sal Pachino for some reason, was unbelievably b. His awful/wonderful performance came to crescendo when his corpse was hanging on the back of the door and his eyes were darting back and forth like he was at a tennis match. Also, Chuck has never been better. He even tried some comedic one-liners. You haven't lived until you see the Chuck Norris "OK, this line is coming up in a second and I have to nail it" face. Ironically, he passed down this wonderful trait to his son Mike Norris which is exemplified in the famous "B.S." scene in the classic Death Ring.

And what about the final fight scene between Norris and Ramon? It was a work of art. You had alternating closeups of Ramon and Norris. Ramon making his "I'm mad and crazy and I smell bad enough that it's even bothering me" face. And Chuck making his "Dude, I'm Chuck Norris, you are so freaking dead" face. Add to that, the music. Sid thought this was genius. Anytime you have a showdown scene between two guys in a horror movie the music should always be pornoesque. It is a mortal lock to creep the viewer out every time out of the gate.

So, at the end of the scene, Chuck roundhouse kicks Ramon down the well. Sid wouldn't change a thing. And you know it's coming, the guy jumps out of the well water as the credits roll and the cheesy title song plays. The only thing that was missing was the prospect of watching Silent Rage 2 and reviewing it next week. It's not too late Chuck! It's only been 26 years. Pull a Stallone for Sid, please.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN : 5.0 out of 5 stars

Sid is about to give Death Wish 4 some high praise: B is for Bronson, March 3, 2008

We, Sid the Elf, are staying in the world of Death Wish for as long as we can. This week we took the wonderful ride that was Death Wish 4. The Death Wish series seems to get better as they go along. Its like chicks: 3 is better than 2 and 4 is better than 3. By the time Sid gets done watching 5 in a few weeks, he might wet himself from sheer amazement and amusement.

First, Sid would just like to get to know Bronson. If it's Sid he says "This guy's got it." The man made maybe THE defining guy movie of all-time: The Dirty Dozen, then he made the Death Wish Series which are just cinematic pieces of exquisite art. Now, Sid's sources tell him, the guy has his own island in the Caribbean. Sid can only imagine what goes on on that island. Probably a lot of strange, strange things because Bronson has got to be a weird dude in real life.

But, Bronson makes some of the finest B around. And Death Wish 4 is no exception to this theory. Sid just knew this movie had a ton of upside potential when a future 90210 cast member(Nicky, Brandon's cute, spunky freshman girlfriend from the gang's senior year) appeared as Bronson's woman's daughter who just happens to be a druggie in the first 10 minutes of this movie. Actually, Sid knew this movie had tremendous upside potential when the chick in the opening scene performed a magic act by looking up and making guys appear. So, we had potential and Death Wish 4 delivered. It had all of our favorite elements of B.

Take special note of these occurrences of extreme crappiness. First, when Bronson was in the black hitman's apartment, Bronson hit him with the barstool. Then the guy obviously jumps out of the window. But, there's a twist here: the window clearly breaks a full second before the guy gets there. That's the damn Rolls-Royce of b-ness is what it is. Then, in the shootout at the oilfield, Bronson shoots the guy whose head goes through the car window. Before Bronson shoots the guy, he has no facial hair, but by the time Bronson shoots him he has grown a full 80's/David Crosby mustache. That's amazing.

Oh yeah, the plot. It can really be summed up briefly. Bronson gets hired to take down two drug cartels by the head of another gang posing as a wealthy do-gooder. So Bronson takes down the drug rings by knocking off maybe 40 or 50 guys which is completely realistic, there definitely wouldn't be like 100 guys in each organization. Then Bronson had to take out the guy who posed as the rich guy. This was possibly the finest moment in the movie. Bronson shoots the guy with a grenade launcher from about 15 feet away. Watching the incredibly fake-looking dummy they used blow up was funny beyond belief. Yeah, there were even explosions in this movie. On top of that, you had the Bronson slow-motion punches that somehow knocked guys out for a good 15 minutes. This is a move that would later be perfected by the immortal Steven Segal. One of the guys Bronson takes out is a corrupt detective who's controlled by one of the drug rings. So, add that on to Bronson's problems. We still don't get this guy. By the fifth and final movie they should just have him walking around with a rain cloud floating over him while he wears a grim-reaper costume. Sid thinks, though, the thing that's the best...and the worst about this movie is the fact that it was different in the respect that when you're watching a movie you predict what's going to happen next in your head. Everyone does it. And usually, you're way off base, right? That's why you're not a screenwriter. But, not with Death Wish 4. Every time Sid made a prediction in this one it came true. Example: one half Sid said to the other half Sid "Watch the cop just let Bronson go." And...exactly.

There were a couple other b veterans in this flick. We were very happy to see Soon-Tek Oh, the guy who famously played the evil POW camp ruler, Col. Yin in Missing in Action 2: The Beginning/Braddock: Missing in Action III. And the guy who played the drug lord posing as the wealthy newspaper owner was John P. Ryan who played Gen. Taylor in Delta Force 2 - Operation Stranglehold. As you already know if you're wise enough to be reading one of Sid's reviews, those are two guys from Chuck Norris movies. So, that made Sid think, "Why didn't Norris and Bronson ever do a movie together?" Then the answer became clear. If they did, the weight of toughness, cheesy 80's mustaches, and bad acting would make the world collapse on itself.
Click here for movie trailer:

Thursday, May 8, 2008

DEATH WISH III: 5.0 out of 5 stars

To all the aspiring B screenwriters out there: watch Death Wish 3 and take notes til your hand falls off, February 13, 2008

We, Sid the Elf, reviewed Death Wish 2 last week. We thought it was really good. Not bad by any means, but not a classic. So, when we popped in Death Wish 3, we were fully expecting a solid B effort from Bronson again. All the elements were there again, right down to the same awful synth music thankfully. Instead what did the old boy Charles Bronson give us? A true B classic! We were litterally hooked when you could see from a mile away that Bronson was going to get the death of his friend Charlie pinned on him. That was a "hmm, that's pretty cool, Bronson's finally going to jail" moment. Interesting that he finally went to jail for something he didn't do, but nothing groundbreaking. So, here we're thinking another solid 3 star effort. Then...the film jumps into full B mode. Reality and seriousness went completely out the window. From about the 20 minute mark of the movie, it's almost as if they realized that there is no way at all that this movie could be good or taken seriously so they decided to make it as bad/funny as possible(a B-movie must). In fact, Sid still isn't sure if the comedy here was intentional or unintentional. He's frankly banking on the latter.

Bronson's in jail and of course within about 8 seconds he gets picked on. The guy who would become the bad guy in the movie and one of his buddies start with Bronson. Well, the fight scene was only a few seconds long, but it sent a message: this movie is wonderful b. Bronson dodges an ax-handle before it even starts, then he kicks the guy in the stomach with his shin. This is just one of the devastating moves Bronson unleashes in this film. It's right up there with his one-armed push that sends a guy tumbling to the ground. Then the coach from Youngblood comes into the cell, breaks up the fight and turns the movie, the series, and Bronson's life on its ear.

He brings Bronson into his office and offers to let him out of jail and forget about the charges if Bronson does a hit for him. Out of everything that's happened in these movies this was probably the most far-fetched, and that's saying something. Now, up to this point, Bronson was a decent guy who just kept getting antagonized and snapping. So, you didn't hate him or label him as a bad guy. But, now, Bronson accepts a contract? Wow, just a quietly brilliant move by the writers. Now we have a cold-blooded killer in Bronson. Awesome! Now he could switch into full-fledged Dirty Harold mode because the barrier has already been knocked down. Bronson is released from prison and starts to go to work on the gang that killed his friend and terrorized that entire neighborhood. These guys were bad news. They were throwing Molotovs left and right, and even blowing up a few things. But what they really loved to do was knock women down and run off with their purses. They were the perfect gang for a B. Oh, and the leader of the gang? You guessed it, the guy that bullied Bronson in jail. He's now back on the streets with a bizaro-mohawk and some fruity war paint on his forehead. These guys were a gang in New York? We're sure? Not San Fransisco? Bronson now starts mail-ordering an arsenal and distributing ammo to all the seniors in the building where his friend lived. We swear this happened. In this section you have the old man in the Brooklyn Dodgers hat freaking out on a gang member and Bronson giving the Tony sign of virility to a neighborhood kid, adding to the homoerotic undertones of the film. We're also subjected to Bronson in a couple makeout scenes with his lady. If that's not bad enough, they zoomed in on Bronson's famous mustache when he was kissing her. Just really added to the B quality. Hilarious stuff that must be seen to be appreciated.

They really delved into the Bronson character in this movie. They even mentioned that Bronson went into semi-retirement between vigilante sprees by moving to the country during the hiatus, just like Sid said. See, we are true B experts. We can't say enough about the awkward love scenes with Bronson. They even show him shirtless at one point while he's famously butchering his lines again. Almost brings a tear to Sid's eye. They just don't make B like this anymore.

Of course, the neighborhood is safe after the residents band together with Bronson to take out the gang. And the movie ends with Bronson walking down the road looking for more victims of his vigilante ways. This totally leaves you salivating for Death Wish 4. If you're a B fan, Death wish 3 is a must-see. A tour-de-force really. Sid absolutely loved it, you will too.
Click here for movie trailer:

DEATH WISH II: 3.0 out of 5 stars

If we learn one thing, let it be that nobody ever should provoke someone with the name Charles., February 6, 2008

The list is as long as it is astounding. Bronson, Norris(as Chuck is short for Charles), Manson, Murphy(as Charlie is short for Charles). Sid could go on all day. This is like a public service announcement: If you meet someone named Charles or any variation, you better be as nice as you can.

We see this horrifying parallel again in Death Wish 2. In fact, you know what? Everything about this movie was horrifying. We, Sid the Elf were shocked that this movie was made in 1982. I mean, if I'm the only one I'll shut up. But this movie had a distinctly 70's feel to it. Maybe it was the curly white man fro on the leader of the gang, or the weird colors in Bronson's house, or maybe the music. Let's get that out of the way right now. The music in this movie was...atrocious, deplorable, hilarious; you know, they all actually work. It was like the producer couldn't find anybody to do the music and said to himself, "Well, I did get my 13 year-old nephew that Casio keyboard and synthesizer for Christmas(see? Santa treats everybody right!!!!) he could probably pull it off." Well, no it is not true. This film was just overpowered with weird sounding synth music that exaggerated every scene in the film. The music situation sums up the whole experience of watching this movie, really. If you're looking for quality, probably not your first choice. But, if you're looking for some really great, top-notch B look no further.

While there were so many things that made Death Wish 2 b, the one that stood out the most were all the questions this film brought about in Sid's head. For example, how did this black cloud of people antagonizing Bronson follow him cross-country? Isn't it historically unprecidented that guys would just keep finding women in Bronson's life to assault causing him to lash out on both coasts of U.S. and A, greatest country in the world? Why oh why did Bronson's daughter jump out of the window while running away from the men who had just assaulted her?(although, this did open the door to people getting impaled in movies, so it's a wash really.) Is this how life was back then?(Sid was just a baby elf and does not remember the early 80's well.) Did gangs of hooligans go around looking for ugly Mexican housekeepers to force themselves upon? How did they manage to make 5 of these? This is only the second film in the series, so how long did it take Bronson to realize that maybe he should just do everyone a favor and live in the mountains alone, instead of moving from city to city causing mayhem?(Sounds familiar, right? Sid thinks the Real World producers got their idea from the Death Wish series.) Finally, how in the world did Lawrence Fishburne become a successful actor after this?

So, we've just finished watching a little over an hour of people antagonizing Bronson, and him performing a huge amount of vigilante killings. All that's left is for them to wrap everything up in a nice little bow and everyone will be happ--and it just ends. The closing credits rolled as Sid stared at the screen in astonishment. One of the most perplexing/funny moments in Sid's memory when it comes to film. Words really cannot do it justice. It just added another layer to this already wonderful b.

Another thing that was very b, and frankly brought the film to a higher level was Bronson. There is no way, we mean ZERO chance that Bronson memorized a single line for this film with the exception of "Do you believe in Jesus? You're going to meet him." They absolutely had cue cards for this one. And Bronson always took that one extra split second to read and deliver his lines. This just added so much to the film and Sid could go on forever, but we digress. So, definitely catch Death Wish if you're looking for extreme b some enjoyable action and Bronson at his finest or his worst depending on your point of view.
Click here for movie trailer:

HALLOWEEN 2007: 3.0 out of 5 stars

Sid's take on the 2007 Halloween: It insists upon itself. January 30, 2008

This week we, Sid the Elf, decided to review the remake or whatever of the greatest horror film ever, Halloween. Now, we knew that this film was done by the ever-creepy Rob Zombie so we realized going in that things had a chance to get weird or stupid but this one was ridiculous. It was a remake of the classic, kind of but not really. And the parts that were the same as the original were different here. Sounds confusing? Well how about watching this in an altered state trying to figure it out?

The bulk of the film concentrated on Michael Myers's early life and his rise to the top of the world of serial killing. The funniest parts of this movie came in the section where the evil stepdad was making fun of a young Myers calling him a freak and questioning his sexuality while Myers stands there taking it while wearing a homemade mask. It doesn't get much funnier than that. You also had young Myers making the "I want to wrestle you so freaking bad" face whenever anyone made him mad. Well, when he wasn't wearing one of his little masks. That was great. Also, young Myers offered us a couple of freakouts. The one when he went off on Loomis was awesome. If this movie was not a remake of a classic, and stood on its own, it would have made a pretty good horror B as all the elements were there. However, when you look at this film as the remake that it was, it fell way short.

First, Sid would like to talk to you about Loomis. In the original, he was the best part about the film. Who could forget such classic lines as, "Tell your men to keep their eyes open and their mouths closed," along with many others. In the remake Loomis offered nothing, he had the blackest eyes, the devil's eyes. He even exploited Myers's psychosis by writing a book and going on a speaking tour over it. Then, there was Laurie. In the first film, she was sweet and innocent and you really did not want Myers to catch her. This was one of the things that made the original. In the new version, she was trashy and annoying. Sid was hoping they would change the ending and have Myers strangle her by the 30 minute mark. Finally, there was Myers. In this one, he was a giant goon, which does explain his freakish strength and adds a lot in the way of unintentional comedy. But, he was so goofy. Sid even joked that Kane was playing him, only to find out that it was actually a more b wrestler that we'd never even heard of! Big Sky is the guy's name for the record.

So, this film was ok at best. That's factoring in all the unintentional comedy by goofy Myers, young Myers, and the stepdad; and the um, comedic mood Sid was in. Appearances by Clint Howard and Danny Trejo helped ease the pain a little. Oh, and the few times the film featured "Don't Fear the Reaper" was a pretty cool nod to the original and to more cowbell. But, Zombie's version concentrated too much on the gore of Myers' killings and his disturbed past really trying to drive home the fact that this man is totally insane. Yeah, we kind of got that by the huge killing spree, but I guess when you're Rob Zombie that's not really enough to classify someone as off the reservation. This one is probably only worth checking out if you've never seen the original and want to settle in with a decent horror B or if you just want to make fun of fat young Myers for a little bit. All in all 3 stars, not great, not bad. It insists upon itself, I like The Money Pit.
Click here for movie trailer:

MISSING IN ACTION III: 5.0 out of 5 stars

The International call for distress is NOT S.O.S. it's Chu-chi yi! Chu-Ci yi! Braddock! Braddock!, January 21, 2008

First the tragedy: we, Sid the Elf, had to review Missing in Action III as a part of the Don't (expletive deleted) with Chuck collection. Come on Amazon! You're better than that baby. Any movie that contains the line, "I don't step on toes, Lil' Jon, I step on necks" needs to be featured on the Amazon page. It's not even sold separately. That's amazing. This film was good enough to be viewed and loved by Sid, so you know its golden diapers. The star was Chuck enough said. We were thinking it was impossible for the man to have anymore enemies to beat or necks to snap, but we were wrong.

This time Braddock goes up against his most ruthless and terribly acted foe yet. Sid has learned that the terrible actor who cackled maniacally after every threat is a distant cousin to Mr. Chan, from the one and only Death Ringof course. This is a man who shockingly gunned down Chuck's malnutritioned POW wife and tortured Chuck and his son who inexplicably called Braddock by his last name. And that wasn't even one of the 10 most inexplicable things in the film. You gotta love the Norris style. The man took all great things 80's and made them his own. For a solid 5 year stretch, when you thought of the blond mullet, a picture of Chuck, topless and shaking water from his hair popped into your head. Beautiful. Rumor also has it that in Chuck's contract, there was the famous explosion quota and the clause that at least one cheesy 80's love song had to be used in the film. And the best thing about Chuck's films: he never deviated. You pop in a Norris classic, like Missing in Action III, you know what you're getting. But this one had a little something extra. We don't know if it was the grenade implanted in the guy so when he hit the ground he would explode, the extraordinary amount of footage of Chuck with no shirt on, or Norris's and his co-stars' especially terrible acting. But it was amazing nevertheless. So, on Sid the Elf's recommendation, watch Braddock: Missing in Action III. It's Norris at his finest.



In Missing in Action II: The Beginning, Chuck Norris ends the POW crisis one snapped neck at a time., January 14, 2008

Missing In Action II: The Beginning. What a prophetic title for this unintentional comedy classic. It was the beginning of many things. It is the trailblazer in explosions occurring behind guys, and having them jump off a springboard to appear as if they're getting blown away. It started the template for every WWF match of the late 80's(it even featured Mr. Fuji as one of the evil henchmen)in the way that Chuck and his co-star Soon-Teck Oh Yeah obviously got together just 5 minutes before the final fight scene to rehearse their slow motion punches and kicks. The film is really a thing of beauty. And as far as we, Sid the Elf know, it was the first film in which a flamethrower was used. Read that again. Yes! Awesome! Major bonus points here.

Sid was nearly moved to tears when the evil Col. Yin placed a bag containing a provoked rat on a bound Chuck's head. The cruelty was alarming. But, a simple rodent going up against the all-knowing, all-powerful Chuck was no competition at all. Sid called it when he said, "Chuck's going to eat the rat and have the tail hanging out of his mouth when they pull the bag off." This is the kind of knowlwdge gained by THE B expert from his vast experience. We knew Chuck was eating the rat. And we wouldn't have it any other way. Well, now that Chuck had nourished his body with the high protein content of Vietnamese rat meat, he was as strong as a POW could ever be.

Still, Chuck was keeping his cool against the provocation of his captors all while never rebuking US and A, greatest country in the world. That is, until he was pushed over the edge. Then evil Col. Yin and his crew of flunkies were like a cobra's prey, ready to be pounced upon and struck at a moment's notice. At this point in the film, Sid found himself saying, "May Chuck Norris drink the blood of every man, woman, and child of Vietnam." And fortunately, Norris is a better man than Sid. He only drank the blood of all of his captors! He rescued his men, sent them away in a stolen drug chopper(don't ask) and stayed behind.

Why, you ask? Then you obviously don't know the Chuck formula. It goes like this: always be loyal, take the bad guys and finish them, and stay behind at a prison camp of which nobody knows the location and noone knows you are there to have a final showdown with the main bad guy, throw away your gun so you can fight him fair even though he has been torturing you and your comrades long enough for you to grow a horrific 70's porn beard, kick the wontons out of him while saying, "This is for (fill in name of fellow inmate). Then, a split second before you press the button to blow his lair to pieces, say, "And this is for me." Huge explosion (just one of the many in the film). And roll closing credits.

If you remember to abandon logic like with all unintentional comedy you should love this film. It is legitimately good. It really doesn't matter that they made a prequel that ignored all the flashbacks from the first movie right? Well, at least Sid thinks it can be made up for with some good old-fashioned American propaganda and a flamethrower.

Chills, right? Your goosebumps' goosebumps have goosebumps don't they? Exactly. Take Sid the Elf's word for it and see Missing in Action II. Oh, yeah you will freaking love it.
Click here for both movie trailers:

MISSING IN ACTION: 5.0 out of 5 stars

After Hurricane Chuck ravaged Southeast Asia not even a single lizard will survive in their jungle for the next thousand years., January 7, 2008

The reason for crisis in Southeast Asia was not due to economic, social, or political issues. It was not due to war or famine. It also did not start in the 60's as historians have stated. It started in 1984 when a massive natural disaster descended upon the region and movie theaters around the world. That disaster's name: John Braddock, played by the only one man force of nature: Chuck Norris. We, Sid the Elf, have said it before and we will say it again, Chuck Norris is a wrecking machine. The one theme in Missing in Action, as always, is don't (expletive deleted) with Chuck!

Missing in Action was Norris's signature film, and rightfully so. This film did not let up for one second, and Chuck the Tornado destroyed everything in its path for a solid 100 minutes. The opening credits rolled, and the explosions ensued endlessly. They even gave us the obligatory 'nam flashback to show you that Chuck was a little mental and he would probably be doling out the revenge on the Vietmineese for the duration. And since it's Chuck and all, he didn't disappoint. By Sid's count, he put down over 100 enemies. The first notch on Norris's bullet belt was not the one, the only Mr. Chan, the relentless manhunter from the ultimate classic Death Ring. It was in fact, none other than the immortal Jeff Wong, Casandra's dad from Wayne's World 2. Unfortunately, however, Chuck did not take him down in the same manner Wayne Campbell did. Instead Chuck showed his first flash of athletic greatness, flinging a knife 10 yards across the room right into Jeff's chest for his first completion of the day. Norris would be 3 for 3 for the film, with a perfect 100% kill rate. Proving that he can do anything, including becoming an NFL quarterback if his legendary film career sputtered.

In a slight breach of B etiquette, Chuck faced off against the main villian in the middle of the film. But the showdown didn't disappoint. Chuck made film history by shoving an ax head into the chest of his nemesis after Norris chopped the handle clear off. And you wonder why this guy has never met a butt he couldn't kick? But, don't let that suggest that it was not the typical action unintentional comedy. There were enough explosions to keep Sid entertained which is no small feat, plenty of sweet weapons, a funny token fat guy(the awesome diving coach from Back To School (Extra-Curricular Edition)), and a ton of Chuck's signature tough lines. In fact, to prove to you that this one was definitely a regular Sid pick, and totally worth seeing, we're bringing back an old favorite: Joe Bob's drive-in totals. Here they are:

2 stranglings

2 fatal knife throws to the chest

5 kicks/punches that seemed to kill guys

157 corpses

3 breasts

1 artillery raft

4 hateful Asian guys you just knew Chuck was icing and couldn't wait for it.

31 rocket launchings

279 grenade explosions

578941277552 rounds fired... and

one dead Jeff Wong(1927-1984). R.I.P.
Click here for movie trailer:

MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE: 3.0 out of 5 stars

Let's give Segal a mulligan on producing this one. He was distracted by the on-set buffet! , December 17, 2007

We, Sid the Elf, are worried that Steven Segal, the early favorite for a 2008 woody, will take a reduced acting role in the new B he's now producing. Don't do it Segal! Sid needs you in Unintentional Comedies like fans of your smooth ballads need you to keep pumping out albums. Yeah, albums. Segal actually took time away from his lucrative film and competitive eating careers to make sweet sweet baby-making music.

This is why Mercenary for Justice fell short of Sid's lofty expectations for a Segal flick. He just wasn't in it enough. This movie had a killer ending, which was the only part of the plot that revolved around Segal, of course that might be because the man has his own gravitational pull at this point. There is one point when they show him from a profile view in a suit. He has a distinctly white Biggie Smalls on the cover of Life After Death vibe. Which brings up another point. Since when did Segal start talking like he's black? I guess all those years of working with illustrious actors such as Treach, DMX, and Ja Rule have taken their toll on our favorite portly-size action star. Segal is like aging adult-film star at this point. The camera angle has to be perfect, and the action better be sped up to keep the viewer um...interested. Like we said in our Urban Justice review they need to do some very fancy camera work to make a 285 pound senior appear to be moving quickly.

So, Sid's final thoughts: this is a movie that makes no sense whatsoever. But, if you're looking for a movie to pop in and get some unintentional comedy laughs at, look no further than Mercenary for Justice; starring Steven Segal, his huge pot belly, and his Michael Myers wig.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: 1.0 out of 5 stars

It's too bad they didn't go with the original idea: Tom Hanks in Conan- Sleepless in Mongolia, December 10, 2007

Well, let's just say that we, Sid the Elf, were not impressed by Conan the Barbarian. This movie was a chick flick in a thin disguise. There was even the cheesiest death scene in movie history when Arnold's butter-face got iced. We gathered from reading some of the reviews by the Dungeons and Dragons losers that loved this movie that Conan was a book once upon a time. It could have only been one of those cheap novels they have at the checkout lines in supermarkets because this crap was a bad romance novel. In fact, the only people Sid can imagine liking this movie are girls. Or, maybe men seeking men in your beloved chat rooms. Dorks.

Arnold is in the middle of his three injections a day and dips on props in between takes stage of his career, and he runs around all movie without a shirt. Perfect for sweetie pies. There was a complete lack of anything cool in this movie with the exception of a few beheadings, and the fact that the dude from Spinal Tap made a cameo. This was certainly not the Arnold we've come to know and love. Another reason these nerds loved this movie so much is because it reminded them of Star Wars because Darth Vader played the villain again. Oh boy! So, if you're an Arnold fan and want to see how he started his career, just be glad it got off the ground to give you Predator, Total Recall, and Comando and ask no further questions. We are just glad we didn't start off our Arnold viewings with this one or we would have never been lucky enough to decide on his classics. Stay far away! And if you do rent this one, when you return it to your local video store, scream "He's gone! The evil's gone from here!"

JACK FROST: 2.0 out of 5 stars

Jack Frost Starring Shannon Elizabeth. Who knew this would be the high point of her career?, December 9, 2007

We, Sid the Elf, have been very excited about kicking off the Christmas B season and decided to open up with Jack Frost. Many years ago Sid saw Jack Frost when it was a new release at his local video store and really enjoyed it's straight to VHS goodness. Unfortunately it did not stand the test of time like we expected. I'm not sure exactly what went wrong? Horror B used to be the tops. Now it is hard to even sit through a full viewing. I guess Sid has just matured and really needs some sweet explosions and neck snappings to get his bull running. After viewing timeless works of art like "Total Recall", "Predator," and "Out For Justice" Jack Frost just seems obsolete.

As much as we would like to, we just can't recommend Jack Frost. It seems as if this one started the trend of horror movies that know they are so bad they have to try to make them funny, which has single handedly ruined the genre.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/JACK_FROST/trailer/P00247479.htm

DOUBLE DOWN: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Sid loves the triumphant return of Brandon Walsh, December 9, 2007

When we last saw Brandon Walsh he was leaving Southern California to pursue a writing career with the Boston Globe. Obviously the Globe doesn't know talent when it sees it because now the cameras are following around Brandon and his buddies on their adventures. The crew from West Beverly is no longer around. We will miss you Steve, Dylan, and Mr. Walsh. But, now Brandon is actually cool. He is a gambling, heavy-drinking ladies man instead of the goody-two-shoes fruit he was in his younger years. He and his buddies are a versatile group. You have Brandon, his buddy Mike, a degenerate gambler who never won, Cory the Jersey Jinx, and Dangalo, the sissy of the group who falls for a trannie and tells him/her he loves it on the first date.

So, the guys are looking for some direction in life. They decide to put all their energy into getting money together to open a sports bar. This way, they can continue their drinking/gambling/womanizing but profit from it. See, they're geniuses. Sid won't spoil the ending or too much of the plot because it is highly recommended. So, take it from Sid, see Double Down. It's an Elf classic.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/DOUBLE_DOWN/trailer/P00414196.htm

URBAN JUSTICE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

The Segal you remember from the 90's is back only this time he's brought his Michael Myers hair and 75 extra pounds!, December 6, 2007

Steven Segal is back with Urban Justice. You've never heard of it? How could that be? The premier was a hit. It was held at Segal's apartment and had many special guests: Papa John, Burger King, Mr. Goodbar, and of course as much alcohol needed to drown the sorrows of a 285 pound former star whose latest film was a straight-to-DVD release. But don't let Segal's fall from stardom and rise in the world of competitive eating fool you, Urban Justice was a winner.

It also featured comedy legend Eddie Griffin in his funniest role yet. Only he didn't know that. Sid loves the direction in which this dynamic duo is moving. They seem to be irrevocably linked. Sid can picture it: a few weeks from now he'll have lunch at his local Popye's. Only the food will be a little undercooked. So, he strolls up to the counter to complain. He'll say, "Oh, hi Eddie Griffin. I loved you in Urban Justice, but my chicken was subpar." Eddie, of course wanting to do well at his new career, replies, "I'm sorry to hear that, Sid. Let me ask my cook, Steven Segal what went wrong." Let's just put it this way: this is the kind of scenario you will come up with while pondering the careers of the stars of this flick during your viewing. That's the kind of movie we're dealing with. Sid wouldn't have it any other way.

Segal goes to "da hood" in LA to find his son's killer. He talks like a grizzled street vet from day one, dropping words from his sentences at an alarming rate. We couldn't figure out if he was trying to fit into the hood or if he forgot lines due the oh-so-distracting McDonalds they filmed near. But, as usual, he was snatching guns and snapping necks left and right, only the film quality was a little different that we're used to. Low budget? Well, yes, but that's not what it was. You ask a 285 pound senior citizen to move as fast as he can and see what happens. It's like waiting for Arnold to finish a sentence. You know it will happen, it just might take a while.

These are just a few of the wonderful things that make Urban Justice a great Unintentional Comedy. It's a must-see. That's straight from us, Sid the Elf, everyone. You will freaking love it. Oh yeah oh yeah oh oh oh oh yeah oh yeah. Laugh Out Loud.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/URBAN_JUSTICE/trailer/P00727882.htm

TERMINATOR 2- JUDGEMENT DAY: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Sid The Elf's thoughts on giving T2 5 stars: No Problemo., November 27, 2007

As some of our more avid fans have noticed, Sid the Elf is branching his reviews out to reach a more diverse sampling of film, including Sci-fi. When you think Sci-fi, one of the films that pops to mind is T2. In the 90's it was the big budget action movie, starring The Immortal Arnold Schwarzenegger and written by James Cameron. Yeah, the same dude who did Titanic. If you could get inside info on things like "Did Arnold threaten Cameron's life on-set, or did he just call him an emasculating name?" wouldn't that make a better feature on the DVD than "Oh, so that's how they made that dude appear right out of the floor? That's pretty cool." Oh, boy!

But, this movie was totally awesome. You had many soundboard lines to laugh at just because of The Arnold Voice. You had tons of cool explosions. You had a lot of sweet guns and explosives. You got to make fun of Sarah Connor because she was absolutely nuts. Pretty much everything you would want in a great guy movie, except for hot chicks. Oh well, you can't have everything. The concept was sweet. You had Arnold who was a now obsolete Terminator, if there even is such a thing, assigned to protect John Connor. However, John and his mother, Sarah Connor, are being hunted by another, updated Terminator. Now, Arnold was made out of metal, so he could be crushed or something. But, this other dude was made out of liquid or something. So if you shot him, this giant hole would open up then start to close immediately. Awesome! How is Arnold going to take this thing on?

Because he's Arnold. That's why. If you learn anything reading Sid's reviews, learn this: Arnold is the man. He is undefeatable and undeniable. We wish he could be president. So, on Sid the Elf's recommendation, watch Terminator 2. You will absolutely love it.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/TERMINATOR_2:_JUDGMENT_DAY/trailer/P00001254.htm

ROBOCOP: 2.0 out of 5 stars

The harvest is in, bless the bean and fig. Robocop is a big fat... suckling pig, November 19, 2007

The only reasons we, Sid the Elf, gave this non-B stinkfest 2 stars was due to some cool explosions. Sid intended to do two things tonight, laugh and watch a great unintentional comedy. Well, Sid always has a good time, but there was not a passable unintentional comedy in sight.

Robocop is based on an effeminate Chris Hansen looking cop, who gets blasted, then transformed into a cyborg cop. So, eventually, he goes after the guys who killed him and turned into a metal man. In the business they call that a revenge story. Well, here's the revenge Robocop exacted until the last 15 minutes of the movie: he arrested the bad men. Wow, enthralling! Really, Sid was riveted. Then, they had to make this movie even girlier by making Robocop fall in love with his butch partner, who looked like Sid's sophomore year biology teacher. For those of you who did not graduate from North Pole High, that's not good.

So, if your woman is looking for a chick flick with a little action, rent Robocop and put it on in one room. Then pop in your copy of Predator or Total Recall for yourself in another.

RAMBO II: 5.0 out of 5 stars

What you call hell he calls home, November 15, 2007

It's getting a little chilly here in the North Pole so, Sid recently took a trip to Vietnam with his old pal John Rambo. He managed to avoid all the gunfire and explosions to make it home and write this world-class review. In Rambo II, Sly Stallone is assigned a mission to free American POWs 11 years after the war ended. Thanks for the effort guys! Anyway, this was Sly at his Cold War propaganda peak. He put out Rambo II and Rock IV in the same year. I'm not sure what happened to Sly. Was he picked on by a Russian bully when he was a kid? Because he takes shots at the Russians in this one too.

There are a number of notable actors in this flick. You have the bad guy from Beverly Hills Cop, who's possibly a little sweet in that one. We thought we had a Mr. Braden from Lockup sighting in the beginning, but that could not be confirmed. There was the evil sensei from Karate Kid, who disappointed us by not giving Rambo a "Mercy is for the weak..." speech. And you had...Mr. Chan from you know where it's going Death Ring. Oh, and the closing credits song was done by none other than the immortal Frank Stallone.

Obviously, Rambo is the man. He was sensitive. He fell in love with the Vietmineese chick in about 2 seconds, leading to the most shocking/uncomfortable/horribly acted sequense of the film. It was a great 30 second swing. He was the inspiration for the guy you always were in one player Contra, and has an endless supply of ammo. I mean, the guy used a bow with exploding tip arrows. You can't put a price on that kind of B. For us, the highlight of the flick was when Rambo meets Mr. Chan. Chan must shoot at Rambo 50 times, and Rambo is as calm as can be, taking his time to set up the perfect shot, and...he shoots Mr. Chan with an exploding tip arrow and Mr. Chan actually blows up! Words cannot do this justice. See the movie. We're imploring you!

Sid's two halves could not decide if Rambo II or Red Line was the movie that made the least sense of all-time. We should have just said that to make you see this classic because that's what Rambo II is. We swear, you will freaking love it.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/RAMBO:_FIRST_BLOOD_PART_2/trailer/P00765742.htm

SURVIVING THE GAME: 3.0 out of 5 stars

Surviving the Game is the homeless man's Death Ring,
November 12, 2007

The latest installment in Sid the Elf's review file is Surviving the Game starring the impressive Ice-T(the fourth best acting rapper ever!), Gary Busey(YES!), and Charles S. Dutton who had such illustrious roles as TV's Roc and that weird groundskeeper from Rudy who let that little leprechaun live in his office. Sid has to have a little soft spot for this one because it's as if someone saw the legendary Death Ring and said "You know what? This movie could be good if we put some money into it and got some D-list actors, instead of brothers and sons of D-list actors!"

However, we must say, Surviving the Game fell short. And how could it not? How dare it try to be like Death Ring? The first thing that was wrong was they killed off Busey in the first 20 minutes. This one would have jumped up to 5 stars if we could have seen a totally insane Busey running around after Ice-T for an hour. It did have some gems though like Ice-T telling the guy who recruited him for "the game" that he would run to Alaska for $20. Awesome! But instead the guy has Homeless Ice run on a treadmill for like 5 minutes then gives him the cash. And since he was homeless, with his $20 Ice rented a fleabag motel room and bought a bottle of $3 wine and got messed up in the bathtub. He was probably trying to put himself out of misery by catching Hepatitis in that bathtub, but no such luck. Instead, he was hunted by Roc, Busey and the gang.

He did, however manage to elude that crew for a while. Although, some of his maneuvers were totally unrealistic. When you catch this one, notice how the leader of the pack is chasing T up the hill he could have shot him like 30 times, but decides not to. Remember, this is a good thing. And he throws rocks at this sissy and makes him fall to his death. That was cool.

So, while Surviving the Game did not live up to the daddy of movies, Death Ring. It was still enjoyable. Sid would say take a look at it if you've worn out your Death Ring VHS and are in the mood for a little human safari.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/SURVIVING_THE_GAME/trailer/P00005067.htm