Thursday, May 8, 2008

MISSING IN ACTION: 5.0 out of 5 stars

After Hurricane Chuck ravaged Southeast Asia not even a single lizard will survive in their jungle for the next thousand years., January 7, 2008

The reason for crisis in Southeast Asia was not due to economic, social, or political issues. It was not due to war or famine. It also did not start in the 60's as historians have stated. It started in 1984 when a massive natural disaster descended upon the region and movie theaters around the world. That disaster's name: John Braddock, played by the only one man force of nature: Chuck Norris. We, Sid the Elf, have said it before and we will say it again, Chuck Norris is a wrecking machine. The one theme in Missing in Action, as always, is don't (expletive deleted) with Chuck!

Missing in Action was Norris's signature film, and rightfully so. This film did not let up for one second, and Chuck the Tornado destroyed everything in its path for a solid 100 minutes. The opening credits rolled, and the explosions ensued endlessly. They even gave us the obligatory 'nam flashback to show you that Chuck was a little mental and he would probably be doling out the revenge on the Vietmineese for the duration. And since it's Chuck and all, he didn't disappoint. By Sid's count, he put down over 100 enemies. The first notch on Norris's bullet belt was not the one, the only Mr. Chan, the relentless manhunter from the ultimate classic Death Ring. It was in fact, none other than the immortal Jeff Wong, Casandra's dad from Wayne's World 2. Unfortunately, however, Chuck did not take him down in the same manner Wayne Campbell did. Instead Chuck showed his first flash of athletic greatness, flinging a knife 10 yards across the room right into Jeff's chest for his first completion of the day. Norris would be 3 for 3 for the film, with a perfect 100% kill rate. Proving that he can do anything, including becoming an NFL quarterback if his legendary film career sputtered.

In a slight breach of B etiquette, Chuck faced off against the main villian in the middle of the film. But the showdown didn't disappoint. Chuck made film history by shoving an ax head into the chest of his nemesis after Norris chopped the handle clear off. And you wonder why this guy has never met a butt he couldn't kick? But, don't let that suggest that it was not the typical action unintentional comedy. There were enough explosions to keep Sid entertained which is no small feat, plenty of sweet weapons, a funny token fat guy(the awesome diving coach from Back To School (Extra-Curricular Edition)), and a ton of Chuck's signature tough lines. In fact, to prove to you that this one was definitely a regular Sid pick, and totally worth seeing, we're bringing back an old favorite: Joe Bob's drive-in totals. Here they are:

2 stranglings

2 fatal knife throws to the chest

5 kicks/punches that seemed to kill guys

157 corpses

3 breasts

1 artillery raft

4 hateful Asian guys you just knew Chuck was icing and couldn't wait for it.

31 rocket launchings

279 grenade explosions

578941277552 rounds fired... and

one dead Jeff Wong(1927-1984). R.I.P.
Click here for movie trailer:

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