Sunday, May 18, 2008

HELLBOUND: 5.0 out of 5 stars

How can evil be defeated? Simple, put it in a room with Chuck Norris. , March 26, 2008

Hellbound: Seriously, was this a 95 minute hallucination or one of the greatest B horror movies ever? Sid could go on forever about all the things that made this movie perfect in every way, but we will try to keep it reasonable. We decided on this one after watching what Chuck could do to a foe in a horror movie in the classic Silent Rage. In our review of that one, we begged Chuck to do a sequel. Little did we know that we didn't need one, as Hellbound more than made up for the absence of Silent Rage 2: Ramon's Revenge.

The film starts in the Middle Ages with some Crusaders burying the demon in a stone casket and locking it with daggers. The demon is played by the same actor as the bad guy in "The Final Sacrifice," or "Rowsdower!" as it was titled in its North Pole release. Anyway, flash forward to 1951 and two homeless men somehow find the tomb. Instead of leaving it alone, they pull the daggers out so they can sell the stones on the handles. Even as it was happening, you knew it was a bad move. Of course, the demon pops out of the tomb like he was Sid jumping out of a stocking and goes nuts. Flash forward again to "Chicago Present Day" where Chuck is a hardass cop. This is especially illustrated when a street tough mouths off to Chuck and Norris naturally punches the guy 10 feet into the air onto a parked car. O yeah, the street tough was the one, the only Iceman! That's right, THE Iceman. As in "The Iceman has melted. Two more and I'm coming for you, Vachs." From Death Ring. The reaction by Sid was one of hillarity, excitment and sheer amazement all rolled into one.

Now, this movie was released in 1993. For two reasons Sid really hopes it was shot shortly before its release and not shelved for a few years first. Number one, there's a good chance that Norris shot this classic on hiatus from Walker Texas Ranger. Also, if it was shot in that 1992-93 period Chuck and Billy Ray Cyrus were the only people not living in a trailer park with mullets like that. Maybe Chuck tapped into his inner Segal and grew the back out for strength. Who knows? Now the demon is killing holy men in Isreal. So, of course they send Chuck and his partner Vanilli. I know you're asking yourself "Why would they send a Chicago cop to Isreal to investigate a killer?" The answer is that the power of Chuck in a Sonny Crockett costume and with the mullet flowing can beat anyone or anything as we would soon find out.

At the end of the flick, Chuck is trying to rescue his love interest, played by Arnold's love interest in Kindergarten Cop, from the demon. So, it's Chuck Norris vs. a roomful of demons. No contest, Chuck wins. He always wins. We've now seen him take down terrorists, several Vietnimeese POW camps, and pure unadulterated evil. This man is totally insane. When Chuck is taking on the boss demon, he unleashed quite possibly the most killer move in film history. That's right, the slow-motion, double right legged kick. Words cannot do it justice. It was breathtaking. Another aspect of this movie that brought it into the pantheon of B was that it shattered two previously long standing records. One for times Sid asked "What the hell is going on here?" and one for times Sid asked "What is this, are they serious?" Two absolute must questions for a classic B to evoke from its viewers, as you already know.

Now, Sid always goes the extra mile for his loyal fans, so we did some research and found out that Hellbound was once upon a time shown on Joe Bob's Drive-In theater. It was even nominated for a Hubbie. Sounds strangely similar to a Sid the Elf Woody award. Hmmm. In honor of that, here are Sid the Elf's drive-in totals:

1 heart being ripped out

1 impaling

1 hooker being thrown from a window onto a cop car

2 breasts

1 attempted baby sacrifice

1 30 minute stretch of film that nobody understood...

and 5682 punches/kicks landed by Mighty U.S. Warlord Premier Norris
Click here for movie trailer:

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