Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wanna see Liz Taylor howl like a wolf? Of course you do

This is one of my favorite clips from the show Talk Soup found on the E channel. Here is a unforgettable clip featuring the now totally insane Liz Taylor. This is the result of washing down a pocket full of vikatans with a box of wine.

BLOODSPORT: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Does It Hurt Van Damme?, September 5, 2007

Hello B fans, Sid the Elf is back to review Bloodsport. We mean this in the straightest way possible when we say that the most impressive thing in the movie was when Van Damme does the splits. No, actually, this film was wonderful. We picked it on the spur of the moment and it didn't disappoint. It had everything we could ask for. There was horrific acting from everybody involved. This even includes Forrest Whittiker from 35,622 buckets of fried chicken ago. You have Jean-Claude Van Damme in his first starring role and he hit this one out of the park on the first try. Although we're not quite sure why they chose a local special needs fry chef to play the young Frank Dux, but it was more than made up for when we heard the kid talk and saw him get kicked in the chest by the little Chineese kid. Then you had Ray Jackson, the big cross-eyed guy, who was nothing short of hillarious. Finally, there was the one, the only Chong-Li. Here you had a jacked, utterly insane Korean who instead of pounding hot dogs like Kobyashi, ate 34 egg white omelettes in 8 minutes while training for the Kumate. He just has a presence. When the screen showed his name opposite Ray Jackson's Sid the Elf froze. It was momentous.

Bloodsport is actually a true story. Seriously. It is about Frank Dux, the only American to ever win the Kumate. When he was a kid, Dux was taken in and trained by his Asian master. In a hilarious sequence, we see Young Dux(sounds like a rapper doesn't it?)learning all the awesome tricks he would later unleash in competition. When his master is on his death bed, Dux goes AWOL from the military to see him. After his death, Dux decides to honor his master by entering the Kumate. So, he not only has to fight insane opponents, like the completely frightening Chon Li, in the Kumate, he also has to elude Military Police who know he's at the Kumate and want to bring him back home. What makes Bloodsport such an awesome guy's movie is that the majority of the movie revolves around either karate fighting or training to karate fight. There are just too many cool or funny happenings in the movie to recount them all. As we, Sid the Elf, like to do when there's just too much to go over, we'll break this one down Joe Bob style and let you use it as a guide when you watch Bloodsport. Here are the Drive-In totals:

3 bricks broken, 1 with a head-butt

1 compound leg fracture

2 tazerings

1 skinny Forrest Whitiker falling off a boat

1 partially nude Van Damme

1 pair of red bikini briefs worn by the Muscles from Brussels

1 Mr. Fuji style eye salting

56 hilarious facial expressions

1 ref beating courtesy of Chong-Li

1 homicide in the ring

32 crushed beer cans by Ray "ABC 123" Jackson

1 Van Damme Flock of Seagulls hair do

4 inappropriately placed romantic songs from the soundtrack...


Definitely 5 stars. Partially for the terribly done fighting scenes. I mean, most of those blows could be stopped by Cecila Dux, Frank's grandmother. Easy recipient of the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval. I have put all my knowledge into you. Watch Bloodsport!

Click here for movie trailer:

THEY LIVE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

"Rowdy" Roddy Piper put down the bagpipes and should have picked up an Oscar, August 9, 2007

When the star of the show is Hot Rod, you pretty much know where its going. Yeah, straight to VHS. But that's exactly how we, Sid the Elf, like it baby. We have to give it to Piper on this one, he totally fulfilled all expectations. His acting was so pitiful, spouting tough quotes like, "I came here to chew bubble gum and kick [butt]." He went on and on with these gems for the first half of this one. He found his magical ray-bans and went to work taking out every alien in sight. Just like in his old ring days, he was an absolute one man wrecking crew. Only instead of being in the Scottish kilt wearing form we were used to, he portrays a flannel wearing, mullet sporting drifter. Which actually fit him quite nicely.

So, the basic plot was that Piper stumbled upon these shades. And when he put them on, he could tell who were normal people, and who were the brainwashing aliens. Piper and George 'Buck' Flower, a charter member of the all-time "That Guy" team, let the real people live and figure four leg locked the aliens into submission. The goofy factor jumped at least 5 spots because the loser who wrote it was trying to get across his tortured view of our twisted society. And if you're trying to do that, who's your vehicle baby?....You got it, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. I think he even had a Piper's Pit about the very same topic once. Anyway, one hilarious thing about this one was Piper getting smashed over the head with a beer bottle, getting pushed out a window, rolling down a hill, then getting up like he tripped over an untied shoelace. And another was a totally unnecessary 20 minute awful fight scene in the middle. Both were prime examples of the B powerhouse that this film was.

To sum it all up, They Live was high caliber B. It absolutely gets the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval, and is essential to your summer B lineup. It wins the World Heavyweight Championship of B Sci-Fi.

Click here for movie trailer:

Friday the 13th, part 3: 2.0 out of 5 stars

Check In the Barn for a fat killer with a limp,
August 4, 2007

Ok, we, Sid the Elf, know that Jason is a popular figure in the horror genre. And we do love the horror genre. However, Jason really is quite dumb when you look at these movies objectively. This crap can't decide if its B or not. That should never be a question. If its us, we're going B all the way. Instead of giving Jason that dumb limp, why not have him hop merrily from one foot to the other while chasing down his victims? The thing that made this one ridiculous was that the plot was predictable and there weren't any of those "how did they get to this point?" moments. A distinctly non-B characteristic! Anyway, the only reason we decided on this one was because we remembered watching it years ago and marveling at the fact that these idiots kept going into the barn to get killed. They all looked like cows being led to slaughter. It would have been a 5-star effort if Jason was waiting in the barn, jumped out of a giant stocking, then killed. But, he didn't. That's why all these nerds loved it. The only saving grace was the fat kid. We couldn't wait for him to get offed, only they should have had the guy who looked like DMX do it with his giant chain. So, don't listen to the dorks that say this movie is good. Sid the Elf has never steered you wrong before, so stay away unless you want to turn into one of these people who watched this one in their mother's basement eating a whole bag of cookies and loved this movie.

Click here for movie trailer:

DELTA FORCE 3: 1.0 out of 5 stars

Sid the Elf is renaming this one "Delta Force 3: The Attack of the Pink Turkey Baster.", July 23, 2007

Delta Force 3. What a disappointment. Following up the transcendent Delta Force 2, this crapfest was like going out with Eva Longoria Friday night, and Rosie O'Donnell on Saturday. I have no problem with overweight people, but Rosie is just hard to look at. I think I heard that somewhere before. Anyway, Mike Norris as we all know gave us a star effort in the classic Death Ring, but in this one, he was not the same man. In Delta Force 3, he was the biggest lamest, wimpiest geek! We, Sid the Elf, are starting to think that his integral part in Death Ring was due more to the superior writing than Mike Norris's performance.

Also, there were these Arabs who were facilitating between their Middle eastern accents and no accent at all. Usually, this is a very good thing, but in this one it just kind of annoyed us. So, we say stay far away from this one. There was a serious lack of explosions, almost none of the goofy karate fighting we've all come to know and love in a good b, and there was even fewer tough guy lines! That doesn't sound like a good solid old-fashioned American B movie to me. End of story.

Click here for movie trailer:

DELTA FORCE 2, Operation Stranglehold: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Simply Put Chuck Norris is a deadly force of nature., July 16, 2007

The title of this movie should have been changed post-production, after seeing the absolute tour-de-force performance of one of the world's most accomplished B actors, Chuck Norris. If it's us, we're calling this one "Delta Force 2: Don't (expletive deleted) with Chuck!" Norris plays a man possessed and bloodthirsty, taking out every drug poisoner in sight. His nemesis: the one, the only Billy Drago who as we all know was only three short years away from his breakthrough performance as Denton Vachs in the B zenith "Death Ring." Drago was great in this one too. He doesn't try to do too much with the role and stays pretty much the same in Death Ring. It's not bad acting, he just knows what to do to put meat in the seats.

Meanwhile, lets get into what makes this movie worthy of a go from Sid The Elf. It is extreme B! There is limited dialog (most of the movie is fight and training scenes which are wonderful, and the most explosions we've ever seen in a B action, which is what gave it the nod for 5 stars). I mean, there is roughly a 20 minute sequence with nothing but a helicopter shooting missiles at a village. Beautiful! And when Norris does deliver lines, they're pure gold. Who can forget the famous "lessons" sequence with the Spanish Gallagher? Another B hallmark was the fact that we counted the same Mexican warrior was killed off 5 separate times, count them 5!

We would like to announce this is Chucks first movie in our list of reviews due to his sons captivating role in our critically acclaimed "Death Ring." Does it get the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval? You bet your sweet a-- it does, Seal of Approval- Did her. If you do yourself one favor this year, prove that Christmas doesn't only come once a year and check out Delta Force 2 and Death Ring.

Click here for movie trailer:

OVER THE TOP: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Does it really get more B than a movie about an arm-wrestling truck driver? I didn't think so., July 9, 2007

Wow! I mean, where to begin? Ok, first good old Sly Stallone is the star of the show, as well as co-writer of the screenplay. If that doesn't scream B to you then you're just not listening. There are just so many elements of B in this one. Namely the fact that they can't even decide if Sly's character's name is Lincoln Hawk or Lincoln Hawks. Then there's the great parenting skills displayed by Sly. The first time he sees his son in 10 years, he takes him to his big rig and tries to arm-wrestle him. The aforementioned big rig is equipped with a Lincoln original forearm press machine so he can hone his arm-wrestling skills while driving. Pure genius!

Hawk is going to need the practice to face...Bull Hurley! This imposing 5 time world arm-wrestling champ's mantra is "I drive truck, break arms, and arm-wrestle." How you can take that in and not be riveted, I'll never know. Sid the Elf noticed something watching Over the Top. Most of Sly's movies are pretty much the same premise with interchangeable plots and characters. To the B novice, Sly isn't the first name that comes to mind, but think again. Sly is that rare person who has a big name, but is really B with very few people making the observation. But thats what we, Sid the Elf are here for.

This classic B flick easily receives the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval. Do yourself a favor and buy this one for years of priceless entertainment. This movie is a great choice for the novice B viewer due to it's sheer ridiculous content. What other film can you find a competitor whose pre game meal is a cigar and a jug a valvoline motor oil? We could go on until next weeks B review, but we'll end here. Again if you are up for a good old fashioned B evening, pick up this work of art. Just a heads up, be on the look out for a packed month of Sly reviews most likely starting in August.

Click here for movie trailer:

MONEY TO BURN: 5.0 out of 5 stars

McQueen and Swayze deliver again proving that Christmas doesn't only come once a year!, July 2, 2007

We, Sid the Elf, appologize if that title misled you. But, then again you should know that we were talking about CHAD Mcqueen and DON Swayze rather than their "legitimate actor" family members. The on-screen duo who have been so often acclaimed in this space deliver the goods once again in this dark horse classic. They play two buddies who basically stumble into millions and act like complete idiots. We suspect much of the script was ad-libbed. Well, except in the film Chad and Don have money.

You won't be disappointed by Money to Burn. It has all the halmarks of what you've come to expect from Chad and Don. There isn't a sleeve in sight, Chad's dialouge is ultra-tough, and Don's facial tick hasn't been cured yet. Thankfully! This film, also known as Squanderers, Gets the full backing of Sid the Elf. It more than earns The Official Sid The Elf Seal of Approval. We couldn't recall laughing this much during a movie since the one the only Death Ring. Also starring Chad McQueen and Don Swayze. Are you starting to see a pattern here? I thought so. Trust us. We were right about Death Ring, we're right about this one.

Please pay special attention to the very very homo erotic scenes where Chad and Don play like 12 year old school boys on a mountain bike and roller blades. Hillarious! We also must give an honorable mention to a captivating performance by a very well know actor of the B arts, Mr. Joe Estevez. He has what appears to B a dynatite sound. We have grown very fond of Joe due to the fact that he appears in 75%of all B movies made. Straight from Sid the Elf, go check out Money To Burn, and by the end of the week you'll be wearing gold plated diapers.

Click here to see movie trailer, an absolute must-see! (So hilarious):

HOBGOBLINS: 3.0 out of 5 stars

Killer hand-puppets? Smells like delicious B to us!, June 25, 2007

Where to begin? Hobgoblins is the prototypical B movie. The killers were litteraly hand puppets who growled and apparently bit people but who's mouths never moved. Beautiful! And it was an 80's B, so the characters were so nerdy and annoying, we were rooting for them to fall victim to the terrifying hand puppets. Awful acting doesn't scratch the surface for these losers. But it takes special people to enjoy this kind of humor. And Sid the Elf and all our fans are those kind of people. Granted trying to follow the plot for this one would be about as easy as finding the Bermuda Triangle, but thats what B is all about. If it makes sense then it makes it to the big screen, which we have no interest in. If you want to see a real movie please don't go near this one! But if you are a real man then pick this one up and subject yourself to 88 minutes of hand puppets doing nothing more then violent shaking. This one gets a true recommendation from Sid himself. Please don't pay too much attention to the negative reviews for this one. Obviously B is way over their head. However, some people obviously understand because Hobgoblins was once upon a time on the watershed Mystery Science Theater 3000. The MST version is leaps and bounds better than the original. Look for a review of that version from Sid eventually.

Click here to view MSTK3 version:

DEATH RACE 2000: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Before he was Frank Leone, Lincoln Hawk, or John Rambo Sly was..."Machine Gun" Joe Viterbo!, June 25, 2007

Its funny to think that people in 1975 thought life in 2000 would be so B. Apparently in 1975, blood of the future is red paint. Mowing down infants is a desireable action, and the national sport of choice would be the Death Race. In this enthralling sport portrayed in a true B flick, crushing someone's head under the wheel of your mid 70's american muscle car that looks nothing like a futuristic automobile is pretty much the zenith. Oh wait, these are all just aspects of the awful special effects in Death Race. How could we not love this film? Apparently Stallone followed his adult film up with this beaut. And, he delivered the goods in both. He gave us a halmark for a Sid the Elf Classic: terrible dialouge. Our favorite line from the Italian Stallion was:"I got two words for that Bull and..." You know where its going.

If you couldn't tell from the previous paragraph, Death Race 2000 is a movie made in 1975, set in 2000 in a totalitarian state. The national pastime in the movie is not baseball, football, or basketball. They streched it even further than making it hockey. No, it is the Death Race, a cross-country car race in which contestants earn points for not only crossing the finish line first, but for running down people over the course of the race. Seriously, this is a pretty cool premise for a movie, eventhough this flick managed to come out extremely B. Supposedly, the budget for this film was listed at $300,000. Sid thinks they actually spent $300 on the film, and Sly and David Carradine spent the rest partying.

But the film is worth checking out, for sure. It has a ton of hillarious attempts at special effects that are worth it alone. So, if you can watch the movie without expecting a lot, you may very well enjoy it. And, be honest, anytime a movie features someone's head being run over isn't it worth rolling the dice and popping it in? Sid thought so.

Click here for movie trailer:

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

COMMANDO: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Commando, Staring THE Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't B right? WRONG., August 13, 2007

So you're reading this saying that Sid the Elf only reviews B, and Arnie is in Commando so it's not a good match. Well, you'd better get ready for the big surprise: the Governator is without a doubt as B as they come. Commando literally had us cracking up from the first minute when those killer garbagemen attacked. Then, we go right to Arnold doing his lumberjack routine showing off his muscles followed immediately by us getting a glimpse into the softer side of Arnold as he hand-fed a dear what could only have been presumed as protein powder. We were just getting warmed up when he uttered his first line and it hit us, "It is really really funny just to hear this guy talk." It made us realize that this movie, as well as all future Arnold ventures have limitless potential.

Arnold's hilariously bad acting which made the movie. But you had a good storyline too. Arnold plays a retired special-ops officer who obviously was a bad man. Arnold's daughter, played by Alysia Millano, gets kidnapped by some guys who won't give her back until Arnold assassinates someone for them. Of course, Arnold says "You are mine now! You belong to me!" A more B storyline Sid could not imagine. Why couldn't the kidnappers(there were like 10 of them) do the assassination themselves? Well, because then we wouldn't have a great B to watch. Now, Millano is like 8 in this movie, so if you're thinking whether or not it's wrong to think of how hot she would later become while watching this film, Sid the Elf has a ruling for you: NO DEAL. She's 8 here!

Anyway, Commando rocked so hard we can honestly only break it down old-school Joe Bob style. In Comando there was:

1 seat being ripped from a car

1 airplane neck-snapping

1 occupied phone booth thrown 20 feet

2 impalings, 1 with a pitchfork

1 man being thrown off a cliff

1 scalping

4 rockets launched

17 grenade explosions

1 future smoking hot chick

1 French door execution at the hands of Conan the Barbarian

1 steaming pipe thrown through a chest

1 13 minute knife-fight

23 Rambo rip-offs...

...and 827 dead bodies at the hands of John Matrix.

Commando was really really B. The surprise hit of the Summer. Non-stop laughs. Recipient of the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval, and rare 5-star movie.

Click here for movie trailer:

LOCKUP: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Sid the Elf says Lockup is Sly's lost classic, August 6, 2007

In Lockup, the old boy Sly Stallone, plays a prisoner named Frank Leone. Leone is without question the most beloved tragic figure in modern American cinema. He is a rough and tumble yet lovable parpadelle and broccoli eating mechanic who remarks on a nice kiss from his girlfriend by simply saying "that's Italian." It doesn't really make any sense to us, either. But it makes sense to Leone, and that's just going to have to be good enough.

Anyway, Leone was originally arrested for beating up some punks who are terrorizing his mechanic mentor for whom he cares deeply. He is sent to Treadmore, a prison run by the evil Warden Drumgoole. For some reason Drumgoole has it out for Frank, so he won't let Leone have a weekend furlough to see his mentor who is close to dying. Leone escapes, humiliating and enraging Drumgoole. When Frank turns himself back in, he is sent to a decent minimum security prison where he is let out on weekends and the guards talk football and cars with him. And he's only got a couple more months left on his sentence. Suddenly, as revenge, Drumgoole gets Leone transfered to his new prison, Gateway. This place is no joke; definitely maximum security, with a twist. To help exact his revenge, Drumgoole employs the thuggish tactics of Sid's all-time favorite hooligan, prisoner Chink Webber. This guy haunts Leone throughout the whole movie,trying to antagonize Leone into fighting and getting more time tacked onto his sentence. He does everything short of forcing Leone to eat corned beef and cabbage. He even rips off Frank's chain with the mallichio horn on it. And who can forget the famous football scene?

As you can tell, this is one of Sid's all-time favorite movies. However, this film did NOT receive its due amount of critical acclaim or box-office success. We, Sid the Elf, have just one question: why? Lockup has everything you can ask for in a movie. Sid just can't get enough of the legendary Chink Webber, who gives us so many great lines. For example "Move it Ace, that's my spot," and "When are you going to paint your nails and start answering to the name (expletive deleted)?" You have First Base, who contributes a heaping helping of comedy just by speaking. There's the immortal Eclipse, who touches the heart when the solitary tear rolls down his face at witnessing the destruction of his baby, Maybeline(a car by the way). And, if the room doesn't get officially dusty when Leone is seemingly caught trying to escape because his close friend, Deep-fried Dallas rats him out then you have no soul.

We could go on for pages and pages on Lockup because it is one of Sid the Elf's favorite movies. We were discussing this during our current screening, which kicked off our Stallone season, and we are putting it behind only the zenith of B Death Ring. So, naturally, Lockup gets the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval. See this movie! You'll thank us, yet again. That means everything's ok.

Click here for movie trailer:

MARKED FOR DEATH: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Only a white greasy pony-tailed ninja warrior can take down a Jamaican drug ring, July 30, 2007

Well everybody, we, Sid The Elf, have finally decided to get into the Segal business. And let us tell you, it's a winner. The action has never been better than when the ponytail is whipping in the wind. In this film, Segal decides to mix it up with some pretty poorly portrayed Jamaicans. They are the neighborhood druglords in Segal's town. But, really, these guys are great. They drop their accents when they feel like it, and they worship a demi-god set of twin brother darkness named Screwface. As for Segal, he really impressed us. He plays the hardass cop who takes it upon himself to bring down the drug ring. His one-liners were top-notch. (e.g."This is my silent partner. A whisper in the ear from this girl goes a long way." This line was about his favorite gun. We rest our case.) And he was kicking in faces like he would later in his illustrious career polish off slices of pizza. We were actually shocked that he looked kind of fit in the movie. He even went jogging with his old war buddy for a half a block.

Now, Marked For Death is an extremely solid B film. It possesses all the qualities you can ask for in B. It absolutely gets the official Sid The Elf Seal of Approval. But, to give you the true essence of this one, we're going to break it down old-school Joe Bob Briggs style:

1 Segal getting hit by car (gets the viewer interested and amused right off the bat)

3 arm-snappings

1 leg-snapping

1 decapitation

4 counts of hilariously fake voodoo

2 people falling from windows

1 back-breaker WWF style!

1 neck snapping

1 sidewalk car chase

8 clotheslines

42 kicks to the face

17 breasts...
and 1 terrific B!

Click here for movie trailer:

Sid the Elf's Pic of the Week

From here on, Sid will be providing a pic of the week every week. Sometimes it may be more than one a week, but never less. Here is this week's pic. If you don't know this is Bubb Rubb, Sid implores you to please click on the link to watch. And, as we're sure most of you do know, check it out again. It doesn't get much better.

Food for thought: Is Flavor Flav the Cryptkeeper?

After viewing the Canadian masterpiece "The Final Sacrifice" early last evening we decided to flip through the channels in search of some other fine b. In our search we stumbled across Flavor of Love 3. Yeah there has actually been 3 seasons, we don't know how either. Anyway, as we uncomfortably watched an extra oily shirtless flav sit with his many camera hungry groupies we noticed something quite groundbreaking. It appered that Flavor Flav used to be the Cryptkeeper on the HBO tv series Tales From the Crypt. Now this is not an absolute fact but under many hours of close scrutiny Sid has come to the conclusion that it must be true. You be the judge.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Sid's clip of the week

We, Sid the Elf, have decided to bless the world with more then just movie reviews. We will now have a clip of the week hand picked from deep inside the stocking. This week is a rare clip from the straight to video release of another Chad Mcqueen disaster called "firepower." It appears to be a mix between Robocop, Bloodsport, Mad max, and possibly a little Running Man. Set in 2006 it is probably as far off as Death Race 2000's perception of the future. Please sit back and enjoy.

WICKED GAMES: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Sid's first impression of Wicked Games was the video store guy saying "Um, I'm not even sure I can rent this out."

About 12 years ago we stumbled upon a classic which were we sure no one else on earth had seen except for the poor s.o.b that came up with the $500 to make it. We are 100% convinced that this mess was filmed in one day with a home video camera, and a very cheap one at that. The main character brings the term mullet to new heights, and backs it up with some amazing acting.

This character's name is Gary, no last name given. Awesome. The plot of this masterpiece revolves around this typical early 90's redneck. When the movie was filmed in '93 or '94 he had been working on his mullet since roughly 1988 and now it was perfect. He also consistently wore sleeveless shirts even though he was fat and had no business not covering up every inch of skin possible. Anyway, Gary's wife cheats on him in the first 5 minutes of the film. And after the picture we've painted of this guy that shouldn't have come as a shock to you, the viewer, or Gary himself. So, the wife ends up getting killed by a mysterious man in a copper mask. Naturally, Gary reeks of motive, so the detective assumes he's the killer. Only there's a twist here: the detective, who is Gary's buddy is the killer. Oh, wait. The budget was so low that they used 2 actors to play multiple roles, including the detective/killer. This may be tough to spot by the untrained eye.

We actually havent checked out any other movies in this series. Mainly because we just figured that anyone involved with this film would have just gone back to their overnight shifts at their respective convenience stores instead of going on to make more movies. However, Wicked Games was loved by Sid the Elf. It Actually had a DMF of 2. This is only due to Gary being a dead ringer of The Hitman, only with goofy specs and an uber-mullet. This actually important because nobody before or since has earned a Don Mattingly Factor of more than 1 by themself.

Another reason Sid is loyal to this film is because it inspired a term that became used frequently in Sid's everyday life and still is to this day.For some reason, Gary sat at the beach just staring out at the ocean like 5 times throughout the film. Was this supposed to add depth to the character? Sid doesn't know about that. What we do know is that this was hilarious every time. So, Sid invites you to take part in our indulgence of the term "Wicked Games Moment." Anytime someone is staring off into space, looking like they're about to cry, that's a Wicked Games Moment. For the record, this is a favorite of the old boy, Santa Claus.

Finally, Sid must urge our loyal fans to pick up Wicked Games. It will be worth it. Once again, the script could very well have been the creative writing homework of a 12 year old with no friends and a slight chemical imbalance. So, obviously, this film gets a definite recommendation for a solid if not hilarious B viewing from Sid the Elf.

Sorry there is no movie trailer to be found anywhere, but here is a little interesting bio on one of the films actors Joel D. Wynkoop. He is loosely known as "The king of B movies" and 1 time Crystal Reel Award winner in 2006 for his performance in "The Bite." However the event took place at the Hyatt in Tampa Bay Fl. so you be the judge of the acclaim behind the award.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

GINGERDEAD MAN: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Full Moon Full Busey Full B!, June 11, 2007

This week we decided t Gingerdead Man staring Gary Busey. This is the prototypical B movie ladies and gentlemen. It had it all! Awful acting, special effects that could have been topped by a third grade art class, ridiculous dialog, and for an added bonus: rednecks!

Gary Busey plays a killer who kills all but one in the family who owns and operates a diner in Anytown, U.S.A. The daughter who remains alive, now runs the place. She has since testified against Busey, who is executed and cremated. Now, Busey's mother is heartbroken, so she does what any good Mom would do: she dumps her son's ashes into the gingerbread dough at the diner in order to exact revenge. At this point, all she needs is a little blood to drip into the dough, and that's it, instant horror B! It's that easy, folks. Anyway, the blood is provided by the idiot boyfriend who pretends to be a wrestler. He gets cut while trying to give himself a sharpshooter.

It's here that Busey comes alive as the Gingerdead man and starts the body count rolling. A bright spot is that the Miz was among the first to go. So, he obviously is stopped. But, they leave this one open for a sequel. Sid can only hope that Full Moon will stay with the Celebrity Fit Club routine and get Screech to star in Bearded Gingerdead Man 2. Maybe the gingerdead man can come back as the keyboard player in Zack Attack. Just the fact that Sid considered this while watching the movie tells you how B it was.

Note an added star was added due to an accidental appearance by a stagehand hiding behind a ladder. Good work Full Moon! Just when we thought you disappeared off the face of the earth, you totally redeem yourself gaining a star below the one and only DEATH RING. So, once again, we definitely recommend The Gingerdead Man if you're in the mood for a good old-fashioned B-horror. A hands down recipient of the Sid the Elf seal of approval.

Click here for movie trailer

TRAPPER COUNTY WAR: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Some Swayze, some explosions, but not quite enough, June 4, 2007

Trapper County War was viewed with high expectaions. We considered the idea of Don Swayze being a renagade Confederate trying to pull off a Southern accent and making his world-renowned facial ticks absolutely appealing. Who wouldn't? However, the filmakers seemed to try to make a sentimental love story out of this movie rather than making it good old fashioned B!

80's heartthrob, Rob Estes plays a Jersey stud driving to an undoubtedly sexy location for vacation. Unfortunately, he takes a wrong turn and ends up in the backwoods of North Carolina. Naturally, he can't go 5 minutes without some chick falling for him or his skin-tight acid washed levis. So the chick happens to be the sister/girlfriend of non other than screen legend Don Swayze. Obviously, in real life Swayze would go John Blackwell, his famous character from Death Ring, on him and rip him up. But this was an 80's movie, so Estes wins the girl and gets to leave Trapper County with the help of a crazy Vietnam vet.

Trapper County War was good times, bad times, and the Swayze times. We would still recommend popping it in, but maybe not first in your summer B line up.

Click here for movie trailer

RED LINE: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Chad Mcqueen, Jan Michael Vincent, & Corey Feldman. How can you go wrong?, June 4, 2007

Let us start off by saying, Chad you've done it again. First Death Ring, then Money To Burn, now Red Line. Never has chain smoking and an attitude problem looked so damn good. McQueen was not only the star of the show, but he also co-produced this B classic! But who else could have pulled this off? A lesser man would have replaced an actor (Jan Michael-Vincent) who was merely weeks removed from facial reconstructive surgery. But Chad ignored quality and focused on creating lines that were barely audible. Were they unable to afford to hire another actor? Probably, since Sid has it on good authority that Jan-Michael Vincent will work for a cup of noodles, a warm can of Busch, and a fifth of Hack Daniels(the B version of Jack, found on every Chad McQueen set). Or maybe Chad had to pay Vincent back for a large gambling debt, or maybe he was just trying to cater to his biggest(OK, only) fan, Sid the Elf. So, to put it into perspective, you had a main character who you coundn't understand when he talked and couldn't look at when he was on screen. That's as B as it gets. This amazing feature coupled with the extremely perplexing plot makes Red Line very enjoyable as long as you're willing to abandon all logic and accept the foregone conclusion of sheer confusion during and after the film!

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DEATH RING: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Sid the Elf says: BEST MOVIE EVER!!!!! Death Ring treats everybody right, December 18, 2005

In 1992, the film world was graced with the creation of the greatest movie ever. Well, maybe not to conventional moviegoers, but to real men and B fans everywhere, Death Ring is the definition of humans living that one moment when they achieve perfection. Chad McQueen and Don Swayze are the dynamic duo that are to B what Redford and Newman are to real movies. Swayze's contorted faces and McQueen's tough attitude and sleeveless denim vest(yeah, they're snaps) make this the best B effort yet. Then when you throw in Mike Norris and his wonderful overacting (take special notice to the completely unnecessary shoulder roll at the end of the movie- One of our favorites)and the always terrible Billy Drago. Drago's character, Denton Vachs, is the diabolical mastermind behind a human manhunt in which he kidnnapps Norris and offers the world greatest hunters(including the immortal Apache) a bounty to kill Mr. Collins on Vachs's private island. Is this the perfect premise for B? Come on. Does Sid the Elf jump out of a stocking? The planets just aligned on this one. So, if you're looking for a life-altering 90 minutes, involvig human safari, watch the best movie ever:Death Ring. It is hands down the winner of the Sid the Elf Lifetime Achievement Award for Best B Action.