Thursday, October 2, 2008

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory: 5 out of 5 stars

Instead of wearing an apron that says "Kiss the Cook," Seagal's says "Kiss the Rings B***h."- October 2,2008

For several months we have been searching every video store in hopes of finding Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, only to come up short time and time again. We even checked every $5 bin with exhaustion. The only thing we could come across was Under Siege which we have already watched/reviewed/loved but never it's b counterpart #2. So this past Sunday after a nice day of NFL action half of Sid was poking around his local blockbuster when something magnificent happend. Looking through some videos for sale revealed a copy of Under Siege 2 for the glorious price of $3.99. Just looking at the cover gives you the feeling that you're in for some of the finest action b you will ever grace your eyes upon. You have Seagal who is hanging from a moving train with one hand, his piece in the other, and all the rear cars on fire some a sweet explosion. The only thing that could have made the cover better was if you had a zombie Busey (since he died in the first one) hanging on behind Seagal. But since we didn't have a horror-action here that wasn't in the cards.
Our story picks up with now retired Navy chef Casey Ryback working as a cook at the Mile High Cafe in Denver Colorado ($100 says Seagal begged the producers to call it the Mile High Club). Ryback has decided he wants to take his niece Sarah (Katherine Heigl) on a little vacation to LA which she doesn't seem happy about at all. Instead of being happy to spend some time with uncle Seagal she's pissed because he and her father hadn't talked in years. He gives her some song and dance and all of a sudden she loves him again. Within a 2 minute span she goes from hating him to hugging him saying how happy she is to see him. Typical woman. Now that all is well in the Ryback family they hop aboard the train to meet their uncle Tom porter Bobby Zachs (Morris Chestnut) who has the hots for Sarah. That however soon changed when he tries to make a move on her and she grabs his hand flipping him over in quite the hilarious scene. She says she learned her sweet ninja moves from her uncle as the movie takes b to new heights. From the non stop corny dialogue within the first 20 minutes the film was already up to 2 stars.

Once the train gets moving we see a couple shady characters that you knew would be the hijackers. Travis Dane and his crew stand up with their guns and alert everyone they are taking control of the train. Who hijackes a train? We're pretty sure the last time a train was hijacked or robbed was in the 1920's, but Dane must be a man of tradition. We soon find out that 2 of the passengers on the train hold the secret passwords to control a top-secret government weapon of mass destruction. He makes them cough up the codes by nearly burning their eyes out with some device, which Santa told us all about when he burst in half way through the film. Anyway, once he gets the codes he throws both of them off the moving train down the side of a mountain. Fantastic! Now Dane hacks into the government database taking conrtol of the weapon. He starts going nuts blowing up various building all over the world. In fact the scene of the destroyed industrial facility in China recycles unused footage from On Deadly Ground (1994). In On Deadly Ground, it's the burning Aegis Oil facility. Another star for reused footage.

As the choas continues they find out the universally feared Casey Ryback is on the train. They find his niece and take her hostage to lure Ryback into their clutches. Unfortunate for them Ryback is already on his way killing any of their crew in his path with help from the porter. Ryback is able to unattach part of the cart with a lot of the hostages so they won't have to witness Rybacks sureal ninja moves rendering them speechless. We have some crazy fights scenes in which Seagal hangs off the side of a mountain with 1 hand yet manages to kill 2 guys. Don't ask. And he winds up taking out every villian, saving the pentagon, and his niece. Good thing the government left the fate of the world in Seagals hands by saying "Rybacks on that train? Leave it to him."

Under Siege 2 was well worth the wait. We would give it more then 5 stars if we could. It has everything you will ever need in an action movie. Expect explosions, hilarious sped up martial arts, neck snapping, arm breakings, train jumping, borat looking villan, non stop one liners, rock scailing, knife fighting, and a ton of casualties by the hands of a semi slender pre ponytailed Seagal. If you haven't seen this one and you enjoy our reviews go and pick it up. Do it Now! You'll even get to hear Seagal say "Nobody beats me in the kitchen!"

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

NFL Week 5: J Picks

Week 4 in the NFL may have been one of the strangest in a while. The Texans near win in Jacksonville was too close for comfort, KC getting it's first win in 12 consecutive losses by beating Denver, and Gomer throwng 6 td's? That's something still making my stomach turn. It was one crazy sloppy week of football that made me really think about week 5's games. Let's go to the picks:

Kansas City (1-3) @ Carolina (3-1)

I have to say KC looked good last week. Larry Johnson finally earned that big paycheck he held out for last season, but that won't be the case this week. I mean we're talking Carolina at home here. Sex Panthers Win.

Chicago (2-2) @ Detroit (0-3)

Part of me wants to say Detroit is going to upset Chicago and get their first win of the season. But the sensible side get's all hambone style saying "What are you nuts?" And no I am not nuts so the logical choice is Chicago who looked damn good against Philly last week. Bears Win

Atlanta (2-2) @ Green Bay (2-2)

Under normal circumstances Green Bay at home is an absolute yes. When Aaron "Norris" Rodgers doesn't take one snap during Wednesday's practice I get a little concerned. This pick is conditional because if Aaron plays I take Pack 100% but if he's out then I have to say Atlanta because I'd rather have my fiance start over Matt Flynn. Falcons win (Unless Rodgers plays)

San Diego (2-2) @ Miami (1-2)

My Dolphins are coming off a well deserved bye week after bending over the New England Patriots in Week 3. That right there was enough for me. If they didn't win another game all season I'd still be happy. This week San Diego comes into town with a clean slate. They're starting to look like last years team and thats not good for the Fins. Chargers Win

Seattle (1-2) @ NY Giants (3-0)

This one should be a lopsided event but may be a bit closer then you think. Now that Burris finally decided to get back into contact with his team he can start earning his salary. Unfortunately it won't be this week since he's suspended. So that may put a couple less Td's up for the Giants but it won't affect them too much. Giants Win

Washington (3-1) @ Philadelphia (2-2)

Coming off a very impressive win against Dallas the Skins are going into Philly to face another division rival. Philly is on the flipside of things coming off a tough loss to the Bears sunday night. The Skins are not going to stay hot and will lose this week in Philly. Eagles Win

Tennessee (4-0) @ Baltimore (2-1)

Tennessee is still undefeated with Kerry Collins as the starting QB. Who would've guessed? They go up against Baltimore at home who is coming off a close Monday night loss to the Steelers. Mcgahee is said to be ok and will play this Sunday which is a must for them to get the W. I think Baltimore will come out strong to hand the Titans their first loss of the season. Ravens Win

Indianapolis (1-2) @ Houston (0-3)

Indy looks nothing like they have over the past few years. The team just looks rattled and don't think the bye week helped. Somehow I see Houston hungry for that win after falling short to the Jags in OT. This seem nuts but I see the Colts dropping to 1-3 and Houston getting a deserved home win. Texans Win

Tampa Bay (3-1) @ Denver (3-1)

This should be a decent game. Here we have Tampa whose Defense has been really good going against one of the most explosive offenses in the league. After KC handed Denver an embarrassing loss they will be fired up at home. Broncos Win

Buffalo (4-0) @ Arizona (2-2)

Kurt Warner was laughable last week against the Jets. Watching some of that game nearly put me to sleep proving Arizona is going nowhere this year. Buffalo comes in still Red Hot and doesn't look like they're dropping a game anytime soon. I feel there may be an upset here but after last week just can't possible go with the Cards. Bills Win

New England (2-1) @ San Francisco (2-2)

When you lose against a team who was 1-15 last year that has to hurt your confidence. No matter how much they say they're past it they're not. They are going up against the 49ers who will be retiring Steve Young's jersey and should be fired up. I think everyone realizes how beatable the Pats are at this point and see Frank Gore lighting up their crybaby Defense. Look's like Belichick will have to drown his miseries in a tranny prostitute from the Bay area. Break out the jumpers cables and Ipecac. 49ers Win

Cincinnati (0-4) @ Dallas (3-1)

This game is the superbowl of Charlie wide recievers. You have Owens who has started the complaining after one loss and Ocho Cinco is saying he's going to kiss the star, yet can't seem to find his way into the end zone. This will be a complete and utter blowout. Cowboys Win huge.

Pittsburg (3-1) @ Jacksonville (2-2)

Pittsburg and Jacksonville are both coming off of last minute wins. However the Steelers are down to 1 healthy running back while Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall are injured and have no chance of playing. This is going to be a huge problem forcing Roethlisberger to keep the ball in the air against the Jags D at home. That will be the big factor in this game. Jaguars Win

Minnesota (1-3) @ New Orleans (2-2)

Here's our Monday night event in New Orleans. Pretty sure the Saints are going to take this one pretty easily. I see Reggie Bush lighting up the Vikings D. Definately 100+ yards. Saints Win

Lone Wolf Mcquade: 4 out of 5 stars

You can't get blood out of a stone, but Chuck Norris can, Sept 30, 2008

Lone Wolf McQuade is a movie that has long been on Sid the Elf's "Movies we absolutely must review at some point" list. We knew the possibility for greatness existed because Chuck was involved and he was playing a loner rouge Texas Ranger. If that's not a recipe for success, Sid doesn't know what is. Upon learning that Chuck's co-star in the movie was David Caradine, our level of excitement went up a notch because we knew there would be some terrific B fight scene. So we finally took the oportunity to watch the flick that was a huge inspiration for Walker Texas Ranger. In fact, one-half Sid is seriously considering taking a cue from Ricky Bobby and naming one kid Lone Wolf and another McQuade. Also, to take things up a notch, we had Santa with us watching the flick, and it was so good that he stayed awake for almost the whole thing.

If there has ever been a better begining to a movie, Sid will eat his pointy elf hat. You have a group of Mexican bandits, or banditos, wreaking havoc and causing chaos on their horses even though the film is set in 1983. Anyway, the leader of the gang wore only a black vest, and he had no business not wearing a shirt. The film is set in sunny El Paso, Texas so thankfully, the gang leader's gold tooth glistened in the sun brilliantly. We cannot emphasize this enough, this guy looked like he smelled as bad as anyone has ever smelled. It ends up that these banditos kill a couple of state troopers, but the whole scene is being watched by J.J. McQuade(Norris) from the top of a hill. Obviously, a battle ensuses in which Chuck offs like 5 guys by haphazardly spraying bullets in their general direction while spinning around. Breathtaking. Later, Chuck's captain attemps to pair him up with a young but talented cop named Kayo. We said it even before Norris could, "Chuck works alone." Then we get a glimpse into McQuade's personal life. We see McQuade's shack and his pet wolf. The house is deplorable. It looks like a tornado hit it and the fridge is stocked with nothing but brew. Well done, Chuck. Then we get to see Norris take some target practice on homemade targets. Trust us, this was hilarious. He has an ex-wife and a daughter who is dating a swell guy who thinks McQuade is the tops. McQuades daughter and her boyfriend are not doing anything parked in a car atop a hill when they see an Army cargo convoy being hijacked. Somebody sees them and pushes the car down the hill, killing the boyfriend and injuring the daughter. Bad move, guys. Now McQuade is going to track you down and make you wish you were never born.

McQuade employs the help of Kayo and Federal agent Jackson, played by A.C. Green and his fro/mullett, to track down the hijackers who injured his daughter. McQuade's trail leads him to Rawley Wilkes(Caradine) and Lola Richardson, the woman Wilkes is trying to uncork. However, she takes one look at Chuck and says "Why have hamburger when you can have fillet mignon, I want Chuck and his excessive body hair. I want him to give me a light rash." We've seen that Chuck can kick butt like none other. Now we get to see Caradine put on a martial arts display at a county fair. And it was pretty good. You just know there's a showdown coming. McQuade meets up with Wilkes's sidekick, an elf. That's right, Wilkes's right hand man was a cunning wise-cracking motorized wheelchair-riding brethern of Sid himself. McQuade gets a bit of info about Wilkes' operations and decides to take him down. But, Wilkes is onto McQuade and decides to attack him first. He kidnaps McQuade's daughter and Lola and shoots McQuade's pet wolf. This sends McQuade into a frenzy and he goes with his two helpers to Wilkes's compound. For perhaps the only time in his life, Chuck gets a beatdown by Wilkes' henchmen. They put McQuade in his souped up SUV and bury him alive in the vehicle. McQuade regains consciousness and realizes the situation. Of course he floores the pedal and drives out of the dirt, what else did you expect?

So now it's time for the inevitable McQuade-Wilkes showdown. Lets look at the tale of the tape: McQuade just drove out of being buried alive and energized himslef with a beer, Wilkes just kidnapped two women and shot a pet wolf. Advantage McQuade. McQuade is wearing a sleeveless Army vest with no shirt unerneath, Wilkes is wearing a completely queer white Argyll sweater. Huge advantage McQuade. That's really all you need to know. After getting his butt kicked for a couple minutes, McQuade rallied and whooped Wilkes to a pulp. Chuck never has and never will lose a fight. That's the rule.

We couldn't imagine a better result from a spur of the moment choice to watch Lone Wolf McQuade. It has everything we could ask for. A Santa viewing with tons of borderline disturbing commentary absolutely not suitable for print, Norris and his obscene ammount of chest/shoulder hair, a hot chick, a great villain, a gang of banditos with a perfect leader, a crossbow, and most importantly an elf with a prominent role. The only reason this film got only 4 stars from us is the lag in the middle of the film. Despite this, we can't recomend this film strongly enough. It is an absolute must for Chuck fans, and for those who appreciate a true B Action