Thursday, May 8, 2008

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: 1.0 out of 5 stars

It's too bad they didn't go with the original idea: Tom Hanks in Conan- Sleepless in Mongolia, December 10, 2007

Well, let's just say that we, Sid the Elf, were not impressed by Conan the Barbarian. This movie was a chick flick in a thin disguise. There was even the cheesiest death scene in movie history when Arnold's butter-face got iced. We gathered from reading some of the reviews by the Dungeons and Dragons losers that loved this movie that Conan was a book once upon a time. It could have only been one of those cheap novels they have at the checkout lines in supermarkets because this crap was a bad romance novel. In fact, the only people Sid can imagine liking this movie are girls. Or, maybe men seeking men in your beloved chat rooms. Dorks.

Arnold is in the middle of his three injections a day and dips on props in between takes stage of his career, and he runs around all movie without a shirt. Perfect for sweetie pies. There was a complete lack of anything cool in this movie with the exception of a few beheadings, and the fact that the dude from Spinal Tap made a cameo. This was certainly not the Arnold we've come to know and love. Another reason these nerds loved this movie so much is because it reminded them of Star Wars because Darth Vader played the villain again. Oh boy! So, if you're an Arnold fan and want to see how he started his career, just be glad it got off the ground to give you Predator, Total Recall, and Comando and ask no further questions. We are just glad we didn't start off our Arnold viewings with this one or we would have never been lucky enough to decide on his classics. Stay far away! And if you do rent this one, when you return it to your local video store, scream "He's gone! The evil's gone from here!"

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