Saturday, June 28, 2008

B Movie clip of the week

This weeks clip is yet another early 90's horror from one of Sid's favorite production companies Full Moon. If you are not familiar with Full Moon then you don't know what you're missing (only if you love b otherwise you're not missing anything). The acting is a joke, the effects couldn't be worse, and their budget never exceedes a third graders weekly allowance. This beauty is known as Seed People and promises to deliver the goods. It looks like a 4-5 star effort to us.

Groundbreaking news: Don West is still alive!

Being young there was nothing better then watching Don West at 1:30 in the morning on a Saturdays. Sporting a healthy mullet and wal-mart special denim shirt he would spout off deals on ancient boxes of cards in the loudest possible voice. At times he would get so red in the face that Sid was expecting him to pass out on camera, much like Santa after Brett would throw a touch down pass. He was a weekly addiction until the day he and his show disappeared off tv and left us in search of the gem mint legend. After years of searching we just gave up assuming he was living a modest life running a card table at a Tennessee Flea market, UNTIL TODAY. Word on the street is Don West will be hosting pay per view wrestling events. Here is the exact statement: "It has been officially announced that Don has been signed to be a broadcaster for TNA, a weekly pay-per-view wrestling bonanza. Starting Wednesday, June 19th, Don will... be Don... for $9.95 per show."

We can only hope that this statement found on is true. If it is Sid can say nothing else but "Thats Amazing."

Friday, June 20, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

This weeks choice was almost too easy. When the stars of the show are Lloyd Braun and the coach from Rookie of the Year you know it is going to show up on our blog. Oh and did I mention it's an action movie because that kind of important. Yeah an action movie, awesome. This one is pure 80's delight and contains all the elements of a poorly made action flick during an era that you've come to cherish. It is known simply as Fast Money and can most likely be found on ebay for a starting bid of 4 cents with free shipping. Enoy.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

FIRST BLOOD: 5.0 out of 5 stars

You want some advice? Get a haircut and take a bath. You wouldn't get hassled so much.,
June 19, 2008

Sid the Elf has finally gotten around to reviewing First Blood. We figured that it was time to finish off the Rambo series. This movie is that rare breed of B. It's actually a good flick, but there's enough funny stuff/tough one-liners/explosions to make it possibly B. Then when you consider that Sly is the star, all bets are off. If he's in the movie, it's probably B with few noted exceptions. First Blood was actually a pretty assertive film in its time. It dealt heavily with the problem of soldiers returning from Vietnam. And, clearly, in the case of John J. Rambo it was a BIG problem. Sid has seen this movie roughly 10 times over the years, and it never lets up on the laughs. In fact, it's like a fine wine that gets better with age. First Blood stars the one and only Sly Stallone; if you don't know that, shame on you--really. It also stars Richard Crenna as Col. Trautman, Brian "Big Tom Callahan" Dennehy as the sheriff, David Caruso Deputy Mitch--seriously, and Dr. Phil as Deputy Sgt. Arthur Galt. Sid laughs over 600 times during a routine Rambo viewing, and could probably write a 30 page essay on the film but we will try to keep it manageable.

First Blood starts with Rambo walking along a country road in the Pacific Northwest. He is going to visit the last surviving member, other than himself, of his old unit from 'Nam. However, upon arrival at his comrade's house, Rambo learns that he died of cancer. This was a thinly veiled allusion to Agent Orange and other chemicals that 'Nam soldiers were exposed to, causing many illnesses. So, a devastated Rambo continues ambling down the road with his worldly possessions on his shoulder and his green Army jacket on his back. He's walking not two minutes when he is spotted by the sheriff. Oh man, it might not seem like it, but here's where the film gets interesting. Just on sight, Big Tom loathes Rambo. He's an old-school sheriff who wants no part of a greasy goomba drifter setting up in his town, and he pretty much says so. The title of this wonderful review is a direct quote from Big Tom himself to Rambo. Anyway, Rambo defies the sheriff, and gets himself thrown in jail in a must-see sequence. Just hilarious. While in jail, the deputies decide to mess with Rambo and they start to dry-shave him. Of course, this sends Rambo into a gargantuan 'Nam flashback. So he goes berserk, catches a deputy with the front, beats them all down and leaves the jail; but not before taking his confiscated knife back from the station. Sid's favorite part of the movie comes here, when Rambo needs transportation. He clotheslines some guy off his motorcycle then steals it and rides it into the woods. Hilarious. The cops give chase, but can't catch him. The sheriff's car ends up getting overturned, but he continues to give chase. He and his top deputy, Dr. Phil--in a helicopter-- have Rambo cornered and his only choice is to rappel down the side of a cliff. But, as he's hanging there, Dr. Phil decides to go against orders and take a couple of shots at the fugitive. Rambo then decides to jump from the cliff in the famous scene where Stallone really broke his ribs. While he's on the ground, he throws a big rock at the helicopter breaking its windshield. This causes the helicopter to bank hard, flinging Dr. Phil from the open door. He, obviously, falls to his death. We then find out that Rambo is a former Green Beret and Congressional Medal of Honor recipient. And, just like that, things take a turn. Rambo picks off like 2 more deputies, and gets a hold of the sheriff. He holds the hunting knife to Big Tom's throat in the transcendent "I'm the law out here. I could have killed you. Let it go" scene which leaves Big Tom sitting against a tree weeping like a little girl. Then Rambo's former mentor, Col. Trautman visits the scene, and he says things to Big Tom like, "I didn't come here to rescue Rambo from you, I came to rescue you from Rambo." Yikes. If it's me, I'm welcoming the staties and the National Guard with open arms. But, not Big Tom. He's pissed they're there. These guys are real yahoos, though. This, of course, includes the infamous "Bullseye!"/Kurt Rambis guy. Anyway, these yamsticks decide to shoot a rocket launcher into the cave where Rambo's hiding out. Then they just start celebrating, kicked off by Kurt Rambis. They finally go into the cave...and no Rambo. Nope, he's not dead in the cave. He's hijacking an Army cargo truck, swiping from it a huge M-16 and the famous ammo belt he throws around his shoulder.

Here's where things get crazy. And we start to see that Rambo is definitely crazy. Rambo decides to go back into town and just demolish everything. He crashes the Army truck into the pumps at a gas station, then sets fire to the trail of gas, causing one of the best explosions in action movie history. The gas pumps, the Army truck, and all the cars in the adjoining dealership all explode. Next, Rambo sets a gunpowder trail leading to a huge pile of ammo in a gun shop; so when he shot the gunpowder, explosions and rounds were going off like crazy. He shoots like 8 transformers and kills all the power in town so he could effectively locate the sheriff. He finally sees Sheriff Teasle on the roof of the police station, so Rambo goes into the empty station and shoots Big Tom through the ceiling. You know where it's going. Ouch. Then the sheriff falls through the ceiling and is laying there with Rambo's M-16 trained on him. But, at the last second Col. Trautman comes in and stops Rambo from killing Big Tom. Of course, they then have a Good Will Hunting "It's not your fault," moment. But, instead of it being poignant and well-acted, it's just completely forced and hilarious. Stallone was even doing his Rambo lines in the Rocky voice. It was great. Sid isn't sure if old Sly has ever been worse than in that final First Blood scene, and that's saying something. If you've never seen the awful ending to Rambo, or maybe just don't remember it, here's a gift from Sid to you.

First Blood is definitely a Sid favorite. So, we had to give it the full show with Drive-In Totals and everything.

1 clotheslined motorcycle driver

1 Army cargo truck-jacking

3 Dead dogs courtesy of John J. Rambo

1 cameo by Kurt Rambis

6 'Nam flashbacks

1 Rat attack

37 hard-ass one-liners by Big Tom Callahan

1 blown up sporting goods store

1 wrecked police station

4 people thrown/crashing through windows

3 awesome explosions

1 incoherent ending speech by Rambo

93 Rambo kills...

...and 1 woefully terrific Frank Stallone classic tune gracing the closing credits

Friday, June 13, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

This weeks clip is known simply as Frostbiter. Not only is it grammatically incorrect but it is also one of the worst movie clips Sid has ever graced his eye's on. This gem was released during 1994 (a golden era for b horror) and somehow seemed to have gotten lost in the shuffle. Maybe it was all the overflow success from Death Ring that kept this puppy out of the public eye or maybe it was just it was so b that no audience on planet earth would be able to view it without spontaneously combusting. We're not sure but are happy to present you with the chilling trailer. Actually the only thing chilling about it is the stream of urine that may trickle down you leg from all the laughter. We hope you enjoy.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

RAMBO: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Sly never disappoints. Even if it's not really him, just some guy wearing a Stallone mask, June 5, 2008

It's a double-dip this week. We polished off Rambo after the wonderful Forced Vengeance. Sid the Elf doesn't want to start a "Paul is Dead" type of conspiracy theory here, but are we sure that it was Sly in Rambo and not just some guy wearing a Sly Stallone mask? All right, we'll move on. Why Sly decided to revive Rambo, Sid doesn't know. Maybe it was because Rocky Balboa was well enough received. Maybe because he signed a new 3 picture deal(Lockup 2 has to be in the works. Please, Sly!). Whatever the reason, Sid couldn't be happier that John Rambo is back enforcing American righteousness. Even if the old boy Sly had to have botox injections between takes, it was worth it. Rambo was killer--seriously.

This time, Rambo lives in Southeast Asia. His existence is really simple and peaceful. Rambo actually seems happy, even if his first line in the movie was "f-off." He catches dangerous snakes in the jungle and sells them to a sort of circus. While he's selling off his latest catch, a missonary from Colorado, played by the priest from The Sopranos, approaches Rambo about renting his boat to take the group of missionaries into Burma. The plot thickens, literally.

Not wanting to go near the sensitivities about the Middle East, Sly decided on setting Rambo in Burma. He centered the film on the conflict between two factions there. In the words of Father Phil, "It's more like genocide." The missionaries want to go to Burma to help the group that is being slaughtered. Rambo expresses what Sid is sure everyone watching the movie was thinking: that going into Burma at that point is just a really bad, stupid idea. But, it's here that we see the softer side of Rambo. He lets Sara, who is one of the missionaries, played by the incomparable Julie Benz, talk him into taking them to Burma in his boat(there is probably the ultimate Quagmire joke to be made with that sentence, but Sid will keep this one clean). Not that we can blame Rambo here, she could probably coax Sid into oncoming traffic. Anyway, en route to their destination, Rambo and the gang encounter Burmese pirates. Of course, Rambo obliterates them. He then drops the group off, and tells them they're on their own and goes back to the pirates' boat to blow it up and destroy the evidence. You know these Burmese dudes are no joke if Rambo is covering his tracks.

About 10 days pass and Rambo gets a visit at his home while he's asleep in his hammock. He is told that the group of missionaries has been captured(shocker) and a band of mercenaries has been hired to get them. Rambo then agrees to take the mercenaries to the point he dropped the missionaries. The leader of the mercenaries is a real stroonz. He argues with Rambo without John J. even saying a word. He even commented on Rambo's "thousand yard stare," saying that he's "seen it all before," and that he's "not impressed." Anyway, when they reach their destination, Rambo sets off to go onto land with them. He's told to piss off basically. Unreal. He goes another route anyway, unbeknown to the mercenaries. When they get in trouble, Rambo bails them out. He then organizes the group to infiltrate the camp where the missionaries are being held. He gets them out, but now they have to reach safety. This proves rather tricky, and ends up being the climax of the film. Obviously, Rambo and the mercenaries have a massive firefight with the Burmese militants. This scene lasts for a good 10-15 minutes and is filled with a wonderfully abundant amount bullets and explosions. The best thing about it though was that it looked so realistic. Guys didn't go flying 10 feet into the air. They just crumpled against the ground. So, after they win(you knew they would) Rambo leaves. We then see him in his old Army jacket with his old bag walking along a road presumably in his hometown of Bowie, Arizona. He is at his father's ranch. As the closing credits roll, he approaches the house.

If you notice, Sid doesn't make too much fun of this one, well except for Sly's new weird face. The reason for this is that Rambo was a genuinely good film--seriously. It did have a ton I mean a TON of explosions and guys being ripped apart by large caliber bullets which never hurts the cause. There were 262 kills in Rambo, more than the first three films combined. Sid was surprised by this figure because it didn't seem like there were THAT many bodies falling. The reason for our surprise: the violence was integral to the plot. It underscored the fact that what was going on in Burma was deplorable. In the battle scene, Father Phil picked up a rock and bashed an attacker's head in with a purely visceral look on his face. A more clear symbol of man's survival instincts Sid cannot imagine. Here is a man who vigorously denounced killing at the beginning of the film, but changed when he had to. Sly must be huge on change. He uses it as a major theme in Rambo, just like he did in Rocky 4. And you know what? It's what pulled the film together. Sid really cannot even make fun of the scene with Rambo walking down the street at the end. It signified him coming full circle and finally exercising his demons. Under normal circumstances, Sid would have been hysterical at this sight. But it was actually nice to see some sentimentality and a layer added to a character who, up to that point had been just a killing machine. So, kudos to Sly for a really well-done effort. See Rambo, it is one of the better action flicks around.

Click here for movie trailer:

RAMBO III: 3.5 out of 5 stars

Who are you? Your Worst Nightmare,June 10, 2008

On the heels of the extremely enjoyable Rambo(2008) Sid the Elf decided to finally review Rambo III. Also, due to the recent oppressive heat wave that has crashed upon the North Pole, Sid hallucinated and thought he was in an Afghan desert, so Rambo III just felt right. However, while First Blood (Special Edition) and Rambo: First Blood, Part 2 were clearly good enough to receive 5 stars from Sid, Rambo III fell short. Please note that we're talking about the movie here, not the transcendent Rambo III video game on Sega which would receive roughly 38 out of 5 stars. As always, visit Sid the Elf's Movie World for the Rambo III trailer, all our reviews; and some of our favorite pics, sound clips and videos. If you don't crack up at least 10 times on our site, you don't have a soul. Ok, back to the review.

This time, Rambo is somewhere in Asia living in a Buddhist monetary--now this is true. And, the first appearence in the film by John J. is at a seedy Asian fight club. He is stick-fighting some guy who looks like he just missed the cut to be in The Samoans. Anyway, Rambo is eventually approached by his old mentor, played by Richard Crenna. He needs Rambo to help him out with a mission in Afghanistan against the Russians. Rambo declines and Crenna predictably gets captured during the mission. So, word gets back to Rambo and he decides to...yep, infiltrate the camp where Crenna is a prisoner and bust him out. Rambo gets some help along the way from Bilo and Bilo's son. They give him some stellar backup, ammo and teach him a new sport. Apparently, in Afghanistan, the sport of choice isn't anything remotely cool. No, it's mounting a horse and carrying a gym bag covered in faux fur across a sort of goal line. "Like football," Rambo says. Um, yeah Rambo, kinda. This is one of the funniest and best scenes in the entire film. Not a good sign.

Now, Rambo makes it to the prison camp. He has to take out roughly 78 guys by himself. But, he has the wonderful old explosive tip arrows, a grenade launcher, and a ton of other awesome weapons. This is great and all, but where were these things being stashed? Did Rambo carry them in his black wife-beater? Were they kept in Bilo's cage? It was just a distracting thought. As in all action movies, the hero has to take out the top bad guy after he takes out the top bad guy's henchman. These were the shining moments in Rambo III, well, except for gym bag-horse football. Rambo takes out the henchman in quite possibly the coolest way in action film history. The henchman has Rambo in a ferocious bear-hug. Rambo wraps some rope around the guy's neck, pulls the pins from the grenades hanging from the guy's jacket, gets out of the bear hug, and kicks the guy down a hole leading to a cave. So, as he's descending into the cave he freakin' blows up! This scene is absolutely awesome. Above all else, if you're on the fence about seeing Rambo III, see it for this scene. If you like action at all, you will love this part. Then there is the little matter of Rambo vs. the head bad guy. He was the warden of the prison camp, the Russian Drumgoole. So, this guy is in a helicopter and Rambo is in a tank. These two are moving towards one another, playing chicken, but neither swerve. Sid would love some feedback on this: When the helicopter and tank crash, is it actually realistic that the guy in the helicopter dies and the guy in the tank walks away merely dazed?

Rambo III was a strange entity. It had no discernible plot, terrible acting, and the tired 80's theme of Evil Russians. But, it was a Rambo movie. So, you're guaranteed Stallone and an inordinate amount of explosions which make it watchable. This was an interesting point in Sly's career. Rambo III was preceded by Rambo II, Rocky IV, Cobra, and Over the Top. Impressive. His next film, after Rambo III, was the legendary Lock Up. Very impressive. But, after that, Tango&Cash, Rocky V, Oscar(which bombed but isn't awful), and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Wow. Nobody loves Sly more than Sid, except for maybe Santa, but this is just a laundry list of crap. Not good times for Sly. Did he and Frank try out their famous lounge singing act during this stretch? Anyway, thankfully Sly recovered and got back on track,(scrolling through imdb feverishly)...Rambo(2008) was good! We'll give that one to Sly even if it wasn't him in the movie, just some guy in a Stallone mask.
Click here for movie trailer:

Monday, June 9, 2008

From deep inside Sid's vault

Every now and then we feel it our duty to let the Sid fans out there in on some of our most protected material. What you are about to witness is a Japanese show we discovered many years ago entitled Journey to the West. Found only on public access (the same channel that aired the legendary Don West) every Thursday night during the mid 90's. It is extremely bizzare yet simply hypnotic. If you are like us it will suck you in and never spit you back out. Sit back and enjoy the Tang Priest on some of the strangest moments in Sid's television history.

Friday, June 6, 2008

B movie clip of the week

This weeks movie clip takes you back to the year 1992 which happend to be part of the best era for b classics. The reason for this pick was for pure sentimental reasons. Many a nights during the early 90's Santa would be sound asleep in his 70's looking lazy boy chair while Sid would be flipping through the pay channels in search for a film stating it had: nudity, strong sexual content, and violence. This is how we were introduced to the intriguing world of b films. We were simply looking for some softcore and realized that if it was combined with some explosions and terrible acting it could be a lethal combo resulting in pure B delight. Here you will see a clip that Sid would have & still would be more then happy to view. It stars former one time underage porn star Traci Lords and is called Intent to Kill. I challenge you not to laugh at what you are about to witness.

Here's a little afternoon delight

Here is a clip of some of the best moments from the classic Beavis and Butthead Do America. This is one of Sid's all-time favorites and promises to generate the laughs. The ultimate clip in the montage is found at 4:37 minutes. Here you get to see Beavis and Buttheads fathers in one of the funniest moments you will ever see. It was also the inspiration for the title in our Forced Vengence review. Yeah, we're that good.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

FORCED VENGEANCE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Less than 5 stars for Chuck just because he couldn't say "Shut up dumbass, you didn't score. I scored with both of them." , June 3, 2008

1982 was a big year for Chuck Norris. He released two terribly awesome or awesomely terrible movies. One was Silent Rage. The other is the reason your pal, Sid the Elf, has ended his Spring hiatus--Forced Vengeance. Also 1982 is the year in which a hairy chest and a blond mullet crested as the sign of masculine virility. What is not a sign of masculine virility, however, is having a tailor-made chance to have a hot fugitive threesome with a buxom blond and a dark beauty and not getting it done. Shame on you, Chuck. Really, that was the only thing Sid could find wrong with Forced Vengeance. I know it was 1982, but that could have broken down the barrier. We could have B action stars having orgies all over the place by now.

So, instead of something more aptly titled, "Unforced Entrance," we got "Forced Vengeance." And that's just fine with Sid. It is a Chuck Norris movie set in Hong Kong, after all. Chuck plays Josh Randall--no, not John Rambo, Josh Randall. He's a one-man security force for the Lucky Dragon casino, which was founded by Randall's longtime friend Sam Pacal and is now run by Sam's son, David. Early in the film we see Randall's whipping prowess. He goes to collect a $115k gambling debt and simply destroys the gamblers henchman. But we also see his gentle side when he chastises David for making a dishonest dealer walk through the casino bareassed. After a sexy...a time with his girlfriend Carrie, Norris gets back to the casino just in time to thwart a robbery with devastating barrages of roundhouse kicks that never come close to anyone.

Later, at Sam's house, David tells his father about a merger offer of sorts from Stan Raimondi. Raimondi is supposedly the leader of a crime syndicate and he wants to offer "protection" to the Lucky Dragon, but really he just wants to be there to see more bareassed dealers. So, Randall, Sam, and David go to see Raimondi. Raimondi offers Randall a job in an extremely awkward exchange Randall tells him, "Thanks, but no thanks." Raimondi replies, "I'm not a man who hears no very often." And just as one half Sid was saying to the other "Wanna hear it again?" Norris comes out with it. That's why we love the guy, he delivers. Norris then has a near run-in with Raimondi's goon, the second cousin of the "You talk too much" guy from Death Ring. This scene is important for many reasons, none more than than Norris spouts his favorite line in the movie again "Yeah, that's right" which is an old favorite of Santa himself. Randall then goes to Sam's only to find him and David murdered. The only one left in the family now is Joy, Sam's other kid, and the dark beauty mentioned above. So, Norris takes her and Carrie to a perfect rent by the hour motel complete with Asian Santa working the front desk. If ever there was an opportunity for Chuck to shoot the 3, this was it. But, no. Instead they go to see Laurence Fishburne's brother, Laurence Fishburne. This guy is an old friend who gives Chuck a sweet piece. And they have one hell of a look between them through which the sexual tension gushes. Chuck leaves the chicks with LeRoy Nicely--that's really the guys name--to track down some leads on Sam and David's killer. When he returns to Nate's(it totally sounded like Norris kept calling Nicely Nate, sending Sid into a frenzy every time) he finds Nicely badly beaten and Carrie raped and killed with Joy virtually unharmed by Raimondi's goon, Kam.

Holy Turbo Time. Now this is true: Chuck puts on his old Army uniform because he's going Commando. Oh! But, seriously, he's going on a mission to take out everyone involved in the Osirus syndicate. He takes out Raimondi by hanging him off the side of a yacht even though the noose had a good foot of room around his neck. It's a beautiful thing. Also in this sequence, Norris fights a guy who was the insiration for Robin Williams's portrayal of Popeye. Then he goes to get it on with the real head of Osirus, an old man in a wheelchair who is happily watching Tom and Jerry. Of course, he's flanked by Killer Kam. Yep, it's time for the last showdown. There is a horrifically delivered line by Kam, furthering the suspicion that he is the Asian Frankenstein. So, he and Chuck fight it out. Kam is legitimately whooping Chuck, but it's Chuck. He always manages to impossibly pull off the improbable. In honor of the end of Sid's Spring Break, you're getting drive-in totals. We knew you'd be thrilled.

18 roundhouse kicks

2 roundhouse kicks that actually looked like they landed

7 "Yeah, that's right" utterances by Might U.S. Warlord Premier Norris

7 1/2 breasts including Norris'

1 Popeye look-a-like

1 Asian Santa

13 "Your car thirsty, Chuck?"/Nate jokes

6 "Aren't you Laurence Fishburne's brother, Laurence Fishburne?"/Family Guy refrences

1 awful bathroom brawl. And...

...213 tough one-liners by the king of the one-liners, Chuck Norris!
Click here for movie trailer: