Morty Seinfeld, he's a bum, Sept 30, 2008
As October rapidly approaches it seems a no brainer to continue on the path of b horror, which we and so many others love. This week's film The Fear has been on our radar for quite some time but hasn't been acted upon until we recently purchased it as part of a four pack for $9. So that means this one individually cost $2.25 which still may be a bit too steep. Roughly 12 years ago was the first time we saw the film and couldn't recall much except for how bad it was. Now you may ask, if it's so bad why would you want to watch it again? The logic behind that is when we first saw the film we were kids looking to be legitimately scared. Now instead of looking for scares we seek laughter from the horrible acting and confusing plots. Thats the art of b and the reason we label these films as "unintentional comedies." Under these guidelines you can extract good out of the worst movies ever made providing a very enjoyable viewing experience. The Fear had to fall into this category or couldn't be viewed without slipping into a coma.
The film starts off with psychology student Richard (Eddie Bowz) who has these recurring nightmares from his childhood, but can't seem to figure out their meaning or why they scare him so much. In these dreams he's walking around in the woods where he see's two masked men burying somebody. With this constantly on his mind he decides he'd like to spice up his thesis by running an experiment on a group of people to make them face their darkest fears at his remote childhood cabin in the middle of the woods. He presents this idea to his professor Dr. Arnold (Wes Craven) who approves of the experiment and arranges the weekend trip. Now Richard, who looks like his life ambition was to land a spot on Melrose Place, rounds up this group consisting of his girlfriend Ashley, his friend (Troy) who is under the impression he's black despite his white exterior, Troy's sister Leslie, an actual black guy, and two other forgettable characters. They all hit the road and make their way to the cabin except for Dr. Arnold (Craven), who runs off the movie set screaming I'm a millionare why the hell did I show up for this.
Upon arrival at the cabin we get introduced to our favorite character Uncle Pete who is drunk out of his mind and dressed up like Santa Claus. It seems that Uncle Pete, who owns a tourist Christmas village, still lives where fruity Richard grew up and just happened to drop by this abandoned cabin at the same time his nephew was there. Now you'd think Richard would be happy to see the jolly Uncle Pete but it's quite the contrary. He tells Pete and his slutty young girlfriend they have to beat it because he has to run a very serious yet very b experiment. After Pete and his grilfriend pleed to stay he figures they can be used in the experiment also. Once they get inside the cabin Richard whips out his old friend Morty, who is a large wooden dummy we assume he did some questionable things with. They try to play some creepy music to set the mood but it does nothing. He explains to start the experiment Morty will be placed in a chair and each person will sit in front of the wooden dummy and give an account of their worst fears. Yeah it's much more hilarious when you're watching it. As each person goes the film hits new hieghts of boredom. You sit through this group of losers talk about their fears like they're on Dr. Phil's show in hopes Morty will get up and start knocking everyone off, especially Troy. Out of all the fears non were more pathetic then the homeboy Troy's. We were hoping he would say his biggest fear is coming to terms with the fact that he's white but instead he says bees. Bees, are you kidding? What are you a four year old? No wonder this movie cost less then a large coffee.
As we painfully continue the film turns into a soap opera where everyone exposes their inmost fears. The strangest part came a few minutes later when Troy's sister stepped up to the plate. Apparently she left Troy when he was young which seems to hurt yet turn him on because later he tries to make out with her. It was almost a love scene which was a bit more then uneasy to watch. We didn't know what the hell was going on and would never find out because the situation was never explained. There was just this strange sexual tension between the two. Finally after about a 30 minute stretch of nothing Morty comes to life. Hilarious! We came to the conclusion the he looked like Robin Williams in Bicentenial Man. That was the ongoing joke that kept us going. Once they realize he's allive it turns into somewhat of a slaher film only much more b. He chases them around Uncle Petes tourist village called Santas playhouse, lawsuit is pending, and picks off some of the group. One by one each peson gets it as they run aimlessly through the woods by the cabin. As Richard tries to escape he runs in the cabin and finds uncle Pete drunk again. They start fighting and Pete reveals the secret to why Richard's afraid of Morty. It's because when Richard was young he caught his mom cheating on his dad and ratted her out. Then Dad and Uncle Pete wacked her and buried her in the woods telling him if he ever told anyone then Morty would kill him. Somehow Richard forgot all about his tramatic childhood and now understands the nightmares. So gay! After this Richards confronts Morty to tell him he's no longer afriad. Morty's only response is to freeze up then turn around and walk into the lake. Why the lake? We have no idea. They wrap up this mess by showing a soccer ball rolling down a hill with a kid chasing it. The ball stops at the feet of our wooden friend Morty who apparently got done swimming and wanted to take a stroll through the woods. The kid stops and stares at Morty as he gently kicks the ball to him. It appears Morty changed his murderous puppet ways and will possible get a job working at the local ihop.
All in all this one was still pretty much as bad as we remembered. It was so far from scary but that wasn't our intent anyway. We were looking to Morty for some hilarious b but didn't even get that. The only reason we were generous enough to give this one 2 stars was for the sheer fact that homeboy Troy got killed and all the jokes were were able to make from Richard's turtle necks. Every scene this guy had a new turtle neck on which kept us cracking up. The funniest part was realizing these actors thought this was their big break. Not sure how much glory can come from a straight to video where the star is a man with no lines playing a wooden puppet. Well hope they won't be in the sequal which we'll be reviewing in the near future.
Click here for movie trailer: