Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Lone Wolf Mcquade: 4 out of 5 stars

You can't get blood out of a stone, but Chuck Norris can, Sept 30, 2008

Lone Wolf McQuade is a movie that has long been on Sid the Elf's "Movies we absolutely must review at some point" list. We knew the possibility for greatness existed because Chuck was involved and he was playing a loner rouge Texas Ranger. If that's not a recipe for success, Sid doesn't know what is. Upon learning that Chuck's co-star in the movie was David Caradine, our level of excitement went up a notch because we knew there would be some terrific B fight scene. So we finally took the oportunity to watch the flick that was a huge inspiration for Walker Texas Ranger. In fact, one-half Sid is seriously considering taking a cue from Ricky Bobby and naming one kid Lone Wolf and another McQuade. Also, to take things up a notch, we had Santa with us watching the flick, and it was so good that he stayed awake for almost the whole thing.

If there has ever been a better begining to a movie, Sid will eat his pointy elf hat. You have a group of Mexican bandits, or banditos, wreaking havoc and causing chaos on their horses even though the film is set in 1983. Anyway, the leader of the gang wore only a black vest, and he had no business not wearing a shirt. The film is set in sunny El Paso, Texas so thankfully, the gang leader's gold tooth glistened in the sun brilliantly. We cannot emphasize this enough, this guy looked like he smelled as bad as anyone has ever smelled. It ends up that these banditos kill a couple of state troopers, but the whole scene is being watched by J.J. McQuade(Norris) from the top of a hill. Obviously, a battle ensuses in which Chuck offs like 5 guys by haphazardly spraying bullets in their general direction while spinning around. Breathtaking. Later, Chuck's captain attemps to pair him up with a young but talented cop named Kayo. We said it even before Norris could, "Chuck works alone." Then we get a glimpse into McQuade's personal life. We see McQuade's shack and his pet wolf. The house is deplorable. It looks like a tornado hit it and the fridge is stocked with nothing but brew. Well done, Chuck. Then we get to see Norris take some target practice on homemade targets. Trust us, this was hilarious. He has an ex-wife and a daughter who is dating a swell guy who thinks McQuade is the tops. McQuades daughter and her boyfriend are not doing anything parked in a car atop a hill when they see an Army cargo convoy being hijacked. Somebody sees them and pushes the car down the hill, killing the boyfriend and injuring the daughter. Bad move, guys. Now McQuade is going to track you down and make you wish you were never born.

McQuade employs the help of Kayo and Federal agent Jackson, played by A.C. Green and his fro/mullett, to track down the hijackers who injured his daughter. McQuade's trail leads him to Rawley Wilkes(Caradine) and Lola Richardson, the woman Wilkes is trying to uncork. However, she takes one look at Chuck and says "Why have hamburger when you can have fillet mignon, I want Chuck and his excessive body hair. I want him to give me a light rash." We've seen that Chuck can kick butt like none other. Now we get to see Caradine put on a martial arts display at a county fair. And it was pretty good. You just know there's a showdown coming. McQuade meets up with Wilkes's sidekick, an elf. That's right, Wilkes's right hand man was a cunning wise-cracking motorized wheelchair-riding brethern of Sid himself. McQuade gets a bit of info about Wilkes' operations and decides to take him down. But, Wilkes is onto McQuade and decides to attack him first. He kidnaps McQuade's daughter and Lola and shoots McQuade's pet wolf. This sends McQuade into a frenzy and he goes with his two helpers to Wilkes's compound. For perhaps the only time in his life, Chuck gets a beatdown by Wilkes' henchmen. They put McQuade in his souped up SUV and bury him alive in the vehicle. McQuade regains consciousness and realizes the situation. Of course he floores the pedal and drives out of the dirt, what else did you expect?

So now it's time for the inevitable McQuade-Wilkes showdown. Lets look at the tale of the tape: McQuade just drove out of being buried alive and energized himslef with a beer, Wilkes just kidnapped two women and shot a pet wolf. Advantage McQuade. McQuade is wearing a sleeveless Army vest with no shirt unerneath, Wilkes is wearing a completely queer white Argyll sweater. Huge advantage McQuade. That's really all you need to know. After getting his butt kicked for a couple minutes, McQuade rallied and whooped Wilkes to a pulp. Chuck never has and never will lose a fight. That's the rule.

We couldn't imagine a better result from a spur of the moment choice to watch Lone Wolf McQuade. It has everything we could ask for. A Santa viewing with tons of borderline disturbing commentary absolutely not suitable for print, Norris and his obscene ammount of chest/shoulder hair, a hot chick, a great villain, a gang of banditos with a perfect leader, a crossbow, and most importantly an elf with a prominent role. The only reason this film got only 4 stars from us is the lag in the middle of the film. Despite this, we can't recomend this film strongly enough. It is an absolute must for Chuck fans, and for those who appreciate a true B Action

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