Saturday, September 6, 2008

Teeth: 4 out of 5 stars

Sex Ed from the darkside,
September 6, 2008

Usually during a horror flick the ladies are the ones to squirm but it is quite the contrary in our title feature "Teeth." This film is probably the most unique we've seen in ages. It explores the ancient myth of vagina dentata that was found in several ancient cultures. The way this myth goes is that certain woman have teeth in the vagina which will bite off the manhood of all suitors until a hero comes to conquer the inner beast, turning her into a normal woman. Yeah if your a guy this is by far the scariest horror concept ever created. We'd rather take on Michael Myers and any killer/creature out there instead of going to battle with vagina dentata. The film takes a modern day twist on the myth making it a very entertaining yet horrific experience.

The film starts off with a couple of young kids sitting in a swimming pool. Their parents will soon be married and they will become brother and sister despite the young boys crap attitude towards it. This kid is a total perv and shows the little girl captain winky which then is followed by him screaming. The parents come running out to find the young boys finger deeply sliced up and bleeding. Now we jump to the teenage years and the girl (Dawn) is the leader of a local chastity group. She speaks to kids telling them the importance of saving themselves for marriage. The step brother (Brad) on the other hand is even worse of a perv and now a total drug machine whose sole purpose in life is to nail Dawn, who is his stepsister. Yeah we're thinking this one took place in the midwest. As Dawn leads her group she winds up meeting a Hale Appleman who shares her same views of self preservation. They wind up hitting it off and decide to take a swim down at a local lake. As their swiming they start making out which sends Hale's harmones through the roof. This kid seems so backed up that he's about to explode at any minute, which he soon tries to. He winds up making a move on Dawn and gets shut down. After being shut down he decides it time for some raping and forces himself in her. Now ideally we were hoping Chris Hansen would come out of the cave and read him his computer transcript and then send him on his way to be tackled by a group of cops but instead we have something much worse. Hale enrages the beast within Dawn and gets his manhood chomped off in one of the most disturbing scenes ever.

Now Dawn is so freaked out that she does some research online finding out about the Dentata myth. She isn't sure if thats what she has and decides to go to the gyno for a check up. Sure enough she finds out she does have it once her vagin bites off four of the doctors fingers. Now the poor girl is really screwed up. She has been restraining herself from sex for years and now she founds out anything that goes near her gets ripped to shreds. She had to wonder if she was going to wind up like the 40 year old virgin. She doesn't know who to turn to and decided the only person she can trust is some d bag she knows from school. Once she's over his house he gets her loaded and gets it on with her vowing he will conquer the beast, and does. He gets through the sexy time and keeps his goods in tact. As they go for it again he answers the phone telling his friend he nailed her as part of the bet. Yeah he went for her as part of a bet seeing if he could uncork her. She gets furious and has unleashes the dentata on him taking half his genitals. Now that she realizes she can take charge of her curse she goes to payback her perv step brother by seducing him and biting his wang off too.

In the end she seems to realize it's not all that bad since she can get the ultimate revenge on any guy that tries to take advantage of her. It was definately an experience for us. The film wasn't scary but the idea of this actually happening is one horrific thought. This one definately comes with a decent recommendation from us promising it will be different from anything you've seen before.

Click here for movie trailer:

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