You probably wouldn't be able to tell from our stellar film reviews, but we, Sid the Elf, are huge--yoo-MUNGOUS football maniacs. So, we decided last Sunday watching the games that we needed to share our love for the game with you. And maybe we can help you win some cash or just beat your friends down with your supperior knowledge by spouting picks right before kickoff and looking like a genius by 4:00.
Now, are we qualified to make football picks? Probably not. But, there is only one person we can ever remember correctly predicting Jacksonville's monumental upset of the hated Denver Broncos in the 1996 playoffs. That was, of course, one-half of Sid the Elf. Enough said. We'll have two sets of picks, one for each of our personalities.
MIAMI at ARIZONA
Last week, the Cards got a 23-13 win at San Fransisco. Wow. Impressive. Anytime you go into J.T. O'Sullivan's house and come away with a W it's going to gain you a lot of respect. Maybe that's why the Cardinals are 6 1/2 point favorites over the Dolphins, who almost beat the Jets last week despite Chaddangalo Pennington's best efforts. The Phins looked far better than the 1-15 team we saw last year especially after Chad stopped throwing Santaballs straight into the ground a good 5 yards in front of his recievers. We really like Miami in this game and love them to cover the 6 1/2 mainly because the Dolphins are used to the South Beach nightlife so they will all probably be bored to tears and get a wonderful night sleep Saturday night in Glendale, Arizona.
CHICAGO at CAROLINA
This might be this week's best "show me something" game. Is Carolina really as good as they looked last week, beating the Chargers? And are Da Bears as good as they looked against Indy? While the Panthers squeeked by San Diego on that Delhomme last second TD pass, the Bears throttled the Colts to the point that Peyton Manning's discarded Bursa Sac was crying. Still, we like the Panthers here. The Bears were going up against a dilapidated Colt's offensive line and Manning's movement in the pocket reminded Sid of the old Dan Marino joke. You know the one, "Man, if they let Dan play on one of those Segways, he'd still be chucking ropes out there." So, we think that the Panthers are a little more for real, and they're only giving 3 at home. You know where it's going.
TENNESSEE at CINCINNATI
We have to label this one The Crazy Bowl with Ocho Cinco vs. The Suddenly Insane Vince Young eventhough VY is out. The Titans D looked amazing last week while the Bengals were unable to put one in the end zone. Not a good mixture. We like the Titans getting 1 even on the road.
GREEN BAY at DETROIT
There is no doubt that Aaron Rodgers passed Monday Night's test with flying colors. He will never be Brett Favre, but it looked like he knew how to manage the game and is able to make all the throws(especially that deep ball to Jennings). He might, however, not have to throw the ball much if Ryan Grant's hamstring is healthy against a Lion's defense that gave up over 300 yards rushing to Atlanta. The Pack is giving 3 on the road and that's just fine with us. We like Pack football in this one.
INDIANAPOLIS at MINNESOTA
The Colts looked awful on Sunday night. They couldn't protect Peyton, who looked lost. But Archie could probably put on some pads and be better than Tavaris Jackson right now. Do the Colts start the season 0-2? I'd have to say probably not, unless Superman Peterson is feeling it. Then, hide the women and children. So Indy probably puts everybody but Tom Moore in the box. The Colts barely cover the 2 they're giving the Vikings in Minnesota.
BUFFALO at JACKSONVILLE
The Jag's O looked really bad against the Titans in week 1 and the Bills D looked great. But that was against Matt Hasselbeck's bulging discs and the guy they pulled out of the stands for $50 to play receiver. Can you trust Trent Edwards to win on the road against a still respectable Jags D? I wouldn't, so I'm saying Jacksonville laying the 5 1/2.
OAKLAND at KANSAS CITY
Ok, to all 10 people that care about this game: remember when this was a badass AFC West showdown? Now--not. JaMarcus Russell vs. Damon Huard is not exactly a marquee matchup. The Raiders gave Denver a fifth preseason game last week while KC couldn't score on four chances from the 5 against a shell-shocked Pats team. The Chiefs are favored by 3 1/2, but that shouls probably be the over/under for the game. I say it ends in a 2-2 tie. So I guess--KC.
NEW ENGLAND at NY JETS
This one is The Morality Bowl. There are 2 enormous moral dilemas surrounding this one. First, if you were/are a huge Packers fan is it ok to jump ship to the Jets because of Brett Favre? If you ask Santa, who has a truly unhealthy, creepy Favre obsession; he'd say it's just fine to back the previously despised Jets with roughly 14:30 left in the first quarter of their first preseason game after seeing Brett throw his first pass as part of Gang Gay. But a sane person would say that while it's ok to hope Favre doesn't embarress himself and has a good year, you don't turn your back on your team. So bad job by Santa there and anyone like him, if that's humanly possible. Onto the biggie: Is it ok to be happy that Tom Brady got hurt? Let's test you: Will you be happy to see Randy Moss give up in a few weeks and cause Bill Belicheck to have a heart attack on the sidelines? Will you be happy if Belicheck slips and throws a racial slur Moss's way during a press conference? Will you be happy to not see countless "Tom Brady: God's gift to the world" puff pieces during the playoffs? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you are happy to see Tom Brady injured. Oh I almost forgot an important one: Did you and a buddy litterelly high-five when the game break came on in which they showed the Brady injury? If you did that, you're definately happy. On to the actual game: Favre vs. Casell. The whole spygate crap between these teams. And the wild-card, the Jets secondary. They looked great last week and I think they can actually contain Moss enough. I like Favre in his Jets home opener just enough to take Gang Gay-1 1/2.
NY GIANTS at ST. LOUIS
The G-men did not impress in the season opener. But, the Rams litterally looked like a high school team. As much as I hate the Giants, they are still getting no respect and I see Eli to Plax being a recurring theme in this one. I'm taking the B-men giving 8 1/2.
PITTSBURGH at CLEVELAND
This is the Sunday Night game this week. Everyone seems to have given up on the Browns after one week. This includes the oddsmakers who have them as a 6 point underdog at home. I think the Steelers are as good as they appeared to be last week, but I'm just feeling the Browns for some reason. Probably not a good sign for them. I'm taking Cleveland -6.
SAN DIEGO at DENVER
This is another "Show Me Something Game." Denver whooped up on Oaktown, and the Chargers lost that heartbreaker to Carolina. After last week and how the Chargers limped out of the gate last year, I can't see how they're favored by 1 1/2 on the road against Denver. I like Denver with the points and outright.
SAN FRANSISCO at SEATTLE
The Niners are bad, really bad. And the Seahawks are in bad shape, too. The Seahawks' top four receivers are out. Therefore they need help, big time. Indulge me for a minute and picture this hilarious scene: Mike Holmgren making his way to Jamaica to try to lure Usain Bolt to Seattle to try to play WR. How long before he gets robbed? 30 seconds? Seattle is giving 7 at home, but I like the Niners here. Frank Gore is the best player on the field, I'll go with him.
ATLANTA at TAMPA BAY
Are the Falcons good? They put up 300+ rushing yards last week. But, the Bucs' legendary D-coordinator Monte Kiffin will throw about a kajilion different looks at Matt Ryan this week. Plus, it looks as if Brian Greese is aiming to start another QB controversy with his opportunity to start this game. I like Tampa at home giving 7.
NEW ORLEANS at WASHINGTON
This game is a pick 'em after the Saints nice win over Tampa last week and the Skins looking flaccid against the G-men. I think Reggie Bush has another big game with a lot more touches this week due to the Marques Colston injury. I like the Saints in a big way.
PHILADELPHIA at DALLAS
Nice Monday Night game. T.O. vs. McNabb. All that trash. Both teams looked ridiculously ready for prime time last week. Dallas is dangerous with all those weapons and McNabb did some amazing things with his no name receivers. I like Dallas for the win, but Philly for the cover. Close, really good game here.
BALTIMORE at HOUSTON
This is another Monday Nighter because Hurricane Ike pushed it from Sunday. For some reason, I like Baltimore. I think Joe "Shane" Flacco might be pretty good. That combined with the Texans looking inept at best last week, makes me think the Ravens with the all-time best Pat nickname "Crazy Ray" take this one as 4 1/2 point dogs.
That's all for me, but I suck at this. Look for the Ace Rothstein side of Sid's picks if you really want an idea of what's going to happen this weekend. That's the side with the famous '96 playoff pick and last week's Bears-Colts upset. If we didn't hate Chris Berman so much, I'd make some sort of Swam referance. But the only time we talk about him, it's to make fun of his secret orgies with Bellicheck, Parcells, and a gaggle of hookers