Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Fear: 2 out of 5 stars

Morty Seinfeld, he's a bum, Sept 30, 2008

As October rapidly approaches it seems a no brainer to continue on the path of b horror, which we and so many others love. This week's film The Fear has been on our radar for quite some time but hasn't been acted upon until we recently purchased it as part of a four pack for $9. So that means this one individually cost $2.25 which still may be a bit too steep. Roughly 12 years ago was the first time we saw the film and couldn't recall much except for how bad it was. Now you may ask, if it's so bad why would you want to watch it again? The logic behind that is when we first saw the film we were kids looking to be legitimately scared. Now instead of looking for scares we seek laughter from the horrible acting and confusing plots. Thats the art of b and the reason we label these films as "unintentional comedies." Under these guidelines you can extract good out of the worst movies ever made providing a very enjoyable viewing experience. The Fear had to fall into this category or couldn't be viewed without slipping into a coma.

The film starts off with psychology student Richard (Eddie Bowz) who has these recurring nightmares from his childhood, but can't seem to figure out their meaning or why they scare him so much. In these dreams he's walking around in the woods where he see's two masked men burying somebody. With this constantly on his mind he decides he'd like to spice up his thesis by running an experiment on a group of people to make them face their darkest fears at his remote childhood cabin in the middle of the woods. He presents this idea to his professor Dr. Arnold (Wes Craven) who approves of the experiment and arranges the weekend trip. Now Richard, who looks like his life ambition was to land a spot on Melrose Place, rounds up this group consisting of his girlfriend Ashley, his friend (Troy) who is under the impression he's black despite his white exterior, Troy's sister Leslie, an actual black guy, and two other forgettable characters. They all hit the road and make their way to the cabin except for Dr. Arnold (Craven), who runs off the movie set screaming I'm a millionare why the hell did I show up for this.

Upon arrival at the cabin we get introduced to our favorite character Uncle Pete who is drunk out of his mind and dressed up like Santa Claus. It seems that Uncle Pete, who owns a tourist Christmas village, still lives where fruity Richard grew up and just happened to drop by this abandoned cabin at the same time his nephew was there. Now you'd think Richard would be happy to see the jolly Uncle Pete but it's quite the contrary. He tells Pete and his slutty young girlfriend they have to beat it because he has to run a very serious yet very b experiment. After Pete and his grilfriend pleed to stay he figures they can be used in the experiment also. Once they get inside the cabin Richard whips out his old friend Morty, who is a large wooden dummy we assume he did some questionable things with. They try to play some creepy music to set the mood but it does nothing. He explains to start the experiment Morty will be placed in a chair and each person will sit in front of the wooden dummy and give an account of their worst fears. Yeah it's much more hilarious when you're watching it. As each person goes the film hits new hieghts of boredom. You sit through this group of losers talk about their fears like they're on Dr. Phil's show in hopes Morty will get up and start knocking everyone off, especially Troy. Out of all the fears non were more pathetic then the homeboy Troy's. We were hoping he would say his biggest fear is coming to terms with the fact that he's white but instead he says bees. Bees, are you kidding? What are you a four year old? No wonder this movie cost less then a large coffee.

As we painfully continue the film turns into a soap opera where everyone exposes their inmost fears. The strangest part came a few minutes later when Troy's sister stepped up to the plate. Apparently she left Troy when he was young which seems to hurt yet turn him on because later he tries to make out with her. It was almost a love scene which was a bit more then uneasy to watch. We didn't know what the hell was going on and would never find out because the situation was never explained. There was just this strange sexual tension between the two. Finally after about a 30 minute stretch of nothing Morty comes to life. Hilarious! We came to the conclusion the he looked like Robin Williams in Bicentenial Man. That was the ongoing joke that kept us going. Once they realize he's allive it turns into somewhat of a slaher film only much more b. He chases them around Uncle Petes tourist village called Santas playhouse, lawsuit is pending, and picks off some of the group. One by one each peson gets it as they run aimlessly through the woods by the cabin. As Richard tries to escape he runs in the cabin and finds uncle Pete drunk again. They start fighting and Pete reveals the secret to why Richard's afraid of Morty. It's because when Richard was young he caught his mom cheating on his dad and ratted her out. Then Dad and Uncle Pete wacked her and buried her in the woods telling him if he ever told anyone then Morty would kill him. Somehow Richard forgot all about his tramatic childhood and now understands the nightmares. So gay! After this Richards confronts Morty to tell him he's no longer afriad. Morty's only response is to freeze up then turn around and walk into the lake. Why the lake? We have no idea. They wrap up this mess by showing a soccer ball rolling down a hill with a kid chasing it. The ball stops at the feet of our wooden friend Morty who apparently got done swimming and wanted to take a stroll through the woods. The kid stops and stares at Morty as he gently kicks the ball to him. It appears Morty changed his murderous puppet ways and will possible get a job working at the local ihop.

All in all this one was still pretty much as bad as we remembered. It was so far from scary but that wasn't our intent anyway. We were looking to Morty for some hilarious b but didn't even get that. The only reason we were generous enough to give this one 2 stars was for the sheer fact that homeboy Troy got killed and all the jokes were were able to make from Richard's turtle necks. Every scene this guy had a new turtle neck on which kept us cracking up. The funniest part was realizing these actors thought this was their big break. Not sure how much glory can come from a straight to video where the star is a man with no lines playing a wooden puppet. Well hope they won't be in the sequal which we'll be reviewing in the near future.

Click here for movie trailer:

Monday, September 29, 2008

Deep from inside the Vault

Every now and then we decide to give the world a peek into some of our favorite past times. Usually they consist of cool clips, funny stories, or something hilarious to us which most may not understand. This clip is something that everyone can enjoy. It's from Tales From the Darkside which was a huge favorite during our childhood. This episode is called "Inside the Closet" or the loli pop monster if you're Santa.

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pEQSxV4aLA
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmrCYqmU6Vc&feature=related
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO0y4sV_b1I&feature=related

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Week 4 M Picks

One half- Sid had a wonderful week last week, and the other one suffered miserably. With our respective teams, that is. We are both still rocking out the picks and are in a tight race with a difference of just one win. And away we go.

Buffalo (-8) at St. Louis

The Bills are one of the two biggest surprise teams of the young season along with the Titans, but they barely squeeked by an atrocious, dysfunctional Raiders team last week. The oddsmakers have the Bills favored by 8 mainly because the Rams offense is shallow and pedantic. They reached the opponents' red zone for the first time this season in the 4th quarter of last week's game. Pretty pathetic. So what do the Rams do? Bench one of their only players on offense worth anything, Marc Bulger, in favor of Trent "Scrambled Eggs" Green. Green is following the longtime Sid the Elf belief that if you end up on the same team you started with after multiple stops in between, you're undeniably B. With that said, I'm taking the Bills giving 8.

Atlanta (+7) at Carolina

These are two teams that are very tough to read so far. They're both 2-1. The Falcons have beat up on the league's weakest teams, K.C., and the Lions. The Panthers started out 2-0 against good teams(Chi. and Denver) before crapping the bed against the Vikings, or the V-men as I like to call them, last week. I like the Panthers to get the W here, but not to cover the 7.

Philadelphia (-3) at Chicago

I'm prepared for anything in this game. I can see a close old-school tough game. And I can also see McNabb, playing in his home town, zipping passes all over the field and pulling his it's going to take 8 guys to bring me down routine. The funniest scenario i can envision is Kyle Orton getting sacked like 6 times and throwing 3 picks in the first quarter. Then Orton goes over to the sideline and hands the QB duties over tho Rex Grossman in a "you're all right, LaRusso" moment and walks off to begin his lumberjacking carreer. So, yeah, Eagles.

Cleveland(+3 1/2) at Cincinnati

I loved the fight the Bengals showed last week. The Browns haven't shown anything since last year, and now they have a QB controversy, exemplified by the fact that Romeo Crennell named his starter the starter. Makes sense, right? Anyway, I like the Bengals giving the points in this one.

Washington (+11) at Dallas

The Cowboys looked absolutely unstoppable in Green Bay last Sunday. They ran through one of the league's better defenses like they were playing "rookie" Madden with LT as the RB. The Pack decided to shut down the homoerotic Tony Homo-to- T.O. combo, and let everyone else beat them. Well, they shut down Ace and Gary, and everyone else didn't just beat them, they destroyed them. Miles freakin Austin from Monmouth(not exactly a football powerhouse about 30 min. from the North Pole) had 2 HUGE catches. And Marian the Barbarian didn't have a run for less than 4 all night, or so it seemed. Then, as a change of pace, they bring in Felix Jones and his "running from the cops" world-class speed and he pops off a 60 yard TD run. Basically, the Boys are really really good. If they don't win it all this year, it will be because of an injury or a coaching blunder by Jigglers Phillips. Needless to say, I like them to win this week. But not by 11. Washington is a good team, and division rivalries are always tricky and usually close games.

Denver (-9) at Kansas City

The line could be 49 and I'd probably still bet the Broncos, so yeah I'm taking the Cutler Crew.

Houston (+7 1/2) at Jacksonville

The Jags finally got a W last week at Indy. Big win, they needed it. Houston stinks, but we knew that. I like the Jags in a big way in this one.

San Fransisco (+5 1/2) at New Orleans

The Saints have had a tough schedule so far and they're 1-2. But, I like they way they handle themselves. They lost heartbreakers to Denver and the Redskins. The Niners are 2-1, but have yet to play a decent team unless you buy the Cardinals as a decent team. I like the Saints and the points.

Arizona (-1 1/2) at NY Jets

The Jets looked like an Arena team Monday Night in San Diego, seriously. Brett Favre should have had about 32 picks in the first half alone. He has zero chemistry with his receivers. It's sad to watch. But I can't believe the Cards are good, I just can't. I like the Jets as home dogs Sunday.

San Diego (-7 1/2) at Oakland

Are the Chargers back on track? Well, I think so. But I'm pretty sure San Diego State would be favored by a TD against the Raiders. Chargers big.

Green Bay (+1) at Tampa Bay

The Bucs got a big W in Chicago last week. The Pack--good Lord. They gave me a stroke at least 5 different times on Sunday Night so I don't even know what to make of them at this point. The D was as bad as I've seen from them in 2 years. They got manhandled. And they lost 3--yeah 3--starters in the secondary in the Dallas game. The only starter to finish last week's game was Charles Woodson, playing on a broken toe. He litterally limped out of the huddle to cover T.O.--and they insisted on showing it at least once a series. I can't speak for other Packer fans, but I thought that was a great feeling, seeing your corner limp over to cover the best receiver in the league. Especially when your team plays a ton of man coverage. Needless to say, I haven't quite gotten over last Sunday Night yet. And the Pack might not either. Al Harris ruptured his spleen coliding with A.J. Hawk against Dallas. He might be out for the year. Unless someone, like Tramon Williams, can step up HUGE the Pack is in trouble. Maybe they'll be ok. For the sake of my sanity, I'm going with the Pack.

Minnesota (+3) at Tennessee

Two great defenses, two not so great offenses. These appear to be pretty equal teams, except for the fact that the Titans are able to just win games when they're not playing particularly well. These are the teams you want to ride. I'm going Titans.

Baltimore (+5 1/2) at Pittsburgh

Did anyone see what the Eagles D did to the Steelers last week? Not pretty. And has anyone heard how the Raven D is rejuvinated as the've allowed 10 points in both their games so far? You know where it's going. I'm taking the Ravens.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

NFL WEEK 4 J picks

Week 4 in the NFL is approaching fast while the season begins to get more interesting. Unlike years before, the teams who dominated are at the bottom of the barrel while teams like Buffalo & the Ravens are on the rise. This weeks pics seemed pretty simple but we'll see what happens.

Minnesota (1-2) @ Tennessee (3-0)

Home against the Tennessee defense is not somewhere the Vikings are going to want to be. Titans Win

San Francisco (2-1) @ New Orleans (1-2)

San Fran has looked pretty impressive but the Saints at home are in no way going to drop to 1-3. They need this game and will take it. Saints Win

Green Bay (2-1) @ Tampa Bay (2-1)

After a really rough week 3 the Pack heads into Tampa to play the Bucs at home. The news of Al Harris going down for the year is a definate worry for the defense but I still think theres enough talent there to stop the Bucs. Pack Wins

Houston (1-2) @ Jacksonville (1-2)

Two 1-2 teams but nowhere near the same. I have a strange feeling that Houston may pull this one out but I'm not confident enough to pick against the Jags at home. Jaguars Win

San Diego (1-2) @ Oakland (1-2)

After last weeks destruction of the Jets the Chargers looked back to normal. This week they take out Oakland no problemo. Chargers Win

Washington (2-1) @ Dallas (3-0)

Yeah...Dallas Wins, BIG

Denver(3-0) @ Kansas City (0-3)

The way Denver is rolling they should have an easy week in Kansas City. Cheifs fall to 0-4. Broncos Win

Arizona (2-1) @ Jets (1-2)

Both teams took a pretty good beating last week but the Jets are more dejected over the loss. This will be the battle of the retirement home quarterbacks with Warner taking home the W. Jets eat it, Cardinals Win.

Atlanta (2-1) @ Carolina (2-1)

Atlanta comes into Carolina off a nice win while the Panthers came off a rough loss. It will be a close game but the Carolina should get the W, but won't cover the +5 spread. Panthers Win

Cleveland (0-3) @ Cincinnati (0-3)

This game should be decent since both teams are so horrible. I think the lesser of the 2 is Cincinnati. After seeing the look on Palmer's face after last weeks hard loss there isn't much good to come for the Bengals. Browns Win

Buffalo (3-0) @ St. Louis (0-3)

Red hot Buffalo heads to cold as ice St Louis. This week will be no different. Bills Win

Philadelphia (2-1) @ Chicag0 (1-2)

The Way Philadelphia is looking theres no way Chicago wins. Eagles Win

Baltimore (2-0) @ Pittsburg (2-1)

Pittsburg's offense was dominated by the Eagles D last week. Now they face off against the amped up Ravens while Willie Parker is out. Now Crazy Ray can focus more on Roethlisberger who already isn't 100 %/ Ravens Win

Monday, September 22, 2008

PUMPKINHEAD 5.0 out of 5 stars

The leading cause of death among hillbillies: not heart disease or cancer, but Cityfolk, September 22, 2008

We went back to the B well once again this week with 1988's Pumpkinhead. The film was actually completed in 1987, putting it right in the middle of the Golden Era of horror B. We vaugely remember this one from our youth, and upon learning that it's original production company went belly-up before the film's release, we were absolutely excited about the project. We reviewed the sequel, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, a few weeks ago. While the sequel failed miserably as a legitimate horror flick, it excelled in the world of unintentional comedy that Sid appreciates so much. So going into the Pumpkinhead viewing, we were hopeful that the movie would be good enough to satisfy a horror jones, and bad enough to satisfy an unquenchable B/unintentional comedy jones. This is not an easy task, but Pumpkinhead delivered.

The movie starts off with a farmer/country store owner named Ed Harley being a doting dad to his young son, Billy, who is a dead ringer for the the kid in Jerry Maguire. Later, the father and son go to their store for their day's work. Some young hotshots from the city(cityfolk) stop at the store on their way to a Crystal Lake ripoff for the weekend. At the same time, a hick family consisting of a middle-aged man named Mr. Wallace and his 85 kids and grandkids stop at the store as well. Ed Harley forgets to bring Mr. Wallace's feed to the store from home, so he has to go back to the house and leaves his 7 year old in charge of the store with a bunch of rednecks and rowdy 20-somethings roaming around. Great judgment there. For some reason, the out-of-towners decide to ride the hills near the store on their dirt bikes. The noise sends the Harleys' dog chasing after the bikes in a frenzy, with the kid following. Naturally, the kid gets killed after being barely brushed by a dirt bike. The dirt bikers flee the scene immediately. You could see that coming from a mile away. Ed is obviously crushed by the loss of his son and he wants revenge and his boy back. So he attempts to employ the help of an old nearby witch via Mr. Wallace. Upon seeing the dead boy in Ed's truck, Mr. Wallace asks, "What killed him?" To this, Ed replied, naturally, "Cityfolk." Just priceless. One of the highlights of the film, really.

Ed Harley is eventually brought to the witch by a Wallace kid. She takes some blood from Billy and Ed and instructs Ed to dig up a body buried in a pumpkin patch. Ed brings the body back to the witch and she does some black magic, midnight, evil stuff. The result is Pumpkinhead. Even though the rest of the film is shot, like a true B horror, in daylight through a blue filter to make it look like nighttime, they did a great job with the Pumpkinhead creature. This thing was awesome looking, especially for more than 20 years ago. Pumpkinhead is a 10 foot tall skelaton with a tail and wing-like appendages. He also has a dinosaur shaped huge head. In short, if you saw this thing coming at you, you'd probably pee on yourself in hopes he would pass you by.

Pumpkinhead is set in motion by the witch to exact revenge on the cityfolk for Billy Harley's death. If you don't get in Pumpkinhead's way, you're all right. If you do decide to get in his way or attempt to help one of his potential victims--not good times. Bad times. He'll probably kill you in a really cool way, like when he ran the Fonz through with the barrell of the shotgun. Even if it was obviously a rubber prop shotgun, it was still awesome. Everytime Pumpkinhead rubbed someone out, Ed Harley would feel it. In fact, Pumpkinhead started to look like Ed as the film wore on and the killings piled up. Sid is going to give the ending away, so beware. At the end of the film, Ed had no hope of his son being brought back and he wanted the Pumpkinhead reign of terror to stop. So, he instructed one of the female cityfolk kill him after realizing that this will also kill Pumpkinhead. What he wasn't banking on, however, was that he would be burried in place of the old Pumpkinhead. So, this means that he would be the next incarnation of the terrifying creature. Personally, Sid thinks that's pretty cool.

Pumpkinhead was your typical 80's horror flick. It was part creature film rip-off, part Friday the 13th ripoff. In fact, the house that the kids stayed in was the same one used for Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Maybe we will review that one at some point. But, meanwhile, Pumpkinhead was a huge winner by our calculations. It had enough real horror elements(awesome creature, people you wanted to get iced getting iced in cool ways, sweet concept) to keep you interested, but enough unintentional comedy(the cityfolk line, the hicks, awful acting, poor quality) to keep you laughing. This one is highly recomended by us, Sid the Elf, it's right up our alley. Pick it up and enjoy, but be careful of those Cityfolk.

Shut up your face

Bend over Mike Vrabel I brought your favorite toy!

This segment goes out to one of the biggest dirtbag players in the NFL, Rodney Harrison. This guy has mounted up so many dirty plays over his career and has the balls to say "theres no place in the game" for the block Rick Williams put on Rodney's boy toy Mike Vrabel. Hey Rodney just give in to the fact that you guys can't win without Brady. You can't blame everyone for the fact that Brady made every player on that team look like a star. The fact that he'd make this comment is what's so hilarious. Can you imagine all the dirty things Harrison and Vrabel have done to each other in the shower while Bill came in with spark plugs and a blown tourch? Please guys just realize you suck without Brady and get ready for the downward spiral to get worse.

Mulberry Street: 3 out of 5 stars

Rat zombies take control of NYC. Sure, why not?, September 22, 2008

For the second year in a row we have been graced with the After Dark Horrofest. Well saying "graced" my be a bit overboard considering almost every film developed under this festival has been a disaster to sub par at best. We love the horror genre and encourage the whole indi film movement but there has to be some substence to what we're watching or why bother? Short on budget doesn't mean it has to suck. All it means is you have to rely less on killer effects and dish up a good story with some realistic chills. Mulbery Street actually succeeds in this way to an extent. Not so much scary but the concept definately has a chill factor. Who wouldn't get scared by being preyed upon by rat zombies in a tenament home?

Our story takes place in a New York City tenament home where 6 seperate residents are dealing with the fact that their complex will be demolished due to an urban renewal. One great aspect of the film is the believability of these characters. It's not a bunch of young kids aimlessly running around getting picked off as in the typical horror flicks of today. It's actual real people living their everyday lives. The main character is a former boxer and his close friend who are awaiting the boxers daughters return from Iraq. Then there are a couple of guys who live on the upper floor, one being an elderly man who needs an oxygen tank to survive, and a single mother and her son. So you start to actually care for the characters instead of routing for them to vanish. As they all go about their day the super is trying to get the water to work in the boiler room. While working he's bitten on the arm by a rat. Within minutes he begins to have strange symptoms. He goes upstairs to rest and starts to see hair growing on his ears.

The more time that goes by the worse he starts getting and it becomes obvious to everyone that something strange is going on. The news continues to report rat attacks throughout the city. Roughly every five minutes new breaking news appears stating the rat attacks are becoming so frequent they must suspend all subway service and want everyone to remain inside. What they don't know is that these rats are passing some strange virus around which are turning the infected into rat like zombie creatures. It's a lot like 28 Days Later but with a different storyline. From here on out you follow each tenant as they work together to save themselves from the rat zombies. It does become intense at times and overall is an enjoyable and creepy film. The use of atmosphere is key in this one. They really did a great job driving home the chills in that way. The camera lighting is very dim and you get a very claustrophobic feeling while inside the cramped apartments.

Overall the film was good with some flaws. But why be so cridical on an independent film. Considering the small budget they did a great job. The focus on atmosphere was awesome and the acting was really good. A couple cool facts about Mulberry Street is how they had to shoot essential footage in the middle of the crowded streets of Manhattan without any official permission to film there, and how all the actors in this film are friends or in some way related to the director, so none of them received any payments. Not bad when you factor all that in. So if you're looking for a great film you won't find it in Mulberry Street. But if you go into it expecting an above average indi flick you will really like it. It's definately worth checking out.

Click here for movie trailer:

Sunday, September 21, 2008

B Clip of the Century: Seagals music Video

This is one of the funniest things you may ever get to see. We have Steven "Panda Bear" Seagal taking up his other career move. Instead of snapping necks and crab legs he is making that sweet baby making music. HILARIOUS! He is as fat as ever and looks like he just walked off the set of To Catch a Predator. Enjoy.


Sad News

Earlier this week during our viewing of Pumpkinhead we were informed that our beloved Pathmark was gone forever. This may sound absolutely ridiculous to most people but this hits home a bit to us. It's not the actual store itself that we cared for, it was the memories it held for us. Who could forget times like Death Ring in the $3.99 bin? Santa pretending to put the nickle in for 4 handfuls of candy? And the Fritter that resembled a rabbit? This place was the spot we hit late for the Ramada trips and all our post ball games. It's sad for us but luckily we've got so many other places that hold so many memories and there will be many more to make.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Week 3 NFL Picks

It's week 3 in the National Football League. Sorry, I'm tapped into my inner Chris Berman. Now, these are quick picks because I have to meet Belicheck and some $10 hookers and I still have to stop home for my branding iron.

Kansas City ay Atlanta
Will anyone outside of the players' family watch this one? It has the makings of an awful game. The Falcons are favored by 5 1/2 at home, and I'm going with them since, you know, they have the only win between these teams this year and their coach isn't scouring careerbuilder on the sidelines.

Cleveland at Baltimore
Strange game here because the Ravens had the week off due to Hurricane Ike. I like the Browns here +2 1/2 to avoid going 0-3. They showed a little fight last week against the Steelers and might have been able to do a little better if not for their coach. Why did Romeo decide to kick that field goal down a TD? It's like he was openly going for the cover.

Oakland at Buffalo
I have to assume Buffalo is for real after their wins over Seattle and Jacksonville. The Raiders would be 0-2 if they didn't play the North Pole High Pink Turkey Basters(K.C. Cheifs) last week. I don't know why I like the Raiders for anything except a top-3 pick next April, but I like Buffalo for the win, and Oakland for the cover +9 1/2.

Tampa Bay at Chicago
This is a tough game to call. I can't stand da Bears, but they look like the Good Bears. You know what I mean, they're running the ball well, playing good defense, and getting special teams TD's like that blocked punt last week. When they're playing like that, the QB just has to play within a TD or so of the opponent and not screw up. That sounds like Kyle Orton's resume. Then they have the Bad Bears when they have no running game (Cedric Benson) and their QB is throwing picks left and right(Rex Grossman). They seem to flip-flop like this year to year. On the flip side, the Bucs are very close to being 2-0 even with Jack Daniels Greise at the helm last week. I like them getting the W in Chitown this week.

Dallas at Green Bay
This is a biggie. The Cowboys in Lambeau on Sunday night. The good news is we get to find out if the Pack is a contender. The bad news? I'm deathly afraid to find out they're not by way of a 38-10 whooping from Tony Homo and Co. Hopefully, the Dallas D is as bad as it was Monday Night and the short week, going on the road, with Aaron Rodgers's confidence high from the last two weeks, the Pack can pull this one out. Right? Come on, it's possible. I'm going with the team closest to the North Pole, the Packers.

New Orleans at Denver
Denver is coming off a huge win against the Chargers, even if it was gift wrapped by the zebras and solidified by Grapefruits Shannahan's decision to go for 2 and the win. The Saints lost a heartbreaker to Washington last week. I think the line is a little too high with the Broncos giving 5 1/2. I'll take the Broncos for the win, the Saints for the cover.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
This looked like an awesome week 3 showdown for AFC South supremesy until both teams stumbled out of the gate. Neither look like the teams we expected before the season, with the exception of the Colts' 4th quarter last week. I see a close game here with the Jags winning to avoid going 0-3.
Carolina at Minnesota

What have the Vikings done to show that they're worthy of being favored, even at home, against a 2-0 team? Is it the QB switch? Is Gus Ferrote going to make this team that much better than Tavaris Jackson? I'm guessing no. It's Gus Ferrote! Carolina wins this one.

Miami at New England
Ok, so I was wrong with both of these teams last week. The Pats looked ok, and the Phins didn't. Still, a 12 1/2 spread seems way too high for this one. I'm going with the Dolphins. Added bonus to this one is the Joey Porter-Rodney Harrison verbal slapping-match should give the game a little added intensity.

Cincinnati at NY Giants
The Bungles are back! It just doesn't seem right when the Bengals are even decent, thankfully we don't have to deal with that this year. The G-men beat up on a weak Rams team last week, and they'll do the same against an equally terrible opponent this week. Giants -13 1/2

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
This one is actually quite a rivalry, even though they don't play often. The Eagles looked much more impressive in defeat than the Steelers looked in victory last week. But, the Steelers D matches up really well with the Eagles. Don't expect them to hang 37 on Pittsburgh. I like the Steelers in a close, low-scoring game.

Detroit at San Fransisco
Another Toilet Bowl here. Jon Kitna vs. J.T. O'Sullivan has a distinctly NFL Europe feel to it. I like Frank Gore a lot and the Lions are probably disspirited by their failed comeback against the Pack last week. Did I mention the 3 picks Kitna threw in 6 minutes of that one? Doesn't really evoke a lot of confidence in the Lions.

St. Louis at Seattle
Yet another awful game this week. The Rams are terrible and I'm flying out to Seattle in a few hours to start at WR. The Seahawks still put 30 up last week, so I'm taking them -9 1/2.

Houston at Tennessee
It's a sad day when your starting QB goes down and you have to play your back-up, but you're happy because the back-up just used to have a drinking and racial slur problem instead of being fully insane and talking about suicide. Good times with the Titans. So, naturally i like Tennessee giving 5.

Arizona at Washington
Has Arizona impressed with wins over Miami and San Fran? They might win their division with 9 wins, true. But, Washington had a good win last week against the Saints. I like the Skins in a shootout.

NY Jets at San Diego
The Chargers are favored by 9 in this one because no one can imagine them going 0-3. Will they be fired up or deflated by last week's officiating debacle? Santa's Dreamweaver, Brett Favre, has never lost to the Chargers. I actually think the Chargers come out flat Monday Night and drop this one to Santa's Squad, the Jets.

J Picks for Week 3

Kansas City (0-2) @ Atlanta (1-1)

The Chiefs being down 0-2 desperately need a win. Unfortunately I don't see it happening against Atlanta at home. Falcons Win

Oakland (1-1) @ Buffalo (2-0)

This week Oakland go up against the Bills who are on fire. This one won't even be close in Buffalo. Bills Win

Tamba Bay (1-1) @ Chicago (1-1)

This one should be a fun game. We have division rivals both at 1-1 but I like Chicago at home. Bears Win

Houston (0-1) @ Tenn (2-0)

Despite the phsychotic antics of Vince Young the Titans look really good. Houston won't even be a match. Titans Win

Carolina (2-0) @ Minnesota (0-2)

Carolina looks strong while the Vikings are way better then their record shows. This week they get their first win at home. Vikings Win

Miami (0-2) @ New England (2-0)

Pennington has nobody to throw the ball to which means it's going to rely all on the run. Unfortunately against New Englands D that won't get the job done, especially at home. Gayblade Patriots Win

Cincinnati (0-2) @ NY Giants (2-0)

Cincinnati is a complete joke this year. The Giants are going to roll over them at home. Giants Win

Arizona (2-0) @ Washington (1-1)

Arizona looks the best they ever have. Washington looked pretty damn good last week but will fall short against the Cards. Cardinals Win

Detroit (0-2) @ San Fran (1-1)

Looks like the predictions about detroit were completely off. They look so weak but I'm feeling a breakout game this week. It's a big gamble but I say they win in San Fran. Lions Win

St Louis (0-2) @ Seattle (0-2)

What a joke this Game will be. 2 equally b teams but Seattle has an edge at home. Seahawks Win

New Orleans (1-1) @ Denver (2-0)

Denver is too strong for New Orleans this week at home. Broncos Win

Pittsburg (2-0) @ Philadelphia (1-1)

Philadelphia showed us one hell of a game against Dallas. They're going to win big at home against the Steelers. Eagles Win

Jacksonville (0-2) @ Indianapolis (1-1)

I don't know whats goin on with the Colts this week. Peyton looks like it's his first year out there. I think Jacksonville's D will be too strong for Peyton. It's a risky call but Jacksonville Wins.

Cleveland (0-2) @ Baltimore (1-0)

Coming off a bye week the Ravens will be rested and ready to go at home against the overrated Browns. Ravens Win

Dallas (2-0) @ Green Bay (2-0)

This is the game of the week by far. Both teams looks like gold right now sitting at 2-0. This will definately be a preview of things to come in the playoffs. I'm having the same feeling here I did with the Jacsonville/Broncos game of 97. I feel like the natural response is the cowboys but I just don't see it. I think Green Bay is feeling it from their past 2 big wins. I love them and think they've got it at home. Pack Wins

Jets (1-1) @ San Diego (0-2)

Gomer Pile leads his crew of flunkies out to San Diego where they'll get bent over by the Charges. Chargers Win

Friday, September 19, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

We have to apologize due to the lack of B movie clips the last month. The sudden impact of our reviews on the public has set us back a bit. It takes a while to respond to all the positive feedback and the fans come first. Since you've been patiently waiting here is one fantastic clip for you. Naturally it's a Seagal flick but this one features Keenan Ivory Waynes who adds an instant star for his sheer b-ness. The action and dialog look just right. The only thing missing is fire marshall Bill but that won't stop us from reviewing this one in the near future. Here is The Glimmer Man:


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Killer Klowns From Outerspace: 5 out of 5 stars

Killer Klowns dish up Killer B, September 16, 2008

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!*

After 70+ reviews you may come to realize we go through many phases during the course of a year. Sometimes we have an appetite for action that can only be quenched by the likes of Seagal or priemer Norris which can last months at a clip. Other times we seek b comedy and sci-fi features. However for the last month we have been all over the world of b horror. We grew up on it so it holds a certain level of sentimental value in addition to many laughs with a few scares sprinkled in. Horror is what really built the strong foundation our b enterprise sits upon. While viewing week after week b horror one title came to mind that is absolute classic: Killer Klowns from Outerspace. We decided it must be done with immediate urgency and were very happy with our decision.

The film starts out at the local make out spot in an anytown USA type area. We have our two main actors Debbie and Mike getting ready for some sweet action until they're interrupted by what appears to be a huge comet. As the bright orange ball flies through the sky Debbie decides they should go check it out much to Mikes protest. This guys trying to unload here and she wants to go see where the comet landed. As Mike thinks he must figure if he goes with her to check it out he has just bumped his potential of getting laid up into the 90% barrier, so he goes along with it. Now we cut to some old farmer who is a dead ringer for chuck as he see's the same comet. He gets all happy times because he figures he can charge people to see the comet thus earning him enough money to buy a set of teeth. He tells his old lady he'll be back, grabs the bloodhound, and treks through the forest. As he walks he comes upon a huge circus tent. So he's poking around while his dog lags behind. As the dog sits there barking at the tent one of the Klowns scoops him up in a net forcing the old man to have a huge freakout. While in full panic mode another Klown comes from behind and shoots him with his ray gun turning him into a cotton candy corpse. Moments later our Mike and Debbie stumble upon the tent and wonder what is going on. She's freaked saying something is wrong but idiot Mike thinks the circus has come to town but decided to set up shop in the middle of the woods. He talks her into going inside where they realize they're in a UFO. They stumble upon all the cotton candy and see that there are bodies inside. Like complete wackbags they start yelling which get them attention from the Klowns who chase them out of the ship shooting popcorn at them.

Now Mike and Debbie run to the police station where they ask for help from officer Dave Hansen, who looks like a mix of Chris Hansen and William Zabka, and happens to be debbie's old flame. They tell them about their encounter with the klowns which forces Hansen out to the scene of the crime. Once they get out into the woods the tent is gone forcing Hansen to believe Mike and Debbie may have been doing a few batties. He decides to cuff Mike and bring Debbie home. Now throughout the film we have a lot of homo erotic tension between both Mike and Hansen. They have constant one liners to throw back and forth causing many laughs throughout the film. As Mike being brought down to the station they stuble upon a group of people watching one of the Klowns but on a shadow puppet show. Among this group are the Terenzi brothers in their ice cream truck. As they watch to show the Klown makes a shadow puppet of a dinosaur which eats the crowd in one of the worst special effects ever. Pure genius! The Terenzi brothers freakout and Mike runs out of the car to pair up with them while Hansen gets up to the station to rasle up some back up. Once at the station he see's one of the Klowns and opens fire. The shots have no effect on the klown as he steps close until he's shot in the nose. He starts spinning around in a very trippy special effects disaster ultimately killing him. Hansen now knows how to stop the Klowns and gets the gang together to find the tent and take them out. Once the whole crew gets there they make a plan of attack by sending the Terenzi brothers their own way to look for the klowns. As the rest of the crew searches they are met by roughly 20 klowns and hop up on some blocks to escape. They are being surrounded until the Terenzi brothers comes busting through the wall in their ice cream truck. They are then forced to fight a giant called "Klownzilla" which officer Hansen kills buy smashing its nose with his police badge. They have a big gay group hug and the credits roll.

Once the ending came we looked at each other and said, this films got it. It is essentially the definition of campy b horror that anyone can enjoy. Well almost anyone. We saw a couple bad reviews that panned the movie really hard. What were you expecting from a film titled "Killer Klowns from Outerspace?" Did you think this would be an oscar worthy film? For you who panned this film you need to get over yourselves. Films like this are what keeps the movie business interesting. Who needs a serious movie with big name actors all the time? Not us, not Sid. It had just the right amount of terrible acting, laughable special effects, and great looking clowns. If you love b horror then this one has it all.

Click here for movie trailer:


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Dead Mary: 1 out of 5 stars

The B side to Bloody Mary, September 13, 2008

Late night is the best time for a horrific b masterpiece. Over the years the window in between 12:30 am til 4:00 am has been such a huge source of our reviewing materials by revealing the straight to video side of films. For about the past month, every Friday night around 1 am this fim Dead Mary comes on. After checking it out partially here and there it was finally time to sit through the film in its entirety. Just from the description explaining a group of friends are terrorized by a supernatural force they summon lets you know what to expect. This is the same description for about 500 other horror titles that are shown late night, but thats all part of b.

When pondering this film you may wonder, why the title "Dead Mary" instead of the well known tale of Bloody Mary? The one thing that came to mind was some type of copyright nonsense. Which turned out to be exactly the problem. The original screenplay was called Bloody Mary. The title was cleared in every territory except Japan, where the name Bloody Mary is copyrighted, and it was suggested that the title be changed to Dead Mary for release in that country alone. When the film's producers discovered that another film, also called Bloody Mary, was being readied for release around the same time, it was decided that the film's title be officially changed to Dead Mary in order to avoid confusion. But with a direct to video release does it even matter?

As we begin we are introduced to yet another group of d bags who are having a little reunion in the woods to reminisce of old times. So for once we don't have a group of high school kids getting killed in the woods. Instead we have older versions of high school idiots who are probably more irritating now then they were in high school. Go Dead Mary! They finally arrive at the cabin and not much of anything happens for the first half hour. There is a lot of dialog which amounts to absolutely nothing. It gets so boring you may even consider just shutting it down. As night rolls in they are hanging out having some drinks when one of the girls suggest they play Dead Mary. After she starts challenging the room they finally give in and one by one go into the bathroom. With only a lit candle they stand in front of the mirror with their eyes closed and repeat Dead Mary 3 times. This part actually was a bit creepy. The atmosphere was very dark and provided some element of horror, but nothing too amazing. The one kid has an odd experience as his candle goes out and turns the light on to find blood on the sink signifying Dead Mary is one the loose. See this was a disappointment. It would have been cool to see some old decrepit spirit come smahing through the mirror but we get nothing. Everyone now decides it's bed time and one guy continues to get loaded by himself in the living room where he eventually passes out. He awakes to some odd noises which for some reason make him run outside. Once outside he gets killed. The friends go running as his corpse begins speaking revealing secrets within the group of friends. So instead of a cool Dead Mary running around have people getting killed and possesed by her spirit which makes them come back only to reveal each other secrets. It's absurd. The rest of the film moves at the same pace with nothing to offer. It feels like you're watching more of a therapy session then an actual horror film. All thats revealed is this group of losers dirty laundry in a weak attempt to create some chills.

Once this one ends you're going to wonder why this approach to a creepy tale. After some research we found out that the original script called for Dead Mary, when summoned by the chant, would rise from the lake and murder each character. Instead of that director Robert Wilson decided it would be much better if Dead Mary was never seen. She wuld just manifest herself in the characters causing them to spill the beans about their friends. He should have picked the first idea which would have been a far superior film. It's good to take an approach outside the whole slasher idea, but there has to be some element of horror to make it work. This one just came up short where the rapidly aproaching ending was all you're rooting for. Don't bother with this unless up very late with nothing better to do.

Click here for movie trailer:

Friday, September 12, 2008

Week 2 NFL Picks

Ok we are approaching another exciting week of NFL action and the S Train is gracing the world with some pics. After last week who knows what will happen in week 2? My counterpart hit you with some expert advice, hopefully I can match his football expertise and deliver the goods. I do tend to have a good track record when it comes to picks so lets see what happens.

Miami @ Arizona

Being a huge Miami fan I tend to be a little biased but still logical. Arizona looked strong against SF last week but I think that was more of a fluke then anything. I was impressed by Miami who pissed the game away against the Jets. Pennington who moonlights as a toy making elf came out pretty weak but turned up the heat a bit to give Gang Gay a run for their money. I'm going with my boys Miami in this one.

Chicago @ Carolina

How about those bears? I went out on a limb feeling confident that the Bears would take out Colts football last week and came away happy. This week may be different with Carolina coming off a huge win in San Diego. As I go back and forth I still feel Chicago has some juice left in them from that win in Indy, but not quite as confident. Despite my doubts I'm still going with Chicago.

Tennessee at Cincinnati

Well this one should be interesting. My first thought is they should probably have a psychiatrist on the field to deal with a man who isn't sure if his dad was a set of numbers and a guy who just seems plain crazy but staying home to eat chicken wings during week 1. Despite the crazy undertone we still have a game to play. Titans D is fierce and the Bengals are overrated so I like the Titans in this match up.

Green Bay @ Detroit

Nothing better then a nice division rivalry. After last week I feel very confident with Aaron Rodgers in the drivers seat. It took him a little bit to get going but once he did he looked really good as did the pack offense and defense. Detroit had some high expectations being one of the teams to watch but came up empty. So I like the Pack, I guarantee they'll be victorious.

Indianapolis @ Minnesota

Here we have 2 really good 0-1 teams coming off some big losses. As the Colts went down Peyton did an inordinate amount of talking to himself which leads me to believe he'll be very ready for this week. I'm going with Colts all the way.

Buffalo @ Jacksonville

Buffalo looked really great last week and the Jags looked weak. At home though I think they'll be too strong for Buffalo. Jags win.

Oakland @ Kansas City

Why even bother with this game? My logic is, Huard was once a Dolphin so lets go KC. Kansas City barely wins.

New England @ Jets

Here is by far the 1 of the gayest games of the season. The ony other gay one is when these two play each other again. Here we have Gomer Pile vs Cassel who spent more time video taping Tom and Moss in the shower then actually seeing any play time. I'm sad I even have to pick a winner since both teams can eat it. Gang Gay takes this one.

Giants @ St Louis

This will be more like a scrimmage game for the Giants. St Louis is so pathetic there is no other choice here but the G men.

Pittsburg vs Cleveland

This one is tough. I think these teams will match up well thus give us a really good game. I think Pittsburg has the edge here. Steelers win.

San Diego @ Denver

Another decent game here. I think the San Diego's D will be effected by Shawn Merriman's absense and they won't be able to get the offense going with LT questionable. Denver Wins.

San Fran @ Seattle

San Fran needs redemption after last weeks tough loss. Luckily they have Seattle which should be an easier game this season. Niners win.

Atlanta @ Tampa

Atlanta looked really nice last week but it may be different against the Tampa D. On the fence for this one but I give the edge to Tampa at home. Bucs win.

New Orleans @ Washington

New Orleans should have an easy one this week. Look for a big game from Reggie against an overrated devense. Saints win big.

Philadelphia @ Dallas

This should be a good one. Here we have division rivals who both looked really strong last week. At home though I have to go with Dallas. Cowboys win.

Baltimore @ Houston

Ravens win hands down


You probably wouldn't be able to tell from our stellar film reviews, but we, Sid the Elf, are huge--yoo-MUNGOUS football maniacs. So, we decided last Sunday watching the games that we needed to share our love for the game with you. And maybe we can help you win some cash or just beat your friends down with your supperior knowledge by spouting picks right before kickoff and looking like a genius by 4:00.

Now, are we qualified to make football picks? Probably not. But, there is only one person we can ever remember correctly predicting Jacksonville's monumental upset of the hated Denver Broncos in the 1996 playoffs. That was, of course, one-half of Sid the Elf. Enough said. We'll have two sets of picks, one for each of our personalities.


Last week, the Cards got a 23-13 win at San Fransisco. Wow. Impressive. Anytime you go into J.T. O'Sullivan's house and come away with a W it's going to gain you a lot of respect. Maybe that's why the Cardinals are 6 1/2 point favorites over the Dolphins, who almost beat the Jets last week despite Chaddangalo Pennington's best efforts. The Phins looked far better than the 1-15 team we saw last year especially after Chad stopped throwing Santaballs straight into the ground a good 5 yards in front of his recievers. We really like Miami in this game and love them to cover the 6 1/2 mainly because the Dolphins are used to the South Beach nightlife so they will all probably be bored to tears and get a wonderful night sleep Saturday night in Glendale, Arizona.


This might be this week's best "show me something" game. Is Carolina really as good as they looked last week, beating the Chargers? And are Da Bears as good as they looked against Indy? While the Panthers squeeked by San Diego on that Delhomme last second TD pass, the Bears throttled the Colts to the point that Peyton Manning's discarded Bursa Sac was crying. Still, we like the Panthers here. The Bears were going up against a dilapidated Colt's offensive line and Manning's movement in the pocket reminded Sid of the old Dan Marino joke. You know the one, "Man, if they let Dan play on one of those Segways, he'd still be chucking ropes out there." So, we think that the Panthers are a little more for real, and they're only giving 3 at home. You know where it's going.


We have to label this one The Crazy Bowl with Ocho Cinco vs. The Suddenly Insane Vince Young eventhough VY is out. The Titans D looked amazing last week while the Bengals were unable to put one in the end zone. Not a good mixture. We like the Titans getting 1 even on the road.


There is no doubt that Aaron Rodgers passed Monday Night's test with flying colors. He will never be Brett Favre, but it looked like he knew how to manage the game and is able to make all the throws(especially that deep ball to Jennings). He might, however, not have to throw the ball much if Ryan Grant's hamstring is healthy against a Lion's defense that gave up over 300 yards rushing to Atlanta. The Pack is giving 3 on the road and that's just fine with us. We like Pack football in this one.


The Colts looked awful on Sunday night. They couldn't protect Peyton, who looked lost. But Archie could probably put on some pads and be better than Tavaris Jackson right now. Do the Colts start the season 0-2? I'd have to say probably not, unless Superman Peterson is feeling it. Then, hide the women and children. So Indy probably puts everybody but Tom Moore in the box. The Colts barely cover the 2 they're giving the Vikings in Minnesota.


The Jag's O looked really bad against the Titans in week 1 and the Bills D looked great. But that was against Matt Hasselbeck's bulging discs and the guy they pulled out of the stands for $50 to play receiver. Can you trust Trent Edwards to win on the road against a still respectable Jags D? I wouldn't, so I'm saying Jacksonville laying the 5 1/2.


Ok, to all 10 people that care about this game: remember when this was a badass AFC West showdown? Now--not. JaMarcus Russell vs. Damon Huard is not exactly a marquee matchup. The Raiders gave Denver a fifth preseason game last week while KC couldn't score on four chances from the 5 against a shell-shocked Pats team. The Chiefs are favored by 3 1/2, but that shouls probably be the over/under for the game. I say it ends in a 2-2 tie. So I guess--KC.


This one is The Morality Bowl. There are 2 enormous moral dilemas surrounding this one. First, if you were/are a huge Packers fan is it ok to jump ship to the Jets because of Brett Favre? If you ask Santa, who has a truly unhealthy, creepy Favre obsession; he'd say it's just fine to back the previously despised Jets with roughly 14:30 left in the first quarter of their first preseason game after seeing Brett throw his first pass as part of Gang Gay. But a sane person would say that while it's ok to hope Favre doesn't embarress himself and has a good year, you don't turn your back on your team. So bad job by Santa there and anyone like him, if that's humanly possible. Onto the biggie: Is it ok to be happy that Tom Brady got hurt? Let's test you: Will you be happy to see Randy Moss give up in a few weeks and cause Bill Belicheck to have a heart attack on the sidelines? Will you be happy if Belicheck slips and throws a racial slur Moss's way during a press conference? Will you be happy to not see countless "Tom Brady: God's gift to the world" puff pieces during the playoffs? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you are happy to see Tom Brady injured. Oh I almost forgot an important one: Did you and a buddy litterelly high-five when the game break came on in which they showed the Brady injury? If you did that, you're definately happy. On to the actual game: Favre vs. Casell. The whole spygate crap between these teams. And the wild-card, the Jets secondary. They looked great last week and I think they can actually contain Moss enough. I like Favre in his Jets home opener just enough to take Gang Gay-1 1/2.


The G-men did not impress in the season opener. But, the Rams litterally looked like a high school team. As much as I hate the Giants, they are still getting no respect and I see Eli to Plax being a recurring theme in this one. I'm taking the B-men giving 8 1/2.


This is the Sunday Night game this week. Everyone seems to have given up on the Browns after one week. This includes the oddsmakers who have them as a 6 point underdog at home. I think the Steelers are as good as they appeared to be last week, but I'm just feeling the Browns for some reason. Probably not a good sign for them. I'm taking Cleveland -6.


This is another "Show Me Something Game." Denver whooped up on Oaktown, and the Chargers lost that heartbreaker to Carolina. After last week and how the Chargers limped out of the gate last year, I can't see how they're favored by 1 1/2 on the road against Denver. I like Denver with the points and outright.


The Niners are bad, really bad. And the Seahawks are in bad shape, too. The Seahawks' top four receivers are out. Therefore they need help, big time. Indulge me for a minute and picture this hilarious scene: Mike Holmgren making his way to Jamaica to try to lure Usain Bolt to Seattle to try to play WR. How long before he gets robbed? 30 seconds? Seattle is giving 7 at home, but I like the Niners here. Frank Gore is the best player on the field, I'll go with him.


Are the Falcons good? They put up 300+ rushing yards last week. But, the Bucs' legendary D-coordinator Monte Kiffin will throw about a kajilion different looks at Matt Ryan this week. Plus, it looks as if Brian Greese is aiming to start another QB controversy with his opportunity to start this game. I like Tampa at home giving 7.


This game is a pick 'em after the Saints nice win over Tampa last week and the Skins looking flaccid against the G-men. I think Reggie Bush has another big game with a lot more touches this week due to the Marques Colston injury. I like the Saints in a big way.


Nice Monday Night game. T.O. vs. McNabb. All that trash. Both teams looked ridiculously ready for prime time last week. Dallas is dangerous with all those weapons and McNabb did some amazing things with his no name receivers. I like Dallas for the win, but Philly for the cover. Close, really good game here.


This is another Monday Nighter because Hurricane Ike pushed it from Sunday. For some reason, I like Baltimore. I think Joe "Shane" Flacco might be pretty good. That combined with the Texans looking inept at best last week, makes me think the Ravens with the all-time best Pat nickname "Crazy Ray" take this one as 4 1/2 point dogs.

That's all for me, but I suck at this. Look for the Ace Rothstein side of Sid's picks if you really want an idea of what's going to happen this weekend. That's the side with the famous '96 playoff pick and last week's Bears-Colts upset. If we didn't hate Chris Berman so much, I'd make some sort of Swam referance. But the only time we talk about him, it's to make fun of his secret orgies with Bellicheck, Parcells, and a gaggle of hookers

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Grim: 3 out of 5 stars

It's great to see that the SE crew from Journey to the West does horror films now, September 6, 2008

Lately we have been getting so much enjoyment from our golden era of b. The 90's packed in so many b horrors that they've given us enough to watch and review for the next few years. The beauty behind these films is all the effort they put in to them with the result being a straight to video release. It's just amazing. You have a group of the most talentless humans fighting to make their big deput by doing a film destined for the five dollar bin, much like tonights entry. Grim is such as disaster it's almost hard to believe it actually exists. The tagline for this one is "This ain't no fairytale" but we decided to change it to "This ain't no movie."

We start off with a few friends playing around on a ouija board. There is no explanation to what they are actually doing but somehow they unlease a hilarious looking creature who was set in stone for centuries. The one girl appears to be possesed by the creature Grim once her eyes light up red in the first of many obsurd special effects attempts. Once possesd we sees some pink line appear on the floor then Grim pops out dragging the girl underneath the floor deep into his cavern. Whenever Grim comes to take someone there is always a pink line he comes through and they make him look wavy like it's a screen saver. These are effects that are so bad they must been seen to be believed. Possibly the worst SE ever!

So after this opening scene we cut straight to a group of the most unrealistic spelunkers as they get ready for a little caving expidition. Despite the fact that this film was made in 1995 these people look like they were living in 83. The leader of the caving mission is some guy named Rob who kind of looks like the weazel guy Eric from Billy Madison. He has an ultra tough attitude and throws ongoing comments at one of the other spelunkers in some fantastic banter. The rest of the crew look like simple folks from the suburbs and have no redeeming value. In fact you are just dying to see them get devoured by Grim. As they make their way down into the styrofoam cave that the directors 11 year old son made as a science fair project, it becomes quite apparent it's just going to get worse and worse. They are poking around while Grim stalks in the shadows. It's really interesting how graceful Grim is for a 450 lb creature that growls, kills, and eats for a living. For some reason they never see him coming as he swipes one of the woman and bites her entire face off. Once her husband realizes she disappeared he goes looking for her only to run into Grim. Now everyone knows there is a creature down there and their one exit has been sealed up. As they continue to run around aimlessly they decided they must find a way out but also must destroy the creature so he won't plague this small hick town with his b killing spree. While searching they come across a body of water and camp out there to devise a plan until Grim jumps out of the water in similar form to and elf out of a stocking. He takes a couple more lives leaving only 3 morons who manage to temporarily take him down by lighting dynamite which collapses part of the cave on him. For some reason the debris only harms Grim as the 3 go running off to find their exit. Once they find their exit Grim comes bashing throught the wall only to be haulted by a flashlight. Apparently the big guy hates lights which makes them realize if they can position him under a hole in the cave when the sun comes up it will shine on him turning him to stone. They accomplish the task and get out of there to leave Grim in a rock like state. We can only hope for a sequal sometime in the near future.

To sum this one up is simple, it's terrible. However it's the type of terrible that pleases us who love the B genre. The special effects, horrible acting, and confusing plot will leave you speachless. If anyone could get an honorable mention in this one it'd have to be Grim. Even though he couldn't speak he was by far the best actor. Plus he chomped peoples heads off which is always fun.

Click here for movie trailer:

Teeth: 4 out of 5 stars

Sex Ed from the darkside,
September 6, 2008

Usually during a horror flick the ladies are the ones to squirm but it is quite the contrary in our title feature "Teeth." This film is probably the most unique we've seen in ages. It explores the ancient myth of vagina dentata that was found in several ancient cultures. The way this myth goes is that certain woman have teeth in the vagina which will bite off the manhood of all suitors until a hero comes to conquer the inner beast, turning her into a normal woman. Yeah if your a guy this is by far the scariest horror concept ever created. We'd rather take on Michael Myers and any killer/creature out there instead of going to battle with vagina dentata. The film takes a modern day twist on the myth making it a very entertaining yet horrific experience.

The film starts off with a couple of young kids sitting in a swimming pool. Their parents will soon be married and they will become brother and sister despite the young boys crap attitude towards it. This kid is a total perv and shows the little girl captain winky which then is followed by him screaming. The parents come running out to find the young boys finger deeply sliced up and bleeding. Now we jump to the teenage years and the girl (Dawn) is the leader of a local chastity group. She speaks to kids telling them the importance of saving themselves for marriage. The step brother (Brad) on the other hand is even worse of a perv and now a total drug machine whose sole purpose in life is to nail Dawn, who is his stepsister. Yeah we're thinking this one took place in the midwest. As Dawn leads her group she winds up meeting a Hale Appleman who shares her same views of self preservation. They wind up hitting it off and decide to take a swim down at a local lake. As their swiming they start making out which sends Hale's harmones through the roof. This kid seems so backed up that he's about to explode at any minute, which he soon tries to. He winds up making a move on Dawn and gets shut down. After being shut down he decides it time for some raping and forces himself in her. Now ideally we were hoping Chris Hansen would come out of the cave and read him his computer transcript and then send him on his way to be tackled by a group of cops but instead we have something much worse. Hale enrages the beast within Dawn and gets his manhood chomped off in one of the most disturbing scenes ever.

Now Dawn is so freaked out that she does some research online finding out about the Dentata myth. She isn't sure if thats what she has and decides to go to the gyno for a check up. Sure enough she finds out she does have it once her vagin bites off four of the doctors fingers. Now the poor girl is really screwed up. She has been restraining herself from sex for years and now she founds out anything that goes near her gets ripped to shreds. She had to wonder if she was going to wind up like the 40 year old virgin. She doesn't know who to turn to and decided the only person she can trust is some d bag she knows from school. Once she's over his house he gets her loaded and gets it on with her vowing he will conquer the beast, and does. He gets through the sexy time and keeps his goods in tact. As they go for it again he answers the phone telling his friend he nailed her as part of the bet. Yeah he went for her as part of a bet seeing if he could uncork her. She gets furious and has unleashes the dentata on him taking half his genitals. Now that she realizes she can take charge of her curse she goes to payback her perv step brother by seducing him and biting his wang off too.

In the end she seems to realize it's not all that bad since she can get the ultimate revenge on any guy that tries to take advantage of her. It was definately an experience for us. The film wasn't scary but the idea of this actually happening is one horrific thought. This one definately comes with a decent recommendation from us promising it will be different from anything you've seen before.

Click here for movie trailer:

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

PINOCCHIO'S REVENGE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

If it's B horror you're seeking, look no further than an elf playing a puppet's body double, September 2, 2008

Whenever we, Sid the Elf, are in doubt about a movie to select for our B viewing we always tend to lean towards the fabled Golden Era of horror B. This is the time period from 1986-1996 that rarely disappoints. Our selection this time was Pinocchio's Revenge. This film was made in 1996, so it is right on the cusp time-wise. And judging by the cover, we knew this was a terrible film, so we were a little worried that it might have a little Jack Frost in it. By this we mean that the people in charge of the production knew the movie was irredeemable, so they threw in some comedy in the way of corny one-liners just to hedge their bets. But we lucked out when this flick actually tried to be good and scary. Of course it wasn't, so the only comedy came from us ripping it apart at a rate even we aren't usually capable of. Perfect. The result was the very essence of horror B. There aren't even any recognizable actors in this one except for Randolph, the butler from Wedding Crashers and Asian Reporter Trisha Takinawa.

Pinocchio's Revenge is a pretty self-explanatory title. The film centers around a doll who is devoid of all reason, all logic. In fact, it compels a man to become a mass child murderer. His lawyer suspects that the Pinocchio doll the killer made for his son is ultimately responsible for the murders, but can't prove it. So she mistakingly brings the doll home. Pretty big error, wouldn't you burn that thing asap? To make matters worse, she piles it on to her daughter's birthday presents, then lets the little girl keep it. By this point, you're hoping you see Pinocchio flogging Mom within the next 5 minutes. From here, the writing is on the wall. Pinocchio starts corrupting the girl, and she starts acting strange. She gets into a fight at school which is just pure cinematic genius. And all these bizarre accidents start happening, including a bus running the girl over. But don't worry, she bounced right back up and walked away without an explanation as to how. So, the little girl ices her classmate and her mom's boyfriend. But was it her or Pinocchio? That's what is in question at the end. What is not in question, however, is that this movie is the true essence of B.

The fact that they only had enough budget to have one scene in which the puppet's mouth moved seals the deal. Then throw in the Journey to the West level acting from the foreign chick that Pinocchio watched shower, and you go up another star for atrocious acting as well as a totally gratuitous nude scene. Also, when the puppet's eyes moved in a decidedly Short Studd manner we couldn't believe it. We were actually on the fence of 2 1/2 to 3 stars at one point during this flick. But, then it happened. They showed Pinocchio running across the street. It was the spitting image of Sid chasing a chick down with a pink turkey baster. That's an instant 4-star effort. But, after a little research, we found out that it wasn't the late, great L DeJ in his final role as we guessed. It was Verne Troyer. Yep, a good 3 years before his role as Mini-me and about 10 years before his legendary Surreal Life stint, he was a stunt double for an inanimate object. Too bad they had him running instead of riding around on that little scooter of his.

If you are looking for some scares and legitimate creepiness, this is not the movie for you. But, if it's an hour and a half of mocking something that your 8 year old could have come up with you enjoy like us, Pinocchio's Revenge is perfect for you. It fits the definition of unintentional comedy to a "T" therefore, it is an obvious choice for a Sid the Elf recommendation. It is also a nominee, and maybe the favorite, for the 2008 Woody Award for Best Surprise.