Tuesday, April 29, 2008

COMMANDO: 5.0 out of 5 stars

Commando, Staring THE Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't B right? WRONG., August 13, 2007

So you're reading this saying that Sid the Elf only reviews B, and Arnie is in Commando so it's not a good match. Well, you'd better get ready for the big surprise: the Governator is without a doubt as B as they come. Commando literally had us cracking up from the first minute when those killer garbagemen attacked. Then, we go right to Arnold doing his lumberjack routine showing off his muscles followed immediately by us getting a glimpse into the softer side of Arnold as he hand-fed a dear what could only have been presumed as protein powder. We were just getting warmed up when he uttered his first line and it hit us, "It is really really funny just to hear this guy talk." It made us realize that this movie, as well as all future Arnold ventures have limitless potential.

Arnold's hilariously bad acting which made the movie. But you had a good storyline too. Arnold plays a retired special-ops officer who obviously was a bad man. Arnold's daughter, played by Alysia Millano, gets kidnapped by some guys who won't give her back until Arnold assassinates someone for them. Of course, Arnold says "You are mine now! You belong to me!" A more B storyline Sid could not imagine. Why couldn't the kidnappers(there were like 10 of them) do the assassination themselves? Well, because then we wouldn't have a great B to watch. Now, Millano is like 8 in this movie, so if you're thinking whether or not it's wrong to think of how hot she would later become while watching this film, Sid the Elf has a ruling for you: NO DEAL. She's 8 here!

Anyway, Commando rocked so hard we can honestly only break it down old-school Joe Bob style. In Comando there was:

1 seat being ripped from a car

1 airplane neck-snapping

1 occupied phone booth thrown 20 feet

2 impalings, 1 with a pitchfork

1 man being thrown off a cliff

1 scalping

4 rockets launched

17 grenade explosions

1 future smoking hot chick

1 French door execution at the hands of Conan the Barbarian

1 steaming pipe thrown through a chest

1 13 minute knife-fight

23 Rambo rip-offs...

...and 827 dead bodies at the hands of John Matrix.

Commando was really really B. The surprise hit of the Summer. Non-stop laughs. Recipient of the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval, and rare 5-star movie.

Click here for movie trailer:

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