Does It Hurt Van Damme?, September 5, 2007
Hello B fans, Sid the Elf is back to review Bloodsport. We mean this in the straightest way possible when we say that the most impressive thing in the movie was when Van Damme does the splits. No, actually, this film was wonderful. We picked it on the spur of the moment and it didn't disappoint. It had everything we could ask for. There was horrific acting from everybody involved. This even includes Forrest Whittiker from 35,622 buckets of fried chicken ago. You have Jean-Claude Van Damme in his first starring role and he hit this one out of the park on the first try. Although we're not quite sure why they chose a local special needs fry chef to play the young Frank Dux, but it was more than made up for when we heard the kid talk and saw him get kicked in the chest by the little Chineese kid. Then you had Ray Jackson, the big cross-eyed guy, who was nothing short of hillarious. Finally, there was the one, the only Chong-Li. Here you had a jacked, utterly insane Korean who instead of pounding hot dogs like Kobyashi, ate 34 egg white omelettes in 8 minutes while training for the Kumate. He just has a presence. When the screen showed his name opposite Ray Jackson's Sid the Elf froze. It was momentous.
Bloodsport is actually a true story. Seriously. It is about Frank Dux, the only American to ever win the Kumate. When he was a kid, Dux was taken in and trained by his Asian master. In a hilarious sequence, we see Young Dux(sounds like a rapper doesn't it?)learning all the awesome tricks he would later unleash in competition. When his master is on his death bed, Dux goes AWOL from the military to see him. After his death, Dux decides to honor his master by entering the Kumate. So, he not only has to fight insane opponents, like the completely frightening Chon Li, in the Kumate, he also has to elude Military Police who know he's at the Kumate and want to bring him back home. What makes Bloodsport such an awesome guy's movie is that the majority of the movie revolves around either karate fighting or training to karate fight. There are just too many cool or funny happenings in the movie to recount them all. As we, Sid the Elf, like to do when there's just too much to go over, we'll break this one down Joe Bob style and let you use it as a guide when you watch Bloodsport. Here are the Drive-In totals:
3 bricks broken, 1 with a head-butt
1 compound leg fracture
1 skinny Forrest Whitiker falling off a boat
1 partially nude Van Damme
1 pair of red bikini briefs worn by the Muscles from Brussels
1 Mr. Fuji style eye salting
56 hilarious facial expressions
1 ref beating courtesy of Chong-Li
1 homicide in the ring
32 crushed beer cans by Ray "ABC 123" Jackson
1 Van Damme Flock of Seagulls hair do
4 inappropriately placed romantic songs from the soundtrack...
...ALSO HE'S A NINJA!
Definitely 5 stars. Partially for the terribly done fighting scenes. I mean, most of those blows could be stopped by Cecila Dux, Frank's grandmother. Easy recipient of the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval. I have put all my knowledge into you. Watch Bloodsport!
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