Wednesday, July 2, 2008

ROSEMARY'S DOES IT HURT BABY: 1 out of 5 stars

Sid is renaming this one. It's now Rosemary's Does It Hurt Baby, July 2, 2008

Is Rosemary's Baby a horror classic? Well, conventional wisdom says yes, without a doubt. It was made in 1968, placing it in the early stages of horror prominence. And, certainly, it was more difficult to make a horror film back then. Remember, this was before somebody said "You know what? I really don't need a plot here. I'll just have a killer run around after people for an hour and a half." So, this film had to have a plot, which it did. But it wasn't anything special. The number of scares in the 2+ hours: Um, roughly, ZERO. If you have no idea what the movie is about going in, you think it's a story about a young couple and the bad food they eat all the time until the satanic love scene of course. While we're here: Bad job by Satan there. He left scratches all over Rosemary! You gotta be a little more gentle in that situation. No wonder why she started to get turned off of the whole project.

The film is centered around a young couple, Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse(great porn names)who have just moved to Manhattan. They get this place that is ubercreepy and they're even warned BY THEIR REALTOR about the sketchy history of the place. But, yeah, they'll take it. Good call, Woodhouses. Guy is a struggling actor who wants to succeed. He becomes extremely close with the old couple upstairs, even foregoing a sexy a time with an eager 1968 Mia Farrow to hang out with the old man. Anyway, the Woodhouses are given some chocolate mousse by the old lady. Rosemary's is laced with something and it gets Rosemary all messed up. She doesn't eat all of it though, so she's just kinda half in the bag instead of all the way gone. So, Guy takes her to the old couple's place where Satan has his way with Rosemary in an obviously disturbing ritual. It's here that you see that the old couple and Guy are actually part of some sicko club. So, now Rosemary's pregnant. But, she thinks it was Guy that made it with her when she was passed out. I guess that was acceptable back then. She is then persuaded to choose Mr. Morris from Pretty Woman as a doctor over Charles Grodin. Bad call. The doctor makes her drink the shakes the old lady makes her everyday. He says no pre-natal vitamins or anything. And it takes her like 8 1/2 months to want a second opinion.

So, Guy is now a successful actor now that his chief rival has been stricken blind. It's obvious by now that he has literally made a deal with the devil. He traded his first born son for a good career of Broadway acting, a third-round draft pick and future considerations. How did this work? Was there a negotiation process? While we're here is Satan the New England Patriots GM? And the old people, the doctor, and seemingly half of New York are witches. They take the baby from Rosemary after telling her he was stillborn. She finally knows what's going on and goes to the old couple's apartment to find her demon child in a black draped crib with an upside-down cross mobile($11.99 at Babies-R-Us). She's immediately horrified, then recovers quickly to rock the demon-child to sleep. Talk about resiliency. The credits roll and you immediately want the 2+ hours of your life back.

Maybe this movie was scary in 1968, Sid doesn't know. If it was, then it holds up remarkably badly over time. There were roughly 85 missed chances to make the movie actually scary, and about the same number of times Sid said "When is something going to HAPPEN in this stupid movie?" It just moved so slowly. They could have shaved at least 30 minutes off of the film. Was it an innovative and different film? I guess, for its time. Was it one of the best horror films of all-time? No it is not true. The best part of this film was making fun of it. The number of jokes on this one was through the roof. That's the only reason it got the measly 1 star. But if Sid can have fun waiting in a long line for a loaf of semolina on a Sunday morning, you better believe he made this film worthwhile by cracking jokes. You had the go-to, "Wow, the guy from the Dirty Dozen is all over Mia Farrow. I bet Sinatra had him whacked out immediately after filming wrapped." And you had a five minute stretch when Grodin was in the film of nothing but jokes like "OK, Rosemary. Get into the paper gown, and nurse Beethoven will be in in a minute." And, "Grodin must have welshed on his deal with the devil." Also, of course, the old Family Guy joke: "We're playing house. Um, Roman Polanski's house." It was fun to rip this movie apart, but other than that, Sid thought it was a waste of time. Also, if this is what passes as "a horror classic," look for Sid the Elf's first horror script "Come On Down Here, Baby." to be released early in 2010. Just give us 45 minutes to write it.

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