Saturday, July 19, 2008

Black Dawn: 2 out of 5 stars

Segal revives the Jonathan Cold character, the Michael Myers hair, and the 70's pimp suit all in one movie! , July 16, 2008

Black Dawn was made in 2005. For those of Sid's readers who are not Segal historians, this was right in the middle of his one foot off the cliff stage in his career. Meaning, he was on a self-destructive path that miraculously ended in Segal becoming the king of straight to DVD action rather than killing himself. The movies he did during this period were attrocious at best. He must have realized how horrific he looked on camera at this point because it was here that he started producing as well as staring in these flicks. Thankfully, Segal threw in the towel on looking presentable in his films, gained an extra 50 pounds(for a total gain of 195 since Out for Justice), grew out the Myers hair more, and gave us a classic in Pistol Whipped hopefully with more to come. The tagline for Black Dawn is "It's always darkest before dawn." Sid's theory on this is that it had nothing to do with the movie. No, it must have symbolized a sad night when Segal arrived at his local Wendy's just after it closed. He probably got a Santa-like far away look in his eyes and contimplated life, arriving at the conclusion that he couldn't get his usual 80 nuggets and life just isnt fair. If Sid was forced to come up with a tagline for Black Dawn, it would either be "Steven Segal or the former Duran Duran rodie: Which guy's got it?" or maybe "Don't waste your time." This film was awful, and that's saying something considering Sid's love for Segal. The movie started out well enough. Segal plays Jonathan Cold(awesome name) again. Aparently, this is a character from another Segal masterpiece. It had Segal as a rouge ex-CIA agent like he always is now in his movies. Except, after that it kind of got blurry. Sid remenbers a few former Duran Duran rodies, or maybe they were former Depeche Mode rodies. Either way. And there was an appearance by McGyver's Richard Dean Anderson's brother Richard Dean Anderson. There was also a terrible scene when Segal and the B Nicole Kidman were driving. It looked just like when people drove in movies in the 50's. You know, there was an obvious seperation between the background and the actors. Does this mean that there have been no technological advances in movies in 50 plus years? No, sadly it just means that 90% of the film's budget was wasted on Segal's dressing room Arby's spread, his robes, and massage oils. And believe us, the film suffered. What about the part at the end when Segal was throwing the Depeche Mode rodies' bomb into the water? It looked like plastic. The effects in this movie just could not have been worse. It even got to the point where Sid got tired of making of Segal. Well, except for his awful suit. It was an old-school brown pinstripe 56 long and portly at the same time with a crappy off-white shirt and an even crappier yellow tie. And it looked worse than it sounds. It was designed by the famous Burlington designer Knights of the Round Table. And it was topped off by a pair of Honchos. That was wonderful, the highlight of the movie. Well, you know a movie is terrible when the highlight was Segal's $45 ensamble. It was that rare kind of film that was only 90 minutes long but it seemed to last forever. That's not a good thing. Segal, of course, has since made a major resurgence. But, this film might have been Segal's worst effort. He had only the begining stages of his now famous Myers hair and panda bear face. And he didn't even talk like he was an aging dude from the hood. You still couldn't understand what he was saying, but there wasn't a hint of ghetto slang. Very disappointing. In fact, in keeping the old Sid tradition, let's give this one a new title. Instead of Black Dawn, it's now Brown Pile.

Click here for movie trailer:

No comments: