Here is a little clip to brighten your day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o8G1Z-5UYI
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
B movie clip of the week
This week's clip comes from one of our favorite eras of B, the early 90's. Yes the same time period that brought us Death Ring also had many other choice films including a lot of B horror. This one is known simply as "Grim." In this disaster it appears that a group of awful actors paid in chalupas unleash an ancient demon that demolishes anyone/thing in its' path. The budget couldn't have been more then $75 and the special effects had to be done by an elementary computer class that took the short bus to school. Kick back and enjoy this B horror masterpiece. I assure you it will not disappoint.
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/GRIM/trailer/P00005879.htm
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/GRIM/trailer/P00005879.htm
HARD TO KILL: 4.0 out of 5 stars
Steven Segal and Kelly LeBrock reign as the King and Queen of B, May 8, 2008
In 1990, after an excruciating two year wait, the film world was blessed with Steven Segal's second masterpiece, Hard to Kill. The work of cinematic art also stars William Sadler(Heywood from Shawshank Redemption), and Kelly LeBrock. LeBrock and Segal were actually married at the time this film was made. LeBrock was one of the hottest chicks in the 80's, then ballooned up enough to cement her status as B with a Celebrity Fit Club appearance a couple years ago. How did Segal land her? How has he fooled people enough to appear in 20 films? It's like the guy has the whole world hypnotized. Considering how irrelevant they both are now, how funny is it that they were married. And until 1996. I can't even imagine how their relationship was at the end there. Did Segal divorce her because she finally beat him in a hot dog eating contest and he couldn't stand it? I don't get it, but it somehow adds to the b of Hard to Kill doesn't it? You know what else does? The plot.
In the movie, Segal plays Mason Storm, no seriously. Storm is a cop(shocker!) who films some mobsters and a politician making some illicit deal. When he gets home, corrupt cops who are in on the deal, shoot up Segal and his family. His wife is dead, Segal is in a coma, and his son jumps out the window but survives. Words cannot do it justice, believe me it was awesome. And a little tough to take. Segal got totally lit up. Sid always thought Segal's ponytail grease would save him somehow in moments like this. And, one of the corrupt cops was the guy who got forked in the hand by Denton Vachs! If you don't know what movie that's from, shame on you.
So, Segal is in a coma for SEVEN years. And his smoking hot nurse falls in love with him while he's in the coma. Are they serious? Were they intentionally going for the soap opera parallels? The portion of the movie that featured Segal in the coma and trying to recover from being a vegetable for seven years was the best in the movie. It kept on giving. There was the unforgettably uncomfortable scene when LeBrock lifts up Segal's bedsheet while he's in the coma to get a look at the Segalsage. Her reaction when she saw it: "PLEASE wake up." Oh the baby! Then, once Segal was out of his coma, he gave himself acupuncture to regain the muscle function in his legs. Read that again. Obviously, Segal gets his son back. The kid has been living with Segal's old partner. Segal ends up finding out that Senator Vernon "And you can take that to the bank!" Trent was the politician talking with the mobsters the night he got shot. So, he goes to Trent's mansion and kills like 15 of Trent's men before holding the Senator at gunpoint. Just then, the cops bust in! And they don't arrest Segal, they arrest the U.S. Senator. Then, Segal is walking away with his son, the old tape Segal shot is playing-and it ends. The credits roll, as they would in any self-respecting B.
Hard to Kill will be as ridiculous for you to watch as it was for Sid to try to review. But, if you can watch it while imagining Segal and a buddy sitting in Segal's house trying to write the script it will be just a hilarious, transcendent movie watching experience. The number of times Seagal said things like, "Yeah, then I have atrophy from the coma. And I...I give myself acupuncture to cure it!" must have been astounding. And, this movie has historical significance. It is the first time Segal wasn't indestructible in his movies. The only other time this happened was in Executive Decision. During that filming, Segal's tantrum over the fact that he dies in the movie held up shooting for three days. That's the Segal we all know and love, with an ego as big as his giant gut. So, if you feel like laughing at the man who once gave us the quote: "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol" then watch Hard to Kill. Sid recommends!
In the movie, Segal plays Mason Storm, no seriously. Storm is a cop(shocker!) who films some mobsters and a politician making some illicit deal. When he gets home, corrupt cops who are in on the deal, shoot up Segal and his family. His wife is dead, Segal is in a coma, and his son jumps out the window but survives. Words cannot do it justice, believe me it was awesome. And a little tough to take. Segal got totally lit up. Sid always thought Segal's ponytail grease would save him somehow in moments like this. And, one of the corrupt cops was the guy who got forked in the hand by Denton Vachs! If you don't know what movie that's from, shame on you.
So, Segal is in a coma for SEVEN years. And his smoking hot nurse falls in love with him while he's in the coma. Are they serious? Were they intentionally going for the soap opera parallels? The portion of the movie that featured Segal in the coma and trying to recover from being a vegetable for seven years was the best in the movie. It kept on giving. There was the unforgettably uncomfortable scene when LeBrock lifts up Segal's bedsheet while he's in the coma to get a look at the Segalsage. Her reaction when she saw it: "PLEASE wake up." Oh the baby! Then, once Segal was out of his coma, he gave himself acupuncture to regain the muscle function in his legs. Read that again. Obviously, Segal gets his son back. The kid has been living with Segal's old partner. Segal ends up finding out that Senator Vernon "And you can take that to the bank!" Trent was the politician talking with the mobsters the night he got shot. So, he goes to Trent's mansion and kills like 15 of Trent's men before holding the Senator at gunpoint. Just then, the cops bust in! And they don't arrest Segal, they arrest the U.S. Senator. Then, Segal is walking away with his son, the old tape Segal shot is playing-and it ends. The credits roll, as they would in any self-respecting B.
Hard to Kill will be as ridiculous for you to watch as it was for Sid to try to review. But, if you can watch it while imagining Segal and a buddy sitting in Segal's house trying to write the script it will be just a hilarious, transcendent movie watching experience. The number of times Seagal said things like, "Yeah, then I have atrophy from the coma. And I...I give myself acupuncture to cure it!" must have been astounding. And, this movie has historical significance. It is the first time Segal wasn't indestructible in his movies. The only other time this happened was in Executive Decision. During that filming, Segal's tantrum over the fact that he dies in the movie held up shooting for three days. That's the Segal we all know and love, with an ego as big as his giant gut. So, if you feel like laughing at the man who once gave us the quote: "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol" then watch Hard to Kill. Sid recommends!
Click here for movie trailer:
THE FINAL SACRIFICE: 5.0 out of 5 stars
The Final Sacrifice is the greatest thing produced by Canada since--um, well, ever. April 30, 2008
It might seem a little strange that we, Sid the Elf, are reviewing The Final Sacrifice. You know, considering that it's not on the MST 3k dvd and all. But, Sid only cares about the B; and he would be doing himself and his fans a great disservice by not informing you about this great MST episode. If you've never heard of The Final Sacrifice, finish reading this review then head over to sidtheelf.blogspot.com, where you can watch the movie and eventually read all our reviews and see lots of other cool stuff. Sid defies you to spend less than 30 minutes there. Anyway, on to the review.
The Final Sacrifice is a terrible low-budget Canadian film made in 1990. Its main character is a horribly awkward teenager named Troy MacGregor. He apparently is an orphan, and one day he stumbles upon some of his dad's things. This includes a treasure map-seriously. So, he naturally follows the map in order to figure out some things about his dad. A classic moment happens when he finds a picture of his father and the MST guys say, "Look, Larry Csonka!" This was great because the guy was a dead ringer and because they played off of this joke for the rest of the show. So, Troy is following his treasure map and he suddenly is being chased by a creepy cult. The distinction of these guys was that they all wore black masks and black t-shirts(except the one guy who had a dark gray one; guess they couldn't spring the extra $5). These are the guys who supposedly killed Troy's dad, and now they're after him. They want to make Troy The Final Sacrifice. Now you get the title, right?
Troy finally finds a truck and hides in the bed. The truck belongs to the one and only Zap Rowsdower. "Is he a makeupless clown?" was the response from the guys. Awesome. This guy was either the best actor that has never worked again, or never worked again because he's a horrible actor. He so overdelivered his first line that it has become a staple in Sid the Elf's line playlist recently. For the record, the line is "Name's Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." He actually delivered the line like it was cool, like this was going to be his big break or something. Zap Rowsdower? He thought that was going somewhere? Even a porn producer would have said that the name sounds too made up. Anyway, the only way the actor(Bruce J. Mitchell) could be thought of as good was if it's a given that Rowsdower is supposed to be a fat, ridiculous drunk. If this is the case, Bruce deserved an Oscar because he nailed that. The best Rowsdower jokes were "Is there beer on the sun?" when Rowsdower is looking into the sky; and "Yeah! My drinking arm is healed," when his drinking arm got healed.
Rowsdower becomes Troy's ally and helps Troy escape the black tees. They also employ the help of Mike Pipper, who can best be descibed as an old coot. He actually sounds like Yosemite Sam, which the guys take full advantage of at every turn. "Know him? He was delicious!" Troy learns from Pipper that Rowsdower used to be in the cult and possibly killed Troy's father! But he didn't, he was too wasted. And that's pretty much it.
The thing that makes MST so cool is that the movies they have on are completely utterly unwatchable on their own. Then, when you throw in the guys making their quips and observations BAM, instant high comedy. Sid knows he's not alone when he wonders how they ever took this off the air.
The Final Sacrifice is a terrible low-budget Canadian film made in 1990. Its main character is a horribly awkward teenager named Troy MacGregor. He apparently is an orphan, and one day he stumbles upon some of his dad's things. This includes a treasure map-seriously. So, he naturally follows the map in order to figure out some things about his dad. A classic moment happens when he finds a picture of his father and the MST guys say, "Look, Larry Csonka!" This was great because the guy was a dead ringer and because they played off of this joke for the rest of the show. So, Troy is following his treasure map and he suddenly is being chased by a creepy cult. The distinction of these guys was that they all wore black masks and black t-shirts(except the one guy who had a dark gray one; guess they couldn't spring the extra $5). These are the guys who supposedly killed Troy's dad, and now they're after him. They want to make Troy The Final Sacrifice. Now you get the title, right?
Troy finally finds a truck and hides in the bed. The truck belongs to the one and only Zap Rowsdower. "Is he a makeupless clown?" was the response from the guys. Awesome. This guy was either the best actor that has never worked again, or never worked again because he's a horrible actor. He so overdelivered his first line that it has become a staple in Sid the Elf's line playlist recently. For the record, the line is "Name's Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." He actually delivered the line like it was cool, like this was going to be his big break or something. Zap Rowsdower? He thought that was going somewhere? Even a porn producer would have said that the name sounds too made up. Anyway, the only way the actor(Bruce J. Mitchell) could be thought of as good was if it's a given that Rowsdower is supposed to be a fat, ridiculous drunk. If this is the case, Bruce deserved an Oscar because he nailed that. The best Rowsdower jokes were "Is there beer on the sun?" when Rowsdower is looking into the sky; and "Yeah! My drinking arm is healed," when his drinking arm got healed.
Rowsdower becomes Troy's ally and helps Troy escape the black tees. They also employ the help of Mike Pipper, who can best be descibed as an old coot. He actually sounds like Yosemite Sam, which the guys take full advantage of at every turn. "Know him? He was delicious!" Troy learns from Pipper that Rowsdower used to be in the cult and possibly killed Troy's father! But he didn't, he was too wasted. And that's pretty much it.
The thing that makes MST so cool is that the movies they have on are completely utterly unwatchable on their own. Then, when you throw in the guys making their quips and observations BAM, instant high comedy. Sid knows he's not alone when he wonders how they ever took this off the air.
Click here for link to movie. This one must be seen to be believed:
MORTUARY: 3.0 out of 5 stars
What were you expecting, honey? A tuna on rye?, April 10, 2008
Hello B fans, this is us, Sid the Elf, how are you? It's a double dip this week. We tackled Steven Segal in Pistol Whipped early in the week which naturally took a few days to recover from as the man is north of 400 lbs. Now we're back to review Mortuary. This film was directed by Tobe Hooper of Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, which was probably the only reason it ever made a theatrical release. This one smacked of straight to dvd. Those of you who know Sid's reviews know that this is not a problem. In fact, there was a lot to like about Mortuary. We felt like the film had all the elements of being a certified 5 star B, but fell short.
The plot of the film revolves around the Doyle family which includes Mom(Leslie) and her two kids, Jonathan and Jamie. The mother, in her infinite wisdom decides to become a mortician. Of course! Isn't that the job of choice for every single mother with an 8 year old girl? So, Mom buys a completely dilapidated house in California. This place could be a real beauty though, with the embalming room for a basement and a graveyard in front. Sounds like a dream right? How could these people not know there was going to be trouble? Then Jonathan gets a job at the local diner where he learns the story of Bobby Fowler, who used to live in Jonathan's new house and some say still does. In a nutshell, Bobby was the great grandson of Zeb Fowler, who started the mortuary. Bobby was a disfigured freak when he was born so his parents covered his face with a burial shroud and locked him in his room with bars on his windows and everything. Good times all around. Legend has it that Bobby killed his parents and still lives in his old house. Before we move on, let's get something out of the way: Mortuary had two HUGE parallels to The Final Sacrifice, the transcendent Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie. By the way, look for a review of The Final Sacrifice from Sid as part of MST 3000 season 9 in a few weeks. First, the Zeb Fowler character. That sounds an awful lot like..."Hey kid, I'm Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." And, if you don't think Jonathan doesn't strike an eerie resemblance to the legendary Troy McGreggor, Sid doesn't know what to tell you.
At this point we're about 40 minutes into the movie and it finally starts to get really cool. That's Sid's problem with the film, they concentrated way too much on the family settling into the new house and blah blah blah. The only thing this accomplished was you got attached to the little girl, Jamie. This is essential in a horror movie, to have someone you absolutely do not want to be harmed. She was it, anyone else would have been fine. Not her, not her. Anyway, here you have the awesome scene where the townies(1 goofy guy and 2 smoking hot chicks) go into a crypt to have a quasi-threesome. Great scene because it was totally unexpected. So, they get attacked by this weird vine-like stuff and it turns them into zombies. Meanwhile, Mom is embalming a corpse, and she gets attacked by it and also turns into a zombie. Yep, a real zombie movie. Pretty cool idea to revive the concept. So now the zombies are after Jonathan and his friends, one of whom gets a zombie hand through the chest. Sweet.
Now, the crew is trying to get away from the zombies, including the mom. They eventually hit the epicenter of the evil activity that has been plaguing the house for centuries. It's like a well filled with evil. The zombies are trying to feed Jamie to it. Not cool. They have to find a way to prevent this. They finally do. You ready for what the solution was? Rock salt. Yeah, just pour rock salt into the well of pure evil. That should do it. But, whatever, you knew they were going to get away. So, they're walking away, finally through with the ordeal. Jonathan is skipping along merrily doing his Troy "Rowsdower!" routine. And the ground opens up and something grabs him! And that's it, the movie ends.
Was this to leave the door open for a sequel, or to just give it a cool ending? Sid hopes it's option B. This movie was definitely decent. It even had one or two scary moments. Like when the bodies attacked Mom, that was nice. If it's Sid, he's saying the flick is worth checking out if you're an avid horror fan. However, it wasn't good enough to make a sequel. All in all, a tough movie to rate. Sid says when in doubt, 3 hot chicks in the movie = 3 stars.
The plot of the film revolves around the Doyle family which includes Mom(Leslie) and her two kids, Jonathan and Jamie. The mother, in her infinite wisdom decides to become a mortician. Of course! Isn't that the job of choice for every single mother with an 8 year old girl? So, Mom buys a completely dilapidated house in California. This place could be a real beauty though, with the embalming room for a basement and a graveyard in front. Sounds like a dream right? How could these people not know there was going to be trouble? Then Jonathan gets a job at the local diner where he learns the story of Bobby Fowler, who used to live in Jonathan's new house and some say still does. In a nutshell, Bobby was the great grandson of Zeb Fowler, who started the mortuary. Bobby was a disfigured freak when he was born so his parents covered his face with a burial shroud and locked him in his room with bars on his windows and everything. Good times all around. Legend has it that Bobby killed his parents and still lives in his old house. Before we move on, let's get something out of the way: Mortuary had two HUGE parallels to The Final Sacrifice, the transcendent Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie. By the way, look for a review of The Final Sacrifice from Sid as part of MST 3000 season 9 in a few weeks. First, the Zeb Fowler character. That sounds an awful lot like..."Hey kid, I'm Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." And, if you don't think Jonathan doesn't strike an eerie resemblance to the legendary Troy McGreggor, Sid doesn't know what to tell you.
At this point we're about 40 minutes into the movie and it finally starts to get really cool. That's Sid's problem with the film, they concentrated way too much on the family settling into the new house and blah blah blah. The only thing this accomplished was you got attached to the little girl, Jamie. This is essential in a horror movie, to have someone you absolutely do not want to be harmed. She was it, anyone else would have been fine. Not her, not her. Anyway, here you have the awesome scene where the townies(1 goofy guy and 2 smoking hot chicks) go into a crypt to have a quasi-threesome. Great scene because it was totally unexpected. So, they get attacked by this weird vine-like stuff and it turns them into zombies. Meanwhile, Mom is embalming a corpse, and she gets attacked by it and also turns into a zombie. Yep, a real zombie movie. Pretty cool idea to revive the concept. So now the zombies are after Jonathan and his friends, one of whom gets a zombie hand through the chest. Sweet.
Now, the crew is trying to get away from the zombies, including the mom. They eventually hit the epicenter of the evil activity that has been plaguing the house for centuries. It's like a well filled with evil. The zombies are trying to feed Jamie to it. Not cool. They have to find a way to prevent this. They finally do. You ready for what the solution was? Rock salt. Yeah, just pour rock salt into the well of pure evil. That should do it. But, whatever, you knew they were going to get away. So, they're walking away, finally through with the ordeal. Jonathan is skipping along merrily doing his Troy "Rowsdower!" routine. And the ground opens up and something grabs him! And that's it, the movie ends.
Was this to leave the door open for a sequel, or to just give it a cool ending? Sid hopes it's option B. This movie was definitely decent. It even had one or two scary moments. Like when the bodies attacked Mom, that was nice. If it's Sid, he's saying the flick is worth checking out if you're an avid horror fan. However, it wasn't good enough to make a sequel. All in all, a tough movie to rate. Sid says when in doubt, 3 hot chicks in the movie = 3 stars.
Click here for movie trailer:
PISTOL WHIPPED: 4.0 out of 5 stars
Wait a minute, Steven Segal plays a fat, washed-up drunk? Yeah it's a stretch but Sid took a chance., April 7, 2008
Why was the title of this film Pistol Whipped? Is it because you feel like you were repeatedly hit in the head with a heavy metal object when you are through watching the movie? Maybe. It certainly didn't have a lot to do with the movie itself. It could have been called Pistol Snatched because Segal did his move where he grabs a gun that's pointed directly at him and disables it. So, at this point, the use of a gun in a Segal movie means nothing. It actually is more advantageous to not be armed. Sure, right. This is the same film in which Segal-who seriously looks like a panda bear at this point-hooks up with a smoking hot chick and has an even smoking hotter ex-wife. The point is that you have to know going in that this movie makes no sense. Absolutely none whatsoever; so don't try to figure it out or you'll end up cross-eyed with a blistering headache. Just sit back and bask in Segal's warm, glowing warming glow.
Segal stars as Matt(no last name given at all how great is that?) who is a degenerate gambler who never won. He's also a fall down drunk who has ballooned to roughly 415 since his days as a rouge cop. See, Segal used to play rouge cops, now he's playing washed-up rouge cops. Just like he used to be a movie star, now he's a washed-up movie star. So, our main character spends his days drinking cheap whiskey right from the bottle and eating Manwich straight from the can. Frankly, Sid was not sure if this part of the film was scripted or if they just shot a day at Segal's house. Then the thought dawned on us: if it wasn't scripted, Segal wouldn't have had clothes on.
Stealing a page straight from the Death Wish 3 playbook, Segal was offered to have a favor done for him if he killed someone. So, in order to have his gambling debts wiped off the books, Segal had to kill the coach from He Got Game, who was playing a mafioso. He also set the all-time record for saying "honest to God" 328 times in his only scene in the film which lasted like 6 minutes. Good times. Obviously Segal kills him, but this time he did it fashionably. Segal meets up with the coach at a restaurant, and clearly couldn't just take out the mobster without taking out his henchmen too. One of those henchmen got a fork through the hand. That's right, Death Ring style, baby! That's like an instant 3 stars anytime someone reminds Sid of the legendary Denton Vachs. Now the people who agreed to pay Matt the panda's debt don't let up and force Segal to kill more poeple. Shocker!
They want Segal to kill his ex-wife's new husband who is a cop. Supposedly, the guy is dirty, but we don't see that. We only see that he's great with Segal's daughter, including the touching scene when Segal can't spend the day with his daughter and the step-father berates Segal for being too drunk to hang out with the girl...again. Hilarious even if it wasn't the case (Segal was being forced to go on a hit assignment that day). But, then we see the stepdad kill the priest(don't ask, it's not important just know that stepdad is a baaad man). And, the movie wraps up with a showdown at the priest's funeral. It was Segal vs. the stapdad. Sid must say, this was one of the better shootouts in recent memory. Of course, Segal won. The cool part about the ending was Segal asked Stepdad, "Do you want to be buried or cremated?" before he killed him to which Stepdad answered, "Buried." Then, Segal blows him up and says, "You're cremated now, m'f'er!" Awesome!
We, Sid the Elf, know that it may seem like we were very negative about Pistol Whipped. No, it is not true. Pistol Whipped was the special kind of movie that the more things sucked about it, the better it was. If you know Sid, you understand. Anyway, this was completely due to the genius that is Steven Segal. The man stared in and produced this beauty. This saved the film because if Segal wasn't in charge of himself, he couldn't have talked like his illegitimate brother, Biggie Smalls, for the entire movie. He would have been ordered to redo his lines so you wouldn't have to turn subtitles on to watch the movie. He wouldn't have saved the production all that money on lights because any shot of Segal with his face in proper light would have made any viewer vomit. He didn't have to lose weight, as no other producer alive would have allowed him to be filmed boated and waddling around the set. Like we said, we loved Pistol Whipped. It's the cinematic equivalent of drinking heavily. You're confused throughout, you might not remember much, you may well vomit, and afterwards you feel hungover. But, did you enjoy the experience? Absolutely. Would you do it again? For sure. So, on the word of us, Sid the Elf, get a fifth of Pistol Whipped and turn it up. It always goes down smooth.
Segal stars as Matt(no last name given at all how great is that?) who is a degenerate gambler who never won. He's also a fall down drunk who has ballooned to roughly 415 since his days as a rouge cop. See, Segal used to play rouge cops, now he's playing washed-up rouge cops. Just like he used to be a movie star, now he's a washed-up movie star. So, our main character spends his days drinking cheap whiskey right from the bottle and eating Manwich straight from the can. Frankly, Sid was not sure if this part of the film was scripted or if they just shot a day at Segal's house. Then the thought dawned on us: if it wasn't scripted, Segal wouldn't have had clothes on.
Stealing a page straight from the Death Wish 3 playbook, Segal was offered to have a favor done for him if he killed someone. So, in order to have his gambling debts wiped off the books, Segal had to kill the coach from He Got Game, who was playing a mafioso. He also set the all-time record for saying "honest to God" 328 times in his only scene in the film which lasted like 6 minutes. Good times. Obviously Segal kills him, but this time he did it fashionably. Segal meets up with the coach at a restaurant, and clearly couldn't just take out the mobster without taking out his henchmen too. One of those henchmen got a fork through the hand. That's right, Death Ring style, baby! That's like an instant 3 stars anytime someone reminds Sid of the legendary Denton Vachs. Now the people who agreed to pay Matt the panda's debt don't let up and force Segal to kill more poeple. Shocker!
They want Segal to kill his ex-wife's new husband who is a cop. Supposedly, the guy is dirty, but we don't see that. We only see that he's great with Segal's daughter, including the touching scene when Segal can't spend the day with his daughter and the step-father berates Segal for being too drunk to hang out with the girl...again. Hilarious even if it wasn't the case (Segal was being forced to go on a hit assignment that day). But, then we see the stepdad kill the priest(don't ask, it's not important just know that stepdad is a baaad man). And, the movie wraps up with a showdown at the priest's funeral. It was Segal vs. the stapdad. Sid must say, this was one of the better shootouts in recent memory. Of course, Segal won. The cool part about the ending was Segal asked Stepdad, "Do you want to be buried or cremated?" before he killed him to which Stepdad answered, "Buried." Then, Segal blows him up and says, "You're cremated now, m'f'er!" Awesome!
We, Sid the Elf, know that it may seem like we were very negative about Pistol Whipped. No, it is not true. Pistol Whipped was the special kind of movie that the more things sucked about it, the better it was. If you know Sid, you understand. Anyway, this was completely due to the genius that is Steven Segal. The man stared in and produced this beauty. This saved the film because if Segal wasn't in charge of himself, he couldn't have talked like his illegitimate brother, Biggie Smalls, for the entire movie. He would have been ordered to redo his lines so you wouldn't have to turn subtitles on to watch the movie. He wouldn't have saved the production all that money on lights because any shot of Segal with his face in proper light would have made any viewer vomit. He didn't have to lose weight, as no other producer alive would have allowed him to be filmed boated and waddling around the set. Like we said, we loved Pistol Whipped. It's the cinematic equivalent of drinking heavily. You're confused throughout, you might not remember much, you may well vomit, and afterwards you feel hungover. But, did you enjoy the experience? Absolutely. Would you do it again? For sure. So, on the word of us, Sid the Elf, get a fifth of Pistol Whipped and turn it up. It always goes down smooth.
Click here for movie trailer:
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