Thursday, October 2, 2008

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory: 5 out of 5 stars

Instead of wearing an apron that says "Kiss the Cook," Seagal's says "Kiss the Rings B***h."- October 2,2008

For several months we have been searching every video store in hopes of finding Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, only to come up short time and time again. We even checked every $5 bin with exhaustion. The only thing we could come across was Under Siege which we have already watched/reviewed/loved but never it's b counterpart #2. So this past Sunday after a nice day of NFL action half of Sid was poking around his local blockbuster when something magnificent happend. Looking through some videos for sale revealed a copy of Under Siege 2 for the glorious price of $3.99. Just looking at the cover gives you the feeling that you're in for some of the finest action b you will ever grace your eyes upon. You have Seagal who is hanging from a moving train with one hand, his piece in the other, and all the rear cars on fire some a sweet explosion. The only thing that could have made the cover better was if you had a zombie Busey (since he died in the first one) hanging on behind Seagal. But since we didn't have a horror-action here that wasn't in the cards.
Our story picks up with now retired Navy chef Casey Ryback working as a cook at the Mile High Cafe in Denver Colorado ($100 says Seagal begged the producers to call it the Mile High Club). Ryback has decided he wants to take his niece Sarah (Katherine Heigl) on a little vacation to LA which she doesn't seem happy about at all. Instead of being happy to spend some time with uncle Seagal she's pissed because he and her father hadn't talked in years. He gives her some song and dance and all of a sudden she loves him again. Within a 2 minute span she goes from hating him to hugging him saying how happy she is to see him. Typical woman. Now that all is well in the Ryback family they hop aboard the train to meet their uncle Tom porter Bobby Zachs (Morris Chestnut) who has the hots for Sarah. That however soon changed when he tries to make a move on her and she grabs his hand flipping him over in quite the hilarious scene. She says she learned her sweet ninja moves from her uncle as the movie takes b to new heights. From the non stop corny dialogue within the first 20 minutes the film was already up to 2 stars.

Once the train gets moving we see a couple shady characters that you knew would be the hijackers. Travis Dane and his crew stand up with their guns and alert everyone they are taking control of the train. Who hijackes a train? We're pretty sure the last time a train was hijacked or robbed was in the 1920's, but Dane must be a man of tradition. We soon find out that 2 of the passengers on the train hold the secret passwords to control a top-secret government weapon of mass destruction. He makes them cough up the codes by nearly burning their eyes out with some device, which Santa told us all about when he burst in half way through the film. Anyway, once he gets the codes he throws both of them off the moving train down the side of a mountain. Fantastic! Now Dane hacks into the government database taking conrtol of the weapon. He starts going nuts blowing up various building all over the world. In fact the scene of the destroyed industrial facility in China recycles unused footage from On Deadly Ground (1994). In On Deadly Ground, it's the burning Aegis Oil facility. Another star for reused footage.

As the choas continues they find out the universally feared Casey Ryback is on the train. They find his niece and take her hostage to lure Ryback into their clutches. Unfortunate for them Ryback is already on his way killing any of their crew in his path with help from the porter. Ryback is able to unattach part of the cart with a lot of the hostages so they won't have to witness Rybacks sureal ninja moves rendering them speechless. We have some crazy fights scenes in which Seagal hangs off the side of a mountain with 1 hand yet manages to kill 2 guys. Don't ask. And he winds up taking out every villian, saving the pentagon, and his niece. Good thing the government left the fate of the world in Seagals hands by saying "Rybacks on that train? Leave it to him."

Under Siege 2 was well worth the wait. We would give it more then 5 stars if we could. It has everything you will ever need in an action movie. Expect explosions, hilarious sped up martial arts, neck snapping, arm breakings, train jumping, borat looking villan, non stop one liners, rock scailing, knife fighting, and a ton of casualties by the hands of a semi slender pre ponytailed Seagal. If you haven't seen this one and you enjoy our reviews go and pick it up. Do it Now! You'll even get to hear Seagal say "Nobody beats me in the kitchen!"

No comments: