Tuesday, June 3, 2008

FORCED VENGEANCE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

Less than 5 stars for Chuck just because he couldn't say "Shut up dumbass, you didn't score. I scored with both of them." , June 3, 2008

1982 was a big year for Chuck Norris. He released two terribly awesome or awesomely terrible movies. One was Silent Rage. The other is the reason your pal, Sid the Elf, has ended his Spring hiatus--Forced Vengeance. Also 1982 is the year in which a hairy chest and a blond mullet crested as the sign of masculine virility. What is not a sign of masculine virility, however, is having a tailor-made chance to have a hot fugitive threesome with a buxom blond and a dark beauty and not getting it done. Shame on you, Chuck. Really, that was the only thing Sid could find wrong with Forced Vengeance. I know it was 1982, but that could have broken down the barrier. We could have B action stars having orgies all over the place by now.

So, instead of something more aptly titled, "Unforced Entrance," we got "Forced Vengeance." And that's just fine with Sid. It is a Chuck Norris movie set in Hong Kong, after all. Chuck plays Josh Randall--no, not John Rambo, Josh Randall. He's a one-man security force for the Lucky Dragon casino, which was founded by Randall's longtime friend Sam Pacal and is now run by Sam's son, David. Early in the film we see Randall's whipping prowess. He goes to collect a $115k gambling debt and simply destroys the gamblers henchman. But we also see his gentle side when he chastises David for making a dishonest dealer walk through the casino bareassed. After a sexy...a time with his girlfriend Carrie, Norris gets back to the casino just in time to thwart a robbery with devastating barrages of roundhouse kicks that never come close to anyone.

Later, at Sam's house, David tells his father about a merger offer of sorts from Stan Raimondi. Raimondi is supposedly the leader of a crime syndicate and he wants to offer "protection" to the Lucky Dragon, but really he just wants to be there to see more bareassed dealers. So, Randall, Sam, and David go to see Raimondi. Raimondi offers Randall a job in an extremely awkward exchange Randall tells him, "Thanks, but no thanks." Raimondi replies, "I'm not a man who hears no very often." And just as one half Sid was saying to the other "Wanna hear it again?" Norris comes out with it. That's why we love the guy, he delivers. Norris then has a near run-in with Raimondi's goon, the second cousin of the "You talk too much" guy from Death Ring. This scene is important for many reasons, none more than than Norris spouts his favorite line in the movie again "Yeah, that's right" which is an old favorite of Santa himself. Randall then goes to Sam's only to find him and David murdered. The only one left in the family now is Joy, Sam's other kid, and the dark beauty mentioned above. So, Norris takes her and Carrie to a perfect rent by the hour motel complete with Asian Santa working the front desk. If ever there was an opportunity for Chuck to shoot the 3, this was it. But, no. Instead they go to see Laurence Fishburne's brother, Laurence Fishburne. This guy is an old friend who gives Chuck a sweet piece. And they have one hell of a look between them through which the sexual tension gushes. Chuck leaves the chicks with LeRoy Nicely--that's really the guys name--to track down some leads on Sam and David's killer. When he returns to Nate's(it totally sounded like Norris kept calling Nicely Nate, sending Sid into a frenzy every time) he finds Nicely badly beaten and Carrie raped and killed with Joy virtually unharmed by Raimondi's goon, Kam.

Holy Turbo Time. Now this is true: Chuck puts on his old Army uniform because he's going Commando. Oh! But, seriously, he's going on a mission to take out everyone involved in the Osirus syndicate. He takes out Raimondi by hanging him off the side of a yacht even though the noose had a good foot of room around his neck. It's a beautiful thing. Also in this sequence, Norris fights a guy who was the insiration for Robin Williams's portrayal of Popeye. Then he goes to get it on with the real head of Osirus, an old man in a wheelchair who is happily watching Tom and Jerry. Of course, he's flanked by Killer Kam. Yep, it's time for the last showdown. There is a horrifically delivered line by Kam, furthering the suspicion that he is the Asian Frankenstein. So, he and Chuck fight it out. Kam is legitimately whooping Chuck, but it's Chuck. He always manages to impossibly pull off the improbable. In honor of the end of Sid's Spring Break, you're getting drive-in totals. We knew you'd be thrilled.

18 roundhouse kicks

2 roundhouse kicks that actually looked like they landed

7 "Yeah, that's right" utterances by Might U.S. Warlord Premier Norris

7 1/2 breasts including Norris'

1 Popeye look-a-like

1 Asian Santa

13 "Your car thirsty, Chuck?"/Nate jokes

6 "Aren't you Laurence Fishburne's brother, Laurence Fishburne?"/Family Guy refrences

1 awful bathroom brawl. And...

...213 tough one-liners by the king of the one-liners, Chuck Norris!
Click here for movie trailer:

No comments: