Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Faculty: 3 out of 5 Stars

An instant star was given for the appearance of Mr Krueger, August 30, 2008

Checking out this film came with much hesitation knowing Usher and Josh Hartman were two of the major players. In that awful era when "Scream" and "I Know What you did Last Summer" ruled the box office it appeared like we may have yet another corny high school horror flick with the token black guy (usher) and a gang of pathetic white kids being picked off one by one. However some investigating proved otherwise once many of the reviews seemed to be positive. So all in all it now seemed like we may have an interesting little sci-fi flick on our hands, kind of like the Breakfast Club on acid, and decided to give it a shot.

We start off with a hilarious scene while coach Joe Willis (Robert Patrick aka liquid guy from T-2) is having a huge meltdown at the lacluster performance of his high school squad during practice. He flips some bench over and sends all the kids packing for the day when he starts messing with the sprinkler when he is approached by an unseen character. Later that evening a couple teachers are closing up the school when one forgets her keys and runs back in to be met by coach Joe acting real wierd. He's looking at her with the "I wanna wrestle you so freaking bad face" and she's freaked out. He starts saying wierd stuff then rams a pencil through her hand sending her to run frantically. She winds up getting out locking in coach only to be iced by the teacher she was just walking out with. Now we get the feeling some strange stuff is going down. From here we cut away to the faculty lounge the following day where Mr. Krueger is one of the teachers, which earns an automatic star, accompanied by John Stuart, Selma Hayek, and couple other familiar faces. As they're in there they notice coach chuging down water like he trying to beat an upcoming drug test and wonder what his deal is. As the film rolls on the teachers begin to act more bizarre each day causing the kids to wonder. These kids consist of Zeke Tyler (Josh Hartman), Casey Connor (Elijah Wood), and a few others. Hartman plays an ultra tough druggie and Elijah plays a nerd who gets his ass kicked everyday, which when can only assume was an easy role for him to get used to. While in science teacher John Stuarts class one day they come across some creature that seems to grow in water and can duplicate itself at will. This soon becomes the creatures that are inhabiting inside the teachers causing them to spread this alien virus through the teaching staff and student body. Even Usher turned into one of them and becomes an animal on the football field sending nearly the entire opposing team to the locker room with plenty of injuries. Pretty inpressive from the same guy that created the song You Got it Bad.

So at this point Zeke, Casey, and the other four realize what is going on and discover some of hartmans drugs are the only way to stop these creatures. Apparently they don't do lines of china white on their planet an instantly OD which they are injected with it. This then is how the remaining students try to take down the entire school which is now all alien. One by one people become infected, even a few in their little click leaving only Casey in charge of saving the world. Yeah great, the guy that gets his head stuffed in the toilet everyday is in charge on stopping the invasion. Despite his fruityness he actually comes through and saves the entire world. Also somehow everyone turns back into their normal selves and all become even better then what they were before. Druggie Hartman becomes part of the football team, coach turns back into a non-homicidal lunatic, Elijah becomes the hero and an instant stud, and Krueger goes back to his position at Krueger industrial smoothing.

After viewing this one we were pleasantly suprised. We were expecting the same slasher type crap but got to enjoy a decent sci-fi effort which is always nice. The special effects were even pretty cool as far as the aliens went. Our only gripe was the ending was super B but that is to be expected with flick from that era. Overall The Faculty would be worth checking out if you're in the mood for some sci-fi high school action.

Knock, Knock: 1 out of 5 stars

Even in the world of B horror this one scrapes the bottom of the stocking, August 30, 2008

At this point in our movie reviewing careers you should be well aware that we are huge supporters of the low budget b community. Far from being movie snobs we seek out some of the finest b efforts ever made. There really is nothing better then popping in a movie that promises to be so bad it's good. The kind of film that tries so hard to be official but falls so short of the mark sending any of it's actors directly into porn never to be heard from again. That's our business, that's what we do. On the flip side of this love also comes a lot pain. The pain comes from sitting through movies like out title feature of the night "Knock, Knock." Seeing that the name of the production company was Ariola Productions. Inc. kind of gave it away that we were in for a real disaster. The only saving grace for this one was the cover which appeared as if it may pack some real horror punch but just wound up being largely misleading.

The film starts off in typical B horror fashion as a young smoking hot chick is home alone wearing very skimpy clothes when she hears a knock at the door. She goes to answer and nobody is there, yeah big suprise. After she shuts the door it happens again and again until she finally runs out and challenges whoever is doing the knocking. Since nobody calls her out on the challenge she hops back into the house where she devises the master plan of shutting the door then looking through the peep hole to finally catch the trickster. As she has her face up on the door a hand busts through and she gets killed. Maybe if she had a reverse peephole like Kramer she would have lived but in this case she bites it. Now the film switches gears to a group of high school d bags who you really want to see get wacked. The one girl who is apparently the main character has an ex-cop grandfather who all of a sudden wants to be part of her life. He follows her around everywhere begging her to let him in with some of the most hilarious dialogue to ever grace film since The Final Sacrifice. This old guy has the most entertaining Italiano accent which led us to believe this film must have been shot in Jersey. The way this guy talked you just knew it. When it comes to Italian American stereotypes this guy had it all and earned the film 1/2 of it's one star. The other 1/2 comes from our suspected killer who had to be the winner of a Gene Simmons look a like contest at some point in his life. He is the janitor of the high school and seems to be a few bricks short of a load if you know what we mean. He lives at home still with his mother, cleans the school durning the day, and moonlights as a serial killer. Oh and on the weekend we suspect he leads a b version of a kiss cover band. Now that weve had a couple murders we are introduced to the police detective who will crack the case. She's a blonde with a huge rack playing the most unrealistic detective the world as ever seen. She winds up tracking down the retired gumba grandpa cop at a local dive bar and gets him to help track down this killer before his granddaughter winds up getting killed. Somehow they are lead to believe that Gene Simmons brother, Gene Simmons is in charge of the murder and decide to pay him a visit. They arrive during the most bizarre scenes of the film when retarted Gene is actually playing the guitar in his bedroom. He is waering a tie dye shirt watching himself play his axe in the mirror while he laughs. It was so funny at first until it kept going on to the point of becoming disturbing. The scene lasts for about 10 of the strangest minutes of our lives until detective juggs and retired detective gramps bust into his room and brake up the one man concert. As his mother, who sounds a lot like Mrs. Costanza, yells at the detectives they try to question him about the murders. All he says is "I didn't do nothin" in yet another Jersey accent and they bring him down to the station. Finally Gene explains that when he was a kid he had a friend who a bunch of the jocks accidentally killed. They locked him in a casket and a fire broke out causing his friend to roast alive. Gene held on to all this anger and decides to start picking off young people who had nothing to do with the murder years ago. And thats that. There your movie in a nutshell. Be thankful we just saved you money if you planned on picking this one up.

As far as horror/b horror goes this one was just horrible. It did have a few moments but they were just laughs from the fantastic Jersey accents and the Gene Simmons look a like. The only way we will suggest checking this one out is if it comes on tv late one night and you have absolutely nothing better to do. However you will need to think of it more as a comedy then anything else.

Click here for movie trailer:

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Werewolf: 4 out of 5 Stars

Even Joe Estevez realized how awful this film was by running off the set after just 30 minutes, August 26, 2008

In the world of B horror films there are so many disasters available that sometimes it just gets hard to pick one worth watching. For the most part the films available now are usually very disapointing even when you're looking for something really bad. There is an art to this. The entire logic behind what we do is to find films that are so bad they're funny, not just to find bad films with nothing to offer. So when we're in a pinch we look to the always hilarious MST3k series to provide us with some of the worst films available with just the right amount of commentary to make them watchable. This time we picked up a film titled Werewolf starring one of our favorite B icons Joe Estevez.

We start our film somewhere in Arizona as a group of archaeologists who came equipped with untraceable accents uncover an odd looking skeleton. They come to find that the remains belong to a werewolf which somehow starts one of the most hilarious fight scenes ever with not one connecting punch and more sound effects then any Chuck Norris movie. As the two diggers go back and forth in their poorly staged dry hump session Joe Estevez and his denim shirt step in to end the commotion. Unfortunately the one digger cuts himself on the werewolf skeleton as they rolled on the ground causing him to rapidly change in the course of about 25 mins. As some collect the skeleton and bring it back to the lab Joe and a couple others bring the injured guy to the hospital. One of the archeologists Yuri decides to bust into the hospital and inject the poor guy with some werewolf juice turning him into full blown wolfman who for some reason looks more like a bat then anything else. He breaks loose and goes back to the dig in search of his crew until he is gunned down by Joe. After Joe looks at what he shot, which now looks like a guy in a halloween gorilla costume and not a bat, he takes off running never to be seen again in the film. There is no explination of why we never see him again, but it kind of goes with the confusing theme of this film.

The story now shifts with no explination as some guy named Paul comes into town and rents out a room from this character named Sam that looks like an x member of zz-top in full army fatigues. He answers the door with his shotgun telling Paul he has to be ready it in case of a werewolf attack. For some reason Paul just chuckles and decides living under the same roof as a gun toting army veteran who fears a wolfman invasion is completely normal. While living in the house he comes across a roomate named Natalie who is an archaeologist and the love interest of the evil Yuri. She dicides to bring Paul into their lab where he meets Yuri who picks a fight with him. As we witness our second girl fight of the evening we watch Paul and Yuri wrestle each other around throwing even gayer punches then in the first brawl. Seconds befor Yuri is caught with the front he holds up the werewolf skull which cuts Paul and sends Natalie into a panic knowing the what the outcome will be. Once home later that evening a full moon blooms turning Paul into the crazed wolfman. From this point on we get to see some horific metamorphasis scenes where he turns from mere man to mere man in gorilla costume and terrorizes the townspeople. Then Paul finally exacts his revenge on Yuri taking his life and we see that Natalie is also now a werewolf in one of the most B endings ever. On it's own this film would have been a disaster. There still would have been some laughs but the MST3k dialogue really helped out. Now throughout this films there were a couple strange occurrences that forced us to seek out some answers. We wondered why Joe Estevez just disappeared in the first 30 mins and why the guy Yuri's hair continue to change color and shape throughout the film? After some research it appears the film kept running out of their budget and filmed over several years. So it appears Joe was to busy filming Money to Burn to come back and there wasn't enough money to spring for some hair dye to keep Yuri looking the same as he did when they first started shooting years earlier. Just hilarious! To wrap this one up we're going to leave you with some more hilarious facts behind Werewolf:

1) Uri's hair color and style changes constantly throughout the film with no explanation.

2) Nathalie's "Russian" accent changes constantly throughout the film. At one point, in the bar with Yuri, she speaks in a clear Southern accent.

3) During Yuri's fight with the three guys in the desert, his sunglasses appear on his face between shots.

4) During Yuri's excavation of the Werewolf skeleton, the object in Yuri's hand changes from a pickaxe to a brush to nothing at all from shot to shot.

5) When Paul goes on his rampage out of the bar, he knocks out a man as soon as he exits. When the camera comes in for a close shot of the man, you can clearly see the shadow of the camera operator on the man's shirt and also the camera operator kicking the man.

6) When Paul is chasing after the girl in the jeep, after she "falls" in the mud, the girl screams. However, reading her lips clearly shows that she is saying, "Oh my god!"

7) When the "Girl in Jeep" runs away from the werewolf, her dress is already muddy just before she reaches the mud puddle.

8) The nighttime scenes are obviously daytime scenes shot through a blue filter.

9) During the driving scene where Yuri follows the security guard/werewolf, both drivers pass the same gas station twice. Also, Yuri turns the steering wheel like he is making sharp turns when he is driving straight.

10) When the girl in the jeep is running from the werewolf, you can clearly hear both her own screams and a separate voice that is screaming. This second screaming voice was clearly pre-recorded and was put on the audio track.

11) During the scene where Paul first turns into a werewolf, an establishing shot of the house exterior shows that it is nighttime. Inside Paul's room, it is sunset.

12) It is never explained how Natalie becomes a werewolf at the end.

Click here for movie trailer:

Monday, August 25, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

Hey kids it's everyone's favorite time of the week! This clip was a fantastic find as it stars 2 of Sid's favorite B icons; Chuck Norris and Billy Drago, yes the same Billy Drago from Death Ring. They must have had some amazing on screen chemistry since they followed up this one with the classic Delta Force 2: Operation Stronghold. It seems they tried their hand at another horror type film with Norris as he takes on the boss from Happy Gilmore. This one looks hilarious, it's straight from the 80's, and it will definately be reviewed by the Sid duo in the near future.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Out for a Kill: 1 out of 5 Stars

The Obese Downward Spiral Continues from Steven "Panda Bear" Seagal, August 15, 2008

We'd have to say this effort from Seagal feels like it us below the belt. It's quite apparent that many years of chini buffet and boatloads of wild turkey chased with busch beer have not been good to the old boy Steve. Half the time when he's on the screen we can't tell if it's him or an equally obese stunt double until he begins to speak. The things that come out of his mouth are so muffled by his cheek fat that they're nearly inaudible and most likely not part of the english language, or any language for that matter. Once you do find a sentence or two you can understand you'll wish you didn't. In Out for a Kill this is just about all there is to find. The extreme lack of action is so overshadowed by the bizzare dialogue that you really aren't sure whether to turn it off or not. It's almost hypnotic but in a very very bad way.

Out for a Kill begins with Archeology Professor Robert Burns (Seagal), yeah he seriously plays an archaeologist, as he is heading up a dig in Eastern Chini. We suspect he was searching for prehistoric egg rolls but come to find he is there to discover someancient Chinese artifacts. In tubby's findings he sees that the Chinese mafia is smuggling drugs inside these artifacts which naturally he makes his business pissing off a bunch of chinese maniacs. They wind up killing Seagals assistant and planting the drugs on him while crossing the border sending him to prison where his only call will be spent dialing a 976 number or the overeaters anonymous hotline. While in jail nothing cool happens. There is not one prison fight, no escape attempt, or anything you expect from a typical action packed Seagal session. All you get to watch is a pathetic overweight archaeologist/washed up actor as he ponders better times where he didn't have to walk sideways to fit through a doorway. After a couple days the DEA decides Seagal will be a great value in bringing down the Chinese mafia and let him loose. Now that he is out the Chinise mob has a price out on his head and also has threatened the life of his wife. This sends Seagal into panic mode where he must unlease the inner beast. The only trouble is the inner beast put on 207 extra pounds which make it's fury a bit sluggish. The one scene that stands out is when Seagal busts into a barber shop where he unloads of a few Chinese guys until they send out their secret weapon. It's some little guy that moves really odd yet very similar to Tang from Journey to the West. This guy soars through the air, climbs up and down walls, and does all these obsurd things sending the film to new hieghts of martial arts B. As much a the human panda tries to catch him he just can't. Tang is way to quick and Seagal is just too damn fat. After minutes that feel like hours go by Seagal grabs a sheet and wraps the little guy up then snaps his neck. Following this we get a few more hilarious fight scenes as he climbs the ladder to get to the mob leader. Despite his chubby nature Seagal still single handedly takes down the Chinise Mafia making him yet again a great American hero.

After this one we just kind of looked at each other wondering what is happening to Seagal. The guy has always been laughable, even in his early really decent efforts, but now it's just getting sad. This one appears to be the start of the downfall where he starting pumping out film after film just to earn some extra dough to pay off his huge escort service bill. Now despite the extreme panning of this one in no way, shape, or form will we stay away from Seagals films. We still have about 130 to go and plan on watching and reviewing them all no matter how bad they get. We're professionals and will not back down from any B no matter what the cost.

Click here for movie trailer:

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

It's a very rare occurence to come across and unintentional comedy comedy. Usually a comedic film goes off of laughs from actual funny material as opposed to laughs from the sh** times acting and poor budget. This one is catagorized and as "comedy" but is actual an unintentional comedy featuring the one and only Mike Norris. Yes the outcast son of screen legend and our personal hero Chuck "The Hitman" Norris. This one looks so beyond bad we're not even sure if we can find it for sale in this country. Possible a Pathmark overseas may have it in their 5 euros bin next to the candies that Santa always pretends to put the nickle in and take 12 handfuls of. Judging from the title it appears they tried to make it an action movie then 1/4 of the way through realized what a pile they were sitting on and decided to call it a comedy. It's known as Survival Game and can't even be found anywhere on Amazon. Now thats a new level of sorry.

Deep from Inside the Vault

Today is such a proud day for us. We've stumbled across a clip that is considered one of the origins of Sid the Elf. It took place roughly 14 years ago on a brisk winters night. While we sat on the floor in front of the tv with a few choice snaks, Santa had the window open inviting chilling winds in as he fell in and out of his slumber. As we flipped the channels looking for a flick with nudity we found something so much better that would stay with us forever. We only saw it that one night and never could find it again, UNTIL NOW. It was an amazing show on HBO called "Hardcore TV" and only aired for one season. This specific skit is called The Three Pervy Bears which was found on the segment of the show Fairytales from the Darkside. Enjoy this rare fantastic clip.

ROAD HOUSE 5.0 out of 5 stars

In Road House Patrick Swayze is just a big hairy American winning machine, August 13, 2008

Road House is an 80's movie that orbits around the sun that is the art of bouncing. And it stars a man named Swayze. How did it possibly take us, Sid the Elf, this long to review this perfect flick. This movie has everything: The right star at the right point in his career with the right wavy mullet. The perfect plot, the perfect villains, everything just clicked. It remains the best example of big-budget B. It wasn't a success by conventional standards. But, is there another movie that makes you stop flicking channels for at least a minute every one of the 250,000 times it's on every week, or is that just us? Sid's theory on Road House: It was an experiment to see if B could ever resonate with a mainstream audience(because of its Swayze Power). Or maybe the crazy head of some studio said "You know what? I feel like making the ultimate 1989 guy movie. And if I get lucky, it will hold up terribly over time, and in 20 years it will be called 'One of the best action B movies ever,' by Sid the Elf. Well, congratulations Crazy Head of Some Studio. Road House is one of the best action B movies ever.

Now, Sid would never mislead you. Road House does star a Swayze, but it's Patrick unfortunately, not Don. Don's brother plays Dalton, the best cooler in the South. What is a cooler you ask? Well, from what we gathered, it's like a bouncer coordinator. But apparently, it also entails doing lots of Tai Chi shirtless but with skin-tight chick's sweatpants. Anyway, Tilghman(the fat wussy guy who owns the Double Deuce) lures Swayze away from his current bar to come to Jasper, Missouri to be the cooler at the Double Deuce. This begs the first of many, many questions in the film: If Tilghman is enough of a high roller to throw enough money at Dalton to get him to work at the Double Deuce, why on Earth did he buy a bar in Jasper, MO that is such a dump that they have to put chicken wire in front of the band to protect them from all the beer bottles they get thrown at them? Let Sid save you some time, don't ask questions. Just sit back and ride the B wave. So, that's Dalton's situation. He now is the cooler at the worst kind of dive bar. We mentioned the chicken wire, there are huge brawls every night, and apparently people occasionally wind up getting iced at the DD. Why don't we ever hear Jasper mentioned with Compton, West Baltimore and the like? Oh, because they got Dalton. That's right. At this point we're let in on Dalton's routine when moving to a new town. He rolls in in a sweet Benz convertible, but then he buys the goofiest old car he can find and uses that instead. He needs a place to stay right? And he clearly has a nice amount of cash. So of course he lives above Mike Pipper's barn for $100 a month. Just for the record, Mike Pipper's real name is Emmett and the exchange he has with Dalton when they first meet is too good to be true. You will feel embarrassed for the characters when you watch it, it's inevitable. Dalton goes to the Double D to see what it's like first hand. He's got a badass rep, because people start whispering about him when they find out who he is. Maybe they weren't sure if he really existed, like Bigfoot. Now Dalton meets his bouncing crew, which includes Terry Funk, who Dalton inexplicably fires telling him he should go to barber college. We didn't get it, either. Terry Funk could have just cross-face chicken winged every barfly that got out of line. But, the fact that a third-tier WCW wrestler was in the movie, adds at least 1 star automatically.

Now that Dalton has his crew set, and the ground rules laid down, it's time to clean up the DD. Of course, that's not going to be easy, Dalton is going to have to kick a butt or 20 in order to accomplish this, especially after he pisses off Brad Wesley by firing one of Wesley's relatives. Wesley is a real big shot in Jasper. He mentions at one point that he brought many businesses to town including JC Penny and 7-11. Well, we have to give him lots of credit for the 7-11. This guy has a stable of goons that he sends to the DD to mess with Dalton and kick his butt. Oh, did we mention that Wesley looks just like Handsome Dan's dad? Cuz that's kinda important. In one of these fights, Dalton gets sliced with a knife. He has to go to the hospital, and his doctor is Kerri Coughlin from Cocktail. Dalton is so used to getting scraped up in bar fights he carries his medical file with him(did he steal it with the help of Dr. Van Nostrand?)and it may or may not include his resume because the Doc comments on Dalton graduating from NYU in Philosophy. He's also is so used to injuries that he refuses local anesthesia before getting his knife wound stapled with the timeless gem, "Pain don't hurt." Dalton continues to have trouble with Wesley. We find out that Dalton's woman(Doc) is Wesley's old flame, which really makes him nuts. But Dalton gets some help. His mentor, Wade Garrett(Sam Elliot) comes to the DD(which he labels the Double Douche) to show Dalton what he'll look like in 25 years and scare him into quitting the glamorous life of being a cooler. When Garrett sees the terror Wesley inflicts on the town and the power of Wesley's henchman, Billy Ray Cyrus's little brother and #12 Jim Kelly, he implores Dalton to get out of town. But Dalton doesn't listen. Westley's goons go to the DD and find Garrett there alone. They kill him, they leave the knife in the guy with a note under it, signifying some goofy thing Wesley said to Dalton in an earlier phone conversation. Then, the goons burn down Dalton's buddy Red's store, including an awesome explosion, and they burn down Emmett's barn and Dalton's sweet bootytime tin roof.

Ok B fans. If you really know your stuff, you know at this point, it's showdown time. Dalton has to get it on with Wesley. But first, he has to go through the top henchman. See, Road House sticks right with the B blueprint. The top henchman is Jimmy. Lots of thought went into that one. He looks really fruity, hanging earring and all, he even gave Dalton an uber gay "come here" gesture at one point. Anyway, he and Dalton start to brawl, and Jimmy is kind of whupping butt and he's even talking some smack(e.g."Damn, boy. I thought you were good."). And suddenly, Jimmy says to Dalton, "I used to f--- guys like you in prison." WTF! Where did that come from? A lesser man would have been totally creeped out and thrown off his game. But, not Dalton. He snaps Jimmy's leg and rips his throat out! Awesome. It was even better the 2 times we watched it in slow mo. But, Doc gives Dalton the business for killing Jimmy. So now Dalton has to go after Wesley. Before he can get to him, though, he knocks a huge stuffed polar bear onto Uncle John(the really fat henchman). Handsome Dan Sr. has got a lot of guts, Sid must say. He just watched Dalton rip a guy's throat out, then he tells him, "I've always wanted to fight you Dalton." They start to go at it, fight we mean, and Dalton has Wesley pinned and he sees himself in the mirror. He is repulsed by the violent image he sees and is obviously thinking about Doc's disapproval. So he gets up and starts walking away, giving Wesley a great opportunity to kill him. The lesson, as always, women ruin everything. But, Dalton gets lucky. All the people Wesley has screwed over in the town all show up together at the exact second Dalton needs them to and they each shoot Wesley, killing him as Doc and Dalton look on, stunned. By now, the cops are arriving at the scene. There's a corpse that has been shot roughly 5 times, 8 other people in the room, 5 of whom have guns right in their hands, and a guy trapped under a large stuffed polar bear. Naturally, the cops are going to conduct a lengthy investigation, interrogate everyone in the room, and possibly arrest everyone right? Well, when the cops ask what happened, they got 7 "I didn't see anything" and one "A polar bear fell on me." Everyone has a chuckle, including the cops. Ok, case closed. And...scene. Yup, that's all she wrote. The movie ends.

Road House is a perfectly crafted B classic. It's got everything you can ask for, right down to the cheesy Dukes of Hazard ending. They even threw in some pretty sweet explosions for the hardcore B fans. The only things missing were cameos by Don Swayze and Jim Kelly's hair right after he took off his helmet. And the tagline was a little off. It was originally, "It's last call...for action!" Don't get us wrong, that's extremely B. But Sid likes to switch things up. We're changing the tagline to, "Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise." However, we did really enjoy Swayze's performance, surprisingly. Sid feels that B is just in the Swayze blood. Patrick delivered his 784 tough one-liners with Segal-like intensity, a must in a B classic. The flick also had more than enough people to make fun of. But there are two things that make Road House stand out from other B to make it a first-ballot hall of fame B. One, there are more Double Deuces and Dalton's Mullets out there as names of fantasy football teams than you can count. Also, this movie is on somewhere every minute of every day, we're convinced. Sid will even get sucked in and watch 5-10 minutes of it when it's on Telemundo. But, possibly the greatest thing about Road House is the fact that Sam Elliot and Patrick Swayze can forever say, "We invented the tough but still pretty're welcome."
Click here for movie trailer:

Saturday, August 9, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

This weeks pick was pretty simple after a brief viewing. First off it actually seemed a little creepy but also very B. It's a horror flick called Superstition from 1985 which appears to have a little Amityville horror/Ghost Story vibe going on. What really made this one stick out was the apparent hero of the film who looks exactly like Danny Tanner. If we see a movie with a Bob Sagat look a like there's no way we're passing it up.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Screaming for Sanity: 3 out of 5 Stars

Tim Ritter takes a leave from his graveyard shift at Wal-Mart to produce Screaming for Sanity- August 8, 2008

It was the year of 1994 when Sid was exposed to his first venture into the world of the Truth or Dare Saga. We strolled into a local video store looking for a nice horror flick when we came across something that looked so B it just had to be done. Once we reached to counter the guy took one look at the film and said "I don't know what this is and how it got in here" but luckily he rented it out to us. The next couple hours went down in history opening our eyes to possibly the worst film ever known to man. It made The Final Sacrifice look like a Martin Scorsese oscar winning masterpiece, which naturally leads us to this weeks review. We found out that the very unknown writer/producer Tim Ritter slapped together his third installment of this disastrous saga and we just had to torture ourselves one more time.
Screaming for Sanity leaves off where the last mess ended with the copper masked madman sitting at a table with Tim Ritter accompanied by his 3 ft mullet and Dr. Dan Hess(Joel D. Wynkoop) talking about playing a game of truth or dare. It's sounds all a bit homo-erotic to us but it doesn't matter anyway. So now the coppermasked killer is on the loose again and Dr. Dan Hess has to bring him to justice. The film literally just jumps from scene to scene with no explanations of whats going on. All you get to see is the copper headed monster taking out a few dead beats in Florida and the robust Dr. Dan chasing him around like Sid chases women with a pink turkey baster. Now despite the zero plot situation there were some really hilarious scenes that allowed us to keep the movie running instead of cutting it off early for a couple boards of Sonic. Two memorable moments were: 1) When the killer breaks into someones house (who has a Rumplestilksen poster) and kills him with a bottle of drano, 2) The ending fight scene with Dr. Hess and Copper head which made the worst dubbed martial arts movies look like works of art. That actually wraps up the film. In typical fashion the ending credits seem to pop up out of nowhere and leave you looking at you buddy asking "What was this movie about?"
All in all this one was just terrible. Even for a movie shot entirely with a personal camcorder from 1987 it was so bad. It recieved 3 stars more on sentimental value then anything else. In a normal persons review Screaming for Sanity wouldn't have even recieved half a star. Actually a normal person wouldn't even go near this trash. But if you do decide to give it a shot be prepared because you could find much much better acting & quality in a porno.

Friday, August 1, 2008

B Movie Clip of the Week

This weeks clip was actually inspired by our close and dear friend Santa. We once had a discussion about this film and figured lets put it out there for all to enjoy. This one has 5 stars written all over it. It looks just like so many flicks we've enjoyed at 2:00 in the am. I'm sure Santa has seen it quite a few times when he working hard during the late shift asleep in front of a tv. The gem is called The Car and seems similar to our recent flick Maximun overdrive. See it is true, Santa does treat everybody right.

Maximum Overdrive: 5 out of 5 Stars

Joe Etevez's nephew is an actor?

As Tuesday approaches we can only count the hours until Thursday when we get to indulge in our favorite activities. These activities include some fantastic B, a plethora of food, and a few other things to keep Sid going through the week. Our only obstacle is picking the right unintentional comedy worthy of a 5 star rating and killer reveiw to keep our readers happy. This week we hit the nail on the head with Maximun Overdrive starring B Icon Joe Estevez's nephew Emilio. I guess that blood pumping through the veins of the Estevez family producing nothing but pure B delight. Uncle Joe had to be proud of this effort.

Our film takes place in 1986 when a comet passes over the earth causing all machines into blood thirsty killers. The center of the attack seems to take place at the Dixie Boy truck stop close to Wilmington North Carolina where Emilio plays the an x-con reformed to the finest short order cook the South has ever seen. As he chefs up plate after plate of his town renown big steak omelet one of the fine Dixie Boy waitresses is savagely attcked by an electric knife. While heckled by a couple toothless patrons she tells everyone the knife came to life and attacked her causing everyone to get a laugh. Once they are done poking fun at the bloody waitress Emilio see's a few 19 wheelers cruising around the truck stop parking lot, but non of them appear to have a person behind the wheel. Now is when chuck looks at the scoreboard and says it's choas. The trucks mow down anyone who dares walk out into their path which is quite hilarious. After a few vehicular homicides Emilio decides to walk up to the main truck and negotiate. The truck use moris code to communicate with the bumpkins stating that they want fuel or else they will go ape on everyone and everything. So they give in and pump until they're all out and the trucks flip out. Now Emilio comes up with a master plan and get the whole crew out of the diner, takes down the leader of the trucks, and saves the entire universe from destruction. Not bad for a guy with a 3rd grade education. We just wonder how many more lives could have been saved if brother Charlie Sheen teamed up in this one?

Overall this movie delivered exactly what we were expecting. Can you really ever go wrong him homicidal trucks? The answer is no you can not. The acting was beyond bad, the story was even worse, and about 15 times throughout the movie we asked "is this actually a catagorized as a horror movie?" If you are looking for some fine quality b then this one always goes down smooth. In addition to an awful movie you can some kick ass music throughout from AC/DC, I mean thats a earns star right off the bat.

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