Friday, August 15, 2008

Out for a Kill: 1 out of 5 Stars

The Obese Downward Spiral Continues from Steven "Panda Bear" Seagal, August 15, 2008

We'd have to say this effort from Seagal feels like it us below the belt. It's quite apparent that many years of chini buffet and boatloads of wild turkey chased with busch beer have not been good to the old boy Steve. Half the time when he's on the screen we can't tell if it's him or an equally obese stunt double until he begins to speak. The things that come out of his mouth are so muffled by his cheek fat that they're nearly inaudible and most likely not part of the english language, or any language for that matter. Once you do find a sentence or two you can understand you'll wish you didn't. In Out for a Kill this is just about all there is to find. The extreme lack of action is so overshadowed by the bizzare dialogue that you really aren't sure whether to turn it off or not. It's almost hypnotic but in a very very bad way.

Out for a Kill begins with Archeology Professor Robert Burns (Seagal), yeah he seriously plays an archaeologist, as he is heading up a dig in Eastern Chini. We suspect he was searching for prehistoric egg rolls but come to find he is there to discover someancient Chinese artifacts. In tubby's findings he sees that the Chinese mafia is smuggling drugs inside these artifacts which naturally he makes his business pissing off a bunch of chinese maniacs. They wind up killing Seagals assistant and planting the drugs on him while crossing the border sending him to prison where his only call will be spent dialing a 976 number or the overeaters anonymous hotline. While in jail nothing cool happens. There is not one prison fight, no escape attempt, or anything you expect from a typical action packed Seagal session. All you get to watch is a pathetic overweight archaeologist/washed up actor as he ponders better times where he didn't have to walk sideways to fit through a doorway. After a couple days the DEA decides Seagal will be a great value in bringing down the Chinese mafia and let him loose. Now that he is out the Chinise mob has a price out on his head and also has threatened the life of his wife. This sends Seagal into panic mode where he must unlease the inner beast. The only trouble is the inner beast put on 207 extra pounds which make it's fury a bit sluggish. The one scene that stands out is when Seagal busts into a barber shop where he unloads of a few Chinese guys until they send out their secret weapon. It's some little guy that moves really odd yet very similar to Tang from Journey to the West. This guy soars through the air, climbs up and down walls, and does all these obsurd things sending the film to new hieghts of martial arts B. As much a the human panda tries to catch him he just can't. Tang is way to quick and Seagal is just too damn fat. After minutes that feel like hours go by Seagal grabs a sheet and wraps the little guy up then snaps his neck. Following this we get a few more hilarious fight scenes as he climbs the ladder to get to the mob leader. Despite his chubby nature Seagal still single handedly takes down the Chinise Mafia making him yet again a great American hero.

After this one we just kind of looked at each other wondering what is happening to Seagal. The guy has always been laughable, even in his early really decent efforts, but now it's just getting sad. This one appears to be the start of the downfall where he starting pumping out film after film just to earn some extra dough to pay off his huge escort service bill. Now despite the extreme panning of this one in no way, shape, or form will we stay away from Seagals films. We still have about 130 to go and plan on watching and reviewing them all no matter how bad they get. We're professionals and will not back down from any B no matter what the cost.

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