Saturday, August 30, 2008

Knock, Knock: 1 out of 5 stars

Even in the world of B horror this one scrapes the bottom of the stocking, August 30, 2008

At this point in our movie reviewing careers you should be well aware that we are huge supporters of the low budget b community. Far from being movie snobs we seek out some of the finest b efforts ever made. There really is nothing better then popping in a movie that promises to be so bad it's good. The kind of film that tries so hard to be official but falls so short of the mark sending any of it's actors directly into porn never to be heard from again. That's our business, that's what we do. On the flip side of this love also comes a lot pain. The pain comes from sitting through movies like out title feature of the night "Knock, Knock." Seeing that the name of the production company was Ariola Productions. Inc. kind of gave it away that we were in for a real disaster. The only saving grace for this one was the cover which appeared as if it may pack some real horror punch but just wound up being largely misleading.

The film starts off in typical B horror fashion as a young smoking hot chick is home alone wearing very skimpy clothes when she hears a knock at the door. She goes to answer and nobody is there, yeah big suprise. After she shuts the door it happens again and again until she finally runs out and challenges whoever is doing the knocking. Since nobody calls her out on the challenge she hops back into the house where she devises the master plan of shutting the door then looking through the peep hole to finally catch the trickster. As she has her face up on the door a hand busts through and she gets killed. Maybe if she had a reverse peephole like Kramer she would have lived but in this case she bites it. Now the film switches gears to a group of high school d bags who you really want to see get wacked. The one girl who is apparently the main character has an ex-cop grandfather who all of a sudden wants to be part of her life. He follows her around everywhere begging her to let him in with some of the most hilarious dialogue to ever grace film since The Final Sacrifice. This old guy has the most entertaining Italiano accent which led us to believe this film must have been shot in Jersey. The way this guy talked you just knew it. When it comes to Italian American stereotypes this guy had it all and earned the film 1/2 of it's one star. The other 1/2 comes from our suspected killer who had to be the winner of a Gene Simmons look a like contest at some point in his life. He is the janitor of the high school and seems to be a few bricks short of a load if you know what we mean. He lives at home still with his mother, cleans the school durning the day, and moonlights as a serial killer. Oh and on the weekend we suspect he leads a b version of a kiss cover band. Now that weve had a couple murders we are introduced to the police detective who will crack the case. She's a blonde with a huge rack playing the most unrealistic detective the world as ever seen. She winds up tracking down the retired gumba grandpa cop at a local dive bar and gets him to help track down this killer before his granddaughter winds up getting killed. Somehow they are lead to believe that Gene Simmons brother, Gene Simmons is in charge of the murder and decide to pay him a visit. They arrive during the most bizarre scenes of the film when retarted Gene is actually playing the guitar in his bedroom. He is waering a tie dye shirt watching himself play his axe in the mirror while he laughs. It was so funny at first until it kept going on to the point of becoming disturbing. The scene lasts for about 10 of the strangest minutes of our lives until detective juggs and retired detective gramps bust into his room and brake up the one man concert. As his mother, who sounds a lot like Mrs. Costanza, yells at the detectives they try to question him about the murders. All he says is "I didn't do nothin" in yet another Jersey accent and they bring him down to the station. Finally Gene explains that when he was a kid he had a friend who a bunch of the jocks accidentally killed. They locked him in a casket and a fire broke out causing his friend to roast alive. Gene held on to all this anger and decides to start picking off young people who had nothing to do with the murder years ago. And thats that. There your movie in a nutshell. Be thankful we just saved you money if you planned on picking this one up.

As far as horror/b horror goes this one was just horrible. It did have a few moments but they were just laughs from the fantastic Jersey accents and the Gene Simmons look a like. The only way we will suggest checking this one out is if it comes on tv late one night and you have absolutely nothing better to do. However you will need to think of it more as a comedy then anything else.

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