The Faculty: 3 out of 5 Stars

An instant star was given for the appearance of Mr Krueger, August 30, 2008

Checking out this film came with much hesitation knowing Usher and Josh Hartman were two of the major players. In that awful era when "Scream" and "I Know What you did Last Summer" ruled the box office it appeared like we may have yet another corny high school horror flick with the token black guy (usher) and a gang of pathetic white kids being picked off one by one. However some investigating proved otherwise once many of the reviews seemed to be positive. So all in all it now seemed like we may have an interesting little sci-fi flick on our hands, kind of like the Breakfast Club on acid, and decided to give it a shot.

We start off with a hilarious scene while coach Joe Willis (Robert Patrick aka liquid guy from T-2) is having a huge meltdown at the lacluster performance of his high school squad during practice. He flips some bench over and sends all the kids packing for the day when he starts messing with the sprinkler when he is approached by an unseen character. Later that evening a couple teachers are closing up the school when one forgets her keys and runs back in to be met by coach Joe acting real wierd. He's looking at her with the "I wanna wrestle you so freaking bad face" and she's freaked out. He starts saying wierd stuff then rams a pencil through her hand sending her to run frantically. She winds up getting out locking in coach only to be iced by the teacher she was just walking out with. Now we get the feeling some strange stuff is going down. From here we cut away to the faculty lounge the following day where Mr. Krueger is one of the teachers, which earns an automatic star, accompanied by John Stuart, Selma Hayek, and couple other familiar faces. As they're in there they notice coach chuging down water like he trying to beat an upcoming drug test and wonder what his deal is. As the film rolls on the teachers begin to act more bizarre each day causing the kids to wonder. These kids consist of Zeke Tyler (Josh Hartman), Casey Connor (Elijah Wood), and a few others. Hartman plays an ultra tough druggie and Elijah plays a nerd who gets his ass kicked everyday, which when can only assume was an easy role for him to get used to. While in science teacher John Stuarts class one day they come across some creature that seems to grow in water and can duplicate itself at will. This soon becomes the creatures that are inhabiting inside the teachers causing them to spread this alien virus through the teaching staff and student body. Even Usher turned into one of them and becomes an animal on the football field sending nearly the entire opposing team to the locker room with plenty of injuries. Pretty inpressive from the same guy that created the song You Got it Bad.

So at this point Zeke, Casey, and the other four realize what is going on and discover some of hartmans drugs are the only way to stop these creatures. Apparently they don't do lines of china white on their planet an instantly OD which they are injected with it. This then is how the remaining students try to take down the entire school which is now all alien. One by one people become infected, even a few in their little click leaving only Casey in charge of saving the world. Yeah great, the guy that gets his head stuffed in the toilet everyday is in charge on stopping the invasion. Despite his fruityness he actually comes through and saves the entire world. Also somehow everyone turns back into their normal selves and all become even better then what they were before. Druggie Hartman becomes part of the football team, coach turns back into a non-homicidal lunatic, Elijah becomes the hero and an instant stud, and Krueger goes back to his position at Krueger industrial smoothing.

After viewing this one we were pleasantly suprised. We were expecting the same slasher type crap but got to enjoy a decent sci-fi effort which is always nice. The special effects were even pretty cool as far as the aliens went. Our only gripe was the ending was super B but that is to be expected with flick from that era. Overall The Faculty would be worth checking out if you're in the mood for some sci-fi high school action.

Knock, Knock: 1 out of 5 stars

Even in the world of B horror this one scrapes the bottom of the stocking, August 30, 2008

At this point in our movie reviewing careers you should be well aware that we are huge supporters of the low budget b community. Far from being movie snobs we seek out some of the finest b efforts ever made. There really is nothing better then popping in a movie that promises to be so bad it's good. The kind of film that tries so hard to be official but falls so short of the mark sending any of it's actors directly into porn never to be heard from again. That's our business, that's what we do. On the flip side of this love also comes a lot pain. The pain comes from sitting through movies like out title feature of the night "Knock, Knock." Seeing that the name of the production company was Ariola Productions. Inc. kind of gave it away that we were in for a real disaster. The only saving grace for this one was the cover which appeared as if it may pack some real horror punch but just wound up being largely misleading.

The film starts off in typical B horror fashion as a young smoking hot chick is home alone wearing very skimpy clothes when she hears a knock at the door. She goes to answer and nobody is there, yeah big suprise. After she shuts the door it happens again and again until she finally runs out and challenges whoever is doing the knocking. Since nobody calls her out on the challenge she hops back into the house where she devises the master plan of shutting the door then looking through the peep hole to finally catch the trickster. As she has her face up on the door a hand busts through and she gets killed. Maybe if she had a reverse peephole like Kramer she would have lived but in this case she bites it. Now the film switches gears to a group of high school d bags who you really want to see get wacked. The one girl who is apparently the main character has an ex-cop grandfather who all of a sudden wants to be part of her life. He follows her around everywhere begging her to let him in with some of the most hilarious dialogue to ever grace film since The Final Sacrifice. This old guy has the most entertaining Italiano accent which led us to believe this film must have been shot in Jersey. The way this guy talked you just knew it. When it comes to Italian American stereotypes this guy had it all and earned the film 1/2 of it's one star. The other 1/2 comes from our suspected killer who had to be the winner of a Gene Simmons look a like contest at some point in his life. He is the janitor of the high school and seems to be a few bricks short of a load if you know what we mean. He lives at home still with his mother, cleans the school durning the day, and moonlights as a serial killer. Oh and on the weekend we suspect he leads a b version of a kiss cover band. Now that weve had a couple murders we are introduced to the police detective who will crack the case. She's a blonde with a huge rack playing the most unrealistic detective the world as ever seen. She winds up tracking down the retired gumba grandpa cop at a local dive bar and gets him to help track down this killer before his granddaughter winds up getting killed. Somehow they are lead to believe that Gene Simmons brother, Gene Simmons is in charge of the murder and decide to pay him a visit. They arrive during the most bizarre scenes of the film when retarted Gene is actually playing the guitar in his bedroom. He is waering a tie dye shirt watching himself play his axe in the mirror while he laughs. It was so funny at first until it kept going on to the point of becoming disturbing. The scene lasts for about 10 of the strangest minutes of our lives until detective juggs and retired detective gramps bust into his room and brake up the one man concert. As his mother, who sounds a lot like Mrs. Costanza, yells at the detectives they try to question him about the murders. All he says is "I didn't do nothin" in yet another Jersey accent and they bring him down to the station. Finally Gene explains that when he was a kid he had a friend who a bunch of the jocks accidentally killed. They locked him in a casket and a fire broke out causing his friend to roast alive. Gene held on to all this anger and decides to start picking off young people who had nothing to do with the murder years ago. And thats that. There your movie in a nutshell. Be thankful we just saved you money if you planned on picking this one up.

As far as horror/b horror goes this one was just horrible. It did have a few moments but they were just laughs from the fantastic Jersey accents and the Gene Simmons look a like. The only way we will suggest checking this one out is if it comes on tv late one night and you have absolutely nothing better to do. However you will need to think of it more as a comedy then anything else.



Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/KNOCK_KNOCK/trailer/P00835132.htm

Werewolf: 4 out of 5 Stars

Even Joe Estevez realized how awful this film was by running off the set after just 30 minutes, August 26, 2008

In the world of B horror films there are so many disasters available that sometimes it just gets hard to pick one worth watching. For the most part the films available now are usually very disapointing even when you're looking for something really bad. There is an art to this. The entire logic behind what we do is to find films that are so bad they're funny, not just to find bad films with nothing to offer. So when we're in a pinch we look to the always hilarious MST3k series to provide us with some of the worst films available with just the right amount of commentary to make them watchable. This time we picked up a film titled Werewolf starring one of our favorite B icons Joe Estevez.

We start our film somewhere in Arizona as a group of archaeologists who came equipped with untraceable accents uncover an odd looking skeleton. They come to find that the remains belong to a werewolf which somehow starts one of the most hilarious fight scenes ever with not one connecting punch and more sound effects then any Chuck Norris movie. As the two diggers go back and forth in their poorly staged dry hump session Joe Estevez and his denim shirt step in to end the commotion. Unfortunately the one digger cuts himself on the werewolf skeleton as they rolled on the ground causing him to rapidly change in the course of about 25 mins. As some collect the skeleton and bring it back to the lab Joe and a couple others bring the injured guy to the hospital. One of the archeologists Yuri decides to bust into the hospital and inject the poor guy with some werewolf juice turning him into full blown wolfman who for some reason looks more like a bat then anything else. He breaks loose and goes back to the dig in search of his crew until he is gunned down by Joe. After Joe looks at what he shot, which now looks like a guy in a halloween gorilla costume and not a bat, he takes off running never to be seen again in the film. There is no explination of why we never see him again, but it kind of goes with the confusing theme of this film.

The story now shifts with no explination as some guy named Paul comes into town and rents out a room from this character named Sam that looks like an x member of zz-top in full army fatigues. He answers the door with his shotgun telling Paul he has to be ready it in case of a werewolf attack. For some reason Paul just chuckles and decides living under the same roof as a gun toting army veteran who fears a wolfman invasion is completely normal. While living in the house he comes across a roomate named Natalie who is an archaeologist and the love interest of the evil Yuri. She dicides to bring Paul into their lab where he meets Yuri who picks a fight with him. As we witness our second girl fight of the evening we watch Paul and Yuri wrestle each other around throwing even gayer punches then in the first brawl. Seconds befor Yuri is caught with the front he holds up the werewolf skull which cuts Paul and sends Natalie into a panic knowing the what the outcome will be. Once home later that evening a full moon blooms turning Paul into the crazed wolfman. From this point on we get to see some horific metamorphasis scenes where he turns from mere man to mere man in gorilla costume and terrorizes the townspeople. Then Paul finally exacts his revenge on Yuri taking his life and we see that Natalie is also now a werewolf in one of the most B endings ever. On it's own this film would have been a disaster. There still would have been some laughs but the MST3k dialogue really helped out. Now throughout this films there were a couple strange occurrences that forced us to seek out some answers. We wondered why Joe Estevez just disappeared in the first 30 mins and why the guy Yuri's hair continue to change color and shape throughout the film? After some research it appears the film kept running out of their budget and filmed over several years. So it appears Joe was to busy filming Money to Burn to come back and there wasn't enough money to spring for some hair dye to keep Yuri looking the same as he did when they first started shooting years earlier. Just hilarious! To wrap this one up we're going to leave you with some more hilarious facts behind Werewolf:

1) Uri's hair color and style changes constantly throughout the film with no explanation.

2) Nathalie's "Russian" accent changes constantly throughout the film. At one point, in the bar with Yuri, she speaks in a clear Southern accent.

3) During Yuri's fight with the three guys in the desert, his sunglasses appear on his face between shots.

4) During Yuri's excavation of the Werewolf skeleton, the object in Yuri's hand changes from a pickaxe to a brush to nothing at all from shot to shot.

5) When Paul goes on his rampage out of the bar, he knocks out a man as soon as he exits. When the camera comes in for a close shot of the man, you can clearly see the shadow of the camera operator on the man's shirt and also the camera operator kicking the man.

6) When Paul is chasing after the girl in the jeep, after she "falls" in the mud, the girl screams. However, reading her lips clearly shows that she is saying, "Oh my god!"

7) When the "Girl in Jeep" runs away from the werewolf, her dress is already muddy just before she reaches the mud puddle.

8) The nighttime scenes are obviously daytime scenes shot through a blue filter.

9) During the driving scene where Yuri follows the security guard/werewolf, both drivers pass the same gas station twice. Also, Yuri turns the steering wheel like he is making sharp turns when he is driving straight.

10) When the girl in the jeep is running from the werewolf, you can clearly hear both her own screams and a separate voice that is screaming. This second screaming voice was clearly pre-recorded and was put on the audio track.

11) During the scene where Paul first turns into a werewolf, an establishing shot of the house exterior shows that it is nighttime. Inside Paul's room, it is sunset.

12) It is never explained how Natalie becomes a werewolf at the end.


Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/WEREWOLF/trailer/P00478523.htm

B Movie Clip of the Week

Hey kids it's everyone's favorite time of the week! This clip was a fantastic find as it stars 2 of Sid's favorite B icons; Chuck Norris and Billy Drago, yes the same Billy Drago from Death Ring. They must have had some amazing on screen chemistry since they followed up this one with the classic Delta Force 2: Operation Stronghold. It seems they tried their hand at another horror type film with Norris as he takes on the boss from Happy Gilmore. This one looks hilarious, it's straight from the 80's, and it will definately be reviewed by the Sid duo in the near future.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=749

Out for a Kill: 1 out of 5 Stars

The Obese Downward Spiral Continues from Steven "Panda Bear" Seagal, August 15, 2008

We'd have to say this effort from Seagal feels like it us below the belt. It's quite apparent that many years of chini buffet and boatloads of wild turkey chased with busch beer have not been good to the old boy Steve. Half the time when he's on the screen we can't tell if it's him or an equally obese stunt double until he begins to speak. The things that come out of his mouth are so muffled by his cheek fat that they're nearly inaudible and most likely not part of the english language, or any language for that matter. Once you do find a sentence or two you can understand you'll wish you didn't. In Out for a Kill this is just about all there is to find. The extreme lack of action is so overshadowed by the bizzare dialogue that you really aren't sure whether to turn it off or not. It's almost hypnotic but in a very very bad way.

Out for a Kill begins with Archeology Professor Robert Burns (Seagal), yeah he seriously plays an archaeologist, as he is heading up a dig in Eastern Chini. We suspect he was searching for prehistoric egg rolls but come to find he is there to discover someancient Chinese artifacts. In tubby's findings he sees that the Chinese mafia is smuggling drugs inside these artifacts which naturally he makes his business pissing off a bunch of chinese maniacs. They wind up killing Seagals assistant and planting the drugs on him while crossing the border sending him to prison where his only call will be spent dialing a 976 number or the overeaters anonymous hotline. While in jail nothing cool happens. There is not one prison fight, no escape attempt, or anything you expect from a typical action packed Seagal session. All you get to watch is a pathetic overweight archaeologist/washed up actor as he ponders better times where he didn't have to walk sideways to fit through a doorway. After a couple days the DEA decides Seagal will be a great value in bringing down the Chinese mafia and let him loose. Now that he is out the Chinise mob has a price out on his head and also has threatened the life of his wife. This sends Seagal into panic mode where he must unlease the inner beast. The only trouble is the inner beast put on 207 extra pounds which make it's fury a bit sluggish. The one scene that stands out is when Seagal busts into a barber shop where he unloads of a few Chinese guys until they send out their secret weapon. It's some little guy that moves really odd yet very similar to Tang from Journey to the West. This guy soars through the air, climbs up and down walls, and does all these obsurd things sending the film to new hieghts of martial arts B. As much a the human panda tries to catch him he just can't. Tang is way to quick and Seagal is just too damn fat. After minutes that feel like hours go by Seagal grabs a sheet and wraps the little guy up then snaps his neck. Following this we get a few more hilarious fight scenes as he climbs the ladder to get to the mob leader. Despite his chubby nature Seagal still single handedly takes down the Chinise Mafia making him yet again a great American hero.

After this one we just kind of looked at each other wondering what is happening to Seagal. The guy has always been laughable, even in his early really decent efforts, but now it's just getting sad. This one appears to be the start of the downfall where he starting pumping out film after film just to earn some extra dough to pay off his huge escort service bill. Now despite the extreme panning of this one in no way, shape, or form will we stay away from Seagals films. We still have about 130 to go and plan on watching and reviewing them all no matter how bad they get. We're professionals and will not back down from any B no matter what the cost.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/OUT_FOR_A_KILL/trailer/P00973760.htm

B Movie Clip of the Week

It's a very rare occurence to come across and unintentional comedy comedy. Usually a comedic film goes off of laughs from actual funny material as opposed to laughs from the sh** times acting and poor budget. This one is catagorized and as "comedy" but is actual an unintentional comedy featuring the one and only Mike Norris. Yes the outcast son of screen legend and our personal hero Chuck "The Hitman" Norris. This one looks so beyond bad we're not even sure if we can find it for sale in this country. Possible a Pathmark overseas may have it in their 5 euros bin next to the candies that Santa always pretends to put the nickle in and take 12 handfuls of. Judging from the title it appears they tried to make it an action movie then 1/4 of the way through realized what a pile they were sitting on and decided to call it a comedy. It's known as Survival Game and can't even be found anywhere on Amazon. Now thats a new level of sorry.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=1510

Deep from Inside the Vault

Today is such a proud day for us. We've stumbled across a clip that is considered one of the origins of Sid the Elf. It took place roughly 14 years ago on a brisk winters night. While we sat on the floor in front of the tv with a few choice snaks, Santa had the window open inviting chilling winds in as he fell in and out of his slumber. As we flipped the channels looking for a flick with nudity we found something so much better that would stay with us forever. We only saw it that one night and never could find it again, UNTIL NOW. It was an amazing show on HBO called "Hardcore TV" and only aired for one season. This specific skit is called The Three Pervy Bears which was found on the segment of the show Fairytales from the Darkside. Enjoy this rare fantastic clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWCtZswsZHE