It's a very rare occurence to come across and unintentional comedy comedy. Usually a comedic film goes off of laughs from actual funny material as opposed to laughs from the sh** times acting and poor budget. This one is catagorized and as "comedy" but is actual an unintentional comedy featuring the one and only Mike Norris. Yes the outcast son of screen legend and our personal hero Chuck "The Hitman" Norris. This one looks so beyond bad we're not even sure if we can find it for sale in this country. Possible a Pathmark overseas may have it in their 5 euros bin next to the candies that Santa always pretends to put the nickle in and take 12 handfuls of. Judging from the title it appears they tried to make it an action movie then 1/4 of the way through realized what a pile they were sitting on and decided to call it a comedy. It's known as Survival Game and can't even be found anywhere on Amazon. Now thats a new level of sorry.
http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=1510
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Deep from Inside the Vault
Today is such a proud day for us. We've stumbled across a clip that is considered one of the origins of Sid the Elf. It took place roughly 14 years ago on a brisk winters night. While we sat on the floor in front of the tv with a few choice snaks, Santa had the window open inviting chilling winds in as he fell in and out of his slumber. As we flipped the channels looking for a flick with nudity we found something so much better that would stay with us forever. We only saw it that one night and never could find it again, UNTIL NOW. It was an amazing show on HBO called "Hardcore TV" and only aired for one season. This specific skit is called The Three Pervy Bears which was found on the segment of the show Fairytales from the Darkside. Enjoy this rare fantastic clip.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWCtZswsZHE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWCtZswsZHE
ROAD HOUSE 5.0 out of 5 stars
In Road House Patrick Swayze is just a big hairy American winning machine, August 13, 2008
Road House is an 80's movie that orbits around the sun that is the art of bouncing. And it stars a man named Swayze. How did it possibly take us, Sid the Elf, this long to review this perfect flick. This movie has everything: The right star at the right point in his career with the right wavy mullet. The perfect plot, the perfect villains, everything just clicked. It remains the best example of big-budget B. It wasn't a success by conventional standards. But, is there another movie that makes you stop flicking channels for at least a minute every one of the 250,000 times it's on every week, or is that just us? Sid's theory on Road House: It was an experiment to see if B could ever resonate with a mainstream audience(because of its Swayze Power). Or maybe the crazy head of some studio said "You know what? I feel like making the ultimate 1989 guy movie. And if I get lucky, it will hold up terribly over time, and in 20 years it will be called 'One of the best action B movies ever,' by Sid the Elf. Well, congratulations Crazy Head of Some Studio. Road House is one of the best action B movies ever.
Now, Sid would never mislead you. Road House does star a Swayze, but it's Patrick unfortunately, not Don. Don's brother plays Dalton, the best cooler in the South. What is a cooler you ask? Well, from what we gathered, it's like a bouncer coordinator. But apparently, it also entails doing lots of Tai Chi shirtless but with skin-tight chick's sweatpants. Anyway, Tilghman(the fat wussy guy who owns the Double Deuce) lures Swayze away from his current bar to come to Jasper, Missouri to be the cooler at the Double Deuce. This begs the first of many, many questions in the film: If Tilghman is enough of a high roller to throw enough money at Dalton to get him to work at the Double Deuce, why on Earth did he buy a bar in Jasper, MO that is such a dump that they have to put chicken wire in front of the band to protect them from all the beer bottles they get thrown at them? Let Sid save you some time, don't ask questions. Just sit back and ride the B wave. So, that's Dalton's situation. He now is the cooler at the worst kind of dive bar. We mentioned the chicken wire, there are huge brawls every night, and apparently people occasionally wind up getting iced at the DD. Why don't we ever hear Jasper mentioned with Compton, West Baltimore and the like? Oh, because they got Dalton. That's right. At this point we're let in on Dalton's routine when moving to a new town. He rolls in in a sweet Benz convertible, but then he buys the goofiest old car he can find and uses that instead. He needs a place to stay right? And he clearly has a nice amount of cash. So of course he lives above Mike Pipper's barn for $100 a month. Just for the record, Mike Pipper's real name is Emmett and the exchange he has with Dalton when they first meet is too good to be true. You will feel embarrassed for the characters when you watch it, it's inevitable. Dalton goes to the Double D to see what it's like first hand. He's got a badass rep, because people start whispering about him when they find out who he is. Maybe they weren't sure if he really existed, like Bigfoot. Now Dalton meets his bouncing crew, which includes Terry Funk, who Dalton inexplicably fires telling him he should go to barber college. We didn't get it, either. Terry Funk could have just cross-face chicken winged every barfly that got out of line. But, the fact that a third-tier WCW wrestler was in the movie, adds at least 1 star automatically.
Now that Dalton has his crew set, and the ground rules laid down, it's time to clean up the DD. Of course, that's not going to be easy, Dalton is going to have to kick a butt or 20 in order to accomplish this, especially after he pisses off Brad Wesley by firing one of Wesley's relatives. Wesley is a real big shot in Jasper. He mentions at one point that he brought many businesses to town including JC Penny and 7-11. Well, we have to give him lots of credit for the 7-11. This guy has a stable of goons that he sends to the DD to mess with Dalton and kick his butt. Oh, did we mention that Wesley looks just like Handsome Dan's dad? Cuz that's kinda important. In one of these fights, Dalton gets sliced with a knife. He has to go to the hospital, and his doctor is Kerri Coughlin from Cocktail. Dalton is so used to getting scraped up in bar fights he carries his medical file with him(did he steal it with the help of Dr. Van Nostrand?)and it may or may not include his resume because the Doc comments on Dalton graduating from NYU in Philosophy. He's also is so used to injuries that he refuses local anesthesia before getting his knife wound stapled with the timeless gem, "Pain don't hurt." Dalton continues to have trouble with Wesley. We find out that Dalton's woman(Doc) is Wesley's old flame, which really makes him nuts. But Dalton gets some help. His mentor, Wade Garrett(Sam Elliot) comes to the DD(which he labels the Double Douche) to show Dalton what he'll look like in 25 years and scare him into quitting the glamorous life of being a cooler. When Garrett sees the terror Wesley inflicts on the town and the power of Wesley's henchman, Billy Ray Cyrus's little brother and #12 Jim Kelly, he implores Dalton to get out of town. But Dalton doesn't listen. Westley's goons go to the DD and find Garrett there alone. They kill him, they leave the knife in the guy with a note under it, signifying some goofy thing Wesley said to Dalton in an earlier phone conversation. Then, the goons burn down Dalton's buddy Red's store, including an awesome explosion, and they burn down Emmett's barn and Dalton's sweet bootytime tin roof.
Ok B fans. If you really know your stuff, you know at this point, it's showdown time. Dalton has to get it on with Wesley. But first, he has to go through the top henchman. See, Road House sticks right with the B blueprint. The top henchman is Jimmy. Lots of thought went into that one. He looks really fruity, hanging earring and all, he even gave Dalton an uber gay "come here" gesture at one point. Anyway, he and Dalton start to brawl, and Jimmy is kind of whupping butt and he's even talking some smack(e.g."Damn, boy. I thought you were good."). And suddenly, Jimmy says to Dalton, "I used to f--- guys like you in prison." WTF! Where did that come from? A lesser man would have been totally creeped out and thrown off his game. But, not Dalton. He snaps Jimmy's leg and rips his throat out! Awesome. It was even better the 2 times we watched it in slow mo. But, Doc gives Dalton the business for killing Jimmy. So now Dalton has to go after Wesley. Before he can get to him, though, he knocks a huge stuffed polar bear onto Uncle John(the really fat henchman). Handsome Dan Sr. has got a lot of guts, Sid must say. He just watched Dalton rip a guy's throat out, then he tells him, "I've always wanted to fight you Dalton." They start to go at it, fight we mean, and Dalton has Wesley pinned and he sees himself in the mirror. He is repulsed by the violent image he sees and is obviously thinking about Doc's disapproval. So he gets up and starts walking away, giving Wesley a great opportunity to kill him. The lesson, as always, women ruin everything. But, Dalton gets lucky. All the people Wesley has screwed over in the town all show up together at the exact second Dalton needs them to and they each shoot Wesley, killing him as Doc and Dalton look on, stunned. By now, the cops are arriving at the scene. There's a corpse that has been shot roughly 5 times, 8 other people in the room, 5 of whom have guns right in their hands, and a guy trapped under a large stuffed polar bear. Naturally, the cops are going to conduct a lengthy investigation, interrogate everyone in the room, and possibly arrest everyone right? Well, when the cops ask what happened, they got 7 "I didn't see anything" and one "A polar bear fell on me." Everyone has a chuckle, including the cops. Ok, case closed. And...scene. Yup, that's all she wrote. The movie ends.
Road House is a perfectly crafted B classic. It's got everything you can ask for, right down to the cheesy Dukes of Hazard ending. They even threw in some pretty sweet explosions for the hardcore B fans. The only things missing were cameos by Don Swayze and Jim Kelly's hair right after he took off his helmet. And the tagline was a little off. It was originally, "It's last call...for action!" Don't get us wrong, that's extremely B. But Sid likes to switch things up. We're changing the tagline to, "Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise." However, we did really enjoy Swayze's performance, surprisingly. Sid feels that B is just in the Swayze blood. Patrick delivered his 784 tough one-liners with Segal-like intensity, a must in a B classic. The flick also had more than enough people to make fun of. But there are two things that make Road House stand out from other B to make it a first-ballot hall of fame B. One, there are more Double Deuces and Dalton's Mullets out there as names of fantasy football teams than you can count. Also, this movie is on somewhere every minute of every day, we're convinced. Sid will even get sucked in and watch 5-10 minutes of it when it's on Telemundo. But, possibly the greatest thing about Road House is the fact that Sam Elliot and Patrick Swayze can forever say, "We invented the tough but still pretty mullet...you're welcome."
Now, Sid would never mislead you. Road House does star a Swayze, but it's Patrick unfortunately, not Don. Don's brother plays Dalton, the best cooler in the South. What is a cooler you ask? Well, from what we gathered, it's like a bouncer coordinator. But apparently, it also entails doing lots of Tai Chi shirtless but with skin-tight chick's sweatpants. Anyway, Tilghman(the fat wussy guy who owns the Double Deuce) lures Swayze away from his current bar to come to Jasper, Missouri to be the cooler at the Double Deuce. This begs the first of many, many questions in the film: If Tilghman is enough of a high roller to throw enough money at Dalton to get him to work at the Double Deuce, why on Earth did he buy a bar in Jasper, MO that is such a dump that they have to put chicken wire in front of the band to protect them from all the beer bottles they get thrown at them? Let Sid save you some time, don't ask questions. Just sit back and ride the B wave. So, that's Dalton's situation. He now is the cooler at the worst kind of dive bar. We mentioned the chicken wire, there are huge brawls every night, and apparently people occasionally wind up getting iced at the DD. Why don't we ever hear Jasper mentioned with Compton, West Baltimore and the like? Oh, because they got Dalton. That's right. At this point we're let in on Dalton's routine when moving to a new town. He rolls in in a sweet Benz convertible, but then he buys the goofiest old car he can find and uses that instead. He needs a place to stay right? And he clearly has a nice amount of cash. So of course he lives above Mike Pipper's barn for $100 a month. Just for the record, Mike Pipper's real name is Emmett and the exchange he has with Dalton when they first meet is too good to be true. You will feel embarrassed for the characters when you watch it, it's inevitable. Dalton goes to the Double D to see what it's like first hand. He's got a badass rep, because people start whispering about him when they find out who he is. Maybe they weren't sure if he really existed, like Bigfoot. Now Dalton meets his bouncing crew, which includes Terry Funk, who Dalton inexplicably fires telling him he should go to barber college. We didn't get it, either. Terry Funk could have just cross-face chicken winged every barfly that got out of line. But, the fact that a third-tier WCW wrestler was in the movie, adds at least 1 star automatically.
Now that Dalton has his crew set, and the ground rules laid down, it's time to clean up the DD. Of course, that's not going to be easy, Dalton is going to have to kick a butt or 20 in order to accomplish this, especially after he pisses off Brad Wesley by firing one of Wesley's relatives. Wesley is a real big shot in Jasper. He mentions at one point that he brought many businesses to town including JC Penny and 7-11. Well, we have to give him lots of credit for the 7-11. This guy has a stable of goons that he sends to the DD to mess with Dalton and kick his butt. Oh, did we mention that Wesley looks just like Handsome Dan's dad? Cuz that's kinda important. In one of these fights, Dalton gets sliced with a knife. He has to go to the hospital, and his doctor is Kerri Coughlin from Cocktail. Dalton is so used to getting scraped up in bar fights he carries his medical file with him(did he steal it with the help of Dr. Van Nostrand?)and it may or may not include his resume because the Doc comments on Dalton graduating from NYU in Philosophy. He's also is so used to injuries that he refuses local anesthesia before getting his knife wound stapled with the timeless gem, "Pain don't hurt." Dalton continues to have trouble with Wesley. We find out that Dalton's woman(Doc) is Wesley's old flame, which really makes him nuts. But Dalton gets some help. His mentor, Wade Garrett(Sam Elliot) comes to the DD(which he labels the Double Douche) to show Dalton what he'll look like in 25 years and scare him into quitting the glamorous life of being a cooler. When Garrett sees the terror Wesley inflicts on the town and the power of Wesley's henchman, Billy Ray Cyrus's little brother and #12 Jim Kelly, he implores Dalton to get out of town. But Dalton doesn't listen. Westley's goons go to the DD and find Garrett there alone. They kill him, they leave the knife in the guy with a note under it, signifying some goofy thing Wesley said to Dalton in an earlier phone conversation. Then, the goons burn down Dalton's buddy Red's store, including an awesome explosion, and they burn down Emmett's barn and Dalton's sweet bootytime tin roof.
Ok B fans. If you really know your stuff, you know at this point, it's showdown time. Dalton has to get it on with Wesley. But first, he has to go through the top henchman. See, Road House sticks right with the B blueprint. The top henchman is Jimmy. Lots of thought went into that one. He looks really fruity, hanging earring and all, he even gave Dalton an uber gay "come here" gesture at one point. Anyway, he and Dalton start to brawl, and Jimmy is kind of whupping butt and he's even talking some smack(e.g."Damn, boy. I thought you were good."). And suddenly, Jimmy says to Dalton, "I used to f--- guys like you in prison." WTF! Where did that come from? A lesser man would have been totally creeped out and thrown off his game. But, not Dalton. He snaps Jimmy's leg and rips his throat out! Awesome. It was even better the 2 times we watched it in slow mo. But, Doc gives Dalton the business for killing Jimmy. So now Dalton has to go after Wesley. Before he can get to him, though, he knocks a huge stuffed polar bear onto Uncle John(the really fat henchman). Handsome Dan Sr. has got a lot of guts, Sid must say. He just watched Dalton rip a guy's throat out, then he tells him, "I've always wanted to fight you Dalton." They start to go at it, fight we mean, and Dalton has Wesley pinned and he sees himself in the mirror. He is repulsed by the violent image he sees and is obviously thinking about Doc's disapproval. So he gets up and starts walking away, giving Wesley a great opportunity to kill him. The lesson, as always, women ruin everything. But, Dalton gets lucky. All the people Wesley has screwed over in the town all show up together at the exact second Dalton needs them to and they each shoot Wesley, killing him as Doc and Dalton look on, stunned. By now, the cops are arriving at the scene. There's a corpse that has been shot roughly 5 times, 8 other people in the room, 5 of whom have guns right in their hands, and a guy trapped under a large stuffed polar bear. Naturally, the cops are going to conduct a lengthy investigation, interrogate everyone in the room, and possibly arrest everyone right? Well, when the cops ask what happened, they got 7 "I didn't see anything" and one "A polar bear fell on me." Everyone has a chuckle, including the cops. Ok, case closed. And...scene. Yup, that's all she wrote. The movie ends.
Road House is a perfectly crafted B classic. It's got everything you can ask for, right down to the cheesy Dukes of Hazard ending. They even threw in some pretty sweet explosions for the hardcore B fans. The only things missing were cameos by Don Swayze and Jim Kelly's hair right after he took off his helmet. And the tagline was a little off. It was originally, "It's last call...for action!" Don't get us wrong, that's extremely B. But Sid likes to switch things up. We're changing the tagline to, "Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise." However, we did really enjoy Swayze's performance, surprisingly. Sid feels that B is just in the Swayze blood. Patrick delivered his 784 tough one-liners with Segal-like intensity, a must in a B classic. The flick also had more than enough people to make fun of. But there are two things that make Road House stand out from other B to make it a first-ballot hall of fame B. One, there are more Double Deuces and Dalton's Mullets out there as names of fantasy football teams than you can count. Also, this movie is on somewhere every minute of every day, we're convinced. Sid will even get sucked in and watch 5-10 minutes of it when it's on Telemundo. But, possibly the greatest thing about Road House is the fact that Sam Elliot and Patrick Swayze can forever say, "We invented the tough but still pretty mullet...you're welcome."
Click here for movie trailer:
Saturday, August 9, 2008
B Movie Clip of the Week
This weeks pick was pretty simple after a brief viewing. First off it actually seemed a little creepy but also very B. It's a horror flick called Superstition from 1985 which appears to have a little Amityville horror/Ghost Story vibe going on. What really made this one stick out was the apparent hero of the film who looks exactly like Danny Tanner. If we see a movie with a Bob Sagat look a like there's no way we're passing it up.
http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=349351
http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=349351
Friday, August 8, 2008
Screaming for Sanity: 3 out of 5 Stars
Tim Ritter takes a leave from his graveyard shift at Wal-Mart to produce Screaming for Sanity- August 8, 2008
It was the year of 1994 when Sid was exposed to his first venture into the world of the Truth or Dare Saga. We strolled into a local video store looking for a nice horror flick when we came across something that looked so B it just had to be done. Once we reached to counter the guy took one look at the film and said "I don't know what this is and how it got in here" but luckily he rented it out to us. The next couple hours went down in history opening our eyes to possibly the worst film ever known to man. It made The Final Sacrifice look like a Martin Scorsese oscar winning masterpiece, which naturally leads us to this weeks review. We found out that the very unknown writer/producer Tim Ritter slapped together his third installment of this disastrous saga and we just had to torture ourselves one more time.
Screaming for Sanity leaves off where the last mess ended with the copper masked madman sitting at a table with Tim Ritter accompanied by his 3 ft mullet and Dr. Dan Hess(Joel D. Wynkoop) talking about playing a game of truth or dare. It's sounds all a bit homo-erotic to us but it doesn't matter anyway. So now the coppermasked killer is on the loose again and Dr. Dan Hess has to bring him to justice. The film literally just jumps from scene to scene with no explanations of whats going on. All you get to see is the copper headed monster taking out a few dead beats in Florida and the robust Dr. Dan chasing him around like Sid chases women with a pink turkey baster. Now despite the zero plot situation there were some really hilarious scenes that allowed us to keep the movie running instead of cutting it off early for a couple boards of Sonic. Two memorable moments were: 1) When the killer breaks into someones house (who has a Rumplestilksen poster) and kills him with a bottle of drano, 2) The ending fight scene with Dr. Hess and Copper head which made the worst dubbed martial arts movies look like works of art. That actually wraps up the film. In typical fashion the ending credits seem to pop up out of nowhere and leave you looking at you buddy asking "What was this movie about?"
All in all this one was just terrible. Even for a movie shot entirely with a personal camcorder from 1987 it was so bad. It recieved 3 stars more on sentimental value then anything else. In a normal persons review Screaming for Sanity wouldn't have even recieved half a star. Actually a normal person wouldn't even go near this trash. But if you do decide to give it a shot be prepared because you could find much much better acting & quality in a porno.
Friday, August 1, 2008
B Movie Clip of the Week
This weeks clip was actually inspired by our close and dear friend Santa. We once had a discussion about this film and figured lets put it out there for all to enjoy. This one has 5 stars written all over it. It looks just like so many flicks we've enjoyed at 2:00 in the am. I'm sure Santa has seen it quite a few times when he working hard during the late shift asleep in front of a tv. The gem is called The Car and seems similar to our recent flick Maximun overdrive. See it is true, Santa does treat everybody right.
http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=922039
http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=922039
Maximum Overdrive: 5 out of 5 Stars
Joe Etevez's nephew is an actor?
As Tuesday approaches we can only count the hours until Thursday when we get to indulge in our favorite activities. These activities include some fantastic B, a plethora of food, and a few other things to keep Sid going through the week. Our only obstacle is picking the right unintentional comedy worthy of a 5 star rating and killer reveiw to keep our readers happy. This week we hit the nail on the head with Maximun Overdrive starring B Icon Joe Estevez's nephew Emilio. I guess that blood pumping through the veins of the Estevez family producing nothing but pure B delight. Uncle Joe had to be proud of this effort.
Our film takes place in 1986 when a comet passes over the earth causing all machines into blood thirsty killers. The center of the attack seems to take place at the Dixie Boy truck stop close to Wilmington North Carolina where Emilio plays the an x-con reformed to the finest short order cook the South has ever seen. As he chefs up plate after plate of his town renown big steak omelet one of the fine Dixie Boy waitresses is savagely attcked by an electric knife. While heckled by a couple toothless patrons she tells everyone the knife came to life and attacked her causing everyone to get a laugh. Once they are done poking fun at the bloody waitress Emilio see's a few 19 wheelers cruising around the truck stop parking lot, but non of them appear to have a person behind the wheel. Now is when chuck looks at the scoreboard and says it's choas. The trucks mow down anyone who dares walk out into their path which is quite hilarious. After a few vehicular homicides Emilio decides to walk up to the main truck and negotiate. The truck use moris code to communicate with the bumpkins stating that they want fuel or else they will go ape on everyone and everything. So they give in and pump until they're all out and the trucks flip out. Now Emilio comes up with a master plan and get the whole crew out of the diner, takes down the leader of the trucks, and saves the entire universe from destruction. Not bad for a guy with a 3rd grade education. We just wonder how many more lives could have been saved if brother Charlie Sheen teamed up in this one?
Overall this movie delivered exactly what we were expecting. Can you really ever go wrong him homicidal trucks? The answer is no you can not. The acting was beyond bad, the story was even worse, and about 15 times throughout the movie we asked "is this actually a catagorized as a horror movie?" If you are looking for some fine quality b then this one always goes down smooth. In addition to an awful movie you can some kick ass music throughout from AC/DC, I mean thats a earns star right off the bat.
Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/MAXIMUM_OVERDRIVE/trailer/P00000448.htm
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