Sid the Elf's Movie World

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory: 5 out of 5 stars

2008-10-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

Instead of wearing an apron that says "Kiss the Cook," Seagal's says "Kiss the Rings B***h."- October 2,2008

For several months we have been searching every video store in hopes of finding Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, only to come up short time and time again. We even checked every $5 bin with exhaustion. The only thing we could come across was Under Siege which we have already watched/reviewed/loved but never it's b counterpart #2. So this past Sunday after a nice day of NFL action half of Sid was poking around his local blockbuster when something magnificent happend. Looking through some videos for sale revealed a copy of Under Siege 2 for the glorious price of $3.99. Just looking at the cover gives you the feeling that you're in for some of the finest action b you will ever grace your eyes upon. You have Seagal who is hanging from a moving train with one hand, his piece in the other, and all the rear cars on fire some a sweet explosion. The only thing that could have made the cover better was if you had a zombie Busey (since he died in the first one) hanging on behind Seagal. But since we didn't have a horror-action here that wasn't in the cards.

Our story picks up with now retired Navy chef Casey Ryback working as a cook at the Mile High Cafe in Denver Colorado ($100 says Seagal begged the producers to call it the Mile High Club). Ryback has decided he wants to take his niece Sarah (Katherine Heigl) on a little vacation to LA which she doesn't seem happy about at all. Instead of being happy to spend some time with uncle Seagal she's pissed because he and her father hadn't talked in years. He gives her some song and dance and all of a sudden she loves him again. Within a 2 minute span she goes from hating him to hugging him saying how happy she is to see him. Typical woman. Now that all is well in the Ryback family they hop aboard the train to meet their uncle Tom porter Bobby Zachs (Morris Chestnut) who has the hots for Sarah. That however soon changed when he tries to make a move on her and she grabs his hand flipping him over in quite the hilarious scene. She says she learned her sweet ninja moves from her uncle as the movie takes b to new heights. From the non stop corny dialogue within the first 20 minutes the film was already up to 2 stars.

Once the train gets moving we see a couple shady characters that you knew would be the hijackers. Travis Dane and his crew stand up with their guns and alert everyone they are taking control of the train. Who hijackes a train? We're pretty sure the last time a train was hijacked or robbed was in the 1920's, but Dane must be a man of tradition. We soon find out that 2 of the passengers on the train hold the secret passwords to control a top-secret government weapon of mass destruction. He makes them cough up the codes by nearly burning their eyes out with some device, which Santa told us all about when he burst in half way through the film. Anyway, once he gets the codes he throws both of them off the moving train down the side of a mountain. Fantastic! Now Dane hacks into the government database taking conrtol of the weapon. He starts going nuts blowing up various building all over the world. In fact the scene of the destroyed industrial facility in China recycles unused footage from On Deadly Ground (1994). In On Deadly Ground, it's the burning Aegis Oil facility. Another star for reused footage.

As the choas continues they find out the universally feared Casey Ryback is on the train. They find his niece and take her hostage to lure Ryback into their clutches. Unfortunate for them Ryback is already on his way killing any of their crew in his path with help from the porter. Ryback is able to unattach part of the cart with a lot of the hostages so they won't have to witness Rybacks sureal ninja moves rendering them speechless. We have some crazy fights scenes in which Seagal hangs off the side of a mountain with 1 hand yet manages to kill 2 guys. Don't ask. And he winds up taking out every villian, saving the pentagon, and his niece. Good thing the government left the fate of the world in Seagals hands by saying "Rybacks on that train? Leave it to him."

Under Siege 2 was well worth the wait. We would give it more then 5 stars if we could. It has everything you will ever need in an action movie. Expect explosions, hilarious sped up martial arts, neck snapping, arm breakings, train jumping, borat looking villan, non stop one liners, rock scailing, knife fighting, and a ton of casualties by the hands of a semi slender pre ponytailed Seagal. If you haven't seen this one and you enjoy our reviews go and pick it up. Do it Now! You'll even get to hear Seagal say "Nobody beats me in the kitchen!"

NFL Week 5: J Picks

2008-10-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Week 4 in the NFL may have been one of the strangest in a while. The Texans near win in Jacksonville was too close for comfort, KC getting it's first win in 12 consecutive losses by beating Denver, and Gomer throwng 6 td's? That's something still making my stomach turn. It was one crazy sloppy week of football that made me really think about week 5's games. Let's go to the picks:

Kansas City (1-3) @ Carolina (3-1)

I have to say KC looked good last week. Larry Johnson finally earned that big paycheck he held out for last season, but that won't be the case this week. I mean we're talking Carolina at home here. Sex Panthers Win.

Chicago (2-2) @ Detroit (0-3)

Part of me wants to say Detroit is going to upset Chicago and get their first win of the season. But the sensible side get's all hambone style saying "What are you nuts?" And no I am not nuts so the logical choice is Chicago who looked damn good against Philly last week. Bears Win

Atlanta (2-2) @ Green Bay (2-2)

Under normal circumstances Green Bay at home is an absolute yes. When Aaron "Norris" Rodgers doesn't take one snap during Wednesday's practice I get a little concerned. This pick is conditional because if Aaron plays I take Pack 100% but if he's out then I have to say Atlanta because I'd rather have my fiance start over Matt Flynn. Falcons win (Unless Rodgers plays)

San Diego (2-2) @ Miami (1-2)

My Dolphins are coming off a well deserved bye week after bending over the New England Patriots in Week 3. That right there was enough for me. If they didn't win another game all season I'd still be happy. This week San Diego comes into town with a clean slate. They're starting to look like last years team and thats not good for the Fins. Chargers Win

Seattle (1-2) @ NY Giants (3-0)

This one should be a lopsided event but may be a bit closer then you think. Now that Burris finally decided to get back into contact with his team he can start earning his salary. Unfortunately it won't be this week since he's suspended. So that may put a couple less Td's up for the Giants but it won't affect them too much. Giants Win

Washington (3-1) @ Philadelphia (2-2)

Coming off a very impressive win against Dallas the Skins are going into Philly to face another division rival. Philly is on the flipside of things coming off a tough loss to the Bears sunday night. The Skins are not going to stay hot and will lose this week in Philly. Eagles Win

Tennessee (4-0) @ Baltimore (2-1)

Tennessee is still undefeated with Kerry Collins as the starting QB. Who would've guessed? They go up against Baltimore at home who is coming off a close Monday night loss to the Steelers. Mcgahee is said to be ok and will play this Sunday which is a must for them to get the W. I think Baltimore will come out strong to hand the Titans their first loss of the season. Ravens Win

Indianapolis (1-2) @ Houston (0-3)

Indy looks nothing like they have over the past few years. The team just looks rattled and don't think the bye week helped. Somehow I see Houston hungry for that win after falling short to the Jags in OT. This seem nuts but I see the Colts dropping to 1-3 and Houston getting a deserved home win. Texans Win

Tampa Bay (3-1) @ Denver (3-1)

This should be a decent game. Here we have Tampa whose Defense has been really good going against one of the most explosive offenses in the league. After KC handed Denver an embarrassing loss they will be fired up at home. Broncos Win

Buffalo (4-0) @ Arizona (2-2)

Kurt Warner was laughable last week against the Jets. Watching some of that game nearly put me to sleep proving Arizona is going nowhere this year. Buffalo comes in still Red Hot and doesn't look like they're dropping a game anytime soon. I feel there may be an upset here but after last week just can't possible go with the Cards. Bills Win

New England (2-1) @ San Francisco (2-2)

When you lose against a team who was 1-15 last year that has to hurt your confidence. No matter how much they say they're past it they're not. They are going up against the 49ers who will be retiring Steve Young's jersey and should be fired up. I think everyone realizes how beatable the Pats are at this point and see Frank Gore lighting up their crybaby Defense. Look's like Belichick will have to drown his miseries in a tranny prostitute from the Bay area. Break out the jumpers cables and Ipecac. 49ers Win

Cincinnati (0-4) @ Dallas (3-1)

This game is the superbowl of Charlie wide recievers. You have Owens who has started the complaining after one loss and Ocho Cinco is saying he's going to kiss the star, yet can't seem to find his way into the end zone. This will be a complete and utter blowout. Cowboys Win huge.

Pittsburg (3-1) @ Jacksonville (2-2)

Pittsburg and Jacksonville are both coming off of last minute wins. However the Steelers are down to 1 healthy running back while Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall are injured and have no chance of playing. This is going to be a huge problem forcing Roethlisberger to keep the ball in the air against the Jags D at home. That will be the big factor in this game. Jaguars Win

Minnesota (1-3) @ New Orleans (2-2)

Here's our Monday night event in New Orleans. Pretty sure the Saints are going to take this one pretty easily. I see Reggie Bush lighting up the Vikings D. Definately 100+ yards. Saints Win

Lone Wolf Mcquade: 4 out of 5 stars

2008-10-01T08:13:00.000-07:00

You can't get blood out of a stone, but Chuck Norris can, Sept 30, 2008

Lone Wolf McQuade is a movie that has long been on Sid the Elf's "Movies we absolutely must review at some point" list. We knew the possibility for greatness existed because Chuck was involved and he was playing a loner rouge Texas Ranger. If that's not a recipe for success, Sid doesn't know what is. Upon learning that Chuck's co-star in the movie was David Caradine, our level of excitement went up a notch because we knew there would be some terrific B fight scene. So we finally took the oportunity to watch the flick that was a huge inspiration for Walker Texas Ranger. In fact, one-half Sid is seriously considering taking a cue from Ricky Bobby and naming one kid Lone Wolf and another McQuade. Also, to take things up a notch, we had Santa with us watching the flick, and it was so good that he stayed awake for almost the whole thing.

If there has ever been a better begining to a movie, Sid will eat his pointy elf hat. You have a group of Mexican bandits, or banditos, wreaking havoc and causing chaos on their horses even though the film is set in 1983. Anyway, the leader of the gang wore only a black vest, and he had no business not wearing a shirt. The film is set in sunny El Paso, Texas so thankfully, the gang leader's gold tooth glistened in the sun brilliantly. We cannot emphasize this enough, this guy looked like he smelled as bad as anyone has ever smelled. It ends up that these banditos kill a couple of state troopers, but the whole scene is being watched by J.J. McQuade(Norris) from the top of a hill. Obviously, a battle ensuses in which Chuck offs like 5 guys by haphazardly spraying bullets in their general direction while spinning around. Breathtaking. Later, Chuck's captain attemps to pair him up with a young but talented cop named Kayo. We said it even before Norris could, "Chuck works alone." Then we get a glimpse into McQuade's personal life. We see McQuade's shack and his pet wolf. The house is deplorable. It looks like a tornado hit it and the fridge is stocked with nothing but brew. Well done, Chuck. Then we get to see Norris take some target practice on homemade targets. Trust us, this was hilarious. He has an ex-wife and a daughter who is dating a swell guy who thinks McQuade is the tops. McQuades daughter and her boyfriend are not doing anything parked in a car atop a hill when they see an Army cargo convoy being hijacked. Somebody sees them and pushes the car down the hill, killing the boyfriend and injuring the daughter. Bad move, guys. Now McQuade is going to track you down and make you wish you were never born.

McQuade employs the help of Kayo and Federal agent Jackson, played by A.C. Green and his fro/mullett, to track down the hijackers who injured his daughter. McQuade's trail leads him to Rawley Wilkes(Caradine) and Lola Richardson, the woman Wilkes is trying to uncork. However, she takes one look at Chuck and says "Why have hamburger when you can have fillet mignon, I want Chuck and his excessive body hair. I want him to give me a light rash." We've seen that Chuck can kick butt like none other. Now we get to see Caradine put on a martial arts display at a county fair. And it was pretty good. You just know there's a showdown coming. McQuade meets up with Wilkes's sidekick, an elf. That's right, Wilkes's right hand man was a cunning wise-cracking motorized wheelchair-riding brethern of Sid himself. McQuade gets a bit of info about Wilkes' operations and decides to take him down. But, Wilkes is onto McQuade and decides to attack him first. He kidnaps McQuade's daughter and Lola and shoots McQuade's pet wolf. This sends McQuade into a frenzy and he goes with his two helpers to Wilkes's compound. For perhaps the only time in his life, Chuck gets a beatdown by Wilkes' henchmen. They put McQuade in his souped up SUV and bury him alive in the vehicle. McQuade regains consciousness and realizes the situation. Of course he floores the pedal and drives out of the dirt, what else did you expect?

So now it's time for the inevitable McQuade-Wilkes showdown. Lets look at the tale of the tape: McQuade just drove out of being buried alive and energized himslef with a beer, Wilkes just kidnapped two women and shot a pet wolf. Advantage McQuade. McQuade is wearing a sleeveless Army vest with no shirt unerneath, Wilkes is wearing a completely queer white Argyll sweater. Huge advantage McQuade. That's really all you need to know. After getting his butt kicked for a couple minutes, McQuade rallied and whooped Wilkes to a pulp. Chuck never has and never will lose a fight. That's the rule.

We couldn't imagine a better result from a spur of the moment choice to watch Lone Wolf McQuade. It has everything we could ask for. A Santa viewing with tons of borderline disturbing commentary absolutely not suitable for print, Norris and his obscene ammount of chest/shoulder hair, a hot chick, a great villain, a gang of banditos with a perfect leader, a crossbow, and most importantly an elf with a prominent role. The only reason this film got only 4 stars from us is the lag in the middle of the film. Despite this, we can't recomend this film strongly enough. It is an absolute must for Chuck fans, and for those who appreciate a true B Action

The Fear: 2 out of 5 stars

2008-09-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Morty Seinfeld, he's a bum, Sept 30, 2008

As October rapidly approaches it seems a no brainer to continue on the path of b horror, which we and so many others love. This week's film The Fear has been on our radar for quite some time but hasn't been acted upon until we recently purchased it as part of a four pack for $9. So that means this one individually cost $2.25 which still may be a bit too steep. Roughly 12 years ago was the first time we saw the film and couldn't recall much except for how bad it was. Now you may ask, if it's so bad why would you want to watch it again? The logic behind that is when we first saw the film we were kids looking to be legitimately scared. Now instead of looking for scares we seek laughter from the horrible acting and confusing plots. Thats the art of b and the reason we label these films as "unintentional comedies." Under these guidelines you can extract good out of the worst movies ever made providing a very enjoyable viewing experience. The Fear had to fall into this category or couldn't be viewed without slipping into a coma.

The film starts off with psychology student Richard (Eddie Bowz) who has these recurring nightmares from his childhood, but can't seem to figure out their meaning or why they scare him so much. In these dreams he's walking around in the woods where he see's two masked men burying somebody. With this constantly on his mind he decides he'd like to spice up his thesis by running an experiment on a group of people to make them face their darkest fears at his remote childhood cabin in the middle of the woods. He presents this idea to his professor Dr. Arnold (Wes Craven) who approves of the experiment and arranges the weekend trip. Now Richard, who looks like his life ambition was to land a spot on Melrose Place, rounds up this group consisting of his girlfriend Ashley, his friend (Troy) who is under the impression he's black despite his white exterior, Troy's sister Leslie, an actual black guy, and two other forgettable characters. They all hit the road and make their way to the cabin except for Dr. Arnold (Craven), who runs off the movie set screaming I'm a millionare why the hell did I show up for this.

Upon arrival at the cabin we get introduced to our favorite character Uncle Pete who is drunk out of his mind and dressed up like Santa Claus. It seems that Uncle Pete, who owns a tourist Christmas village, still lives where fruity Richard grew up and just happened to drop by this abandoned cabin at the same time his nephew was there. Now you'd think Richard would be happy to see the jolly Uncle Pete but it's quite the contrary. He tells Pete and his slutty young girlfriend they have to beat it because he has to run a very serious yet very b experiment. After Pete and his grilfriend pleed to stay he figures they can be used in the experiment also. Once they get inside the cabin Richard whips out his old friend Morty, who is a large wooden dummy we assume he did some questionable things with. They try to play some creepy music to set the mood but it does nothing. He explains to start the experiment Morty will be placed in a chair and each person will sit in front of the wooden dummy and give an account of their worst fears. Yeah it's much more hilarious when you're watching it. As each person goes the film hits new hieghts of boredom. You sit through this group of losers talk about their fears like they're on Dr. Phil's show in hopes Morty will get up and start knocking everyone off, especially Troy. Out of all the fears non were more pathetic then the homeboy Troy's. We were hoping he would say his biggest fear is coming to terms with the fact that he's white but instead he says bees. Bees, are you kidding? What are you a four year old? No wonder this movie cost less then a large coffee.

As we painfully continue the film turns into a soap opera where everyone exposes their inmost fears. The strangest part came a few minutes later when Troy's sister stepped up to the plate. Apparently she left Troy when he was young which seems to hurt yet turn him on because later he tries to make out with her. It was almost a love scene which was a bit more then uneasy to watch. We didn't know what the hell was going on and would never find out because the situation was never explained. There was just this strange sexual tension between the two. Finally after about a 30 minute stretch of nothing Morty comes to life. Hilarious! We came to the conclusion the he looked like Robin Williams in Bicentenial Man. That was the ongoing joke that kept us going. Once they realize he's allive it turns into somewhat of a slaher film only much more b. He chases them around Uncle Petes tourist village called Santas playhouse, lawsuit is pending, and picks off some of the group. One by one each peson gets it as they run aimlessly through the woods by the cabin. As Richard tries to escape he runs in the cabin and finds uncle Pete drunk again. They start fighting and Pete reveals the secret to why Richard's afraid of Morty. It's because when Richard was young he caught his mom cheating on his dad and ratted her out. Then Dad and Uncle Pete wacked her and buried her in the woods telling him if he ever told anyone then Morty would kill him. Somehow Richard forgot all about his tramatic childhood and now understands the nightmares. So gay! After this Richards confronts Morty to tell him he's no longer afriad. Morty's only response is to freeze up then turn around and walk into the lake. Why the lake? We have no idea. They wrap up this mess by showing a soccer ball rolling down a hill with a kid chasing it. The ball stops at the feet of our wooden friend Morty who apparently got done swimming and wanted to take a stroll through the woods. The kid stops and stares at Morty as he gently kicks the ball to him. It appears Morty changed his murderous puppet ways and will possible get a job working at the local ihop.

All in all this one was still pretty much as bad as we remembered. It was so far from scary but that wasn't our intent anyway. We were looking to Morty for some hilarious b but didn't even get that. The only reason we were generous enough to give this one 2 stars was for the sheer fact that homeboy Troy got killed and all the jokes were were able to make from Richard's turtle necks. Every scene this guy had a new turtle neck on which kept us cracking up. The funniest part was realizing these actors thought this was their big break. Not sure how much glory can come from a straight to video where the star is a man with no lines playing a wooden puppet. Well hope they won't be in the sequal which we'll be reviewing in the near future.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/THE_FEAR/trailer/P00005403.htm

Deep from inside the Vault

2008-09-29T17:22:00.001-07:00

Every now and then we decide to give the world a peek into some of our favorite past times. Usually they consist of cool clips, funny stories, or something hilarious to us which most may not understand. This clip is something that everyone can enjoy. It's from Tales From the Darkside which was a huge favorite during our childhood. This episode is called "Inside the Closet" or the loli pop monster if you're Santa.

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pEQSxV4aLA
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmrCYqmU6Vc&feature=related
Part 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CO0y4sV_b1I&feature=related

Week 4 M Picks

2008-09-28T08:05:00.001-07:00

One half- Sid had a wonderful week last week, and the other one suffered miserably. With our respective teams, that is. We are both still rocking out the picks and are in a tight race with a difference of just one win. And away we go.

Buffalo (-8) at St. Louis

The Bills are one of the two biggest surprise teams of the young season along with the Titans, but they barely squeeked by an atrocious, dysfunctional Raiders team last week. The oddsmakers have the Bills favored by 8 mainly because the Rams offense is shallow and pedantic. They reached the opponents' red zone for the first time this season in the 4th quarter of last week's game. Pretty pathetic. So what do the Rams do? Bench one of their only players on offense worth anything, Marc Bulger, in favor of Trent "Scrambled Eggs" Green. Green is following the longtime Sid the Elf belief that if you end up on the same team you started with after multiple stops in between, you're undeniably B. With that said, I'm taking the Bills giving 8.

Atlanta (+7) at Carolina

These are two teams that are very tough to read so far. They're both 2-1. The Falcons have beat up on the league's weakest teams, K.C., and the Lions. The Panthers started out 2-0 against good teams(Chi. and Denver) before crapping the bed against the Vikings, or the V-men as I like to call them, last week. I like the Panthers to get the W here, but not to cover the 7.

Philadelphia (-3) at Chicago

I'm prepared for anything in this game. I can see a close old-school tough game. And I can also see McNabb, playing in his home town, zipping passes all over the field and pulling his it's going to take 8 guys to bring me down routine. The funniest scenario i can envision is Kyle Orton getting sacked like 6 times and throwing 3 picks in the first quarter. Then Orton goes over to the sideline and hands the QB duties over tho Rex Grossman in a "you're all right, LaRusso" moment and walks off to begin his lumberjacking carreer. So, yeah, Eagles.

Cleveland(+3 1/2) at Cincinnati

I loved the fight the Bengals showed last week. The Browns haven't shown anything since last year, and now they have a QB controversy, exemplified by the fact that Romeo Crennell named his starter the starter. Makes sense, right? Anyway, I like the Bengals giving the points in this one.

Washington (+11) at Dallas

The Cowboys looked absolutely unstoppable in Green Bay last Sunday. They ran through one of the league's better defenses like they were playing "rookie" Madden with LT as the RB. The Pack decided to shut down the homoerotic Tony Homo-to- T.O. combo, and let everyone else beat them. Well, they shut down Ace and Gary, and everyone else didn't just beat them, they destroyed them. Miles freakin Austin from Monmouth(not exactly a football powerhouse about 30 min. from the North Pole) had 2 HUGE catches. And Marian the Barbarian didn't have a run for less than 4 all night, or so it seemed. Then, as a change of pace, they bring in Felix Jones and his "running from the cops" world-class speed and he pops off a 60 yard TD run. Basically, the Boys are really really good. If they don't win it all this year, it will be because of an injury or a coaching blunder by Jigglers Phillips. Needless to say, I like them to win this week. But not by 11. Washington is a good team, and division rivalries are always tricky and usually close games.

Denver (-9) at Kansas City

The line could be 49 and I'd probably still bet the Broncos, so yeah I'm taking the Cutler Crew.

Houston (+7 1/2) at Jacksonville

The Jags finally got a W last week at Indy. Big win, they needed it. Houston stinks, but we knew that. I like the Jags in a big way in this one.

San Fransisco (+5 1/2) at New Orleans

The Saints have had a tough schedule so far and they're 1-2. But, I like they way they handle themselves. They lost heartbreakers to Denver and the Redskins. The Niners are 2-1, but have yet to play a decent team unless you buy the Cardinals as a decent team. I like the Saints and the points.

Arizona (-1 1/2) at NY Jets

The Jets looked like an Arena team Monday Night in San Diego, seriously. Brett Favre should have had about 32 picks in the first half alone. He has zero chemistry with his receivers. It's sad to watch. But I can't believe the Cards are good, I just can't. I like the Jets as home dogs Sunday.

San Diego (-7 1/2) at Oakland

Are the Chargers back on track? Well, I think so. But I'm pretty sure San Diego State would be favored by a TD against the Raiders. Chargers big.

Green Bay (+1) at Tampa Bay

The Bucs got a big W in Chicago last week. The Pack--good Lord. They gave me a stroke at least 5 different times on Sunday Night so I don't even know what to make of them at this point. The D was as bad as I've seen from them in 2 years. They got manhandled. And they lost 3--yeah 3--starters in the secondary in the Dallas game. The only starter to finish last week's game was Charles Woodson, playing on a broken toe. He litterally limped out of the huddle to cover T.O.--and they insisted on showing it at least once a series. I can't speak for other Packer fans, but I thought that was a great feeling, seeing your corner limp over to cover the best receiver in the league. Especially when your team plays a ton of man coverage. Needless to say, I haven't quite gotten over last Sunday Night yet. And the Pack might not either. Al Harris ruptured his spleen coliding with A.J. Hawk against Dallas. He might be out for the year. Unless someone, like Tramon Williams, can step up HUGE the Pack is in trouble. Maybe they'll be ok. For the sake of my sanity, I'm going with the Pack.

Minnesota (+3) at Tennessee

Two great defenses, two not so great offenses. These appear to be pretty equal teams, except for the fact that the Titans are able to just win games when they're not playing particularly well. These are the teams you want to ride. I'm going Titans.

Baltimore (+5 1/2) at Pittsburgh

Did anyone see what the Eagles D did to the Steelers last week? Not pretty. And has anyone heard how the Raven D is rejuvinated as the've allowed 10 points in both their games so far? You know where it's going. I'm taking the Ravens.

NFL WEEK 4 J picks

2008-09-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

Week 4 in the NFL is approaching fast while the season begins to get more interesting. Unlike years before, the teams who dominated are at the bottom of the barrel while teams like Buffalo & the Ravens are on the rise. This weeks pics seemed pretty simple but we'll see what happens.

Minnesota (1-2) @ Tennessee (3-0)

Home against the Tennessee defense is not somewhere the Vikings are going to want to be. Titans Win

San Francisco (2-1) @ New Orleans (1-2)

San Fran has looked pretty impressive but the Saints at home are in no way going to drop to 1-3. They need this game and will take it. Saints Win

Green Bay (2-1) @ Tampa Bay (2-1)

After a really rough week 3 the Pack heads into Tampa to play the Bucs at home. The news of Al Harris going down for the year is a definate worry for the defense but I still think theres enough talent there to stop the Bucs. Pack Wins

Houston (1-2) @ Jacksonville (1-2)

Two 1-2 teams but nowhere near the same. I have a strange feeling that Houston may pull this one out but I'm not confident enough to pick against the Jags at home. Jaguars Win

San Diego (1-2) @ Oakland (1-2)

After last weeks destruction of the Jets the Chargers looked back to normal. This week they take out Oakland no problemo. Chargers Win

Washington (2-1) @ Dallas (3-0)

Yeah...Dallas Wins, BIG

Denver(3-0) @ Kansas City (0-3)

The way Denver is rolling they should have an easy week in Kansas City. Cheifs fall to 0-4. Broncos Win

Arizona (2-1) @ Jets (1-2)

Both teams took a pretty good beating last week but the Jets are more dejected over the loss. This will be the battle of the retirement home quarterbacks with Warner taking home the W. Jets eat it, Cardinals Win.

Atlanta (2-1) @ Carolina (2-1)

Atlanta comes into Carolina off a nice win while the Panthers came off a rough loss. It will be a close game but the Carolina should get the W, but won't cover the +5 spread. Panthers Win

Cleveland (0-3) @ Cincinnati (0-3)

This game should be decent since both teams are so horrible. I think the lesser of the 2 is Cincinnati. After seeing the look on Palmer's face after last weeks hard loss there isn't much good to come for the Bengals. Browns Win

Buffalo (3-0) @ St. Louis (0-3)

Red hot Buffalo heads to cold as ice St Louis. This week will be no different. Bills Win

Philadelphia (2-1) @ Chicag0 (1-2)

The Way Philadelphia is looking theres no way Chicago wins. Eagles Win

Baltimore (2-0) @ Pittsburg (2-1)

Pittsburg's offense was dominated by the Eagles D last week. Now they face off against the amped up Ravens while Willie Parker is out. Now Crazy Ray can focus more on Roethlisberger who already isn't 100 %/ Ravens Win

PUMPKINHEAD 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-09-22T19:50:00.001-07:00

The leading cause of death among hillbillies: not heart disease or cancer, but Cityfolk, September 22, 2008

We went back to the B well once again this week with 1988's Pumpkinhead. The film was actually completed in 1987, putting it right in the middle of the Golden Era of horror B. We vaugely remember this one from our youth, and upon learning that it's original production company went belly-up before the film's release, we were absolutely excited about the project. We reviewed the sequel, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, a few weeks ago. While the sequel failed miserably as a legitimate horror flick, it excelled in the world of unintentional comedy that Sid appreciates so much. So going into the Pumpkinhead viewing, we were hopeful that the movie would be good enough to satisfy a horror jones, and bad enough to satisfy an unquenchable B/unintentional comedy jones. This is not an easy task, but Pumpkinhead delivered.

The movie starts off with a farmer/country store owner named Ed Harley being a doting dad to his young son, Billy, who is a dead ringer for the the kid in Jerry Maguire. Later, the father and son go to their store for their day's work. Some young hotshots from the city(cityfolk) stop at the store on their way to a Crystal Lake ripoff for the weekend. At the same time, a hick family consisting of a middle-aged man named Mr. Wallace and his 85 kids and grandkids stop at the store as well. Ed Harley forgets to bring Mr. Wallace's feed to the store from home, so he has to go back to the house and leaves his 7 year old in charge of the store with a bunch of rednecks and rowdy 20-somethings roaming around. Great judgment there. For some reason, the out-of-towners decide to ride the hills near the store on their dirt bikes. The noise sends the Harleys' dog chasing after the bikes in a frenzy, with the kid following. Naturally, the kid gets killed after being barely brushed by a dirt bike. The dirt bikers flee the scene immediately. You could see that coming from a mile away. Ed is obviously crushed by the loss of his son and he wants revenge and his boy back. So he attempts to employ the help of an old nearby witch via Mr. Wallace. Upon seeing the dead boy in Ed's truck, Mr. Wallace asks, "What killed him?" To this, Ed replied, naturally, "Cityfolk." Just priceless. One of the highlights of the film, really.

Ed Harley is eventually brought to the witch by a Wallace kid. She takes some blood from Billy and Ed and instructs Ed to dig up a body buried in a pumpkin patch. Ed brings the body back to the witch and she does some black magic, midnight, evil stuff. The result is Pumpkinhead. Even though the rest of the film is shot, like a true B horror, in daylight through a blue filter to make it look like nighttime, they did a great job with the Pumpkinhead creature. This thing was awesome looking, especially for more than 20 years ago. Pumpkinhead is a 10 foot tall skelaton with a tail and wing-like appendages. He also has a dinosaur shaped huge head. In short, if you saw this thing coming at you, you'd probably pee on yourself in hopes he would pass you by.

Pumpkinhead is set in motion by the witch to exact revenge on the cityfolk for Billy Harley's death. If you don't get in Pumpkinhead's way, you're all right. If you do decide to get in his way or attempt to help one of his potential victims--not good times. Bad times. He'll probably kill you in a really cool way, like when he ran the Fonz through with the barrell of the shotgun. Even if it was obviously a rubber prop shotgun, it was still awesome. Everytime Pumpkinhead rubbed someone out, Ed Harley would feel it. In fact, Pumpkinhead started to look like Ed as the film wore on and the killings piled up. Sid is going to give the ending away, so beware. At the end of the film, Ed had no hope of his son being brought back and he wanted the Pumpkinhead reign of terror to stop. So, he instructed one of the female cityfolk kill him after realizing that this will also kill Pumpkinhead. What he wasn't banking on, however, was that he would be burried in place of the old Pumpkinhead. So, this means that he would be the next incarnation of the terrifying creature. Personally, Sid thinks that's pretty cool.

Pumpkinhead was your typical 80's horror flick. It was part creature film rip-off, part Friday the 13th ripoff. In fact, the house that the kids stayed in was the same one used for Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Maybe we will review that one at some point. But, meanwhile, Pumpkinhead was a huge winner by our calculations. It had enough real horror elements(awesome creature, people you wanted to get iced getting iced in cool ways, sweet concept) to keep you interested, but enough unintentional comedy(the cityfolk line, the hicks, awful acting, poor quality) to keep you laughing. This one is highly recomended by us, Sid the Elf, it's right up our alley. Pick it up and enjoy, but be careful of those Cityfolk.

Shut up your face

2008-09-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

Bend over Mike Vrabel I brought your favorite toy!

This segment goes out to one of the biggest dirtbag players in the NFL, Rodney Harrison. This guy has mounted up so many dirty plays over his career and has the balls to say "theres no place in the game" for the block Rick Williams put on Rodney's boy toy Mike Vrabel. Hey Rodney just give in to the fact that you guys can't win without Brady. You can't blame everyone for the fact that Brady made every player on that team look like a star. The fact that he'd make this comment is what's so hilarious. Can you imagine all the dirty things Harrison and Vrabel have done to each other in the shower while Bill came in with spark plugs and a blown tourch? Please guys just realize you suck without Brady and get ready for the downward spiral to get worse.

Mulberry Street: 3 out of 5 stars

2008-09-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

Rat zombies take control of NYC. Sure, why not?, September 22, 2008

For the second year in a row we have been graced with the After Dark Horrofest. Well saying "graced" my be a bit overboard considering almost every film developed under this festival has been a disaster to sub par at best. We love the horror genre and encourage the whole indi film movement but there has to be some substence to what we're watching or why bother? Short on budget doesn't mean it has to suck. All it means is you have to rely less on killer effects and dish up a good story with some realistic chills. Mulbery Street actually succeeds in this way to an extent. Not so much scary but the concept definately has a chill factor. Who wouldn't get scared by being preyed upon by rat zombies in a tenament home?

Our story takes place in a New York City tenament home where 6 seperate residents are dealing with the fact that their complex will be demolished due to an urban renewal. One great aspect of the film is the believability of these characters. It's not a bunch of young kids aimlessly running around getting picked off as in the typical horror flicks of today. It's actual real people living their everyday lives. The main character is a former boxer and his close friend who are awaiting the boxers daughters return from Iraq. Then there are a couple of guys who live on the upper floor, one being an elderly man who needs an oxygen tank to survive, and a single mother and her son. So you start to actually care for the characters instead of routing for them to vanish. As they all go about their day the super is trying to get the water to work in the boiler room. While working he's bitten on the arm by a rat. Within minutes he begins to have strange symptoms. He goes upstairs to rest and starts to see hair growing on his ears.

The more time that goes by the worse he starts getting and it becomes obvious to everyone that something strange is going on. The news continues to report rat attacks throughout the city. Roughly every five minutes new breaking news appears stating the rat attacks are becoming so frequent they must suspend all subway service and want everyone to remain inside. What they don't know is that these rats are passing some strange virus around which are turning the infected into rat like zombie creatures. It's a lot like 28 Days Later but with a different storyline. From here on out you follow each tenant as they work together to save themselves from the rat zombies. It does become intense at times and overall is an enjoyable and creepy film. The use of atmosphere is key in this one. They really did a great job driving home the chills in that way. The camera lighting is very dim and you get a very claustrophobic feeling while inside the cramped apartments.

Overall the film was good with some flaws. But why be so cridical on an independent film. Considering the small budget they did a great job. The focus on atmosphere was awesome and the acting was really good. A couple cool facts about Mulberry Street is how they had to shoot essential footage in the middle of the crowded streets of Manhattan without any official permission to film there, and how all the actors in this film are friends or in some way related to the director, so none of them received any payments. Not bad when you factor all that in. So if you're looking for a great film you won't find it in Mulberry Street. But if you go into it expecting an above average indi flick you will really like it. It's definately worth checking out.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/MULBERRY_STREET/trailer/P00548197.htm

B Clip of the Century: Seagals music Video

2008-09-21T17:07:00.000-07:00

This is one of the funniest things you may ever get to see. We have Steven "Panda Bear" Seagal taking up his other career move. Instead of snapping necks and crab legs he is making that sweet baby making music. HILARIOUS! He is as fat as ever and looks like he just walked off the set of To Catch a Predator. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qw5bKTBQE4

Sad News

2008-09-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week during our viewing of Pumpkinhead we were informed that our beloved Pathmark was gone forever. This may sound absolutely ridiculous to most people but this hits home a bit to us. It's not the actual store itself that we cared for, it was the memories it held for us. Who could forget times like Death Ring in the $3.99 bin? Santa pretending to put the nickle in for 4 handfuls of candy? And the Fritter that resembled a rabbit? This place was the spot we hit late for the Ramada trips and all our post ball games. It's sad for us but luckily we've got so many other places that hold so many memories and there will be many more to make.

Week 3 NFL Picks

2008-09-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

It's week 3 in the National Football League. Sorry, I'm tapped into my inner Chris Berman. Now, these are quick picks because I have to meet Belicheck and some $10 hookers and I still have to stop home for my branding iron.

Kansas City ay Atlanta
Will anyone outside of the players' family watch this one? It has the makings of an awful game. The Falcons are favored by 5 1/2 at home, and I'm going with them since, you know, they have the only win between these teams this year and their coach isn't scouring careerbuilder on the sidelines.

Cleveland at Baltimore
Strange game here because the Ravens had the week off due to Hurricane Ike. I like the Browns here +2 1/2 to avoid going 0-3. They showed a little fight last week against the Steelers and might have been able to do a little better if not for their coach. Why did Romeo decide to kick that field goal down a TD? It's like he was openly going for the cover.

Oakland at Buffalo
I have to assume Buffalo is for real after their wins over Seattle and Jacksonville. The Raiders would be 0-2 if they didn't play the North Pole High Pink Turkey Basters(K.C. Cheifs) last week. I don't know why I like the Raiders for anything except a top-3 pick next April, but I like Buffalo for the win, and Oakland for the cover +9 1/2.

Tampa Bay at Chicago
This is a tough game to call. I can't stand da Bears, but they look like the Good Bears. You know what I mean, they're running the ball well, playing good defense, and getting special teams TD's like that blocked punt last week. When they're playing like that, the QB just has to play within a TD or so of the opponent and not screw up. That sounds like Kyle Orton's resume. Then they have the Bad Bears when they have no running game (Cedric Benson) and their QB is throwing picks left and right(Rex Grossman). They seem to flip-flop like this year to year. On the flip side, the Bucs are very close to being 2-0 even with Jack Daniels Greise at the helm last week. I like them getting the W in Chitown this week.

Dallas at Green Bay
This is a biggie. The Cowboys in Lambeau on Sunday night. The good news is we get to find out if the Pack is a contender. The bad news? I'm deathly afraid to find out they're not by way of a 38-10 whooping from Tony Homo and Co. Hopefully, the Dallas D is as bad as it was Monday Night and the short week, going on the road, with Aaron Rodgers's confidence high from the last two weeks, the Pack can pull this one out. Right? Come on, it's possible. I'm going with the team closest to the North Pole, the Packers.

New Orleans at Denver
Denver is coming off a huge win against the Chargers, even if it was gift wrapped by the zebras and solidified by Grapefruits Shannahan's decision to go for 2 and the win. The Saints lost a heartbreaker to Washington last week. I think the line is a little too high with the Broncos giving 5 1/2. I'll take the Broncos for the win, the Saints for the cover.

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
This looked like an awesome week 3 showdown for AFC South supremesy until both teams stumbled out of the gate. Neither look like the teams we expected before the season, with the exception of the Colts' 4th quarter last week. I see a close game here with the Jags winning to avoid going 0-3.
Carolina at Minnesota

What have the Vikings done to show that they're worthy of being favored, even at home, against a 2-0 team? Is it the QB switch? Is Gus Ferrote going to make this team that much better than Tavaris Jackson? I'm guessing no. It's Gus Ferrote! Carolina wins this one.

Miami at New England
Ok, so I was wrong with both of these teams last week. The Pats looked ok, and the Phins didn't. Still, a 12 1/2 spread seems way too high for this one. I'm going with the Dolphins. Added bonus to this one is the Joey Porter-Rodney Harrison verbal slapping-match should give the game a little added intensity.

Cincinnati at NY Giants
The Bungles are back! It just doesn't seem right when the Bengals are even decent, thankfully we don't have to deal with that this year. The G-men beat up on a weak Rams team last week, and they'll do the same against an equally terrible opponent this week. Giants -13 1/2

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia
This one is actually quite a rivalry, even though they don't play often. The Eagles looked much more impressive in defeat than the Steelers looked in victory last week. But, the Steelers D matches up really well with the Eagles. Don't expect them to hang 37 on Pittsburgh. I like the Steelers in a close, low-scoring game.

Detroit at San Fransisco
Another Toilet Bowl here. Jon Kitna vs. J.T. O'Sullivan has a distinctly NFL Europe feel to it. I like Frank Gore a lot and the Lions are probably disspirited by their failed comeback against the Pack last week. Did I mention the 3 picks Kitna threw in 6 minutes of that one? Doesn't really evoke a lot of confidence in the Lions.

St. Louis at Seattle
Yet another awful game this week. The Rams are terrible and I'm flying out to Seattle in a few hours to start at WR. The Seahawks still put 30 up last week, so I'm taking them -9 1/2.

Houston at Tennessee
It's a sad day when your starting QB goes down and you have to play your back-up, but you're happy because the back-up just used to have a drinking and racial slur problem instead of being fully insane and talking about suicide. Good times with the Titans. So, naturally i like Tennessee giving 5.

Arizona at Washington
Has Arizona impressed with wins over Miami and San Fran? They might win their division with 9 wins, true. But, Washington had a good win last week against the Saints. I like the Skins in a shootout.

NY Jets at San Diego
The Chargers are favored by 9 in this one because no one can imagine them going 0-3. Will they be fired up or deflated by last week's officiating debacle? Santa's Dreamweaver, Brett Favre, has never lost to the Chargers. I actually think the Chargers come out flat Monday Night and drop this one to Santa's Squad, the Jets.

J Picks for Week 3

2008-09-20T15:45:00.000-07:00

Kansas City (0-2) @ Atlanta (1-1)

The Chiefs being down 0-2 desperately need a win. Unfortunately I don't see it happening against Atlanta at home. Falcons Win

Oakland (1-1) @ Buffalo (2-0)

This week Oakland go up against the Bills who are on fire. This one won't even be close in Buffalo. Bills Win

Tamba Bay (1-1) @ Chicago (1-1)

This one should be a fun game. We have division rivals both at 1-1 but I like Chicago at home. Bears Win

Houston (0-1) @ Tenn (2-0)

Despite the phsychotic antics of Vince Young the Titans look really good. Houston won't even be a match. Titans Win

Carolina (2-0) @ Minnesota (0-2)

Carolina looks strong while the Vikings are way better then their record shows. This week they get their first win at home. Vikings Win

Miami (0-2) @ New England (2-0)

Pennington has nobody to throw the ball to which means it's going to rely all on the run. Unfortunately against New Englands D that won't get the job done, especially at home. Gayblade Patriots Win

Cincinnati (0-2) @ NY Giants (2-0)

Cincinnati is a complete joke this year. The Giants are going to roll over them at home. Giants Win

Arizona (2-0) @ Washington (1-1)

Arizona looks the best they ever have. Washington looked pretty damn good last week but will fall short against the Cards. Cardinals Win

Detroit (0-2) @ San Fran (1-1)

Looks like the predictions about detroit were completely off. They look so weak but I'm feeling a breakout game this week. It's a big gamble but I say they win in San Fran. Lions Win

St Louis (0-2) @ Seattle (0-2)

What a joke this Game will be. 2 equally b teams but Seattle has an edge at home. Seahawks Win

New Orleans (1-1) @ Denver (2-0)

Denver is too strong for New Orleans this week at home. Broncos Win

Pittsburg (2-0) @ Philadelphia (1-1)

Philadelphia showed us one hell of a game against Dallas. They're going to win big at home against the Steelers. Eagles Win

Jacksonville (0-2) @ Indianapolis (1-1)

I don't know whats goin on with the Colts this week. Peyton looks like it's his first year out there. I think Jacksonville's D will be too strong for Peyton. It's a risky call but Jacksonville Wins.

Cleveland (0-2) @ Baltimore (1-0)

Coming off a bye week the Ravens will be rested and ready to go at home against the overrated Browns. Ravens Win

Dallas (2-0) @ Green Bay (2-0)

This is the game of the week by far. Both teams looks like gold right now sitting at 2-0. This will definately be a preview of things to come in the playoffs. I'm having the same feeling here I did with the Jacsonville/Broncos game of 97. I feel like the natural response is the cowboys but I just don't see it. I think Green Bay is feeling it from their past 2 big wins. I love them and think they've got it at home. Pack Wins

Jets (1-1) @ San Diego (0-2)

Gomer Pile leads his crew of flunkies out to San Diego where they'll get bent over by the Charges. Chargers Win

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-09-19T19:43:00.000-07:00

We have to apologize due to the lack of B movie clips the last month. The sudden impact of our reviews on the public has set us back a bit. It takes a while to respond to all the positive feedback and the fans come first. Since you've been patiently waiting here is one fantastic clip for you. Naturally it's a Seagal flick but this one features Keenan Ivory Waynes who adds an instant star for his sheer b-ness. The action and dialog look just right. The only thing missing is fire marshall Bill but that won't stop us from reviewing this one in the near future. Here is The Glimmer Man:

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=6700

Killer Klowns From Outerspace: 5 out of 5 stars

2008-09-16T11:29:00.000-07:00

Killer Klowns dish up Killer B, September 16, 2008

Warning: Spoilers Ahead!*

After 70+ reviews you may come to realize we go through many phases during the course of a year. Sometimes we have an appetite for action that can only be quenched by the likes of Seagal or priemer Norris which can last months at a clip. Other times we seek b comedy and sci-fi features. However for the last month we have been all over the world of b horror. We grew up on it so it holds a certain level of sentimental value in addition to many laughs with a few scares sprinkled in. Horror is what really built the strong foundation our b enterprise sits upon. While viewing week after week b horror one title came to mind that is absolute classic: Killer Klowns from Outerspace. We decided it must be done with immediate urgency and were very happy with our decision.

The film starts out at the local make out spot in an anytown USA type area. We have our two main actors Debbie and Mike getting ready for some sweet action until they're interrupted by what appears to be a huge comet. As the bright orange ball flies through the sky Debbie decides they should go check it out much to Mikes protest. This guys trying to unload here and she wants to go see where the comet landed. As Mike thinks he must figure if he goes with her to check it out he has just bumped his potential of getting laid up into the 90% barrier, so he goes along with it. Now we cut to some old farmer who is a dead ringer for chuck as he see's the same comet. He gets all happy times because he figures he can charge people to see the comet thus earning him enough money to buy a set of teeth. He tells his old lady he'll be back, grabs the bloodhound, and treks through the forest. As he walks he comes upon a huge circus tent. So he's poking around while his dog lags behind. As the dog sits there barking at the tent one of the Klowns scoops him up in a net forcing the old man to have a huge freakout. While in full panic mode another Klown comes from behind and shoots him with his ray gun turning him into a cotton candy corpse. Moments later our Mike and Debbie stumble upon the tent and wonder what is going on. She's freaked saying something is wrong but idiot Mike thinks the circus has come to town but decided to set up shop in the middle of the woods. He talks her into going inside where they realize they're in a UFO. They stumble upon all the cotton candy and see that there are bodies inside. Like complete wackbags they start yelling which get them attention from the Klowns who chase them out of the ship shooting popcorn at them.

Now Mike and Debbie run to the police station where they ask for help from officer Dave Hansen, who looks like a mix of Chris Hansen and William Zabka, and happens to be debbie's old flame. They tell them about their encounter with the klowns which forces Hansen out to the scene of the crime. Once they get out into the woods the tent is gone forcing Hansen to believe Mike and Debbie may have been doing a few batties. He decides to cuff Mike and bring Debbie home. Now throughout the film we have a lot of homo erotic tension between both Mike and Hansen. They have constant one liners to throw back and forth causing many laughs throughout the film. As Mike being brought down to the station they stuble upon a group of people watching one of the Klowns but on a shadow puppet show. Among this group are the Terenzi brothers in their ice cream truck. As they watch to show the Klown makes a shadow puppet of a dinosaur which eats the crowd in one of the worst special effects ever. Pure genius! The Terenzi brothers freakout and Mike runs out of the car to pair up with them while Hansen gets up to the station to rasle up some back up. Once at the station he see's one of the Klowns and opens fire. The shots have no effect on the klown as he steps close until he's shot in the nose. He starts spinning around in a very trippy special effects disaster ultimately killing him. Hansen now knows how to stop the Klowns and gets the gang together to find the tent and take them out. Once the whole crew gets there they make a plan of attack by sending the Terenzi brothers their own way to look for the klowns. As the rest of the crew searches they are met by roughly 20 klowns and hop up on some blocks to escape. They are being surrounded until the Terenzi brothers comes busting through the wall in their ice cream truck. They are then forced to fight a giant called "Klownzilla" which officer Hansen kills buy smashing its nose with his police badge. They have a big gay group hug and the credits roll.

Once the ending came we looked at each other and said, this films got it. It is essentially the definition of campy b horror that anyone can enjoy. Well almost anyone. We saw a couple bad reviews that panned the movie really hard. What were you expecting from a film titled "Killer Klowns from Outerspace?" Did you think this would be an oscar worthy film? For you who panned this film you need to get over yourselves. Films like this are what keeps the movie business interesting. Who needs a serious movie with big name actors all the time? Not us, not Sid. It had just the right amount of terrible acting, laughable special effects, and great looking clowns. If you love b horror then this one has it all.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/KILLER_KLOWNS_FROM_OUTER_SPACE/trailer/P00002005.htm

Dead Mary: 1 out of 5 stars

2008-09-13T11:05:00.000-07:00

The B side to Bloody Mary, September 13, 2008

Late night is the best time for a horrific b masterpiece. Over the years the window in between 12:30 am til 4:00 am has been such a huge source of our reviewing materials by revealing the straight to video side of films. For about the past month, every Friday night around 1 am this fim Dead Mary comes on. After checking it out partially here and there it was finally time to sit through the film in its entirety. Just from the description explaining a group of friends are terrorized by a supernatural force they summon lets you know what to expect. This is the same description for about 500 other horror titles that are shown late night, but thats all part of b.

When pondering this film you may wonder, why the title "Dead Mary" instead of the well known tale of Bloody Mary? The one thing that came to mind was some type of copyright nonsense. Which turned out to be exactly the problem. The original screenplay was called Bloody Mary. The title was cleared in every territory except Japan, where the name Bloody Mary is copyrighted, and it was suggested that the title be changed to Dead Mary for release in that country alone. When the film's producers discovered that another film, also called Bloody Mary, was being readied for release around the same time, it was decided that the film's title be officially changed to Dead Mary in order to avoid confusion. But with a direct to video release does it even matter?

As we begin we are introduced to yet another group of d bags who are having a little reunion in the woods to reminisce of old times. So for once we don't have a group of high school kids getting killed in the woods. Instead we have older versions of high school idiots who are probably more irritating now then they were in high school. Go Dead Mary! They finally arrive at the cabin and not much of anything happens for the first half hour. There is a lot of dialog which amounts to absolutely nothing. It gets so boring you may even consider just shutting it down. As night rolls in they are hanging out having some drinks when one of the girls suggest they play Dead Mary. After she starts challenging the room they finally give in and one by one go into the bathroom. With only a lit candle they stand in front of the mirror with their eyes closed and repeat Dead Mary 3 times. This part actually was a bit creepy. The atmosphere was very dark and provided some element of horror, but nothing too amazing. The one kid has an odd experience as his candle goes out and turns the light on to find blood on the sink signifying Dead Mary is one the loose. See this was a disappointment. It would have been cool to see some old decrepit spirit come smahing through the mirror but we get nothing. Everyone now decides it's bed time and one guy continues to get loaded by himself in the living room where he eventually passes out. He awakes to some odd noises which for some reason make him run outside. Once outside he gets killed. The friends go running as his corpse begins speaking revealing secrets within the group of friends. So instead of a cool Dead Mary running around have people getting killed and possesed by her spirit which makes them come back only to reveal each other secrets. It's absurd. The rest of the film moves at the same pace with nothing to offer. It feels like you're watching more of a therapy session then an actual horror film. All thats revealed is this group of losers dirty laundry in a weak attempt to create some chills.

Once this one ends you're going to wonder why this approach to a creepy tale. After some research we found out that the original script called for Dead Mary, when summoned by the chant, would rise from the lake and murder each character. Instead of that director Robert Wilson decided it would be much better if Dead Mary was never seen. She wuld just manifest herself in the characters causing them to spill the beans about their friends. He should have picked the first idea which would have been a far superior film. It's good to take an approach outside the whole slasher idea, but there has to be some element of horror to make it work. This one just came up short where the rapidly aproaching ending was all you're rooting for. Don't bother with this unless up very late with nothing better to do.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/DEAD_MARY/trailer/P00951657.htm

Week 2 NFL Picks

2008-09-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

Ok we are approaching another exciting week of NFL action and the S Train is gracing the world with some pics. After last week who knows what will happen in week 2? My counterpart hit you with some expert advice, hopefully I can match his football expertise and deliver the goods. I do tend to have a good track record when it comes to picks so lets see what happens.

Miami @ Arizona

Being a huge Miami fan I tend to be a little biased but still logical. Arizona looked strong against SF last week but I think that was more of a fluke then anything. I was impressed by Miami who pissed the game away against the Jets. Pennington who moonlights as a toy making elf came out pretty weak but turned up the heat a bit to give Gang Gay a run for their money. I'm going with my boys Miami in this one.

Chicago @ Carolina

How about those bears? I went out on a limb feeling confident that the Bears would take out Colts football last week and came away happy. This week may be different with Carolina coming off a huge win in San Diego. As I go back and forth I still feel Chicago has some juice left in them from that win in Indy, but not quite as confident. Despite my doubts I'm still going with Chicago.

Tennessee at Cincinnati

Well this one should be interesting. My first thought is they should probably have a psychiatrist on the field to deal with a man who isn't sure if his dad was a set of numbers and a guy who just seems plain crazy but staying home to eat chicken wings during week 1. Despite the crazy undertone we still have a game to play. Titans D is fierce and the Bengals are overrated so I like the Titans in this match up.

Green Bay @ Detroit

Nothing better then a nice division rivalry. After last week I feel very confident with Aaron Rodgers in the drivers seat. It took him a little bit to get going but once he did he looked really good as did the pack offense and defense. Detroit had some high expectations being one of the teams to watch but came up empty. So I like the Pack, I guarantee they'll be victorious.

Indianapolis @ Minnesota

Here we have 2 really good 0-1 teams coming off some big losses. As the Colts went down Peyton did an inordinate amount of talking to himself which leads me to believe he'll be very ready for this week. I'm going with Colts all the way.

Buffalo @ Jacksonville

Buffalo looked really great last week and the Jags looked weak. At home though I think they'll be too strong for Buffalo. Jags win.

Oakland @ Kansas City

Why even bother with this game? My logic is, Huard was once a Dolphin so lets go KC. Kansas City barely wins.

New England @ Jets

Here is by far the 1 of the gayest games of the season. The ony other gay one is when these two play each other again. Here we have Gomer Pile vs Cassel who spent more time video taping Tom and Moss in the shower then actually seeing any play time. I'm sad I even have to pick a winner since both teams can eat it. Gang Gay takes this one.

Giants @ St Louis

This will be more like a scrimmage game for the Giants. St Louis is so pathetic there is no other choice here but the G men.

Pittsburg vs Cleveland

This one is tough. I think these teams will match up well thus give us a really good game. I think Pittsburg has the edge here. Steelers win.

San Diego @ Denver

Another decent game here. I think the San Diego's D will be effected by Shawn Merriman's absense and they won't be able to get the offense going with LT questionable. Denver Wins.

San Fran @ Seattle

San Fran needs redemption after last weeks tough loss. Luckily they have Seattle which should be an easier game this season. Niners win.

Atlanta @ Tampa

Atlanta looked really nice last week but it may be different against the Tampa D. On the fence for this one but I give the edge to Tampa at home. Bucs win.

New Orleans @ Washington

New Orleans should have an easy one this week. Look for a big game from Reggie against an overrated devense. Saints win big.

Philadelphia @ Dallas

This should be a good one. Here we have division rivals who both looked really strong last week. At home though I have to go with Dallas. Cowboys win.

Baltimore @ Houston

Ravens win hands down

WEEK 2 NFL PICKS

2008-09-12T15:46:00.000-07:00

You probably wouldn't be able to tell from our stellar film reviews, but we, Sid the Elf, are huge--yoo-MUNGOUS football maniacs. So, we decided last Sunday watching the games that we needed to share our love for the game with you. And maybe we can help you win some cash or just beat your friends down with your supperior knowledge by spouting picks right before kickoff and looking like a genius by 4:00.

Now, are we qualified to make football picks? Probably not. But, there is only one person we can ever remember correctly predicting Jacksonville's monumental upset of the hated Denver Broncos in the 1996 playoffs. That was, of course, one-half of Sid the Elf. Enough said. We'll have two sets of picks, one for each of our personalities.

MIAMI at ARIZONA

Last week, the Cards got a 23-13 win at San Fransisco. Wow. Impressive. Anytime you go into J.T. O'Sullivan's house and come away with a W it's going to gain you a lot of respect. Maybe that's why the Cardinals are 6 1/2 point favorites over the Dolphins, who almost beat the Jets last week despite Chaddangalo Pennington's best efforts. The Phins looked far better than the 1-15 team we saw last year especially after Chad stopped throwing Santaballs straight into the ground a good 5 yards in front of his recievers. We really like Miami in this game and love them to cover the 6 1/2 mainly because the Dolphins are used to the South Beach nightlife so they will all probably be bored to tears and get a wonderful night sleep Saturday night in Glendale, Arizona.

CHICAGO at CAROLINA

This might be this week's best "show me something" game. Is Carolina really as good as they looked last week, beating the Chargers? And are Da Bears as good as they looked against Indy? While the Panthers squeeked by San Diego on that Delhomme last second TD pass, the Bears throttled the Colts to the point that Peyton Manning's discarded Bursa Sac was crying. Still, we like the Panthers here. The Bears were going up against a dilapidated Colt's offensive line and Manning's movement in the pocket reminded Sid of the old Dan Marino joke. You know the one, "Man, if they let Dan play on one of those Segways, he'd still be chucking ropes out there." So, we think that the Panthers are a little more for real, and they're only giving 3 at home. You know where it's going.

TENNESSEE at CINCINNATI

We have to label this one The Crazy Bowl with Ocho Cinco vs. The Suddenly Insane Vince Young eventhough VY is out. The Titans D looked amazing last week while the Bengals were unable to put one in the end zone. Not a good mixture. We like the Titans getting 1 even on the road.

GREEN BAY at DETROIT

There is no doubt that Aaron Rodgers passed Monday Night's test with flying colors. He will never be Brett Favre, but it looked like he knew how to manage the game and is able to make all the throws(especially that deep ball to Jennings). He might, however, not have to throw the ball much if Ryan Grant's hamstring is healthy against a Lion's defense that gave up over 300 yards rushing to Atlanta. The Pack is giving 3 on the road and that's just fine with us. We like Pack football in this one.

INDIANAPOLIS at MINNESOTA

The Colts looked awful on Sunday night. They couldn't protect Peyton, who looked lost. But Archie could probably put on some pads and be better than Tavaris Jackson right now. Do the Colts start the season 0-2? I'd have to say probably not, unless Superman Peterson is feeling it. Then, hide the women and children. So Indy probably puts everybody but Tom Moore in the box. The Colts barely cover the 2 they're giving the Vikings in Minnesota.

BUFFALO at JACKSONVILLE

The Jag's O looked really bad against the Titans in week 1 and the Bills D looked great. But that was against Matt Hasselbeck's bulging discs and the guy they pulled out of the stands for $50 to play receiver. Can you trust Trent Edwards to win on the road against a still respectable Jags D? I wouldn't, so I'm saying Jacksonville laying the 5 1/2.

OAKLAND at KANSAS CITY

Ok, to all 10 people that care about this game: remember when this was a badass AFC West showdown? Now--not. JaMarcus Russell vs. Damon Huard is not exactly a marquee matchup. The Raiders gave Denver a fifth preseason game last week while KC couldn't score on four chances from the 5 against a shell-shocked Pats team. The Chiefs are favored by 3 1/2, but that shouls probably be the over/under for the game. I say it ends in a 2-2 tie. So I guess--KC.

NEW ENGLAND at NY JETS

This one is The Morality Bowl. There are 2 enormous moral dilemas surrounding this one. First, if you were/are a huge Packers fan is it ok to jump ship to the Jets because of Brett Favre? If you ask Santa, who has a truly unhealthy, creepy Favre obsession; he'd say it's just fine to back the previously despised Jets with roughly 14:30 left in the first quarter of their first preseason game after seeing Brett throw his first pass as part of Gang Gay. But a sane person would say that while it's ok to hope Favre doesn't embarress himself and has a good year, you don't turn your back on your team. So bad job by Santa there and anyone like him, if that's humanly possible. Onto the biggie: Is it ok to be happy that Tom Brady got hurt? Let's test you: Will you be happy to see Randy Moss give up in a few weeks and cause Bill Belicheck to have a heart attack on the sidelines? Will you be happy if Belicheck slips and throws a racial slur Moss's way during a press conference? Will you be happy to not see countless "Tom Brady: God's gift to the world" puff pieces during the playoffs? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you are happy to see Tom Brady injured. Oh I almost forgot an important one: Did you and a buddy litterelly high-five when the game break came on in which they showed the Brady injury? If you did that, you're definately happy. On to the actual game: Favre vs. Casell. The whole spygate crap between these teams. And the wild-card, the Jets secondary. They looked great last week and I think they can actually contain Moss enough. I like Favre in his Jets home opener just enough to take Gang Gay-1 1/2.

NY GIANTS at ST. LOUIS

The G-men did not impress in the season opener. But, the Rams litterally looked like a high school team. As much as I hate the Giants, they are still getting no respect and I see Eli to Plax being a recurring theme in this one. I'm taking the B-men giving 8 1/2.

PITTSBURGH at CLEVELAND

This is the Sunday Night game this week. Everyone seems to have given up on the Browns after one week. This includes the oddsmakers who have them as a 6 point underdog at home. I think the Steelers are as good as they appeared to be last week, but I'm just feeling the Browns for some reason. Probably not a good sign for them. I'm taking Cleveland -6.

SAN DIEGO at DENVER

This is another "Show Me Something Game." Denver whooped up on Oaktown, and the Chargers lost that heartbreaker to Carolina. After last week and how the Chargers limped out of the gate last year, I can't see how they're favored by 1 1/2 on the road against Denver. I like Denver with the points and outright.

SAN FRANSISCO at SEATTLE

The Niners are bad, really bad. And the Seahawks are in bad shape, too. The Seahawks' top four receivers are out. Therefore they need help, big time. Indulge me for a minute and picture this hilarious scene: Mike Holmgren making his way to Jamaica to try to lure Usain Bolt to Seattle to try to play WR. How long before he gets robbed? 30 seconds? Seattle is giving 7 at home, but I like the Niners here. Frank Gore is the best player on the field, I'll go with him.

ATLANTA at TAMPA BAY

Are the Falcons good? They put up 300+ rushing yards last week. But, the Bucs' legendary D-coordinator Monte Kiffin will throw about a kajilion different looks at Matt Ryan this week. Plus, it looks as if Brian Greese is aiming to start another QB controversy with his opportunity to start this game. I like Tampa at home giving 7.

NEW ORLEANS at WASHINGTON

This game is a pick 'em after the Saints nice win over Tampa last week and the Skins looking flaccid against the G-men. I think Reggie Bush has another big game with a lot more touches this week due to the Marques Colston injury. I like the Saints in a big way.

PHILADELPHIA at DALLAS

Nice Monday Night game. T.O. vs. McNabb. All that trash. Both teams looked ridiculously ready for prime time last week. Dallas is dangerous with all those weapons and McNabb did some amazing things with his no name receivers. I like Dallas for the win, but Philly for the cover. Close, really good game here.

BALTIMORE at HOUSTON

This is another Monday Nighter because Hurricane Ike pushed it from Sunday. For some reason, I like Baltimore. I think Joe "Shane" Flacco might be pretty good. That combined with the Texans looking inept at best last week, makes me think the Ravens with the all-time best Pat nickname "Crazy Ray" take this one as 4 1/2 point dogs.

That's all for me, but I suck at this. Look for the Ace Rothstein side of Sid's picks if you really want an idea of what's going to happen this weekend. That's the side with the famous '96 playoff pick and last week's Bears-Colts upset. If we didn't hate Chris Berman so much, I'd make some sort of Swam referance. But the only time we talk about him, it's to make fun of his secret orgies with Bellicheck, Parcells, and a gaggle of hookers

Grim: 3 out of 5 stars

2008-09-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

It's great to see that the SE crew from Journey to the West does horror films now, September 6, 2008

Lately we have been getting so much enjoyment from our golden era of b. The 90's packed in so many b horrors that they've given us enough to watch and review for the next few years. The beauty behind these films is all the effort they put in to them with the result being a straight to video release. It's just amazing. You have a group of the most talentless humans fighting to make their big deput by doing a film destined for the five dollar bin, much like tonights entry. Grim is such as disaster it's almost hard to believe it actually exists. The tagline for this one is "This ain't no fairytale" but we decided to change it to "This ain't no movie."

We start off with a few friends playing around on a ouija board. There is no explanation to what they are actually doing but somehow they unlease a hilarious looking creature who was set in stone for centuries. The one girl appears to be possesed by the creature Grim once her eyes light up red in the first of many obsurd special effects attempts. Once possesd we sees some pink line appear on the floor then Grim pops out dragging the girl underneath the floor deep into his cavern. Whenever Grim comes to take someone there is always a pink line he comes through and they make him look wavy like it's a screen saver. These are effects that are so bad they must been seen to be believed. Possibly the worst SE ever!

So after this opening scene we cut straight to a group of the most unrealistic spelunkers as they get ready for a little caving expidition. Despite the fact that this film was made in 1995 these people look like they were living in 83. The leader of the caving mission is some guy named Rob who kind of looks like the weazel guy Eric from Billy Madison. He has an ultra tough attitude and throws ongoing comments at one of the other spelunkers in some fantastic banter. The rest of the crew look like simple folks from the suburbs and have no redeeming value. In fact you are just dying to see them get devoured by Grim. As they make their way down into the styrofoam cave that the directors 11 year old son made as a science fair project, it becomes quite apparent it's just going to get worse and worse. They are poking around while Grim stalks in the shadows. It's really interesting how graceful Grim is for a 450 lb creature that growls, kills, and eats for a living. For some reason they never see him coming as he swipes one of the woman and bites her entire face off. Once her husband realizes she disappeared he goes looking for her only to run into Grim. Now everyone knows there is a creature down there and their one exit has been sealed up. As they continue to run around aimlessly they decided they must find a way out but also must destroy the creature so he won't plague this small hick town with his b killing spree. While searching they come across a body of water and camp out there to devise a plan until Grim jumps out of the water in similar form to and elf out of a stocking. He takes a couple more lives leaving only 3 morons who manage to temporarily take him down by lighting dynamite which collapses part of the cave on him. For some reason the debris only harms Grim as the 3 go running off to find their exit. Once they find their exit Grim comes bashing throught the wall only to be haulted by a flashlight. Apparently the big guy hates lights which makes them realize if they can position him under a hole in the cave when the sun comes up it will shine on him turning him to stone. They accomplish the task and get out of there to leave Grim in a rock like state. We can only hope for a sequal sometime in the near future.

To sum this one up is simple, it's terrible. However it's the type of terrible that pleases us who love the B genre. The special effects, horrible acting, and confusing plot will leave you speachless. If anyone could get an honorable mention in this one it'd have to be Grim. Even though he couldn't speak he was by far the best actor. Plus he chomped peoples heads off which is always fun.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/GRIM/trailer/P00005879.htm

Teeth: 4 out of 5 stars

2008-09-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

Sex Ed from the darkside,

September 6, 2008

Usually during a horror flick the ladies are the ones to squirm but it is quite the contrary in our title feature "Teeth." This film is probably the most unique we've seen in ages. It explores the ancient myth of vagina dentata that was found in several ancient cultures. The way this myth goes is that certain woman have teeth in the vagina which will bite off the manhood of all suitors until a hero comes to conquer the inner beast, turning her into a normal woman. Yeah if your a guy this is by far the scariest horror concept ever created. We'd rather take on Michael Myers and any killer/creature out there instead of going to battle with vagina dentata. The film takes a modern day twist on the myth making it a very entertaining yet horrific experience.

The film starts off with a couple of young kids sitting in a swimming pool. Their parents will soon be married and they will become brother and sister despite the young boys crap attitude towards it. This kid is a total perv and shows the little girl captain winky which then is followed by him screaming. The parents come running out to find the young boys finger deeply sliced up and bleeding. Now we jump to the teenage years and the girl (Dawn) is the leader of a local chastity group. She speaks to kids telling them the importance of saving themselves for marriage. The step brother (Brad) on the other hand is even worse of a perv and now a total drug machine whose sole purpose in life is to nail Dawn, who is his stepsister. Yeah we're thinking this one took place in the midwest. As Dawn leads her group she winds up meeting a Hale Appleman who shares her same views of self preservation. They wind up hitting it off and decide to take a swim down at a local lake. As their swiming they start making out which sends Hale's harmones through the roof. This kid seems so backed up that he's about to explode at any minute, which he soon tries to. He winds up making a move on Dawn and gets shut down. After being shut down he decides it time for some raping and forces himself in her. Now ideally we were hoping Chris Hansen would come out of the cave and read him his computer transcript and then send him on his way to be tackled by a group of cops but instead we have something much worse. Hale enrages the beast within Dawn and gets his manhood chomped off in one of the most disturbing scenes ever.

Now Dawn is so freaked out that she does some research online finding out about the Dentata myth. She isn't sure if thats what she has and decides to go to the gyno for a check up. Sure enough she finds out she does have it once her vagin bites off four of the doctors fingers. Now the poor girl is really screwed up. She has been restraining herself from sex for years and now she founds out anything that goes near her gets ripped to shreds. She had to wonder if she was going to wind up like the 40 year old virgin. She doesn't know who to turn to and decided the only person she can trust is some d bag she knows from school. Once she's over his house he gets her loaded and gets it on with her vowing he will conquer the beast, and does. He gets through the sexy time and keeps his goods in tact. As they go for it again he answers the phone telling his friend he nailed her as part of the bet. Yeah he went for her as part of a bet seeing if he could uncork her. She gets furious and has unleashes the dentata on him taking half his genitals. Now that she realizes she can take charge of her curse she goes to payback her perv step brother by seducing him and biting his wang off too.

In the end she seems to realize it's not all that bad since she can get the ultimate revenge on any guy that tries to take advantage of her. It was definately an experience for us. The film wasn't scary but the idea of this actually happening is one horrific thought. This one definately comes with a decent recommendation from us promising it will be different from anything you've seen before.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/TEETH/trailer/P00565175.htm

PINOCCHIO'S REVENGE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-09-02T18:30:00.001-07:00

If it's B horror you're seeking, look no further than an elf playing a puppet's body double, September 2, 2008

Whenever we, Sid the Elf, are in doubt about a movie to select for our B viewing we always tend to lean towards the fabled Golden Era of horror B. This is the time period from 1986-1996 that rarely disappoints. Our selection this time was Pinocchio's Revenge. This film was made in 1996, so it is right on the cusp time-wise. And judging by the cover, we knew this was a terrible film, so we were a little worried that it might have a little Jack Frost in it. By this we mean that the people in charge of the production knew the movie was irredeemable, so they threw in some comedy in the way of corny one-liners just to hedge their bets. But we lucked out when this flick actually tried to be good and scary. Of course it wasn't, so the only comedy came from us ripping it apart at a rate even we aren't usually capable of. Perfect. The result was the very essence of horror B. There aren't even any recognizable actors in this one except for Randolph, the butler from Wedding Crashers and Asian Reporter Trisha Takinawa.

Pinocchio's Revenge is a pretty self-explanatory title. The film centers around a doll who is devoid of all reason, all logic. In fact, it compels a man to become a mass child murderer. His lawyer suspects that the Pinocchio doll the killer made for his son is ultimately responsible for the murders, but can't prove it. So she mistakingly brings the doll home. Pretty big error, wouldn't you burn that thing asap? To make matters worse, she piles it on to her daughter's birthday presents, then lets the little girl keep it. By this point, you're hoping you see Pinocchio flogging Mom within the next 5 minutes. From here, the writing is on the wall. Pinocchio starts corrupting the girl, and she starts acting strange. She gets into a fight at school which is just pure cinematic genius. And all these bizarre accidents start happening, including a bus running the girl over. But don't worry, she bounced right back up and walked away without an explanation as to how. So, the little girl ices her classmate and her mom's boyfriend. But was it her or Pinocchio? That's what is in question at the end. What is not in question, however, is that this movie is the true essence of B.

The fact that they only had enough budget to have one scene in which the puppet's mouth moved seals the deal. Then throw in the Journey to the West level acting from the foreign chick that Pinocchio watched shower, and you go up another star for atrocious acting as well as a totally gratuitous nude scene. Also, when the puppet's eyes moved in a decidedly Short Studd manner we couldn't believe it. We were actually on the fence of 2 1/2 to 3 stars at one point during this flick. But, then it happened. They showed Pinocchio running across the street. It was the spitting image of Sid chasing a chick down with a pink turkey baster. That's an instant 4-star effort. But, after a little research, we found out that it wasn't the late, great L DeJ in his final role as we guessed. It was Verne Troyer. Yep, a good 3 years before his role as Mini-me and about 10 years before his legendary Surreal Life stint, he was a stunt double for an inanimate object. Too bad they had him running instead of riding around on that little scooter of his.

If you are looking for some scares and legitimate creepiness, this is not the movie for you. But, if it's an hour and a half of mocking something that your 8 year old could have come up with you enjoy like us, Pinocchio's Revenge is perfect for you. It fits the definition of unintentional comedy to a "T" therefore, it is an obvious choice for a Sid the Elf recommendation. It is also a nominee, and maybe the favorite, for the 2008 Woody Award for Best Surprise.

The Faculty: 3 out of 5 Stars

2008-08-30T17:31:00.000-07:00

An instant star was given for the appearance of Mr Krueger, August 30, 2008

Checking out this film came with much hesitation knowing Usher and Josh Hartman were two of the major players. In that awful era when "Scream" and "I Know What you did Last Summer" ruled the box office it appeared like we may have yet another corny high school horror flick with the token black guy (usher) and a gang of pathetic white kids being picked off one by one. However some investigating proved otherwise once many of the reviews seemed to be positive. So all in all it now seemed like we may have an interesting little sci-fi flick on our hands, kind of like the Breakfast Club on acid, and decided to give it a shot.

We start off with a hilarious scene while coach Joe Willis (Robert Patrick aka liquid guy from T-2) is having a huge meltdown at the lacluster performance of his high school squad during practice. He flips some bench over and sends all the kids packing for the day when he starts messing with the sprinkler when he is approached by an unseen character. Later that evening a couple teachers are closing up the school when one forgets her keys and runs back in to be met by coach Joe acting real wierd. He's looking at her with the "I wanna wrestle you so freaking bad face" and she's freaked out. He starts saying wierd stuff then rams a pencil through her hand sending her to run frantically. She winds up getting out locking in coach only to be iced by the teacher she was just walking out with. Now we get the feeling some strange stuff is going down. From here we cut away to the faculty lounge the following day where Mr. Krueger is one of the teachers, which earns an automatic star, accompanied by John Stuart, Selma Hayek, and couple other familiar faces. As they're in there they notice coach chuging down water like he trying to beat an upcoming drug test and wonder what his deal is. As the film rolls on the teachers begin to act more bizarre each day causing the kids to wonder. These kids consist of Zeke Tyler (Josh Hartman), Casey Connor (Elijah Wood), and a few others. Hartman plays an ultra tough druggie and Elijah plays a nerd who gets his ass kicked everyday, which when can only assume was an easy role for him to get used to. While in science teacher John Stuarts class one day they come across some creature that seems to grow in water and can duplicate itself at will. This soon becomes the creatures that are inhabiting inside the teachers causing them to spread this alien virus through the teaching staff and student body. Even Usher turned into one of them and becomes an animal on the football field sending nearly the entire opposing team to the locker room with plenty of injuries. Pretty inpressive from the same guy that created the song You Got it Bad.

So at this point Zeke, Casey, and the other four realize what is going on and discover some of hartmans drugs are the only way to stop these creatures. Apparently they don't do lines of china white on their planet an instantly OD which they are injected with it. This then is how the remaining students try to take down the entire school which is now all alien. One by one people become infected, even a few in their little click leaving only Casey in charge of saving the world. Yeah great, the guy that gets his head stuffed in the toilet everyday is in charge on stopping the invasion. Despite his fruityness he actually comes through and saves the entire world. Also somehow everyone turns back into their normal selves and all become even better then what they were before. Druggie Hartman becomes part of the football team, coach turns back into a non-homicidal lunatic, Elijah becomes the hero and an instant stud, and Krueger goes back to his position at Krueger industrial smoothing.

After viewing this one we were pleasantly suprised. We were expecting the same slasher type crap but got to enjoy a decent sci-fi effort which is always nice. The special effects were even pretty cool as far as the aliens went. Our only gripe was the ending was super B but that is to be expected with flick from that era. Overall The Faculty would be worth checking out if you're in the mood for some sci-fi high school action.

Knock, Knock: 1 out of 5 stars

2008-08-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

Even in the world of B horror this one scrapes the bottom of the stocking, August 30, 2008

At this point in our movie reviewing careers you should be well aware that we are huge supporters of the low budget b community. Far from being movie snobs we seek out some of the finest b efforts ever made. There really is nothing better then popping in a movie that promises to be so bad it's good. The kind of film that tries so hard to be official but falls so short of the mark sending any of it's actors directly into porn never to be heard from again. That's our business, that's what we do. On the flip side of this love also comes a lot pain. The pain comes from sitting through movies like out title feature of the night "Knock, Knock." Seeing that the name of the production company was Ariola Productions. Inc. kind of gave it away that we were in for a real disaster. The only saving grace for this one was the cover which appeared as if it may pack some real horror punch but just wound up being largely misleading.

The film starts off in typical B horror fashion as a young smoking hot chick is home alone wearing very skimpy clothes when she hears a knock at the door. She goes to answer and nobody is there, yeah big suprise. After she shuts the door it happens again and again until she finally runs out and challenges whoever is doing the knocking. Since nobody calls her out on the challenge she hops back into the house where she devises the master plan of shutting the door then looking through the peep hole to finally catch the trickster. As she has her face up on the door a hand busts through and she gets killed. Maybe if she had a reverse peephole like Kramer she would have lived but in this case she bites it. Now the film switches gears to a group of high school d bags who you really want to see get wacked. The one girl who is apparently the main character has an ex-cop grandfather who all of a sudden wants to be part of her life. He follows her around everywhere begging her to let him in with some of the most hilarious dialogue to ever grace film since The Final Sacrifice. This old guy has the most entertaining Italiano accent which led us to believe this film must have been shot in Jersey. The way this guy talked you just knew it. When it comes to Italian American stereotypes this guy had it all and earned the film 1/2 of it's one star. The other 1/2 comes from our suspected killer who had to be the winner of a Gene Simmons look a like contest at some point in his life. He is the janitor of the high school and seems to be a few bricks short of a load if you know what we mean. He lives at home still with his mother, cleans the school durning the day, and moonlights as a serial killer. Oh and on the weekend we suspect he leads a b version of a kiss cover band. Now that weve had a couple murders we are introduced to the police detective who will crack the case. She's a blonde with a huge rack playing the most unrealistic detective the world as ever seen. She winds up tracking down the retired gumba grandpa cop at a local dive bar and gets him to help track down this killer before his granddaughter winds up getting killed. Somehow they are lead to believe that Gene Simmons brother, Gene Simmons is in charge of the murder and decide to pay him a visit. They arrive during the most bizarre scenes of the film when retarted Gene is actually playing the guitar in his bedroom. He is waering a tie dye shirt watching himself play his axe in the mirror while he laughs. It was so funny at first until it kept going on to the point of becoming disturbing. The scene lasts for about 10 of the strangest minutes of our lives until detective juggs and retired detective gramps bust into his room and brake up the one man concert. As his mother, who sounds a lot like Mrs. Costanza, yells at the detectives they try to question him about the murders. All he says is "I didn't do nothin" in yet another Jersey accent and they bring him down to the station. Finally Gene explains that when he was a kid he had a friend who a bunch of the jocks accidentally killed. They locked him in a casket and a fire broke out causing his friend to roast alive. Gene held on to all this anger and decides to start picking off young people who had nothing to do with the murder years ago. And thats that. There your movie in a nutshell. Be thankful we just saved you money if you planned on picking this one up.

As far as horror/b horror goes this one was just horrible. It did have a few moments but they were just laughs from the fantastic Jersey accents and the Gene Simmons look a like. The only way we will suggest checking this one out is if it comes on tv late one night and you have absolutely nothing better to do. However you will need to think of it more as a comedy then anything else.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/KNOCK_KNOCK/trailer/P00835132.htm

Werewolf: 4 out of 5 Stars

2008-08-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

Even Joe Estevez realized how awful this film was by running off the set after just 30 minutes, August 26, 2008

In the world of B horror films there are so many disasters available that sometimes it just gets hard to pick one worth watching. For the most part the films available now are usually very disapointing even when you're looking for something really bad. There is an art to this. The entire logic behind what we do is to find films that are so bad they're funny, not just to find bad films with nothing to offer. So when we're in a pinch we look to the always hilarious MST3k series to provide us with some of the worst films available with just the right amount of commentary to make them watchable. This time we picked up a film titled Werewolf starring one of our favorite B icons Joe Estevez.

We start our film somewhere in Arizona as a group of archaeologists who came equipped with untraceable accents uncover an odd looking skeleton. They come to find that the remains belong to a werewolf which somehow starts one of the most hilarious fight scenes ever with not one connecting punch and more sound effects then any Chuck Norris movie. As the two diggers go back and forth in their poorly staged dry hump session Joe Estevez and his denim shirt step in to end the commotion. Unfortunately the one digger cuts himself on the werewolf skeleton as they rolled on the ground causing him to rapidly change in the course of about 25 mins. As some collect the skeleton and bring it back to the lab Joe and a couple others bring the injured guy to the hospital. One of the archeologists Yuri decides to bust into the hospital and inject the poor guy with some werewolf juice turning him into full blown wolfman who for some reason looks more like a bat then anything else. He breaks loose and goes back to the dig in search of his crew until he is gunned down by Joe. After Joe looks at what he shot, which now looks like a guy in a halloween gorilla costume and not a bat, he takes off running never to be seen again in the film. There is no explination of why we never see him again, but it kind of goes with the confusing theme of this film.

The story now shifts with no explination as some guy named Paul comes into town and rents out a room from this character named Sam that looks like an x member of zz-top in full army fatigues. He answers the door with his shotgun telling Paul he has to be ready it in case of a werewolf attack. For some reason Paul just chuckles and decides living under the same roof as a gun toting army veteran who fears a wolfman invasion is completely normal. While living in the house he comes across a roomate named Natalie who is an archaeologist and the love interest of the evil Yuri. She dicides to bring Paul into their lab where he meets Yuri who picks a fight with him. As we witness our second girl fight of the evening we watch Paul and Yuri wrestle each other around throwing even gayer punches then in the first brawl. Seconds befor Yuri is caught with the front he holds up the werewolf skull which cuts Paul and sends Natalie into a panic knowing the what the outcome will be. Once home later that evening a full moon blooms turning Paul into the crazed wolfman. From this point on we get to see some horific metamorphasis scenes where he turns from mere man to mere man in gorilla costume and terrorizes the townspeople. Then Paul finally exacts his revenge on Yuri taking his life and we see that Natalie is also now a werewolf in one of the most B endings ever. On it's own this film would have been a disaster. There still would have been some laughs but the MST3k dialogue really helped out. Now throughout this films there were a couple strange occurrences that forced us to seek out some answers. We wondered why Joe Estevez just disappeared in the first 30 mins and why the guy Yuri's hair continue to change color and shape throughout the film? After some research it appears the film kept running out of their budget and filmed over several years. So it appears Joe was to busy filming Money to Burn to come back and there wasn't enough money to spring for some hair dye to keep Yuri looking the same as he did when they first started shooting years earlier. Just hilarious! To wrap this one up we're going to leave you with some more hilarious facts behind Werewolf:

1) Uri's hair color and style changes constantly throughout the film with no explanation.

2) Nathalie's "Russian" accent changes constantly throughout the film. At one point, in the bar with Yuri, she speaks in a clear Southern accent.

3) During Yuri's fight with the three guys in the desert, his sunglasses appear on his face between shots.

4) During Yuri's excavation of the Werewolf skeleton, the object in Yuri's hand changes from a pickaxe to a brush to nothing at all from shot to shot.

5) When Paul goes on his rampage out of the bar, he knocks out a man as soon as he exits. When the camera comes in for a close shot of the man, you can clearly see the shadow of the camera operator on the man's shirt and also the camera operator kicking the man.

6) When Paul is chasing after the girl in the jeep, after she "falls" in the mud, the girl screams. However, reading her lips clearly shows that she is saying, "Oh my god!"

7) When the "Girl in Jeep" runs away from the werewolf, her dress is already muddy just before she reaches the mud puddle.

8) The nighttime scenes are obviously daytime scenes shot through a blue filter.

9) During the driving scene where Yuri follows the security guard/werewolf, both drivers pass the same gas station twice. Also, Yuri turns the steering wheel like he is making sharp turns when he is driving straight.

10) When the girl in the jeep is running from the werewolf, you can clearly hear both her own screams and a separate voice that is screaming. This second screaming voice was clearly pre-recorded and was put on the audio track.

11) During the scene where Paul first turns into a werewolf, an establishing shot of the house exterior shows that it is nighttime. Inside Paul's room, it is sunset.

12) It is never explained how Natalie becomes a werewolf at the end.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/WEREWOLF/trailer/P00478523.htm

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-08-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

Hey kids it's everyone's favorite time of the week! This clip was a fantastic find as it stars 2 of Sid's favorite B icons; Chuck Norris and Billy Drago, yes the same Billy Drago from Death Ring. They must have had some amazing on screen chemistry since they followed up this one with the classic Delta Force 2: Operation Stronghold. It seems they tried their hand at another horror type film with Norris as he takes on the boss from Happy Gilmore. This one looks hilarious, it's straight from the 80's, and it will definately be reviewed by the Sid duo in the near future.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=749

Out for a Kill: 1 out of 5 Stars

2008-08-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

The Obese Downward Spiral Continues from Steven "Panda Bear" Seagal, August 15, 2008

We'd have to say this effort from Seagal feels like it us below the belt. It's quite apparent that many years of chini buffet and boatloads of wild turkey chased with busch beer have not been good to the old boy Steve. Half the time when he's on the screen we can't tell if it's him or an equally obese stunt double until he begins to speak. The things that come out of his mouth are so muffled by his cheek fat that they're nearly inaudible and most likely not part of the english language, or any language for that matter. Once you do find a sentence or two you can understand you'll wish you didn't. In Out for a Kill this is just about all there is to find. The extreme lack of action is so overshadowed by the bizzare dialogue that you really aren't sure whether to turn it off or not. It's almost hypnotic but in a very very bad way.

Out for a Kill begins with Archeology Professor Robert Burns (Seagal), yeah he seriously plays an archaeologist, as he is heading up a dig in Eastern Chini. We suspect he was searching for prehistoric egg rolls but come to find he is there to discover someancient Chinese artifacts. In tubby's findings he sees that the Chinese mafia is smuggling drugs inside these artifacts which naturally he makes his business pissing off a bunch of chinese maniacs. They wind up killing Seagals assistant and planting the drugs on him while crossing the border sending him to prison where his only call will be spent dialing a 976 number or the overeaters anonymous hotline. While in jail nothing cool happens. There is not one prison fight, no escape attempt, or anything you expect from a typical action packed Seagal session. All you get to watch is a pathetic overweight archaeologist/washed up actor as he ponders better times where he didn't have to walk sideways to fit through a doorway. After a couple days the DEA decides Seagal will be a great value in bringing down the Chinese mafia and let him loose. Now that he is out the Chinise mob has a price out on his head and also has threatened the life of his wife. This sends Seagal into panic mode where he must unlease the inner beast. The only trouble is the inner beast put on 207 extra pounds which make it's fury a bit sluggish. The one scene that stands out is when Seagal busts into a barber shop where he unloads of a few Chinese guys until they send out their secret weapon. It's some little guy that moves really odd yet very similar to Tang from Journey to the West. This guy soars through the air, climbs up and down walls, and does all these obsurd things sending the film to new hieghts of martial arts B. As much a the human panda tries to catch him he just can't. Tang is way to quick and Seagal is just too damn fat. After minutes that feel like hours go by Seagal grabs a sheet and wraps the little guy up then snaps his neck. Following this we get a few more hilarious fight scenes as he climbs the ladder to get to the mob leader. Despite his chubby nature Seagal still single handedly takes down the Chinise Mafia making him yet again a great American hero.

After this one we just kind of looked at each other wondering what is happening to Seagal. The guy has always been laughable, even in his early really decent efforts, but now it's just getting sad. This one appears to be the start of the downfall where he starting pumping out film after film just to earn some extra dough to pay off his huge escort service bill. Now despite the extreme panning of this one in no way, shape, or form will we stay away from Seagals films. We still have about 130 to go and plan on watching and reviewing them all no matter how bad they get. We're professionals and will not back down from any B no matter what the cost.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/OUT_FOR_A_KILL/trailer/P00973760.htm

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-08-13T19:12:00.000-07:00

It's a very rare occurence to come across and unintentional comedy comedy. Usually a comedic film goes off of laughs from actual funny material as opposed to laughs from the sh** times acting and poor budget. This one is catagorized and as "comedy" but is actual an unintentional comedy featuring the one and only Mike Norris. Yes the outcast son of screen legend and our personal hero Chuck "The Hitman" Norris. This one looks so beyond bad we're not even sure if we can find it for sale in this country. Possible a Pathmark overseas may have it in their 5 euros bin next to the candies that Santa always pretends to put the nickle in and take 12 handfuls of. Judging from the title it appears they tried to make it an action movie then 1/4 of the way through realized what a pile they were sitting on and decided to call it a comedy. It's known as Survival Game and can't even be found anywhere on Amazon. Now thats a new level of sorry.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=1510

Deep from Inside the Vault

2008-08-13T17:54:00.000-07:00

Today is such a proud day for us. We've stumbled across a clip that is considered one of the origins of Sid the Elf. It took place roughly 14 years ago on a brisk winters night. While we sat on the floor in front of the tv with a few choice snaks, Santa had the window open inviting chilling winds in as he fell in and out of his slumber. As we flipped the channels looking for a flick with nudity we found something so much better that would stay with us forever. We only saw it that one night and never could find it again, UNTIL NOW. It was an amazing show on HBO called "Hardcore TV" and only aired for one season. This specific skit is called The Three Pervy Bears which was found on the segment of the show Fairytales from the Darkside. Enjoy this rare fantastic clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWCtZswsZHE

ROAD HOUSE 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-08-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

In Road House Patrick Swayze is just a big hairy American winning machine, August 13, 2008

Road House is an 80's movie that orbits around the sun that is the art of bouncing. And it stars a man named Swayze. How did it possibly take us, Sid the Elf, this long to review this perfect flick. This movie has everything: The right star at the right point in his career with the right wavy mullet. The perfect plot, the perfect villains, everything just clicked. It remains the best example of big-budget B. It wasn't a success by conventional standards. But, is there another movie that makes you stop flicking channels for at least a minute every one of the 250,000 times it's on every week, or is that just us? Sid's theory on Road House: It was an experiment to see if B could ever resonate with a mainstream audience(because of its Swayze Power). Or maybe the crazy head of some studio said "You know what? I feel like making the ultimate 1989 guy movie. And if I get lucky, it will hold up terribly over time, and in 20 years it will be called 'One of the best action B movies ever,' by Sid the Elf. Well, congratulations Crazy Head of Some Studio. Road House is one of the best action B movies ever.

Now, Sid would never mislead you. Road House does star a Swayze, but it's Patrick unfortunately, not Don. Don's brother plays Dalton, the best cooler in the South. What is a cooler you ask? Well, from what we gathered, it's like a bouncer coordinator. But apparently, it also entails doing lots of Tai Chi shirtless but with skin-tight chick's sweatpants. Anyway, Tilghman(the fat wussy guy who owns the Double Deuce) lures Swayze away from his current bar to come to Jasper, Missouri to be the cooler at the Double Deuce. This begs the first of many, many questions in the film: If Tilghman is enough of a high roller to throw enough money at Dalton to get him to work at the Double Deuce, why on Earth did he buy a bar in Jasper, MO that is such a dump that they have to put chicken wire in front of the band to protect them from all the beer bottles they get thrown at them? Let Sid save you some time, don't ask questions. Just sit back and ride the B wave. So, that's Dalton's situation. He now is the cooler at the worst kind of dive bar. We mentioned the chicken wire, there are huge brawls every night, and apparently people occasionally wind up getting iced at the DD. Why don't we ever hear Jasper mentioned with Compton, West Baltimore and the like? Oh, because they got Dalton. That's right. At this point we're let in on Dalton's routine when moving to a new town. He rolls in in a sweet Benz convertible, but then he buys the goofiest old car he can find and uses that instead. He needs a place to stay right? And he clearly has a nice amount of cash. So of course he lives above Mike Pipper's barn for $100 a month. Just for the record, Mike Pipper's real name is Emmett and the exchange he has with Dalton when they first meet is too good to be true. You will feel embarrassed for the characters when you watch it, it's inevitable. Dalton goes to the Double D to see what it's like first hand. He's got a badass rep, because people start whispering about him when they find out who he is. Maybe they weren't sure if he really existed, like Bigfoot. Now Dalton meets his bouncing crew, which includes Terry Funk, who Dalton inexplicably fires telling him he should go to barber college. We didn't get it, either. Terry Funk could have just cross-face chicken winged every barfly that got out of line. But, the fact that a third-tier WCW wrestler was in the movie, adds at least 1 star automatically.

Now that Dalton has his crew set, and the ground rules laid down, it's time to clean up the DD. Of course, that's not going to be easy, Dalton is going to have to kick a butt or 20 in order to accomplish this, especially after he pisses off Brad Wesley by firing one of Wesley's relatives. Wesley is a real big shot in Jasper. He mentions at one point that he brought many businesses to town including JC Penny and 7-11. Well, we have to give him lots of credit for the 7-11. This guy has a stable of goons that he sends to the DD to mess with Dalton and kick his butt. Oh, did we mention that Wesley looks just like Handsome Dan's dad? Cuz that's kinda important. In one of these fights, Dalton gets sliced with a knife. He has to go to the hospital, and his doctor is Kerri Coughlin from Cocktail. Dalton is so used to getting scraped up in bar fights he carries his medical file with him(did he steal it with the help of Dr. Van Nostrand?)and it may or may not include his resume because the Doc comments on Dalton graduating from NYU in Philosophy. He's also is so used to injuries that he refuses local anesthesia before getting his knife wound stapled with the timeless gem, "Pain don't hurt." Dalton continues to have trouble with Wesley. We find out that Dalton's woman(Doc) is Wesley's old flame, which really makes him nuts. But Dalton gets some help. His mentor, Wade Garrett(Sam Elliot) comes to the DD(which he labels the Double Douche) to show Dalton what he'll look like in 25 years and scare him into quitting the glamorous life of being a cooler. When Garrett sees the terror Wesley inflicts on the town and the power of Wesley's henchman, Billy Ray Cyrus's little brother and #12 Jim Kelly, he implores Dalton to get out of town. But Dalton doesn't listen. Westley's goons go to the DD and find Garrett there alone. They kill him, they leave the knife in the guy with a note under it, signifying some goofy thing Wesley said to Dalton in an earlier phone conversation. Then, the goons burn down Dalton's buddy Red's store, including an awesome explosion, and they burn down Emmett's barn and Dalton's sweet bootytime tin roof.

Ok B fans. If you really know your stuff, you know at this point, it's showdown time. Dalton has to get it on with Wesley. But first, he has to go through the top henchman. See, Road House sticks right with the B blueprint. The top henchman is Jimmy. Lots of thought went into that one. He looks really fruity, hanging earring and all, he even gave Dalton an uber gay "come here" gesture at one point. Anyway, he and Dalton start to brawl, and Jimmy is kind of whupping butt and he's even talking some smack(e.g."Damn, boy. I thought you were good."). And suddenly, Jimmy says to Dalton, "I used to f--- guys like you in prison." WTF! Where did that come from? A lesser man would have been totally creeped out and thrown off his game. But, not Dalton. He snaps Jimmy's leg and rips his throat out! Awesome. It was even better the 2 times we watched it in slow mo. But, Doc gives Dalton the business for killing Jimmy. So now Dalton has to go after Wesley. Before he can get to him, though, he knocks a huge stuffed polar bear onto Uncle John(the really fat henchman). Handsome Dan Sr. has got a lot of guts, Sid must say. He just watched Dalton rip a guy's throat out, then he tells him, "I've always wanted to fight you Dalton." They start to go at it, fight we mean, and Dalton has Wesley pinned and he sees himself in the mirror. He is repulsed by the violent image he sees and is obviously thinking about Doc's disapproval. So he gets up and starts walking away, giving Wesley a great opportunity to kill him. The lesson, as always, women ruin everything. But, Dalton gets lucky. All the people Wesley has screwed over in the town all show up together at the exact second Dalton needs them to and they each shoot Wesley, killing him as Doc and Dalton look on, stunned. By now, the cops are arriving at the scene. There's a corpse that has been shot roughly 5 times, 8 other people in the room, 5 of whom have guns right in their hands, and a guy trapped under a large stuffed polar bear. Naturally, the cops are going to conduct a lengthy investigation, interrogate everyone in the room, and possibly arrest everyone right? Well, when the cops ask what happened, they got 7 "I didn't see anything" and one "A polar bear fell on me." Everyone has a chuckle, including the cops. Ok, case closed. And...scene. Yup, that's all she wrote. The movie ends.

Road House is a perfectly crafted B classic. It's got everything you can ask for, right down to the cheesy Dukes of Hazard ending. They even threw in some pretty sweet explosions for the hardcore B fans. The only things missing were cameos by Don Swayze and Jim Kelly's hair right after he took off his helmet. And the tagline was a little off. It was originally, "It's last call...for action!" Don't get us wrong, that's extremely B. But Sid likes to switch things up. We're changing the tagline to, "Cheap fabric and dim lighting. That's how you move merchandise." However, we did really enjoy Swayze's performance, surprisingly. Sid feels that B is just in the Swayze blood. Patrick delivered his 784 tough one-liners with Segal-like intensity, a must in a B classic. The flick also had more than enough people to make fun of. But there are two things that make Road House stand out from other B to make it a first-ballot hall of fame B. One, there are more Double Deuces and Dalton's Mullets out there as names of fantasy football teams than you can count. Also, this movie is on somewhere every minute of every day, we're convinced. Sid will even get sucked in and watch 5-10 minutes of it when it's on Telemundo. But, possibly the greatest thing about Road House is the fact that Sam Elliot and Patrick Swayze can forever say, "We invented the tough but still pretty mullet...you're welcome."

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=2532

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-08-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

This weeks pick was pretty simple after a brief viewing. First off it actually seemed a little creepy but also very B. It's a horror flick called Superstition from 1985 which appears to have a little Amityville horror/Ghost Story vibe going on. What really made this one stick out was the apparent hero of the film who looks exactly like Danny Tanner. If we see a movie with a Bob Sagat look a like there's no way we're passing it up.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=349351

Screaming for Sanity: 3 out of 5 Stars

2008-08-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

Tim Ritter takes a leave from his graveyard shift at Wal-Mart to produce Screaming for Sanity- August 8, 2008

It was the year of 1994 when Sid was exposed to his first venture into the world of the Truth or Dare Saga. We strolled into a local video store looking for a nice horror flick when we came across something that looked so B it just had to be done. Once we reached to counter the guy took one look at the film and said "I don't know what this is and how it got in here" but luckily he rented it out to us. The next couple hours went down in history opening our eyes to possibly the worst film ever known to man. It made The Final Sacrifice look like a Martin Scorsese oscar winning masterpiece, which naturally leads us to this weeks review. We found out that the very unknown writer/producer Tim Ritter slapped together his third installment of this disastrous saga and we just had to torture ourselves one more time.

Screaming for Sanity leaves off where the last mess ended with the copper masked madman sitting at a table with Tim Ritter accompanied by his 3 ft mullet and Dr. Dan Hess(Joel D. Wynkoop) talking about playing a game of truth or dare. It's sounds all a bit homo-erotic to us but it doesn't matter anyway. So now the coppermasked killer is on the loose again and Dr. Dan Hess has to bring him to justice. The film literally just jumps from scene to scene with no explanations of whats going on. All you get to see is the copper headed monster taking out a few dead beats in Florida and the robust Dr. Dan chasing him around like Sid chases women with a pink turkey baster. Now despite the zero plot situation there were some really hilarious scenes that allowed us to keep the movie running instead of cutting it off early for a couple boards of Sonic. Two memorable moments were: 1) When the killer breaks into someones house (who has a Rumplestilksen poster) and kills him with a bottle of drano, 2) The ending fight scene with Dr. Hess and Copper head which made the worst dubbed martial arts movies look like works of art. That actually wraps up the film. In typical fashion the ending credits seem to pop up out of nowhere and leave you looking at you buddy asking "What was this movie about?"

All in all this one was just terrible. Even for a movie shot entirely with a personal camcorder from 1987 it was so bad. It recieved 3 stars more on sentimental value then anything else. In a normal persons review Screaming for Sanity wouldn't have even recieved half a star. Actually a normal person wouldn't even go near this trash. But if you do decide to give it a shot be prepared because you could find much much better acting & quality in a porno.

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-08-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

This weeks clip was actually inspired by our close and dear friend Santa. We once had a discussion about this film and figured lets put it out there for all to enjoy. This one has 5 stars written all over it. It looks just like so many flicks we've enjoyed at 2:00 in the am. I'm sure Santa has seen it quite a few times when he working hard during the late shift asleep in front of a tv. The gem is called The Car and seems similar to our recent flick Maximun overdrive. See it is true, Santa does treat everybody right.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=922039

Maximum Overdrive: 5 out of 5 Stars

2008-08-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

Joe Etevez's nephew is an actor?

As Tuesday approaches we can only count the hours until Thursday when we get to indulge in our favorite activities. These activities include some fantastic B, a plethora of food, and a few other things to keep Sid going through the week. Our only obstacle is picking the right unintentional comedy worthy of a 5 star rating and killer reveiw to keep our readers happy. This week we hit the nail on the head with Maximun Overdrive starring B Icon Joe Estevez's nephew Emilio. I guess that blood pumping through the veins of the Estevez family producing nothing but pure B delight. Uncle Joe had to be proud of this effort.

Our film takes place in 1986 when a comet passes over the earth causing all machines into blood thirsty killers. The center of the attack seems to take place at the Dixie Boy truck stop close to Wilmington North Carolina where Emilio plays the an x-con reformed to the finest short order cook the South has ever seen. As he chefs up plate after plate of his town renown big steak omelet one of the fine Dixie Boy waitresses is savagely attcked by an electric knife. While heckled by a couple toothless patrons she tells everyone the knife came to life and attacked her causing everyone to get a laugh. Once they are done poking fun at the bloody waitress Emilio see's a few 19 wheelers cruising around the truck stop parking lot, but non of them appear to have a person behind the wheel. Now is when chuck looks at the scoreboard and says it's choas. The trucks mow down anyone who dares walk out into their path which is quite hilarious. After a few vehicular homicides Emilio decides to walk up to the main truck and negotiate. The truck use moris code to communicate with the bumpkins stating that they want fuel or else they will go ape on everyone and everything. So they give in and pump until they're all out and the trucks flip out. Now Emilio comes up with a master plan and get the whole crew out of the diner, takes down the leader of the trucks, and saves the entire universe from destruction. Not bad for a guy with a 3rd grade education. We just wonder how many more lives could have been saved if brother Charlie Sheen teamed up in this one?

Overall this movie delivered exactly what we were expecting. Can you really ever go wrong him homicidal trucks? The answer is no you can not. The acting was beyond bad, the story was even worse, and about 15 times throughout the movie we asked "is this actually a catagorized as a horror movie?" If you are looking for some fine quality b then this one always goes down smooth. In addition to an awful movie you can some kick ass music throughout from AC/DC, I mean thats a earns star right off the bat.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/MAXIMUM_OVERDRIVE/trailer/P00000448.htm

PUMPKINHEAD 2: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-07-23T17:14:00.001-07:00

Watch Pumpkinhead battle the fat kid from Charles and Charge, July 23, 2008

We, Sid the Elf, made a great choice for this week's B extravaganza. We decided on a horror B from that golden age for the genre. Pumpkinhead 2 was made in 1994. Remember, this was after Freddy and Jason lost their appeal, before the awful Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer movies, and before the terrible The Ring ripoffs we're forced to deal with now. This was the era when you had to have a killer or monster, a cop or sheriff, and a group of rowdy teens who are the killer/monster's targets. Bing, bang, boom--instant horror movie. This might sound terrible, but it wasn't. These movies are the bedrock of horror B. Some of them are even incredibly enjoyable, like Pumpkinhead 2. Although, is it possible to not enjoy a movie when it features the fat kid from Charles in Charge, the guy who was obsessed with Donna Martin and took over the CU tv station in 90210, and Bill Clinton's brother? The answer of course is no it is impossible to not enjoy such a movie.

The plot of Pumpkinhead 2 is as simple as it is ridiculous. After being summoned through an evil spell by Punky Bruster(seriously), Pumpkinhead takes over the body of a freak who was killed 30 years prior. The freak was killed by an unfathomably fruity gang called The Red Wings. Perfect. The best part about these guys is that we think they were supposed to come off as tough. And let's just say that they fell short. The son of one of the Red Wings(it's making you chuckle a little every time isn't it?)ended up being Danny, aka the guy from 90210. So now Pumpkinhead is after him and his friends Punky Brewster, the fat kid from Charles in Charge, Booger from He Got Game, and the Sheriff's daughter. How could they have not casted Punky Brewster? She was one of the writers of the film and her outstanding performance in that Saved By the Bell episode put her right over the top. Just a tour-de-force cast. And it included a cameo by Roger Clinton. Yeah, the degenerate coke dealing DUI happy half-brother of President Bill Clinton. That adds a star right there. And how does this guy not have a reality show? It would be immensely entertaining to watch this guy call his agent to check for incoming scripts, call his brother to borrow money, then contemplate swallowing a bottle of pills everyday. Then what about the times when he has to interact with Hillary? See? The possibilities are endless.

So, Sid's theory on the reason for Pumpkinhead's barrage of killings is that everyone kept screaming at him. Yeah, he looked like a dinosaur of some sort, but yelling in his face really couldn't have helped the situation. The best was when that bald hillbilly screamed at Pumpkinhead, and they felt the need to show his ugly face for like 15 seconds. I think everyone watching was thinking "Damn, shut this old hick up." And you couldn't even finish the thought because Pumpkinhead backhanded the guy so freakin hard. The guy went right through a haystack or something. By far, the best moment of the movie. It was absolutely hysterical. It got rewound 3 times, a record bested only by the famous hicks being thrown off the truck scene in Halloween 4. Eventually, the sheriff figures out that the freak is Pumpkinhead because of the markings he leaves after he ices someone. They look like lesbian seagulls, but in red, or blood wings. Get it? Oh, boy! The sheriff actually met the freak when he was a nerdy kid himself, so I guess they had some kind of rapport. This led to the improbable scene in which the sherrif reasons with Pumpkinhead, a 7 1/2 foot creature that looks kind of like a dinosaur. But I'm sure he has wonderful communication skills.

If you're a fan of B horror, Pumpkinhead 2 was made for you. It has everything you could want, well almost. It has no story, terrible acting by d-list(at the height of their fame) actors and awful special effects. This is clearly illustrated when a certain character gets decapitated by Pumpkinhead. It's the worst fake head since Death Ring. Sid absolutely loved this movie. We saw it years back, loved it then and still do. The only thing that could have made it better was if Buddy and Charles joined the fat kid in the cast. You're telling me seeing Scott Baio getting torn apart by Pumpkinhead wouldn't make you happy?

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/PUMPKINHEAD_2:_BLOOD_WINGS/trailer/P00044933.htm

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-07-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

This weeks clip comes from the panda bear action legend himself, Steven "Myers" Seagal. This one is called submerged and appears to be a rip off of his own film Under Siege. Only you Steve would make an even more b version of one of your own films. I guess he got sick of looking under the seat of his 83 ford escort for change to afford a meal on Mcdonlds dollar menu and figured, "Under Siege made me enough money to put on 187 extra pounds so why not make another version with much less of a plot and much more myers hair?."

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=717983

A few clips just for the fun of it.

2008-07-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

This is a wonderful youtube find. Good Lord, that's comedy. Pay special attention to the fat female cop 28 seconds in. She may have been diving in case this loon had a gun, but Sid would like to think she tripped and ate it that hard. You know what, while we're here, let's get a look at a similar clip. Yeah, what the hell. It's the trifecta. Here's a third clip featuring the one, the only Chris Hansen, who Sid loves, by the way. Look for some Hansen clips in the near future. You will freaking love it.

THE BLOB: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-07-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

Chad McQueen stopped making movies, so Sid was forced to move on to his B father, July 18, 2008

This is an historic occasion in the reviews of us, Sid the Elf. The Blob is the first ever Santa pick. A Santa pick is any film that would get a "aww cool," upon Santa entering the room. Don't be surprised if you see a Santa pick from time to time, but don't expect anything too crazy. Let's just say that Maltise Falcon won't be gracing Sid's reviews anytime soon. This is also historic because The Blob starred a young Steve McQueen, better known as Chad McQueen's father.

The Blob starts off with a completely Pink Pantheresque opening credits sequence, and it's hilarious and hypnotizing at the same time. A tiny meteor lands at the feet of an old man who has a distinctly Iggy Mandlebaum look. This idiot pokes the rock with a stick, and sets the Blob free. Rightfully so, the Blob immediately jumps on Mandlebaum's hand and begins to consume him. While writhing in pain the old man is almost hit by a car driven by Steve(played by Steve). So, McQueen and his steady date get out of the car to see if the old man is ok. It's just before this sequence that we first see McQueen's buddies. One is Jake Ryan's father Jake Ryan. These guys are the biggest queers, but they must have been cool for 1958. So, Mcqueen and Jane bring the old man to the doctor's. This part is great because the doctor doesn't have a clue. Just hillarious. But, even funnier is when the Blob eats the doctor and the nurse after it finishes off the old man.

So, by this time, the Blob is getting big. He gets bigger as he eats more people. So, apparently in 1958 it would have been technologically impossible for the Blob to be an actual Blob or anything better than what we got, but it dragged the movie down. When they show the Blob at this point, it has the same animation as an old school Disney movie. If the same guy is drawing Prince Charming and a supposed man-eating horrifying creature, something isn't adding up. The point here is, if you can tell that the thing is drawn, it makes it decidedly unscary. Killed the whole horror aspect of one of the supposed classic B horror flicks. But it wasn't all bad. The Blob showed it could hang with Sid when it decided to eat a whole diner. Yeah, awesome. But, the awesomeness ended quickly when McQueen discovered that the Blob hates and shrinks away from cold. Yeah yeah me too. So that's how they contain a man-eating terror, a damn fire extinguisher. Goly gee, that was simple. Jeepers, we should have thought of that before. Oh well, let's celebrate over some malts! Does it hurt, baby?

This movie was a drive-in classic. And maybe it shouldn't be expected to hold up over time. It's probably impossible due in large part to the inventions of special effects, sarcastic humor and premarital sex. They actually set off a frickin air raid siren in this movie! That's how dated it is. Naturally, Sid spent 80% of the movie making fun of the goofiness of the characters and especially McQueen. He was 28 here, playing a 17 year old, but he looked like he was 50. Who knew that it's actually Steve McQueen Syndrome and not Luke Perry Syndrome like we all thought? Sid remarked more than once that it's a small miracle that Steve McQueen had a kid as badass as Chad McQueen. Good for him though, at least he was a success at something. But it wasn't making The Blob a sweet B horror.

GHOST STORY: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-07-22T14:19:00.001-07:00

Any real horror fan can appreciate the old school scares of Ghost Story,

July 22, 2008

Ghost Story was released in 1981, adapted from a novel of the same name. Sid has never read the book, admitedly, but we really can't imagine it being better than this great movie. The film stars Fred Astaire, John Houseman and others. Sid remembered seeing this flick one late night on tv. It scared the everliving out of this young elf then, so we decided to see if it held up today. So, we settled in with a little of the sacrament, and an inordinate ammount of food, sat back and watched a great horror flick. And if you were there, you'd have been like ahh sweet.

Ghost story is centered around a group of guys called the Chowder society. We see them as young men and old men. As young men, they are a fruity barbershop quartet type of group. As old men they aren't much better, the're snooty old fogies. Except for Fred Astaire, you couldn't even make fun of him too much here. This actually works for the story though. You're not supposed to totally like these guys, but you're supposed to kind of like them and that sucks you in. The basis of the Chowder Society is telling ghost stories. In their old age, the members have become unsettled. They are having nightmares, and one of them, Edward, dies. He is wandering around in the snow following the death of his son. He suddenly sees the hideous face of a creature. It looks like a dead woman whose corpse has been rotting for a very long time. Obviously, this scares him. It sends him over a bridge, falling to his death. Ironically, or maybe not, his son fell out of his high-rise window after seeing his girlfriend turn into that same horrible creature. This brings Edward's other son, David into town, wanting membership into the Chowder Society. So, he has to tell a ghost story. He tells one about his brother's girlfriend. Years earlier, he dated the same woman, but dumped her because she was cold to the touch and also because she was ugly. But she did put out a ton. I mean David was getting just a huge ammount of booty. A yooogge...ammount...of booty. Then his brother Don tells him that a woman stopped him on the street years later and thought he was David. David warns him, but his brother doesn't listen, dates this woman and she ultimately kills him then kills their father. Creepy.

Now comes the why of all this. The old guys tell a ghost story of their own. 50 years ago, when they were in school a young woman came to town. Each of the guys wanted to make her a member of their personal chowder society. Giggety! Shockingly, she looked just like the woman who killed David's father and brother. Well, you know, when she was her normal ugly self, not the super ugly creature who caused two men to plunge to their deaths. So, she and Edward, David and Don's father, are all set to make a sexy time. But this yambag's bird is earthbound. What a loser! What a freak! Good. Good. More for you and me. This little scene was hilarious, just trust us. Then, this broad is making fun of Edward for his um, issue. And, to shut her up, he gives her a smack/push and she smashes her head against a stone fireplace. The Chowder Society thinks she's dead. Damn, now they all have to take turns with young Fred Astaire. Anyway, these are all promising young guys. If they admit to killing this girl, game over. So, instead, they stick her in the back of a car and push the car in a lake. Just as the car is being submurged, the girl starts to move. And the last we see of her alive is her screaming for help behind the back window of the car. The guys just stand on shore, stunned. They don't try to save her or get help. They let her die, and now she's back to haunt them all.

David suggests that they go to the girl's old house to end the madness. The ghost's accomplices (don't ask) are there and they bump off one of the old men, and almost kill Fred Astaire. Eventually, Fred Astaire goes to the cops and they pull the car up. He and David confront the ghost/corpse and all is well.

We just glossed over the ending of the film because it was terrible. As we said earlier, Sid saw this flick as a young elf and was terrified. As Sid remembers, the movie ended with the chick looking out the car window, and the car becoming submurged in the lake. Aparently, we blocked out the crappy ending. We really liked this movie. It was entertaining, ubercreepy, you could even go as far as saying it was kind of scary. As we said above, it was an old school horror. There is almost no blood and guts in this flick, and it certainly doesn't have one of the Freddy/Jason/Myers type of killers, but Sid thinks that the creativity and creepiness has a warmth and sensuality that can't be touched. And if it ended with the car dipping into the lake, this is a top 10 all-time horror movie. That awful ending knocked the flick down a peg in our eyes, but not enough to take a star away. This is a 5 star horror flick. Check it out, but turn it off when the chick is underwater.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/GHOST_STORY/trailer/P00000370.htm

Black Dawn: 2 out of 5 stars

2008-07-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Segal revives the Jonathan Cold character, the Michael Myers hair, and the 70's pimp suit all in one movie! , July 16, 2008

Black Dawn was made in 2005. For those of Sid's readers who are not Segal historians, this was right in the middle of his one foot off the cliff stage in his career. Meaning, he was on a self-destructive path that miraculously ended in Segal becoming the king of straight to DVD action rather than killing himself. The movies he did during this period were attrocious at best. He must have realized how horrific he looked on camera at this point because it was here that he started producing as well as staring in these flicks. Thankfully, Segal threw in the towel on looking presentable in his films, gained an extra 50 pounds(for a total gain of 195 since Out for Justice), grew out the Myers hair more, and gave us a classic in Pistol Whipped hopefully with more to come. The tagline for Black Dawn is "It's always darkest before dawn." Sid's theory on this is that it had nothing to do with the movie. No, it must have symbolized a sad night when Segal arrived at his local Wendy's just after it closed. He probably got a Santa-like far away look in his eyes and contimplated life, arriving at the conclusion that he couldn't get his usual 80 nuggets and life just isnt fair. If Sid was forced to come up with a tagline for Black Dawn, it would either be "Steven Segal or the former Duran Duran rodie: Which guy's got it?" or maybe "Don't waste your time." This film was awful, and that's saying something considering Sid's love for Segal. The movie started out well enough. Segal plays Jonathan Cold(awesome name) again. Aparently, this is a character from another Segal masterpiece. It had Segal as a rouge ex-CIA agent like he always is now in his movies. Except, after that it kind of got blurry. Sid remenbers a few former Duran Duran rodies, or maybe they were former Depeche Mode rodies. Either way. And there was an appearance by McGyver's Richard Dean Anderson's brother Richard Dean Anderson. There was also a terrible scene when Segal and the B Nicole Kidman were driving. It looked just like when people drove in movies in the 50's. You know, there was an obvious seperation between the background and the actors. Does this mean that there have been no technological advances in movies in 50 plus years? No, sadly it just means that 90% of the film's budget was wasted on Segal's dressing room Arby's spread, his robes, and massage oils. And believe us, the film suffered. What about the part at the end when Segal was throwing the Depeche Mode rodies' bomb into the water? It looked like plastic. The effects in this movie just could not have been worse. It even got to the point where Sid got tired of making of Segal. Well, except for his awful suit. It was an old-school brown pinstripe 56 long and portly at the same time with a crappy off-white shirt and an even crappier yellow tie. And it looked worse than it sounds. It was designed by the famous Burlington designer Knights of the Round Table. And it was topped off by a pair of Honchos. That was wonderful, the highlight of the movie. Well, you know a movie is terrible when the highlight was Segal's $45 ensamble. It was that rare kind of film that was only 90 minutes long but it seemed to last forever. That's not a good thing. Segal, of course, has since made a major resurgence. But, this film might have been Segal's worst effort. He had only the begining stages of his now famous Myers hair and panda bear face. And he didn't even talk like he was an aging dude from the hood. You still couldn't understand what he was saying, but there wasn't a hint of ghetto slang. Very disappointing. In fact, in keeping the old Sid tradition, let's give this one a new title. Instead of Black Dawn, it's now Brown Pile.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/BLACK_DAWN/trailer/P00944836.htm

Deep Inside the Vault

2008-07-10T19:45:00.001-07:00

This little clip is to honor one of Sid's all time favorites games Mike Tyson's Punchout. This was before Iron Mikes super terrific breakdown where he went chomping off opponents ears. At this point he was the balls of boxing and had one of the sweetest NES games based around him. This clip gives props to some fat nerd taking him out in the 3rd round. I suspect he used that game genie thing for some assistance but it's still a cool clip. Well unless you're only like 17, then you have no idea why this is so entertaining.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5Vk0LFvj2Y&feature=related

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-07-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

Isn't everyone just a little creeped out by clowns? It's just not normal to get all that satisfaction out of making balloon animals for bratty kids who kick you in the shins all day long. When you see them strutting around with that huge smile you just know these are the people who most likely have a family in their freezer. That is why this weeks pic is the 1988 horror Clownhouse. Sid saw it at a young age an was pretty freaked out by it. Not sure if it will stand the test of time but we will probably let you know in the near future.

http://videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=551

Great B News! A sequal to Gingerdead man has been made

2008-07-07T16:58:00.001-07:00

Sid has just been blown away after reading an article on Full Moons website stating Gingerdead man 2 will be released straight to video on July 8th (lucky us). Judging by the trailer I think we are in for something special. It appears to be equal to the writing and special effects of Wicked Games. This one is so bad that they couldn't even pull totally insane washed up Gary Buesy to do the gingerdead man's voice for the sequal. You can expect a Sid review within the next month or two, but for now here is the stunningly bad trailer.

http://www.joblo.com/video/arrow/player.php?video=ginger2

You Remeber These: Men at Work

2008-07-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

While crusing around this Sunday afternoon a hilarious song came on the radio which immediately brought me back to the year 1994. The song was "You can dance if you want to" by Men at Work, the show was beavis and butthead, and the memory is still burned in my brain to this day. Sid was at a very young age and enjoying the usual Saturday night containing many 7-11 trips, a lot of b, and beavis and butthead from 11-12 then repeating at 2-3. This particular night was when the boys had this Men at Work video on and Sid loved it. It was so hilarious that at one point orange soda was spewed all over the carpet and went down in our long history of good times. What now makes this song so great is the freaking elf doing the ralphus dance through the whole video. It's just so good that Sid must share it with the world.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcOZ6xFxJqg

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-07-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

Being that Sid is quite the festive fellow it's only right to bring you an action clip in honor of the upcoming 4th of July celebration aka It's a celebration bitch! This one is something else. Within the first 10 seconds you will see a member of the world renown Death Ring Alumni sporting a heathly Chuck Norris style mullet. It always goes down smooth. It is known as Hard Vice and was brought to you by A-Pix, the same company to grace the B world with such films as Jack Frost 1&2. It stars Shannon Tweed, an old favorite of Sid's childhood, and promises to deliver terrible acting, foul language, and plenty of nudity. Happy Times.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?PublishedID=215359

ROSEMARY'S DOES IT HURT BABY: 1 out of 5 stars

2008-07-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sid is renaming this one. It's now Rosemary's Does It Hurt Baby, July 2, 2008

Is Rosemary's Baby a horror classic? Well, conventional wisdom says yes, without a doubt. It was made in 1968, placing it in the early stages of horror prominence. And, certainly, it was more difficult to make a horror film back then. Remember, this was before somebody said "You know what? I really don't need a plot here. I'll just have a killer run around after people for an hour and a half." So, this film had to have a plot, which it did. But it wasn't anything special. The number of scares in the 2+ hours: Um, roughly, ZERO. If you have no idea what the movie is about going in, you think it's a story about a young couple and the bad food they eat all the time until the satanic love scene of course. While we're here: Bad job by Satan there. He left scratches all over Rosemary! You gotta be a little more gentle in that situation. No wonder why she started to get turned off of the whole project.

The film is centered around a young couple, Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse(great porn names)who have just moved to Manhattan. They get this place that is ubercreepy and they're even warned BY THEIR REALTOR about the sketchy history of the place. But, yeah, they'll take it. Good call, Woodhouses. Guy is a struggling actor who wants to succeed. He becomes extremely close with the old couple upstairs, even foregoing a sexy a time with an eager 1968 Mia Farrow to hang out with the old man. Anyway, the Woodhouses are given some chocolate mousse by the old lady. Rosemary's is laced with something and it gets Rosemary all messed up. She doesn't eat all of it though, so she's just kinda half in the bag instead of all the way gone. So, Guy takes her to the old couple's place where Satan has his way with Rosemary in an obviously disturbing ritual. It's here that you see that the old couple and Guy are actually part of some sicko club. So, now Rosemary's pregnant. But, she thinks it was Guy that made it with her when she was passed out. I guess that was acceptable back then. She is then persuaded to choose Mr. Morris from Pretty Woman as a doctor over Charles Grodin. Bad call. The doctor makes her drink the shakes the old lady makes her everyday. He says no pre-natal vitamins or anything. And it takes her like 8 1/2 months to want a second opinion.

So, Guy is now a successful actor now that his chief rival has been stricken blind. It's obvious by now that he has literally made a deal with the devil. He traded his first born son for a good career of Broadway acting, a third-round draft pick and future considerations. How did this work? Was there a negotiation process? While we're here is Satan the New England Patriots GM? And the old people, the doctor, and seemingly half of New York are witches. They take the baby from Rosemary after telling her he was stillborn. She finally knows what's going on and goes to the old couple's apartment to find her demon child in a black draped crib with an upside-down cross mobile($11.99 at Babies-R-Us). She's immediately horrified, then recovers quickly to rock the demon-child to sleep. Talk about resiliency. The credits roll and you immediately want the 2+ hours of your life back.

Maybe this movie was scary in 1968, Sid doesn't know. If it was, then it holds up remarkably badly over time. There were roughly 85 missed chances to make the movie actually scary, and about the same number of times Sid said "When is something going to HAPPEN in this stupid movie?" It just moved so slowly. They could have shaved at least 30 minutes off of the film. Was it an innovative and different film? I guess, for its time. Was it one of the best horror films of all-time? No it is not true. The best part of this film was making fun of it. The number of jokes on this one was through the roof. That's the only reason it got the measly 1 star. But if Sid can have fun waiting in a long line for a loaf of semolina on a Sunday morning, you better believe he made this film worthwhile by cracking jokes. You had the go-to, "Wow, the guy from the Dirty Dozen is all over Mia Farrow. I bet Sinatra had him whacked out immediately after filming wrapped." And you had a five minute stretch when Grodin was in the film of nothing but jokes like "OK, Rosemary. Get into the paper gown, and nurse Beethoven will be in in a minute." And, "Grodin must have welshed on his deal with the devil." Also, of course, the old Family Guy joke: "We're playing house. Um, Roman Polanski's house." It was fun to rip this movie apart, but other than that, Sid thought it was a waste of time. Also, if this is what passes as "a horror classic," look for Sid the Elf's first horror script "Come On Down Here, Baby." to be released early in 2010. Just give us 45 minutes to write it.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/ROSEMARYS_BABY/trailer/P00823330.htm

BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD DO AMERICA: 5.0 stars out of 5

2008-07-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Shut up dumbass! You didn't score. I scored with both of 'em, July 2, 2008

Seriously, was there a better time to be a teenager than during the Beavis and Butt-Head era? If your days consisted of making idiotic jokes with your friends, watching/making fun of tv, and eating nachos all day these guys were your heroes. In fact, Sid the Elf still think the guys rule. That's why we decided to relive a seminal moment in our adolescence: When Beavis and Butt-Head came to the big screen. Yes! We were never more excited to see a movie than this one. And, it didn't disappoint in 1996. But, Sid did an experiment to see if it would hold up today. The result..."This rules."

So, the boys' lives pretty much revolve around tv. And when they wake up from a couch nap, they discover their tv has been stolen by two hilarious looking guys by the way. Their mission, therefore, is to find a tv--any tv--and watch as much of it as they can, immediately. Could there be a better premise for this movie? They try everything. They try to steal one from their school, but they destroy it. They go into Anderson's camper, but Beavis spits soda out all over his tv and shorts it out. With nowhere else to go, they stumble into a low-crotch motel room to watch some tube. But, the room is occupied by Muddy Grimes, a tough-ass who mistakes the guys for the two hitmen Grimes has hired to kill his wife. So while Grimes is using the term "do my wife," to mean kill her, the guys think they are going to get paid to "uh, DO her. huh uh huh huh." Awesome scene. Then Grimes drives them to the airport and puts them on a plane to Vegas to find Dallas, Grimes's wife. It's here that Beavis meets the "slots" lady. She is like the key to the movie. Her scenes are wonderful. Of course, she's saying slots, talking about how many of them there are in Vegas. But Beavis thinks they're talking about sluts, just highest of high comedy. And the old lady keeps on giving. She calls the guys "Travis and Bob." Just hilarious for some reason. Then, she gives Beavis some caffeine pills and perpetuates our first Cornhollio appearance.

Beavis and Butt-Head then find Dallas Grimes. She figures them out in about 2 seconds and plants a micro-weapon on in Beavis's pants so the cops won't find it. Then she puts them on a Washington D.C. bound tour bus, promising them that they will meet up in D.C. and they will get to do her. Yes! So they get on the bus, and off the bus, and cause some damage and meet some new friends and old, including Bill Clinton at the White House. They also manage to narrowly avoid the ATF, who is after the weapon in Beavis's pants, and their cavity-search happy leader. Obviously, all ends well for the guys. The Grimesesesssses are eventually arrested, and guess what? They find their old friend, the tv sitting on the side of the road. So, they scoop it up and walk off into the sunset on their way home, calling each other names along the way.

Since there is so much going on in this movie(shockingly true), Sid will just give you a list of the highlights. First and foremost, the scene with the guys' dads must be mentioned. It is hands down the coolest and funniest scene in the movie. Beavis and Butt-Head are wandering through the desert and they happen upon two guys around a fire. These guys are the perfect embodiment of what Beavis and Butt-Head will look like in 30 years. They are former Motley Crue rodies(perfect)and they tell a story: They once hooked up with these two chicks in a dump town called Highland. Yeah, it was cool. Then the best moment of the movie happens:Beavis's dad just goes, "Yeah, yeah. Me too." And this gets him a backhand from Mr. Butt-Head(whose voice is done by Davis Letterman which is kinda cool) and a "Shut up dumbass. You didn't score, I scored with both of them." Brings the house down everytime. There's even a great youtube clip including the sequence. A must-see. Beavis goes Cornholio again, in the White House, and asks a portrait of Nixon "Are you threatening me?" And causes a panic, throwing us into Defcon 4. They manage to implicate Anderson in the theft of the weapon, and he is arrested. After a full cavity search, of course. And, they are made honorary ATF agents by Bubba. The only fitting response:"Alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? Cool." Breathtaking. Beavis and Butt-Head was really a perfect mid-90's MTV show. It appealed to teens, pre-teens, and immature 20-somethings. It was wildy popular, beyond imagination almost. So this movie had to be done. Usually, that's a recipe for disaster. And there were some questions here. Will they go all-out and use the language and everything else to earn an 'R' rating? Will they do simply an extended version of the crazy-successful tv show? Well, the answer to both is no. And, Sid believes, it was these two decisions that made the film work. The movie was PG-13, so the meat of the fan base could enjoy the hype and see the movie on the big-screen. And there was actually a pretty intricate, fast-moving, totally unbelievable storyilne. Sounds like a pretty good way to keep Beavis and Butt-Head fans out of ADD mode for 90 minutes right? If you want a stellar night of the cheapest possible laughs, pop in Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, surround yourself with plenty of snacks and enjoy not thinking for an hour and a half. Dumbass.

Click here for movie trailer, huuuh huuh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M36P8MOIGOk

B Movie clip of the week

2008-06-28T13:46:00.000-07:00

This weeks clip is yet another early 90's horror from one of Sid's favorite production companies Full Moon. If you are not familiar with Full Moon then you don't know what you're missing (only if you love b otherwise you're not missing anything). The acting is a joke, the effects couldn't be worse, and their budget never exceedes a third graders weekly allowance. This beauty is known as Seed People and promises to deliver the goods. It looks like a 4-5 star effort to us.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?PublishedID=737508

Groundbreaking news: Don West is still alive!

2008-06-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

Being young there was nothing better then watching Don West at 1:30 in the morning on a Saturdays. Sporting a healthy mullet and wal-mart special denim shirt he would spout off deals on ancient boxes of cards in the loudest possible voice. At times he would get so red in the face that Sid was expecting him to pass out on camera, much like Santa after Brett would throw a touch down pass. He was a weekly addiction until the day he and his show disappeared off tv and left us in search of the gem mint legend. After years of searching we just gave up assuming he was living a modest life running a card table at a Tennessee Flea market, UNTIL TODAY. Word on the street is Don West will be hosting pay per view wrestling events. Here is the exact statement: "It has been officially announced that Don has been signed to be a broadcaster for TNA, a weekly pay-per-view wrestling bonanza. Starting Wednesday, June 19th, Don will... be Don... for $9.95 per show."

We can only hope that this statement found on http://www.donwest.org/ is true. If it is Sid can say nothing else but "Thats Amazing."

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-06-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

This weeks choice was almost too easy. When the stars of the show are Lloyd Braun and the coach from Rookie of the Year you know it is going to show up on our blog. Oh and did I mention it's an action movie because that kind of important. Yeah an action movie, awesome. This one is pure 80's delight and contains all the elements of a poorly made action flick during an era that you've come to cherish. It is known simply as Fast Money and can most likely be found on ebay for a starting bid of 4 cents with free shipping. Enoy.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?PublishedID=2651

FIRST BLOOD: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-06-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

You want some advice? Get a haircut and take a bath. You wouldn't get hassled so much.,

June 19, 2008

Sid the Elf has finally gotten around to reviewing First Blood. We figured that it was time to finish off the Rambo series. This movie is that rare breed of B. It's actually a good flick, but there's enough funny stuff/tough one-liners/explosions to make it possibly B. Then when you consider that Sly is the star, all bets are off. If he's in the movie, it's probably B with few noted exceptions. First Blood was actually a pretty assertive film in its time. It dealt heavily with the problem of soldiers returning from Vietnam. And, clearly, in the case of John J. Rambo it was a BIG problem. Sid has seen this movie roughly 10 times over the years, and it never lets up on the laughs. In fact, it's like a fine wine that gets better with age. First Blood stars the one and only Sly Stallone; if you don't know that, shame on you--really. It also stars Richard Crenna as Col. Trautman, Brian "Big Tom Callahan" Dennehy as the sheriff, David Caruso Deputy Mitch--seriously, and Dr. Phil as Deputy Sgt. Arthur Galt. Sid laughs over 600 times during a routine Rambo viewing, and could probably write a 30 page essay on the film but we will try to keep it manageable.

First Blood starts with Rambo walking along a country road in the Pacific Northwest. He is going to visit the last surviving member, other than himself, of his old unit from 'Nam. However, upon arrival at his comrade's house, Rambo learns that he died of cancer. This was a thinly veiled allusion to Agent Orange and other chemicals that 'Nam soldiers were exposed to, causing many illnesses. So, a devastated Rambo continues ambling down the road with his worldly possessions on his shoulder and his green Army jacket on his back. He's walking not two minutes when he is spotted by the sheriff. Oh man, it might not seem like it, but here's where the film gets interesting. Just on sight, Big Tom loathes Rambo. He's an old-school sheriff who wants no part of a greasy goomba drifter setting up in his town, and he pretty much says so. The title of this wonderful review is a direct quote from Big Tom himself to Rambo. Anyway, Rambo defies the sheriff, and gets himself thrown in jail in a must-see sequence. Just hilarious. While in jail, the deputies decide to mess with Rambo and they start to dry-shave him. Of course, this sends Rambo into a gargantuan 'Nam flashback. So he goes berserk, catches a deputy with the front, beats them all down and leaves the jail; but not before taking his confiscated knife back from the station. Sid's favorite part of the movie comes here, when Rambo needs transportation. He clotheslines some guy off his motorcycle then steals it and rides it into the woods. Hilarious. The cops give chase, but can't catch him. The sheriff's car ends up getting overturned, but he continues to give chase. He and his top deputy, Dr. Phil--in a helicopter-- have Rambo cornered and his only choice is to rappel down the side of a cliff. But, as he's hanging there, Dr. Phil decides to go against orders and take a couple of shots at the fugitive. Rambo then decides to jump from the cliff in the famous scene where Stallone really broke his ribs. While he's on the ground, he throws a big rock at the helicopter breaking its windshield. This causes the helicopter to bank hard, flinging Dr. Phil from the open door. He, obviously, falls to his death. We then find out that Rambo is a former Green Beret and Congressional Medal of Honor recipient. And, just like that, things take a turn. Rambo picks off like 2 more deputies, and gets a hold of the sheriff. He holds the hunting knife to Big Tom's throat in the transcendent "I'm the law out here. I could have killed you. Let it go" scene which leaves Big Tom sitting against a tree weeping like a little girl. Then Rambo's former mentor, Col. Trautman visits the scene, and he says things to Big Tom like, "I didn't come here to rescue Rambo from you, I came to rescue you from Rambo." Yikes. If it's me, I'm welcoming the staties and the National Guard with open arms. But, not Big Tom. He's pissed they're there. These guys are real yahoos, though. This, of course, includes the infamous "Bullseye!"/Kurt Rambis guy. Anyway, these yamsticks decide to shoot a rocket launcher into the cave where Rambo's hiding out. Then they just start celebrating, kicked off by Kurt Rambis. They finally go into the cave...and no Rambo. Nope, he's not dead in the cave. He's hijacking an Army cargo truck, swiping from it a huge M-16 and the famous ammo belt he throws around his shoulder.

Here's where things get crazy. And we start to see that Rambo is definitely crazy. Rambo decides to go back into town and just demolish everything. He crashes the Army truck into the pumps at a gas station, then sets fire to the trail of gas, causing one of the best explosions in action movie history. The gas pumps, the Army truck, and all the cars in the adjoining dealership all explode. Next, Rambo sets a gunpowder trail leading to a huge pile of ammo in a gun shop; so when he shot the gunpowder, explosions and rounds were going off like crazy. He shoots like 8 transformers and kills all the power in town so he could effectively locate the sheriff. He finally sees Sheriff Teasle on the roof of the police station, so Rambo goes into the empty station and shoots Big Tom through the ceiling. You know where it's going. Ouch. Then the sheriff falls through the ceiling and is laying there with Rambo's M-16 trained on him. But, at the last second Col. Trautman comes in and stops Rambo from killing Big Tom. Of course, they then have a Good Will Hunting "It's not your fault," moment. But, instead of it being poignant and well-acted, it's just completely forced and hilarious. Stallone was even doing his Rambo lines in the Rocky voice. It was great. Sid isn't sure if old Sly has ever been worse than in that final First Blood scene, and that's saying something. If you've never seen the awful ending to Rambo, or maybe just don't remember it, here's a gift from Sid to you.

First Blood is definitely a Sid favorite. So, we had to give it the full show with Drive-In Totals and everything.

1 clotheslined motorcycle driver

1 Army cargo truck-jacking

3 Dead dogs courtesy of John J. Rambo

1 cameo by Kurt Rambis

6 'Nam flashbacks

1 Rat attack

37 hard-ass one-liners by Big Tom Callahan

1 blown up sporting goods store

1 wrecked police station

4 people thrown/crashing through windows

3 awesome explosions

1 incoherent ending speech by Rambo

93 Rambo kills...

...and 1 woefully terrific Frank Stallone classic tune gracing the closing credits

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-06-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

This weeks clip is known simply as Frostbiter. Not only is it grammatically incorrect but it is also one of the worst movie clips Sid has ever graced his eye's on. This gem was released during 1994 (a golden era for b horror) and somehow seemed to have gotten lost in the shuffle. Maybe it was all the overflow success from Death Ring that kept this puppy out of the public eye or maybe it was just it was so b that no audience on planet earth would be able to view it without spontaneously combusting. We're not sure but are happy to present you with the chilling trailer. Actually the only thing chilling about it is the stream of urine that may trickle down you leg from all the laughter. We hope you enjoy.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?PublishedID=206050

RAMBO: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-06-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

Sly never disappoints. Even if it's not really him, just some guy wearing a Stallone mask, June 5, 2008

It's a double-dip this week. We polished off Rambo after the wonderful Forced Vengeance. Sid the Elf doesn't want to start a "Paul is Dead" type of conspiracy theory here, but are we sure that it was Sly in Rambo and not just some guy wearing a Sly Stallone mask? All right, we'll move on. Why Sly decided to revive Rambo, Sid doesn't know. Maybe it was because Rocky Balboa was well enough received. Maybe because he signed a new 3 picture deal(Lockup 2 has to be in the works. Please, Sly!). Whatever the reason, Sid couldn't be happier that John Rambo is back enforcing American righteousness. Even if the old boy Sly had to have botox injections between takes, it was worth it. Rambo was killer--seriously.

This time, Rambo lives in Southeast Asia. His existence is really simple and peaceful. Rambo actually seems happy, even if his first line in the movie was "f-off." He catches dangerous snakes in the jungle and sells them to a sort of circus. While he's selling off his latest catch, a missonary from Colorado, played by the priest from The Sopranos, approaches Rambo about renting his boat to take the group of missionaries into Burma. The plot thickens, literally.

Not wanting to go near the sensitivities about the Middle East, Sly decided on setting Rambo in Burma. He centered the film on the conflict between two factions there. In the words of Father Phil, "It's more like genocide." The missionaries want to go to Burma to help the group that is being slaughtered. Rambo expresses what Sid is sure everyone watching the movie was thinking: that going into Burma at that point is just a really bad, stupid idea. But, it's here that we see the softer side of Rambo. He lets Sara, who is one of the missionaries, played by the incomparable Julie Benz, talk him into taking them to Burma in his boat(there is probably the ultimate Quagmire joke to be made with that sentence, but Sid will keep this one clean). Not that we can blame Rambo here, she could probably coax Sid into oncoming traffic. Anyway, en route to their destination, Rambo and the gang encounter Burmese pirates. Of course, Rambo obliterates them. He then drops the group off, and tells them they're on their own and goes back to the pirates' boat to blow it up and destroy the evidence. You know these Burmese dudes are no joke if Rambo is covering his tracks.

About 10 days pass and Rambo gets a visit at his home while he's asleep in his hammock. He is told that the group of missionaries has been captured(shocker) and a band of mercenaries has been hired to get them. Rambo then agrees to take the mercenaries to the point he dropped the missionaries. The leader of the mercenaries is a real stroonz. He argues with Rambo without John J. even saying a word. He even commented on Rambo's "thousand yard stare," saying that he's "seen it all before," and that he's "not impressed." Anyway, when they reach their destination, Rambo sets off to go onto land with them. He's told to piss off basically. Unreal. He goes another route anyway, unbeknown to the mercenaries. When they get in trouble, Rambo bails them out. He then organizes the group to infiltrate the camp where the missionaries are being held. He gets them out, but now they have to reach safety. This proves rather tricky, and ends up being the climax of the film. Obviously, Rambo and the mercenaries have a massive firefight with the Burmese militants. This scene lasts for a good 10-15 minutes and is filled with a wonderfully abundant amount bullets and explosions. The best thing about it though was that it looked so realistic. Guys didn't go flying 10 feet into the air. They just crumpled against the ground. So, after they win(you knew they would) Rambo leaves. We then see him in his old Army jacket with his old bag walking along a road presumably in his hometown of Bowie, Arizona. He is at his father's ranch. As the closing credits roll, he approaches the house.

If you notice, Sid doesn't make too much fun of this one, well except for Sly's new weird face. The reason for this is that Rambo was a genuinely good film--seriously. It did have a ton I mean a TON of explosions and guys being ripped apart by large caliber bullets which never hurts the cause. There were 262 kills in Rambo, more than the first three films combined. Sid was surprised by this figure because it didn't seem like there were THAT many bodies falling. The reason for our surprise: the violence was integral to the plot. It underscored the fact that what was going on in Burma was deplorable. In the battle scene, Father Phil picked up a rock and bashed an attacker's head in with a purely visceral look on his face. A more clear symbol of man's survival instincts Sid cannot imagine. Here is a man who vigorously denounced killing at the beginning of the film, but changed when he had to. Sly must be huge on change. He uses it as a major theme in Rambo, just like he did in Rocky 4. And you know what? It's what pulled the film together. Sid really cannot even make fun of the scene with Rambo walking down the street at the end. It signified him coming full circle and finally exercising his demons. Under normal circumstances, Sid would have been hysterical at this sight. But it was actually nice to see some sentimentality and a layer added to a character who, up to that point had been just a killing machine. So, kudos to Sly for a really well-done effort. See Rambo, it is one of the better action flicks around.

Click here for movie trailer:
http://www.videodetective.com/movies/RAMBO/trailer/P00449257.htm

RAMBO III: 3.5 out of 5 stars

2008-06-10T15:34:00.001-07:00

Who are you? Your Worst Nightmare,June 10, 2008

On the heels of the extremely enjoyable Rambo(2008) Sid the Elf decided to finally review Rambo III. Also, due to the recent oppressive heat wave that has crashed upon the North Pole, Sid hallucinated and thought he was in an Afghan desert, so Rambo III just felt right. However, while First Blood (Special Edition) and Rambo: First Blood, Part 2 were clearly good enough to receive 5 stars from Sid, Rambo III fell short. Please note that we're talking about the movie here, not the transcendent Rambo III video game on Sega which would receive roughly 38 out of 5 stars. As always, visit Sid the Elf's Movie World for the Rambo III trailer, all our reviews; and some of our favorite pics, sound clips and videos. If you don't crack up at least 10 times on our site, you don't have a soul. Ok, back to the review.

This time, Rambo is somewhere in Asia living in a Buddhist monetary--now this is true. And, the first appearence in the film by John J. is at a seedy Asian fight club. He is stick-fighting some guy who looks like he just missed the cut to be in The Samoans. Anyway, Rambo is eventually approached by his old mentor, played by Richard Crenna. He needs Rambo to help him out with a mission in Afghanistan against the Russians. Rambo declines and Crenna predictably gets captured during the mission. So, word gets back to Rambo and he decides to...yep, infiltrate the camp where Crenna is a prisoner and bust him out. Rambo gets some help along the way from Bilo and Bilo's son. They give him some stellar backup, ammo and teach him a new sport. Apparently, in Afghanistan, the sport of choice isn't anything remotely cool. No, it's mounting a horse and carrying a gym bag covered in faux fur across a sort of goal line. "Like football," Rambo says. Um, yeah Rambo, kinda. This is one of the funniest and best scenes in the entire film. Not a good sign.

Now, Rambo makes it to the prison camp. He has to take out roughly 78 guys by himself. But, he has the wonderful old explosive tip arrows, a grenade launcher, and a ton of other awesome weapons. This is great and all, but where were these things being stashed? Did Rambo carry them in his black wife-beater? Were they kept in Bilo's cage? It was just a distracting thought. As in all action movies, the hero has to take out the top bad guy after he takes out the top bad guy's henchman. These were the shining moments in Rambo III, well, except for gym bag-horse football. Rambo takes out the henchman in quite possibly the coolest way in action film history. The henchman has Rambo in a ferocious bear-hug. Rambo wraps some rope around the guy's neck, pulls the pins from the grenades hanging from the guy's jacket, gets out of the bear hug, and kicks the guy down a hole leading to a cave. So, as he's descending into the cave he freakin' blows up! This scene is absolutely awesome. Above all else, if you're on the fence about seeing Rambo III, see it for this scene. If you like action at all, you will love this part. Then there is the little matter of Rambo vs. the head bad guy. He was the warden of the prison camp, the Russian Drumgoole. So, this guy is in a helicopter and Rambo is in a tank. These two are moving towards one another, playing chicken, but neither swerve. Sid would love some feedback on this: When the helicopter and tank crash, is it actually realistic that the guy in the helicopter dies and the guy in the tank walks away merely dazed?

Rambo III was a strange entity. It had no discernible plot, terrible acting, and the tired 80's theme of Evil Russians. But, it was a Rambo movie. So, you're guaranteed Stallone and an inordinate amount of explosions which make it watchable. This was an interesting point in Sly's career. Rambo III was preceded by Rambo II, Rocky IV, Cobra, and Over the Top. Impressive. His next film, after Rambo III, was the legendary Lock Up. Very impressive. But, after that, Tango&Cash, Rocky V, Oscar(which bombed but isn't awful), and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Wow. Nobody loves Sly more than Sid, except for maybe Santa, but this is just a laundry list of crap. Not good times for Sly. Did he and Frank try out their famous lounge singing act during this stretch? Anyway, thankfully Sly recovered and got back on track with...um,(scrolling through imdb feverishly)...Rambo(2008) was good! We'll give that one to Sly even if it wasn't him in the movie, just some guy in a Stallone mask.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/RAMBO_3/trailer/P00001377.htm

From deep inside Sid's vault

2008-06-09T15:16:00.000-07:00

Every now and then we feel it our duty to let the Sid fans out there in on some of our most protected material. What you are about to witness is a Japanese show we discovered many years ago entitled Journey to the West. Found only on public access (the same channel that aired the legendary Don West) every Thursday night during the mid 90's. It is extremely bizzare yet simply hypnotic. If you are like us it will suck you in and never spit you back out. Sit back and enjoy the Tang Priest on some of the strangest moments in Sid's television history.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nrzTxGZrV0Q

B movie clip of the week

2008-06-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

This weeks movie clip takes you back to the year 1992 which happend to be part of the best era for b classics. The reason for this pick was for pure sentimental reasons. Many a nights during the early 90's Santa would be sound asleep in his 70's looking lazy boy chair while Sid would be flipping through the pay channels in search for a film stating it had: nudity, strong sexual content, and violence. This is how we were introduced to the intriguing world of b films. We were simply looking for some softcore and realized that if it was combined with some explosions and terrible acting it could be a lethal combo resulting in pure B delight. Here you will see a clip that Sid would have & still would be more then happy to view. It stars former one time underage porn star Traci Lords and is called Intent to Kill. I challenge you not to laugh at what you are about to witness.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?PublishedID=3868

Here's a little afternoon delight

2008-06-06T17:25:00.000-07:00

Here is a clip of some of the best moments from the classic Beavis and Butthead Do America. This is one of Sid's all-time favorites and promises to generate the laughs. The ultimate clip in the montage is found at 4:37 minutes. Here you get to see Beavis and Buttheads fathers in one of the funniest moments you will ever see. It was also the inspiration for the title in our Forced Vengence review. Yeah, we're that good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQZ1DGWxwAo

FORCED VENGEANCE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-06-03T19:05:00.001-07:00

Less than 5 stars for Chuck just because he couldn't say "Shut up dumbass, you didn't score. I scored with both of them." , June 3, 2008

1982 was a big year for Chuck Norris. He released two terribly awesome or awesomely terrible movies. One was Silent Rage. The other is the reason your pal, Sid the Elf, has ended his Spring hiatus--Forced Vengeance. Also 1982 is the year in which a hairy chest and a blond mullet crested as the sign of masculine virility. What is not a sign of masculine virility, however, is having a tailor-made chance to have a hot fugitive threesome with a buxom blond and a dark beauty and not getting it done. Shame on you, Chuck. Really, that was the only thing Sid could find wrong with Forced Vengeance. I know it was 1982, but that could have broken down the barrier. We could have B action stars having orgies all over the place by now.

So, instead of something more aptly titled, "Unforced Entrance," we got "Forced Vengeance." And that's just fine with Sid. It is a Chuck Norris movie set in Hong Kong, after all. Chuck plays Josh Randall--no, not John Rambo, Josh Randall. He's a one-man security force for the Lucky Dragon casino, which was founded by Randall's longtime friend Sam Pacal and is now run by Sam's son, David. Early in the film we see Randall's whipping prowess. He goes to collect a $115k gambling debt and simply destroys the gamblers henchman. But we also see his gentle side when he chastises David for making a dishonest dealer walk through the casino bareassed. After a sexy...a time with his girlfriend Carrie, Norris gets back to the casino just in time to thwart a robbery with devastating barrages of roundhouse kicks that never come close to anyone.

Later, at Sam's house, David tells his father about a merger offer of sorts from Stan Raimondi. Raimondi is supposedly the leader of a crime syndicate and he wants to offer "protection" to the Lucky Dragon, but really he just wants to be there to see more bareassed dealers. So, Randall, Sam, and David go to see Raimondi. Raimondi offers Randall a job in an extremely awkward exchange Randall tells him, "Thanks, but no thanks." Raimondi replies, "I'm not a man who hears no very often." And just as one half Sid was saying to the other "Wanna hear it again?" Norris comes out with it. That's why we love the guy, he delivers. Norris then has a near run-in with Raimondi's goon, the second cousin of the "You talk too much" guy from Death Ring. This scene is important for many reasons, none more than than Norris spouts his favorite line in the movie again "Yeah, that's right" which is an old favorite of Santa himself. Randall then goes to Sam's only to find him and David murdered. The only one left in the family now is Joy, Sam's other kid, and the dark beauty mentioned above. So, Norris takes her and Carrie to a perfect rent by the hour motel complete with Asian Santa working the front desk. If ever there was an opportunity for Chuck to shoot the 3, this was it. But, no. Instead they go to see Laurence Fishburne's brother, Laurence Fishburne. This guy is an old friend who gives Chuck a sweet piece. And they have one hell of a look between them through which the sexual tension gushes. Chuck leaves the chicks with LeRoy Nicely--that's really the guys name--to track down some leads on Sam and David's killer. When he returns to Nate's(it totally sounded like Norris kept calling Nicely Nate, sending Sid into a frenzy every time) he finds Nicely badly beaten and Carrie raped and killed with Joy virtually unharmed by Raimondi's goon, Kam.

Holy Turbo Time. Now this is true: Chuck puts on his old Army uniform because he's going Commando. Oh! But, seriously, he's going on a mission to take out everyone involved in the Osirus syndicate. He takes out Raimondi by hanging him off the side of a yacht even though the noose had a good foot of room around his neck. It's a beautiful thing. Also in this sequence, Norris fights a guy who was the insiration for Robin Williams's portrayal of Popeye. Then he goes to get it on with the real head of Osirus, an old man in a wheelchair who is happily watching Tom and Jerry. Of course, he's flanked by Killer Kam. Yep, it's time for the last showdown. There is a horrifically delivered line by Kam, furthering the suspicion that he is the Asian Frankenstein. So, he and Chuck fight it out. Kam is legitimately whooping Chuck, but it's Chuck. He always manages to impossibly pull off the improbable. In honor of the end of Sid's Spring Break, you're getting drive-in totals. We knew you'd be thrilled.

18 roundhouse kicks

2 roundhouse kicks that actually looked like they landed

7 "Yeah, that's right" utterances by Might U.S. Warlord Premier Norris

7 1/2 breasts including Norris'

1 Popeye look-a-like

1 Asian Santa

13 "Your car thirsty, Chuck?"/Nate jokes

6 "Aren't you Laurence Fishburne's brother, Laurence Fishburne?"/Family Guy refrences

1 awful bathroom brawl. And...

...213 tough one-liners by the king of the one-liners, Chuck Norris!

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=738

You wanna see pretty boy Jesse Metcalf get dropped like a bag of dirt?

2008-05-21T18:00:00.001-07:00

Here is a little clip to brighten your day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9o8G1Z-5UYI

Sid the Elf's Link of the Week

2008-05-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

VS.

This is one of Sid's favorites: it's a prank made to a crazy woman using an Arnold soundboard.

Proud of myself? You're damn right I am.

B movie clip of the week

2008-05-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

This week's clip comes from one of our favorite eras of B, the early 90's. Yes the same time period that brought us Death Ring also had many other choice films including a lot of B horror. This one is known simply as "Grim." In this disaster it appears that a group of awful actors paid in chalupas unleash an ancient demon that demolishes anyone/thing in its' path. The budget couldn't have been more then $75 and the special effects had to be done by an elementary computer class that took the short bus to school. Kick back and enjoy this B horror masterpiece. I assure you it will not disappoint.

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/GRIM/trailer/P00005879.htm

HARD TO KILL: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Steven Segal and Kelly LeBrock reign as the King and Queen of B, May 8, 2008

In 1990, after an excruciating two year wait, the film world was blessed with Steven Segal's second masterpiece, Hard to Kill. The work of cinematic art also stars William Sadler(Heywood from Shawshank Redemption), and Kelly LeBrock. LeBrock and Segal were actually married at the time this film was made. LeBrock was one of the hottest chicks in the 80's, then ballooned up enough to cement her status as B with a Celebrity Fit Club appearance a couple years ago. How did Segal land her? How has he fooled people enough to appear in 20 films? It's like the guy has the whole world hypnotized. Considering how irrelevant they both are now, how funny is it that they were married. And until 1996. I can't even imagine how their relationship was at the end there. Did Segal divorce her because she finally beat him in a hot dog eating contest and he couldn't stand it? I don't get it, but it somehow adds to the b of Hard to Kill doesn't it? You know what else does? The plot.

In the movie, Segal plays Mason Storm, no seriously. Storm is a cop(shocker!) who films some mobsters and a politician making some illicit deal. When he gets home, corrupt cops who are in on the deal, shoot up Segal and his family. His wife is dead, Segal is in a coma, and his son jumps out the window but survives. Words cannot do it justice, believe me it was awesome. And a little tough to take. Segal got totally lit up. Sid always thought Segal's ponytail grease would save him somehow in moments like this. And, one of the corrupt cops was the guy who got forked in the hand by Denton Vachs! If you don't know what movie that's from, shame on you.

So, Segal is in a coma for SEVEN years. And his smoking hot nurse falls in love with him while he's in the coma. Are they serious? Were they intentionally going for the soap opera parallels? The portion of the movie that featured Segal in the coma and trying to recover from being a vegetable for seven years was the best in the movie. It kept on giving. There was the unforgettably uncomfortable scene when LeBrock lifts up Segal's bedsheet while he's in the coma to get a look at the Segalsage. Her reaction when she saw it: "PLEASE wake up." Oh the baby! Then, once Segal was out of his coma, he gave himself acupuncture to regain the muscle function in his legs. Read that again. Obviously, Segal gets his son back. The kid has been living with Segal's old partner. Segal ends up finding out that Senator Vernon "And you can take that to the bank!" Trent was the politician talking with the mobsters the night he got shot. So, he goes to Trent's mansion and kills like 15 of Trent's men before holding the Senator at gunpoint. Just then, the cops bust in! And they don't arrest Segal, they arrest the U.S. Senator. Then, Segal is walking away with his son, the old tape Segal shot is playing-and it ends. The credits roll, as they would in any self-respecting B.

Hard to Kill will be as ridiculous for you to watch as it was for Sid to try to review. But, if you can watch it while imagining Segal and a buddy sitting in Segal's house trying to write the script it will be just a hilarious, transcendent movie watching experience. The number of times Seagal said things like, "Yeah, then I have atrophy from the coma. And I...I give myself acupuncture to cure it!" must have been astounding. And, this movie has historical significance. It is the first time Segal wasn't indestructible in his movies. The only other time this happened was in Executive Decision. During that filming, Segal's tantrum over the fact that he dies in the movie held up shooting for three days. That's the Segal we all know and love, with an ego as big as his giant gut. So, if you feel like laughing at the man who once gave us the quote: "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol" then watch Hard to Kill. Sid recommends!

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/HARD_TO_KILL/trailer/P00001041.htm

THE FINAL SACRIFICE: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Final Sacrifice is the greatest thing produced by Canada since--um, well, ever. April 30, 2008

It might seem a little strange that we, Sid the Elf, are reviewing The Final Sacrifice. You know, considering that it's not on the MST 3k dvd and all. But, Sid only cares about the B; and he would be doing himself and his fans a great disservice by not informing you about this great MST episode. If you've never heard of The Final Sacrifice, finish reading this review then head over to sidtheelf.blogspot.com, where you can watch the movie and eventually read all our reviews and see lots of other cool stuff. Sid defies you to spend less than 30 minutes there. Anyway, on to the review.

The Final Sacrifice is a terrible low-budget Canadian film made in 1990. Its main character is a horribly awkward teenager named Troy MacGregor. He apparently is an orphan, and one day he stumbles upon some of his dad's things. This includes a treasure map-seriously. So, he naturally follows the map in order to figure out some things about his dad. A classic moment happens when he finds a picture of his father and the MST guys say, "Look, Larry Csonka!" This was great because the guy was a dead ringer and because they played off of this joke for the rest of the show. So, Troy is following his treasure map and he suddenly is being chased by a creepy cult. The distinction of these guys was that they all wore black masks and black t-shirts(except the one guy who had a dark gray one; guess they couldn't spring the extra $5). These are the guys who supposedly killed Troy's dad, and now they're after him. They want to make Troy The Final Sacrifice. Now you get the title, right?

Troy finally finds a truck and hides in the bed. The truck belongs to the one and only Zap Rowsdower. "Is he a makeupless clown?" was the response from the guys. Awesome. This guy was either the best actor that has never worked again, or never worked again because he's a horrible actor. He so overdelivered his first line that it has become a staple in Sid the Elf's line playlist recently. For the record, the line is "Name's Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." He actually delivered the line like it was cool, like this was going to be his big break or something. Zap Rowsdower? He thought that was going somewhere? Even a porn producer would have said that the name sounds too made up. Anyway, the only way the actor(Bruce J. Mitchell) could be thought of as good was if it's a given that Rowsdower is supposed to be a fat, ridiculous drunk. If this is the case, Bruce deserved an Oscar because he nailed that. The best Rowsdower jokes were "Is there beer on the sun?" when Rowsdower is looking into the sky; and "Yeah! My drinking arm is healed," when his drinking arm got healed.

Rowsdower becomes Troy's ally and helps Troy escape the black tees. They also employ the help of Mike Pipper, who can best be descibed as an old coot. He actually sounds like Yosemite Sam, which the guys take full advantage of at every turn. "Know him? He was delicious!" Troy learns from Pipper that Rowsdower used to be in the cult and possibly killed Troy's father! But he didn't, he was too wasted. And that's pretty much it.

The thing that makes MST so cool is that the movies they have on are completely utterly unwatchable on their own. Then, when you throw in the guys making their quips and observations BAM, instant high comedy. Sid knows he's not alone when he wonders how they ever took this off the air.

Click here for link to movie. This one must be seen to be believed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bJ7EmwNlyo&feature=related

MORTUARY: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

What were you expecting, honey? A tuna on rye?, April 10, 2008

Hello B fans, this is us, Sid the Elf, how are you? It's a double dip this week. We tackled Steven Segal in Pistol Whipped early in the week which naturally took a few days to recover from as the man is north of 400 lbs. Now we're back to review Mortuary. This film was directed by Tobe Hooper of Texas Chainsaw Massacre fame, which was probably the only reason it ever made a theatrical release. This one smacked of straight to dvd. Those of you who know Sid's reviews know that this is not a problem. In fact, there was a lot to like about Mortuary. We felt like the film had all the elements of being a certified 5 star B, but fell short.

The plot of the film revolves around the Doyle family which includes Mom(Leslie) and her two kids, Jonathan and Jamie. The mother, in her infinite wisdom decides to become a mortician. Of course! Isn't that the job of choice for every single mother with an 8 year old girl? So, Mom buys a completely dilapidated house in California. This place could be a real beauty though, with the embalming room for a basement and a graveyard in front. Sounds like a dream right? How could these people not know there was going to be trouble? Then Jonathan gets a job at the local diner where he learns the story of Bobby Fowler, who used to live in Jonathan's new house and some say still does. In a nutshell, Bobby was the great grandson of Zeb Fowler, who started the mortuary. Bobby was a disfigured freak when he was born so his parents covered his face with a burial shroud and locked him in his room with bars on his windows and everything. Good times all around. Legend has it that Bobby killed his parents and still lives in his old house. Before we move on, let's get something out of the way: Mortuary had two HUGE parallels to The Final Sacrifice, the transcendent Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie. By the way, look for a review of The Final Sacrifice from Sid as part of MST 3000 season 9 in a few weeks. First, the Zeb Fowler character. That sounds an awful lot like..."Hey kid, I'm Rowsdower, Zap Rowsdower." And, if you don't think Jonathan doesn't strike an eerie resemblance to the legendary Troy McGreggor, Sid doesn't know what to tell you.

At this point we're about 40 minutes into the movie and it finally starts to get really cool. That's Sid's problem with the film, they concentrated way too much on the family settling into the new house and blah blah blah. The only thing this accomplished was you got attached to the little girl, Jamie. This is essential in a horror movie, to have someone you absolutely do not want to be harmed. She was it, anyone else would have been fine. Not her, not her. Anyway, here you have the awesome scene where the townies(1 goofy guy and 2 smoking hot chicks) go into a crypt to have a quasi-threesome. Great scene because it was totally unexpected. So, they get attacked by this weird vine-like stuff and it turns them into zombies. Meanwhile, Mom is embalming a corpse, and she gets attacked by it and also turns into a zombie. Yep, a real zombie movie. Pretty cool idea to revive the concept. So now the zombies are after Jonathan and his friends, one of whom gets a zombie hand through the chest. Sweet.

Now, the crew is trying to get away from the zombies, including the mom. They eventually hit the epicenter of the evil activity that has been plaguing the house for centuries. It's like a well filled with evil. The zombies are trying to feed Jamie to it. Not cool. They have to find a way to prevent this. They finally do. You ready for what the solution was? Rock salt. Yeah, just pour rock salt into the well of pure evil. That should do it. But, whatever, you knew they were going to get away. So, they're walking away, finally through with the ordeal. Jonathan is skipping along merrily doing his Troy "Rowsdower!" routine. And the ground opens up and something grabs him! And that's it, the movie ends.

Was this to leave the door open for a sequel, or to just give it a cool ending? Sid hopes it's option B. This movie was definitely decent. It even had one or two scary moments. Like when the bodies attacked Mom, that was nice. If it's Sid, he's saying the flick is worth checking out if you're an avid horror fan. However, it wasn't good enough to make a sequel. All in all, a tough movie to rate. Sid says when in doubt, 3 hot chicks in the movie = 3 stars.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/MORTUARY/trailer/P00923626.htm

PISTOL WHIPPED: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

Wait a minute, Steven Segal plays a fat, washed-up drunk? Yeah it's a stretch but Sid took a chance., April 7, 2008

Why was the title of this film Pistol Whipped? Is it because you feel like you were repeatedly hit in the head with a heavy metal object when you are through watching the movie? Maybe. It certainly didn't have a lot to do with the movie itself. It could have been called Pistol Snatched because Segal did his move where he grabs a gun that's pointed directly at him and disables it. So, at this point, the use of a gun in a Segal movie means nothing. It actually is more advantageous to not be armed. Sure, right. This is the same film in which Segal-who seriously looks like a panda bear at this point-hooks up with a smoking hot chick and has an even smoking hotter ex-wife. The point is that you have to know going in that this movie makes no sense. Absolutely none whatsoever; so don't try to figure it out or you'll end up cross-eyed with a blistering headache. Just sit back and bask in Segal's warm, glowing warming glow.

Segal stars as Matt(no last name given at all how great is that?) who is a degenerate gambler who never won. He's also a fall down drunk who has ballooned to roughly 415 since his days as a rouge cop. See, Segal used to play rouge cops, now he's playing washed-up rouge cops. Just like he used to be a movie star, now he's a washed-up movie star. So, our main character spends his days drinking cheap whiskey right from the bottle and eating Manwich straight from the can. Frankly, Sid was not sure if this part of the film was scripted or if they just shot a day at Segal's house. Then the thought dawned on us: if it wasn't scripted, Segal wouldn't have had clothes on.

Stealing a page straight from the Death Wish 3 playbook, Segal was offered to have a favor done for him if he killed someone. So, in order to have his gambling debts wiped off the books, Segal had to kill the coach from He Got Game, who was playing a mafioso. He also set the all-time record for saying "honest to God" 328 times in his only scene in the film which lasted like 6 minutes. Good times. Obviously Segal kills him, but this time he did it fashionably. Segal meets up with the coach at a restaurant, and clearly couldn't just take out the mobster without taking out his henchmen too. One of those henchmen got a fork through the hand. That's right, Death Ring style, baby! That's like an instant 3 stars anytime someone reminds Sid of the legendary Denton Vachs. Now the people who agreed to pay Matt the panda's debt don't let up and force Segal to kill more poeple. Shocker!

They want Segal to kill his ex-wife's new husband who is a cop. Supposedly, the guy is dirty, but we don't see that. We only see that he's great with Segal's daughter, including the touching scene when Segal can't spend the day with his daughter and the step-father berates Segal for being too drunk to hang out with the girl...again. Hilarious even if it wasn't the case (Segal was being forced to go on a hit assignment that day). But, then we see the stepdad kill the priest(don't ask, it's not important just know that stepdad is a baaad man). And, the movie wraps up with a showdown at the priest's funeral. It was Segal vs. the stapdad. Sid must say, this was one of the better shootouts in recent memory. Of course, Segal won. The cool part about the ending was Segal asked Stepdad, "Do you want to be buried or cremated?" before he killed him to which Stepdad answered, "Buried." Then, Segal blows him up and says, "You're cremated now, m'f'er!" Awesome!

We, Sid the Elf, know that it may seem like we were very negative about Pistol Whipped. No, it is not true. Pistol Whipped was the special kind of movie that the more things sucked about it, the better it was. If you know Sid, you understand. Anyway, this was completely due to the genius that is Steven Segal. The man stared in and produced this beauty. This saved the film because if Segal wasn't in charge of himself, he couldn't have talked like his illegitimate brother, Biggie Smalls, for the entire movie. He would have been ordered to redo his lines so you wouldn't have to turn subtitles on to watch the movie. He wouldn't have saved the production all that money on lights because any shot of Segal with his face in proper light would have made any viewer vomit. He didn't have to lose weight, as no other producer alive would have allowed him to be filmed boated and waddling around the set. Like we said, we loved Pistol Whipped. It's the cinematic equivalent of drinking heavily. You're confused throughout, you might not remember much, you may well vomit, and afterwards you feel hungover. But, did you enjoy the experience? Absolutely. Would you do it again? For sure. So, on the word of us, Sid the Elf, get a fifth of Pistol Whipped and turn it up. It always goes down smooth.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/PISTOL_WHIPPED/trailer/P00732213.htm

THE HITMAN: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

It usually rains in the Pacific Northwest. But when Chuck Norris is there it just hails...BULLETS!, April 3, 2008

The Chuck wagon keeps rolling with The Hitman. We, Sid the Elf, are only sad that eventually we will run out of Norris movies to review. Don't be at all shocked if we start reviewing Walker, Texas Ranger seasons soon. Anyway, The Hitman was a pleasant surprise to Sid. We knew the title, but we thought that there was no way Chuck would be playing a straight up hitman. He did, even if it was as an undercover cop. This just proves Chuck's depth, skill, and prowess as an actor.

At the start of the movie, Chuck plays a narcotics cop named Cliff Garrett. He is on a bust with his partner, who turns out to be dirty and shoots Chuck right in the chest, causing him to go through a plate glass window, fall three stories and land on a car. It was an absolutely harrowing sight to see a bloody Chuck being rolled into the hospital on a gurney. Somber mood in the North Pole at that point. Remember, this is Chuck, of course he wasn't dead. But he was pissed. He must have been really pissed, enough to infiltrate the mob undercover, become their top contract killer (or hitman, get it?), and painstakingly exact revenge on his bum of a partner and the gangsters who controlled him.

Now, Chuck goes by the name Danny Grogan, the fierce Irish hitman for the mob. Great names in this one, they probably took about 10 seconds to come up with. Adds to the B factor. He is called a mick several times throughout the film, which always gets a solid 8 on the comedy meter. And we thought we even heard Chuck call some guy a guido or something, and that always gets a solid 9 on the comedy meter if for no other reason than it makes Sid think of the legendary Dave Kleinfeld. Hey you, you wop! Anyway, imagine Chuck's already high level of toughness. Then it goes up when he plays a hitman, obviously. Now, he's playing an undercover cop hitman exacting revenge left and right! Ultra-tough, uber-tough movie all around. There was also a steamy love scene with Chuck, disturbing and hilarious at the same time. Speaking of disturbing and hilarious: what about the chunk of the film that focused on Chuck's To Catch a Predator-like relationship with the neighborhood kid? Made the film. The kid was being bullied by some mini-Nazis because he's black so Chuck taught him how to fight. Also, the kid went on to um... i guess star in Saved By the Bell: The New Class. Perfect! And, Sid really believes that Chuck used this opportunity to show that he could make an instructional karate video after The Hitman failed miserably. As a special added touch, the director, Aaron Norris(yep, Chuck's brother. Too good to be true, right?) gave us a fight scene between the black kid and his bully that has to be seen to be believed.

So, obviously, Chuck takes down everyone. The Italian mob, the French-Canadian mob, his dirty ex-partner, and the Iranian mob. The Iranian mob is possibly the most pivotal part in this film because their leader was a dead ringer for Borat. Sid is 138% convinced that Sasha Baron Cohen, or whatever, got high one night, caught The Hitman on cable at 2:30 am while eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch saw this guy and came up with the Borat character.

The Hitman definitely gets 5 stars from Sid the Elf. It had mobsters from Kazacstahn, the longest Norris mullet to date, and a future Saved by the Bell: The New Class cast member. There were too many tough lines from Chuck to count, including the famous scene that had Chuck calling roughly 24 guys "Camel Jockeys." You had an innumerable number of roundhouse kicks as always. And, introducing a new term to the reviews of B expert Sid the Elf, The Hitman had a DMF of 9. What is the DMF you ask? It's the Don Mattingly Factor. It has long been the theory of Sid the Elf that any good action B must have at least one guy that looks like Don Mattingly. You know, wavy mullet, handlebar mustache; all the things that make someone just look funny. Well, The Hitman had 9 by Sid's count! This is fitting because Don Mattingly's nickname? You guessed it. The Hitman. Coinsidence? Sid thinks not.

Click here for movie trailer. So tough it'll put hair on your chest:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/THE_HITMAN/trailer/P00003372.htm

HELLBOUND: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-18T08:51:00.001-07:00

How can evil be defeated? Simple, put it in a room with Chuck Norris. , March 26, 2008

Hellbound: Seriously, was this a 95 minute hallucination or one of the greatest B horror movies ever? Sid could go on forever about all the things that made this movie perfect in every way, but we will try to keep it reasonable. We decided on this one after watching what Chuck could do to a foe in a horror movie in the classic Silent Rage. In our review of that one, we begged Chuck to do a sequel. Little did we know that we didn't need one, as Hellbound more than made up for the absence of Silent Rage 2: Ramon's Revenge.

The film starts in the Middle Ages with some Crusaders burying the demon in a stone casket and locking it with daggers. The demon is played by the same actor as the bad guy in "The Final Sacrifice," or "Rowsdower!" as it was titled in its North Pole release. Anyway, flash forward to 1951 and two homeless men somehow find the tomb. Instead of leaving it alone, they pull the daggers out so they can sell the stones on the handles. Even as it was happening, you knew it was a bad move. Of course, the demon pops out of the tomb like he was Sid jumping out of a stocking and goes nuts. Flash forward again to "Chicago Present Day" where Chuck is a hardass cop. This is especially illustrated when a street tough mouths off to Chuck and Norris naturally punches the guy 10 feet into the air onto a parked car. O yeah, the street tough was the one, the only Iceman! That's right, THE Iceman. As in "The Iceman has melted. Two more and I'm coming for you, Vachs." From Death Ring. The reaction by Sid was one of hillarity, excitment and sheer amazement all rolled into one.

Now, this movie was released in 1993. For two reasons Sid really hopes it was shot shortly before its release and not shelved for a few years first. Number one, there's a good chance that Norris shot this classic on hiatus from Walker Texas Ranger. Also, if it was shot in that 1992-93 period Chuck and Billy Ray Cyrus were the only people not living in a trailer park with mullets like that. Maybe Chuck tapped into his inner Segal and grew the back out for strength. Who knows? Now the demon is killing holy men in Isreal. So, of course they send Chuck and his partner Vanilli. I know you're asking yourself "Why would they send a Chicago cop to Isreal to investigate a killer?" The answer is that the power of Chuck in a Sonny Crockett costume and with the mullet flowing can beat anyone or anything as we would soon find out.

At the end of the flick, Chuck is trying to rescue his love interest, played by Arnold's love interest in Kindergarten Cop, from the demon. So, it's Chuck Norris vs. a roomful of demons. No contest, Chuck wins. He always wins. We've now seen him take down terrorists, several Vietnimeese POW camps, and pure unadulterated evil. This man is totally insane. When Chuck is taking on the boss demon, he unleashed quite possibly the most killer move in film history. That's right, the slow-motion, double right legged kick. Words cannot do it justice. It was breathtaking. Another aspect of this movie that brought it into the pantheon of B was that it shattered two previously long standing records. One for times Sid asked "What the hell is going on here?" and one for times Sid asked "What is this, are they serious?" Two absolute must questions for a classic B to evoke from its viewers, as you already know.

Now, Sid always goes the extra mile for his loyal fans, so we did some research and found out that Hellbound was once upon a time shown on Joe Bob's Drive-In theater. It was even nominated for a Hubbie. Sounds strangely similar to a Sid the Elf Woody award. Hmmm. In honor of that, here are Sid the Elf's drive-in totals:

1 heart being ripped out

1 impaling

1 hooker being thrown from a window onto a cop car

2 breasts

1 attempted baby sacrifice

1 30 minute stretch of film that nobody understood...

and 5682 punches/kicks landed by Mighty U.S. Warlord Premier Norris

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/HELLBOUND/trailer/P00005457.htm

LEPRECHAUN 3: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-18T08:46:00.000-07:00

Anytime Sid the Elf's Irish cousin stars in a movie, Sid reviews it. That's the rule.,

March 21, 2008

Leprechaun 3 was a last minute choice by your pal, Sid the Elf. The greatest reviewer of b since the great Joe Bob Briggs, Sid was all set to pop in a Norris flick. But, then we decided to embrace our elf brethren in honor of St. Patty's day. Actually, there are a few tie-ins here. It is an absolute certainty that this flick was shown on Joe Bob's drive-in theatre. Many times. And Irish Sid took a cue from the b legend Chuck Norris himself. This little guy was kicking butt at an obscene amount. Sid was not exactly what you would call sharp during his viewing of Leprechaun 3, but we swore we heard Irish Sid say "I don't need a weapon, I am one" at one point.

This is in the all-time pantheon of late night cable movies because it had no plot at all. So, you could be watching the flick and flipping between like 3 other things at the same time and not miss a thing. You would catch Irish Sid doing something cool, like when he bit off the Indian pawn shop owner's ear then said, "Mmm, I like Indian food. So spicy!" Oh boy! That's genuine b. Then you could watch something else for 15 or 20 min, come back and not be confused because there was absolutely nothing going on except the leprechaun running around like a little nutcase. Perfect for what it is.

But, and we know this might seem strange coming from Sid, this one might have actually been a little too b for its own good. Just hear us out. They knew this movie was going to be terrible from the jump, that's when you start to see all those one-liners. Somehow though, it kind of works coming from an elf. He was actually the bright spot in the flick. They are God's little punchlines. And the chick was stacked so that's always good. Also, the main character, Scott was classic. He was the puniest, lamest, wimpiest geek! Anyone who got a "Rowsdower!" anytime he appeared on screen is going to get a baster up from Sid. That's all the good. Here's what killed the movie: there were no actors to hang your hat on. At least Jack Klompus was in 2. And Derrick Morris, Jennifer Aniston, and Larry were in the first one. There wasn't even anybody that could be pegged with the classic Dom Cruise, Sal Pachino type joke in Leprechaun 3. This is absolutely essential to a hilarious b viewing. The only candidate was the magician, who Sid commented might be Jimmy Baio. Only this guy wasn't funny. His acting was so bad that he couldn't be made fun of, it would have been too obvious. It was the acting equivalent of curling up in the fetal position to avoid being attacked by a grizzly bear. And the other reason this guy wasn't funny? It turns out he actually was Jimmy Baio. Just sucked the enjoyment right out of the flick.

One last thing Sid didn't mention, this was supposed to be horror. Again it tried to be more funny than scary which is a cardinal sin for a horror flick. The only thing that inspires fear about Leprechaun 3 is that you know there's a Leprechaun 4. And the premise of that one? Leprechaun in space. Read that again. The possibilities are endless. Look for a Sid review on that one in the near future.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/LEPRECHAUN_3/trailer/P00005443.htm

B Movie Clip of the Week

2008-05-13T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well this week is a sci-fi gem where the 2 stars are non other then Rowdy Roddy Piper and B veteren/Death Ring Alumni Billy Drago. After viewing this trailer you may feel that this is a joke but we assure you it's the real thing. Please kick back and spend 2 of the finest minutes of your life basking in the B glory that is called Sci-Fighters.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=38281

ABOVE THE LAW: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Segal uncorks the film world and takes it for the very first time!, March 10, 2008

This was a hugely significant moment in film history. Above the Law was the first ever film of the now legendary Steven Segal. Yeah, this was his first film, but the man looked like he was in the zone from the first second of the film when we see him in his karate getup with two of the most ferocious sideburns to ever grace the big screen. To set the scene, the movie was made in 1988, and it was set in Chicago. And to top it all off, Segal's name in the film was Nico Toscani. So, basically, this film stared Segal, a few other people we know, and about 35 Bernie Kosar look-alikes with black curly A.C. Slater mullets and all.

One of the people we knew was the infamous Sharon Stone. She was about 4 years away from her breakout role in Basic Instinct here, and clearly fell into the category of Not Ready For Prime-Time. She was far from hot. Actually, she looked "a little chubby." (direct quote from an honorary Sid the Elf member for part of the movie) They even had her play the wet blanket wife in this one. Another person we knew was Segal's buddy from Vietnam who later became the CIA guy. It was the guy who played Eddie Harris in Major League and the bum that tried to run Coach Norman Dale out of Hickory in Hoosiers. This guy's got it. When he was having his terribly acted argument with Segal, Sid was waiting for him to break character and say, "Are you saying Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?" But it never happened.

That's one of the reasons we, Sid the Elf, could only give Above the Law 4 stars. Don't misunderstand, this is a terrific action B. But, it just was missing something. Sid's theory is that the lack of the Segal ponytail, double chin, and big gut made this one feel different. So, Segal was skinny and ponytailless but he did have what appeared to be the beginning stages of the Myers hair we all saw in Urban Justice. Also, Segal didn't have the role of goomba rouge cop perfected yet. This was the only role he played in his early movies, so he had enough practice to get it down by the time he nailed it perfectly in Out for Justice. While Nico was not as tough as Gino Felino, he was still man enough to take on the main villan who was played by Henry Silva wearing a Chevy Chase mask. One other thing, Segal DID kick a multitude of butt in Above the Law, but there was a serious lack of explosions. You don't get 5 stars as an action flick with no explosions. Not gonna happen.

Finally, like any good B Above the law was floating along and ended abruptly. It also had a few "wait, what's going on here?" moments and enough physically impossible things happening to make it certified B. Like when Segal was hanging onto the roof of the car going like 30 mph while choking the guy in the passenger seat. Sid loved that. It pushed the film into the upper echelon of action B and enabled us, Sid the Elf, to give Above the Law our Watchability Seal of Approval.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/ABOVE_THE_LAW/trailer/P00000763.htm

SILENT RAGE: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-11T05:02:00.001-07:00

Has Chuck Norris ever lost a fight? Oh no, Sid forgot, that's one of the signs of the apocalypse, March 5, 2008

In 1982 the film world was blessed with the marriage of two unstoppable forces: the awesome horror genre, and the human machete, Chuck Norris(because he cuts down anything in his path). The result was positively mind-blowing. We, Sid the Elf, did not give Silent Rage 5 stars for any other reason other than it was an absolute b masterpiece.

First, the plot. Basically, this film is a more b, sci-fi version of the 1978 horror classic Halloween (Divimax 25th Anniversary Edition). Silent Rage was made in 1982, so it's clearly a direct ripoff which adds so much to its B level. The difference in this one, though was they made a huge upgrade. Sid loves Loomis, loves him. But, not even Loomis can beat out an often shirtless, cowboy hat wearing Chuck Norris. Who was at the height of the flowing blond mullet stage here. The movie revolves around a brutal killer, played by the same guy who played Ramon the pool man in Seinfeld. This guy gets morbidly injured and is brought to the hospital. One of the doctors just can't accept the fact that this wonderful human is gone, so he decides to defy logic, reason, and science to bring the guy back to life and make him totally indestructible in the process.

So, this guy goes on another killing spree, but this time he picked the wrong place. That's right, he picked the town whose sheriff just happens to be Chuck Norris. Wow, seriously, talk about an all-time stupid decision. Too bad those doctors didn't fix Ramon's brain. Sid is just sad that Ramon couldn't talk, because if he did he probably would have been less than truthful with Chuck about his crimes. Then, we could have heard Chuck get mad at Ramon, run down his crimes and at the end of the list add, "and LYING to the sheriff." Having Ramon being a mute was just one of the things they did to make this flick extreme b. When they were trying to get the point across that Ramon was indestructible they showed holes that had been shot into him, just close up. It looked like someone stuck their finger in tan jello then pulled it out. The acting could not have been worse, either. Ron Silver, credited as Sal Pachino for some reason, was unbelievably b. His awful/wonderful performance came to crescendo when his corpse was hanging on the back of the door and his eyes were darting back and forth like he was at a tennis match. Also, Chuck has never been better. He even tried some comedic one-liners. You haven't lived until you see the Chuck Norris "OK, this line is coming up in a second and I have to nail it" face. Ironically, he passed down this wonderful trait to his son Mike Norris which is exemplified in the famous "B.S." scene in the classic Death Ring.

And what about the final fight scene between Norris and Ramon? It was a work of art. You had alternating closeups of Ramon and Norris. Ramon making his "I'm mad and crazy and I smell bad enough that it's even bothering me" face. And Chuck making his "Dude, I'm Chuck Norris, you are so freaking dead" face. Add to that, the music. Sid thought this was genius. Anytime you have a showdown scene between two guys in a horror movie the music should always be pornoesque. It is a mortal lock to creep the viewer out every time out of the gate.

So, at the end of the scene, Chuck roundhouse kicks Ramon down the well. Sid wouldn't change a thing. And you know it's coming, the guy jumps out of the well water as the credits roll and the cheesy title song plays. The only thing that was missing was the prospect of watching Silent Rage 2 and reviewing it next week. It's not too late Chuck! It's only been 26 years. Pull a Stallone for Sid, please.

DEATH WISH IV: THE CRACKDOWN : 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

Sid is about to give Death Wish 4 some high praise: B is for Bronson, March 3, 2008

We, Sid the Elf, are staying in the world of Death Wish for as long as we can. This week we took the wonderful ride that was Death Wish 4. The Death Wish series seems to get better as they go along. Its like chicks: 3 is better than 2 and 4 is better than 3. By the time Sid gets done watching 5 in a few weeks, he might wet himself from sheer amazement and amusement.

First, Sid would just like to get to know Bronson. If it's Sid he says "This guy's got it." The man made maybe THE defining guy movie of all-time: The Dirty Dozen, then he made the Death Wish Series which are just cinematic pieces of exquisite art. Now, Sid's sources tell him, the guy has his own island in the Caribbean. Sid can only imagine what goes on on that island. Probably a lot of strange, strange things because Bronson has got to be a weird dude in real life.

But, Bronson makes some of the finest B around. And Death Wish 4 is no exception to this theory. Sid just knew this movie had a ton of upside potential when a future 90210 cast member(Nicky, Brandon's cute, spunky freshman girlfriend from the gang's senior year) appeared as Bronson's woman's daughter who just happens to be a druggie in the first 10 minutes of this movie. Actually, Sid knew this movie had tremendous upside potential when the chick in the opening scene performed a magic act by looking up and making guys appear. So, we had potential and Death Wish 4 delivered. It had all of our favorite elements of B.

Take special note of these occurrences of extreme crappiness. First, when Bronson was in the black hitman's apartment, Bronson hit him with the barstool. Then the guy obviously jumps out of the window. But, there's a twist here: the window clearly breaks a full second before the guy gets there. That's the damn Rolls-Royce of b-ness is what it is. Then, in the shootout at the oilfield, Bronson shoots the guy whose head goes through the car window. Before Bronson shoots the guy, he has no facial hair, but by the time Bronson shoots him he has grown a full 80's/David Crosby mustache. That's amazing.

Oh yeah, the plot. It can really be summed up briefly. Bronson gets hired to take down two drug cartels by the head of another gang posing as a wealthy do-gooder. So Bronson takes down the drug rings by knocking off maybe 40 or 50 guys which is completely realistic, there definitely wouldn't be like 100 guys in each organization. Then Bronson had to take out the guy who posed as the rich guy. This was possibly the finest moment in the movie. Bronson shoots the guy with a grenade launcher from about 15 feet away. Watching the incredibly fake-looking dummy they used blow up was funny beyond belief. Yeah, there were even explosions in this movie. On top of that, you had the Bronson slow-motion punches that somehow knocked guys out for a good 15 minutes. This is a move that would later be perfected by the immortal Steven Segal. One of the guys Bronson takes out is a corrupt detective who's controlled by one of the drug rings. So, add that on to Bronson's problems. We still don't get this guy. By the fifth and final movie they should just have him walking around with a rain cloud floating over him while he wears a grim-reaper costume. Sid thinks, though, the thing that's the best...and the worst about this movie is the fact that it was different in the respect that when you're watching a movie you predict what's going to happen next in your head. Everyone does it. And usually, you're way off base, right? That's why you're not a screenwriter. But, not with Death Wish 4. Every time Sid made a prediction in this one it came true. Example: one half Sid said to the other half Sid "Watch the cop just let Bronson go." And...exactly.

There were a couple other b veterans in this flick. We were very happy to see Soon-Tek Oh, the guy who famously played the evil POW camp ruler, Col. Yin in Missing in Action 2: The Beginning/Braddock: Missing in Action III. And the guy who played the drug lord posing as the wealthy newspaper owner was John P. Ryan who played Gen. Taylor in Delta Force 2 - Operation Stranglehold. As you already know if you're wise enough to be reading one of Sid's reviews, those are two guys from Chuck Norris movies. So, that made Sid think, "Why didn't Norris and Bronson ever do a movie together?" Then the answer became clear. If they did, the weight of toughness, cheesy 80's mustaches, and bad acting would make the world collapse on itself.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/DEATH_WISH_4:_THE_CRACKDOWN/trailer/P00000594.htm

DEATH WISH III: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

To all the aspiring B screenwriters out there: watch Death Wish 3 and take notes til your hand falls off, February 13, 2008

We, Sid the Elf, reviewed Death Wish 2 last week. We thought it was really good. Not bad by any means, but not a classic. So, when we popped in Death Wish 3, we were fully expecting a solid B effort from Bronson again. All the elements were there again, right down to the same awful synth music thankfully. Instead what did the old boy Charles Bronson give us? A true B classic! We were litterally hooked when you could see from a mile away that Bronson was going to get the death of his friend Charlie pinned on him. That was a "hmm, that's pretty cool, Bronson's finally going to jail" moment. Interesting that he finally went to jail for something he didn't do, but nothing groundbreaking. So, here we're thinking another solid 3 star effort. Then...the film jumps into full B mode. Reality and seriousness went completely out the window. From about the 20 minute mark of the movie, it's almost as if they realized that there is no way at all that this movie could be good or taken seriously so they decided to make it as bad/funny as possible(a B-movie must). In fact, Sid still isn't sure if the comedy here was intentional or unintentional. He's frankly banking on the latter.

Bronson's in jail and of course within about 8 seconds he gets picked on. The guy who would become the bad guy in the movie and one of his buddies start with Bronson. Well, the fight scene was only a few seconds long, but it sent a message: this movie is wonderful b. Bronson dodges an ax-handle before it even starts, then he kicks the guy in the stomach with his shin. This is just one of the devastating moves Bronson unleashes in this film. It's right up there with his one-armed push that sends a guy tumbling to the ground. Then the coach from Youngblood comes into the cell, breaks up the fight and turns the movie, the series, and Bronson's life on its ear.

He brings Bronson into his office and offers to let him out of jail and forget about the charges if Bronson does a hit for him. Out of everything that's happened in these movies this was probably the most far-fetched, and that's saying something. Now, up to this point, Bronson was a decent guy who just kept getting antagonized and snapping. So, you didn't hate him or label him as a bad guy. But, now, Bronson accepts a contract? Wow, just a quietly brilliant move by the writers. Now we have a cold-blooded killer in Bronson. Awesome! Now he could switch into full-fledged Dirty Harold mode because the barrier has already been knocked down. Bronson is released from prison and starts to go to work on the gang that killed his friend and terrorized that entire neighborhood. These guys were bad news. They were throwing Molotovs left and right, and even blowing up a few things. But what they really loved to do was knock women down and run off with their purses. They were the perfect gang for a B. Oh, and the leader of the gang? You guessed it, the guy that bullied Bronson in jail. He's now back on the streets with a bizaro-mohawk and some fruity war paint on his forehead. These guys were a gang in New York? We're sure? Not San Fransisco? Bronson now starts mail-ordering an arsenal and distributing ammo to all the seniors in the building where his friend lived. We swear this happened. In this section you have the old man in the Brooklyn Dodgers hat freaking out on a gang member and Bronson giving the Tony sign of virility to a neighborhood kid, adding to the homoerotic undertones of the film. We're also subjected to Bronson in a couple makeout scenes with his lady. If that's not bad enough, they zoomed in on Bronson's famous mustache when he was kissing her. Just really added to the B quality. Hilarious stuff that must be seen to be appreciated.

They really delved into the Bronson character in this movie. They even mentioned that Bronson went into semi-retirement between vigilante sprees by moving to the country during the hiatus, just like Sid said. See, we are true B experts. We can't say enough about the awkward love scenes with Bronson. They even show him shirtless at one point while he's famously butchering his lines again. Almost brings a tear to Sid's eye. They just don't make B like this anymore.

Of course, the neighborhood is safe after the residents band together with Bronson to take out the gang. And the movie ends with Bronson walking down the road looking for more victims of his vigilante ways. This totally leaves you salivating for Death Wish 4. If you're a B fan, Death wish 3 is a must-see. A tour-de-force really. Sid absolutely loved it, you will too.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/DEATH_WISH_3/trailer/P00000261.htm

DEATH WISH II: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

If we learn one thing, let it be that nobody ever should provoke someone with the name Charles., February 6, 2008

The list is as long as it is astounding. Bronson, Norris(as Chuck is short for Charles), Manson, Murphy(as Charlie is short for Charles). Sid could go on all day. This is like a public service announcement: If you meet someone named Charles or any variation, you better be as nice as you can.

We see this horrifying parallel again in Death Wish 2. In fact, you know what? Everything about this movie was horrifying. We, Sid the Elf were shocked that this movie was made in 1982. I mean, if I'm the only one I'll shut up. But this movie had a distinctly 70's feel to it. Maybe it was the curly white man fro on the leader of the gang, or the weird colors in Bronson's house, or maybe the music. Let's get that out of the way right now. The music in this movie was...atrocious, deplorable, hilarious; you know, they all actually work. It was like the producer couldn't find anybody to do the music and said to himself, "Well, I did get my 13 year-old nephew that Casio keyboard and synthesizer for Christmas(see? Santa treats everybody right!!!!) he could probably pull it off." Well, no it is not true. This film was just overpowered with weird sounding synth music that exaggerated every scene in the film. The music situation sums up the whole experience of watching this movie, really. If you're looking for quality, probably not your first choice. But, if you're looking for some really great, top-notch B look no further.

While there were so many things that made Death Wish 2 b, the one that stood out the most were all the questions this film brought about in Sid's head. For example, how did this black cloud of people antagonizing Bronson follow him cross-country? Isn't it historically unprecidented that guys would just keep finding women in Bronson's life to assault causing him to lash out on both coasts of U.S. and A, greatest country in the world? Why oh why did Bronson's daughter jump out of the window while running away from the men who had just assaulted her?(although, this did open the door to people getting impaled in movies, so it's a wash really.) Is this how life was back then?(Sid was just a baby elf and does not remember the early 80's well.) Did gangs of hooligans go around looking for ugly Mexican housekeepers to force themselves upon? How did they manage to make 5 of these? This is only the second film in the series, so how long did it take Bronson to realize that maybe he should just do everyone a favor and live in the mountains alone, instead of moving from city to city causing mayhem?(Sounds familiar, right? Sid thinks the Real World producers got their idea from the Death Wish series.) Finally, how in the world did Lawrence Fishburne become a successful actor after this?

So, we've just finished watching a little over an hour of people antagonizing Bronson, and him performing a huge amount of vigilante killings. All that's left is for them to wrap everything up in a nice little bow and everyone will be happ--and it just ends. The closing credits rolled as Sid stared at the screen in astonishment. One of the most perplexing/funny moments in Sid's memory when it comes to film. Words really cannot do it justice. It just added another layer to this already wonderful b.

Another thing that was very b, and frankly brought the film to a higher level was Bronson. There is no way, we mean ZERO chance that Bronson memorized a single line for this film with the exception of "Do you believe in Jesus? You're going to meet him." They absolutely had cue cards for this one. And Bronson always took that one extra split second to read and deliver his lines. This just added so much to the film and Sid could go on forever, but we digress. So, definitely catch Death Wish if you're looking for extreme b some enjoyable action and Bronson at his finest or his worst depending on your point of view.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/DEATH_WISH_2/trailer/P00000984.htm

HALLOWEEN 2007: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

Sid's take on the 2007 Halloween: It insists upon itself. January 30, 2008

This week we, Sid the Elf, decided to review the remake or whatever of the greatest horror film ever, Halloween. Now, we knew that this film was done by the ever-creepy Rob Zombie so we realized going in that things had a chance to get weird or stupid but this one was ridiculous. It was a remake of the classic, kind of but not really. And the parts that were the same as the original were different here. Sounds confusing? Well how about watching this in an altered state trying to figure it out?

The bulk of the film concentrated on Michael Myers's early life and his rise to the top of the world of serial killing. The funniest parts of this movie came in the section where the evil stepdad was making fun of a young Myers calling him a freak and questioning his sexuality while Myers stands there taking it while wearing a homemade mask. It doesn't get much funnier than that. You also had young Myers making the "I want to wrestle you so freaking bad" face whenever anyone made him mad. Well, when he wasn't wearing one of his little masks. That was great. Also, young Myers offered us a couple of freakouts. The one when he went off on Loomis was awesome. If this movie was not a remake of a classic, and stood on its own, it would have made a pretty good horror B as all the elements were there. However, when you look at this film as the remake that it was, it fell way short.

First, Sid would like to talk to you about Loomis. In the original, he was the best part about the film. Who could forget such classic lines as, "Tell your men to keep their eyes open and their mouths closed," along with many others. In the remake Loomis offered nothing, he had the blackest eyes, the devil's eyes. He even exploited Myers's psychosis by writing a book and going on a speaking tour over it. Then, there was Laurie. In the first film, she was sweet and innocent and you really did not want Myers to catch her. This was one of the things that made the original. In the new version, she was trashy and annoying. Sid was hoping they would change the ending and have Myers strangle her by the 30 minute mark. Finally, there was Myers. In this one, he was a giant goon, which does explain his freakish strength and adds a lot in the way of unintentional comedy. But, he was so goofy. Sid even joked that Kane was playing him, only to find out that it was actually a more b wrestler that we'd never even heard of! Big Sky is the guy's name for the record.

So, this film was ok at best. That's factoring in all the unintentional comedy by goofy Myers, young Myers, and the stepdad; and the um, comedic mood Sid was in. Appearances by Clint Howard and Danny Trejo helped ease the pain a little. Oh, and the few times the film featured "Don't Fear the Reaper" was a pretty cool nod to the original and to more cowbell. But, Zombie's version concentrated too much on the gore of Myers' killings and his disturbed past really trying to drive home the fact that this man is totally insane. Yeah, we kind of got that by the huge killing spree, but I guess when you're Rob Zombie that's not really enough to classify someone as off the reservation. This one is probably only worth checking out if you've never seen the original and want to settle in with a decent horror B or if you just want to make fun of fat young Myers for a little bit. All in all 3 stars, not great, not bad. It insists upon itself, I like The Money Pit.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/HALLOWEEN/trailer/P00592595.htm

MISSING IN ACTION III: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:37:00.000-07:00

The International call for distress is NOT S.O.S. it's Chu-chi yi! Chu-Ci yi! Braddock! Braddock!, January 21, 2008

First the tragedy: we, Sid the Elf, had to review Missing in Action III as a part of the Don't (expletive deleted) with Chuck collection. Come on Amazon! You're better than that baby. Any movie that contains the line, "I don't step on toes, Lil' Jon, I step on necks" needs to be featured on the Amazon page. It's not even sold separately. That's amazing. This film was good enough to be viewed and loved by Sid, so you know its golden diapers. The star was Chuck enough said. We were thinking it was impossible for the man to have anymore enemies to beat or necks to snap, but we were wrong.

This time Braddock goes up against his most ruthless and terribly acted foe yet. Sid has learned that the terrible actor who cackled maniacally after every threat is a distant cousin to Mr. Chan, from the one and only Death Ringof course. This is a man who shockingly gunned down Chuck's malnutritioned POW wife and tortured Chuck and his son who inexplicably called Braddock by his last name. And that wasn't even one of the 10 most inexplicable things in the film. You gotta love the Norris style. The man took all great things 80's and made them his own. For a solid 5 year stretch, when you thought of the blond mullet, a picture of Chuck, topless and shaking water from his hair popped into your head. Beautiful. Rumor also has it that in Chuck's contract, there was the famous explosion quota and the clause that at least one cheesy 80's love song had to be used in the film. And the best thing about Chuck's films: he never deviated. You pop in a Norris classic, like Missing in Action III, you know what you're getting. But this one had a little something extra. We don't know if it was the grenade implanted in the guy so when he hit the ground he would explode, the extraordinary amount of footage of Chuck with no shirt on, or Norris's and his co-stars' especially terrible acting. But it was amazing nevertheless. So, on Sid the Elf's recommendation, watch Braddock: Missing in Action III. It's Norris at his finest.

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/MISSING_IN_ACTION_3:_BRADDOCK/trailer/P00002376.htm

MISSING IN ACTION II: THE BEGINNING: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

In Missing in Action II: The Beginning, Chuck Norris ends the POW crisis one snapped neck at a time., January 14, 2008

Missing In Action II: The Beginning. What a prophetic title for this unintentional comedy classic. It was the beginning of many things. It is the trailblazer in explosions occurring behind guys, and having them jump off a springboard to appear as if they're getting blown away. It started the template for every WWF match of the late 80's(it even featured Mr. Fuji as one of the evil henchmen)in the way that Chuck and his co-star Soon-Teck Oh Yeah obviously got together just 5 minutes before the final fight scene to rehearse their slow motion punches and kicks. The film is really a thing of beauty. And as far as we, Sid the Elf know, it was the first film in which a flamethrower was used. Read that again. Yes! Awesome! Major bonus points here.

Sid was nearly moved to tears when the evil Col. Yin placed a bag containing a provoked rat on a bound Chuck's head. The cruelty was alarming. But, a simple rodent going up against the all-knowing, all-powerful Chuck was no competition at all. Sid called it when he said, "Chuck's going to eat the rat and have the tail hanging out of his mouth when they pull the bag off." This is the kind of knowlwdge gained by THE B expert from his vast experience. We knew Chuck was eating the rat. And we wouldn't have it any other way. Well, now that Chuck had nourished his body with the high protein content of Vietnamese rat meat, he was as strong as a POW could ever be.

Still, Chuck was keeping his cool against the provocation of his captors all while never rebuking US and A, greatest country in the world. That is, until he was pushed over the edge. Then evil Col. Yin and his crew of flunkies were like a cobra's prey, ready to be pounced upon and struck at a moment's notice. At this point in the film, Sid found himself saying, "May Chuck Norris drink the blood of every man, woman, and child of Vietnam." And fortunately, Norris is a better man than Sid. He only drank the blood of all of his captors! He rescued his men, sent them away in a stolen drug chopper(don't ask) and stayed behind.

Why, you ask? Then you obviously don't know the Chuck formula. It goes like this: always be loyal, take the bad guys and finish them, and stay behind at a prison camp of which nobody knows the location and noone knows you are there to have a final showdown with the main bad guy, throw away your gun so you can fight him fair even though he has been torturing you and your comrades long enough for you to grow a horrific 70's porn beard, kick the wontons out of him while saying, "This is for (fill in name of fellow inmate). Then, a split second before you press the button to blow his lair to pieces, say, "And this is for me." Huge explosion (just one of the many in the film). And roll closing credits.

If you remember to abandon logic like with all unintentional comedy you should love this film. It is legitimately good. It really doesn't matter that they made a prequel that ignored all the flashbacks from the first movie right? Well, at least Sid thinks it can be made up for with some good old-fashioned American propaganda and a flamethrower.

Chills, right? Your goosebumps' goosebumps have goosebumps don't they? Exactly. Take Sid the Elf's word for it and see Missing in Action II. Oh, yeah you will freaking love it.

Click here for both movie trailers:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/MISSING_IN_ACTION_2:_THE_BEGINNING/trailer/P00002366.htm

MISSING IN ACTION: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

After Hurricane Chuck ravaged Southeast Asia not even a single lizard will survive in their jungle for the next thousand years., January 7, 2008

The reason for crisis in Southeast Asia was not due to economic, social, or political issues. It was not due to war or famine. It also did not start in the 60's as historians have stated. It started in 1984 when a massive natural disaster descended upon the region and movie theaters around the world. That disaster's name: John Braddock, played by the only one man force of nature: Chuck Norris. We, Sid the Elf, have said it before and we will say it again, Chuck Norris is a wrecking machine. The one theme in Missing in Action, as always, is don't (expletive deleted) with Chuck!

Missing in Action was Norris's signature film, and rightfully so. This film did not let up for one second, and Chuck the Tornado destroyed everything in its path for a solid 100 minutes. The opening credits rolled, and the explosions ensued endlessly. They even gave us the obligatory 'nam flashback to show you that Chuck was a little mental and he would probably be doling out the revenge on the Vietmineese for the duration. And since it's Chuck and all, he didn't disappoint. By Sid's count, he put down over 100 enemies. The first notch on Norris's bullet belt was not the one, the only Mr. Chan, the relentless manhunter from the ultimate classic Death Ring. It was in fact, none other than the immortal Jeff Wong, Casandra's dad from Wayne's World 2. Unfortunately, however, Chuck did not take him down in the same manner Wayne Campbell did. Instead Chuck showed his first flash of athletic greatness, flinging a knife 10 yards across the room right into Jeff's chest for his first completion of the day. Norris would be 3 for 3 for the film, with a perfect 100% kill rate. Proving that he can do anything, including becoming an NFL quarterback if his legendary film career sputtered.

In a slight breach of B etiquette, Chuck faced off against the main villian in the middle of the film. But the showdown didn't disappoint. Chuck made film history by shoving an ax head into the chest of his nemesis after Norris chopped the handle clear off. And you wonder why this guy has never met a butt he couldn't kick? But, don't let that suggest that it was not the typical action unintentional comedy. There were enough explosions to keep Sid entertained which is no small feat, plenty of sweet weapons, a funny token fat guy(the awesome diving coach from Back To School (Extra-Curricular Edition)), and a ton of Chuck's signature tough lines. In fact, to prove to you that this one was definitely a regular Sid pick, and totally worth seeing, we're bringing back an old favorite: Joe Bob's drive-in totals. Here they are:

2 stranglings

2 fatal knife throws to the chest

5 kicks/punches that seemed to kill guys

157 corpses

3 breasts

1 artillery raft

4 hateful Asian guys you just knew Chuck was icing and couldn't wait for it.

31 rocket launchings

279 grenade explosions

578941277552 rounds fired... and

one dead Jeff Wong(1927-1984). R.I.P.

Click here for movie trailer:

http://www.videodetective.com/movies/MISSING_IN_ACTION/trailer/P00000373.htm

MERCENARY FOR JUSTICE: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

Let's give Segal a mulligan on producing this one. He was distracted by the on-set buffet! , December 17, 2007

We, Sid the Elf, are worried that Steven Segal, the early favorite for a 2008 woody, will take a reduced acting role in the new B he's now producing. Don't do it Segal! Sid needs you in Unintentional Comedies like fans of your smooth ballads need you to keep pumping out albums. Yeah, albums. Segal actually took time away from his lucrative film and competitive eating careers to make sweet sweet baby-making music.

This is why Mercenary for Justice fell short of Sid's lofty expectations for a Segal flick. He just wasn't in it enough. This movie had a killer ending, which was the only part of the plot that revolved around Segal, of course that might be because the man has his own gravitational pull at this point. There is one point when they show him from a profile view in a suit. He has a distinctly white Biggie Smalls on the cover of Life After Death vibe. Which brings up another point. Since when did Segal start talking like he's black? I guess all those years of working with illustrious actors such as Treach, DMX, and Ja Rule have taken their toll on our favorite portly-size action star. Segal is like aging adult-film star at this point. The camera angle has to be perfect, and the action better be sped up to keep the viewer um...interested. Like we said in our Urban Justice review they need to do some very fancy camera work to make a 285 pound senior appear to be moving quickly.

So, Sid's final thoughts: this is a movie that makes no sense whatsoever. But, if you're looking for a movie to pop in and get some unintentional comedy laughs at, look no further than Mercenary for Justice; starring Steven Segal, his huge pot belly, and his Michael Myers wig.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: 1.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

It's too bad they didn't go with the original idea: Tom Hanks in Conan- Sleepless in Mongolia, December 10, 2007

Well, let's just say that we, Sid the Elf, were not impressed by Conan the Barbarian. This movie was a chick flick in a thin disguise. There was even the cheesiest death scene in movie history when Arnold's butter-face got iced. We gathered from reading some of the reviews by the Dungeons and Dragons losers that loved this movie that Conan was a book once upon a time. It could have only been one of those cheap novels they have at the checkout lines in supermarkets because this crap was a bad romance novel. In fact, the only people Sid can imagine liking this movie are girls. Or, maybe men seeking men in your beloved chat rooms. Dorks.

Arnold is in the middle of his three injections a day and dips on props in between takes stage of his career, and he runs around all movie without a shirt. Perfect for sweetie pies. There was a complete lack of anything cool in this movie with the exception of a few beheadings, and the fact that the dude from Spinal Tap made a cameo. This was certainly not the Arnold we've come to know and love. Another reason these nerds loved this movie so much is because it reminded them of Star Wars because Darth Vader played the villain again. Oh boy! So, if you're an Arnold fan and want to see how he started his career, just be glad it got off the ground to give you Predator, Total Recall, and Comando and ask no further questions. We are just glad we didn't start off our Arnold viewings with this one or we would have never been lucky enough to decide on his classics. Stay far away! And if you do rent this one, when you return it to your local video store, scream "He's gone! The evil's gone from here!"

Click here for movie trailer http://www.videodetective.com/movies/CONAN_THE_BARBARIAN/trailer/P00000362.htm

JACK FROST: 2.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Jack Frost Starring Shannon Elizabeth. Who knew this would be the high point of her career?, December 9, 2007

We, Sid the Elf, have been very excited about kicking off the Christmas B season and decided to open up with Jack Frost. Many years ago Sid saw Jack Frost when it was a new release at his local video store and really enjoyed it's straight to VHS goodness. Unfortunately it did not stand the test of time like we expected. I'm not sure exactly what went wrong? Horror B used to be the tops. Now it is hard to even sit through a full viewing. I guess Sid has just matured and really needs some sweet explosions and neck snappings to get his bull running. After viewing timeless works of art like "Total Recall", "Predator," and "Out For Justice" Jack Frost just seems obsolete.

As much as we would like to, we just can't recommend Jack Frost. It seems as if this one started the trend of horror movies that know they are so bad they have to try to make them funny, which has single handedly ruined the genre.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/JACK_FROST/trailer/P00247479.htm

DOUBLE DOWN: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T18:22:00.001-07:00

Sid loves the triumphant return of Brandon Walsh, December 9, 2007

When we last saw Brandon Walsh he was leaving Southern California to pursue a writing career with the Boston Globe. Obviously the Globe doesn't know talent when it sees it because now the cameras are following around Brandon and his buddies on their adventures. The crew from West Beverly is no longer around. We will miss you Steve, Dylan, and Mr. Walsh. But, now Brandon is actually cool. He is a gambling, heavy-drinking ladies man instead of the goody-two-shoes fruit he was in his younger years. He and his buddies are a versatile group. You have Brandon, his buddy Mike, a degenerate gambler who never won, Cory the Jersey Jinx, and Dangalo, the sissy of the group who falls for a trannie and tells him/her he loves it on the first date.

So, the guys are looking for some direction in life. They decide to put all their energy into getting money together to open a sports bar. This way, they can continue their drinking/gambling/womanizing but profit from it. See, they're geniuses. Sid won't spoil the ending or too much of the plot because it is highly recommended. So, take it from Sid, see Double Down. It's an Elf classic.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/DOUBLE_DOWN/trailer/P00414196.htm

URBAN JUSTICE: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T16:15:00.001-07:00

The Segal you remember from the 90's is back only this time he's brought his Michael Myers hair and 75 extra pounds!, December 6, 2007

Steven Segal is back with Urban Justice. You've never heard of it? How could that be? The premier was a hit. It was held at Segal's apartment and had many special guests: Papa John, Burger King, Mr. Goodbar, and of course as much alcohol needed to drown the sorrows of a 285 pound former star whose latest film was a straight-to-DVD release. But don't let Segal's fall from stardom and rise in the world of competitive eating fool you, Urban Justice was a winner.

It also featured comedy legend Eddie Griffin in his funniest role yet. Only he didn't know that. Sid loves the direction in which this dynamic duo is moving. They seem to be irrevocably linked. Sid can picture it: a few weeks from now he'll have lunch at his local Popye's. Only the food will be a little undercooked. So, he strolls up to the counter to complain. He'll say, "Oh, hi Eddie Griffin. I loved you in Urban Justice, but my chicken was subpar." Eddie, of course wanting to do well at his new career, replies, "I'm sorry to hear that, Sid. Let me ask my cook, Steven Segal what went wrong." Let's just put it this way: this is the kind of scenario you will come up with while pondering the careers of the stars of this flick during your viewing. That's the kind of movie we're dealing with. Sid wouldn't have it any other way.

Segal goes to "da hood" in LA to find his son's killer. He talks like a grizzled street vet from day one, dropping words from his sentences at an alarming rate. We couldn't figure out if he was trying to fit into the hood or if he forgot lines due the oh-so-distracting McDonalds they filmed near. But, as usual, he was snatching guns and snapping necks left and right, only the film quality was a little different that we're used to. Low budget? Well, yes, but that's not what it was. You ask a 285 pound senior citizen to move as fast as he can and see what happens. It's like waiting for Arnold to finish a sentence. You know it will happen, it just might take a while.

These are just a few of the wonderful things that make Urban Justice a great Unintentional Comedy. It's a must-see. That's straight from us, Sid the Elf, everyone. You will freaking love it. Oh yeah oh yeah oh oh oh oh yeah oh yeah. Laugh Out Loud.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/URBAN_JUSTICE/trailer/P00727882.htm

TERMINATOR 2- JUDGEMENT DAY: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T16:09:00.000-07:00

Sid The Elf's thoughts on giving T2 5 stars: No Problemo., November 27, 2007

As some of our more avid fans have noticed, Sid the Elf is branching his reviews out to reach a more diverse sampling of film, including Sci-fi. When you think Sci-fi, one of the films that pops to mind is T2. In the 90's it was the big budget action movie, starring The Immortal Arnold Schwarzenegger and written by James Cameron. Yeah, the same dude who did Titanic. If you could get inside info on things like "Did Arnold threaten Cameron's life on-set, or did he just call him an emasculating name?" wouldn't that make a better feature on the DVD than "Oh, so that's how they made that dude appear right out of the floor? That's pretty cool." Oh, boy!

But, this movie was totally awesome. You had many soundboard lines to laugh at just because of The Arnold Voice. You had tons of cool explosions. You had a lot of sweet guns and explosives. You got to make fun of Sarah Connor because she was absolutely nuts. Pretty much everything you would want in a great guy movie, except for hot chicks. Oh well, you can't have everything. The concept was sweet. You had Arnold who was a now obsolete Terminator, if there even is such a thing, assigned to protect John Connor. However, John and his mother, Sarah Connor, are being hunted by another, updated Terminator. Now, Arnold was made out of metal, so he could be crushed or something. But, this other dude was made out of liquid or something. So if you shot him, this giant hole would open up then start to close immediately. Awesome! How is Arnold going to take this thing on?

Because he's Arnold. That's why. If you learn anything reading Sid's reviews, learn this: Arnold is the man. He is undefeatable and undeniable. We wish he could be president. So, on Sid the Elf's recommendation, watch Terminator 2. You will absolutely love it.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/TERMINATOR_2:_JUDGMENT_DAY/trailer/P00001254.htm

ROBOCOP: 2.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T16:06:00.001-07:00

The harvest is in, bless the bean and fig. Robocop is a big fat... suckling pig, November 19, 2007

The only reasons we, Sid the Elf, gave this non-B stinkfest 2 stars was due to some cool explosions. Sid intended to do two things tonight, laugh and watch a great unintentional comedy. Well, Sid always has a good time, but there was not a passable unintentional comedy in sight.

Robocop is based on an effeminate Chris Hansen looking cop, who gets blasted, then transformed into a cyborg cop. So, eventually, he goes after the guys who killed him and turned into a metal man. In the business they call that a revenge story. Well, here's the revenge Robocop exacted until the last 15 minutes of the movie: he arrested the bad men. Wow, enthralling! Really, Sid was riveted. Then, they had to make this movie even girlier by making Robocop fall in love with his butch partner, who looked like Sid's sophomore year biology teacher. For those of you who did not graduate from North Pole High, that's not good.

So, if your woman is looking for a chick flick with a little action, rent Robocop and put it on in one room. Then pop in your copy of Predator or Total Recall for yourself in another.

RAMBO II: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

What you call hell he calls home, November 15, 2007

It's getting a little chilly here in the North Pole so, Sid recently took a trip to Vietnam with his old pal John Rambo. He managed to avoid all the gunfire and explosions to make it home and write this world-class review. In Rambo II, Sly Stallone is assigned a mission to free American POWs 11 years after the war ended. Thanks for the effort guys! Anyway, this was Sly at his Cold War propaganda peak. He put out Rambo II and Rock IV in the same year. I'm not sure what happened to Sly. Was he picked on by a Russian bully when he was a kid? Because he takes shots at the Russians in this one too.

There are a number of notable actors in this flick. You have the bad guy from Beverly Hills Cop, who's possibly a little sweet in that one. We thought we had a Mr. Braden from Lockup sighting in the beginning, but that could not be confirmed. There was the evil sensei from Karate Kid, who disappointed us by not giving Rambo a "Mercy is for the weak..." speech. And you had...Mr. Chan from you know where it's going Death Ring. Oh, and the closing credits song was done by none other than the immortal Frank Stallone.

Obviously, Rambo is the man. He was sensitive. He fell in love with the Vietmineese chick in about 2 seconds, leading to the most shocking/uncomfortable/horribly acted sequense of the film. It was a great 30 second swing. He was the inspiration for the guy you always were in one player Contra, and has an endless supply of ammo. I mean, the guy used a bow with exploding tip arrows. You can't put a price on that kind of B. For us, the highlight of the flick was when Rambo meets Mr. Chan. Chan must shoot at Rambo 50 times, and Rambo is as calm as can be, taking his time to set up the perfect shot, and...he shoots Mr. Chan with an exploding tip arrow and Mr. Chan actually blows up! Words cannot do this justice. See the movie. We're imploring you!

Sid's two halves could not decide if Rambo II or Red Line was the movie that made the least sense of all-time. We should have just said that to make you see this classic because that's what Rambo II is. We swear, you will freaking love it.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/RAMBO:_FIRST_BLOOD_PART_2/trailer/P00765742.htm

SURVIVING THE GAME: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

Surviving the Game is the homeless man's Death Ring,

November 12, 2007

The latest installment in Sid the Elf's review file is Surviving the Game starring the impressive Ice-T(the fourth best acting rapper ever!), Gary Busey(YES!), and Charles S. Dutton who had such illustrious roles as TV's Roc and that weird groundskeeper from Rudy who let that little leprechaun live in his office. Sid has to have a little soft spot for this one because it's as if someone saw the legendary Death Ring and said "You know what? This movie could be good if we put some money into it and got some D-list actors, instead of brothers and sons of D-list actors!"

However, we must say, Surviving the Game fell short. And how could it not? How dare it try to be like Death Ring? The first thing that was wrong was they killed off Busey in the first 20 minutes. This one would have jumped up to 5 stars if we could have seen a totally insane Busey running around after Ice-T for an hour. It did have some gems though like Ice-T telling the guy who recruited him for "the game" that he would run to Alaska for $20. Awesome! But instead the guy has Homeless Ice run on a treadmill for like 5 minutes then gives him the cash. And since he was homeless, with his $20 Ice rented a fleabag motel room and bought a bottle of $3 wine and got messed up in the bathtub. He was probably trying to put himself out of misery by catching Hepatitis in that bathtub, but no such luck. Instead, he was hunted by Roc, Busey and the gang.

He did, however manage to elude that crew for a while. Although, some of his maneuvers were totally unrealistic. When you catch this one, notice how the leader of the pack is chasing T up the hill he could have shot him like 30 times, but decides not to. Remember, this is a good thing. And he throws rocks at this sissy and makes him fall to his death. That was cool.

So, while Surviving the Game did not live up to the daddy of movies, Death Ring. It was still enjoyable. Sid would say take a look at it if you've worn out your Death Ring VHS and are in the mood for a little human safari.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/SURVIVING_THE_GAME/trailer/P00005067.htm

UNDER SIEGE: 4.5 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

Recipe for Under Siege: 1 Segal, 1 Busey, 1/2 Busey Gut, 1 Insane Tommy Lee Jones. You Get Mayhem and Delicious B,

November 11, 2007

Oh Boy! Let Sid the Elf take you back to 1992. If the Academy Awards were structured then like they are now, we would have heard someone like Patrick Swayze (destined for B greatness in Roudhouse, who knew?)say "and the Oscar for best actor goes to...Steven Segal, Under Seige?" Then a raucous applause from the audience. The reason for this, among others, Segal cut off his famous ponytail for this flick! We've seen critical acclaim doled out before due to actors wiling to change their bodies. But this is the Segal ponytail. Was he worried that a Samson effect would happen? Like as soon as he snipped locks he would no longer be able to rip someones throat out, snap necks, or just be an absolute killing machine. Well, once again Segal came through. He proved us all wrong in Under Siege. The power does not come from the hair like everyone thought. It comes from muscle and Segal's world famous B.O.

Now, back to the title. Segal plays a cook. Gary Busey, at the start of his mega gut period(pre-celebrity fit camp), plays the ship's executive officer. When the ship is taken over by a rouge element led by turncoat Busey and Tommy Lee Jones all bets are off. Stinky Segal has to take down this entire crew nearly single-handedly. It wasn't easy. Mr. Chan was part of the band of rouges. Yeah, that Mr. Chan. The one from Death Ring. But Segal had help from the government, namely the national security adviser played by Dennis Lipscumb, better known as Jesup. Yeah, that Jesup. The one from Death Ring.

With all these factors added in, Sid says mix them up, bake them for about 90 mins, and the finished product is one terrific unintentional Comedy. Oh, yeah, you will freaking love it.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/UNDER_SIEGE/trailer/P00004277.htm

THE RUNNING MAN: 5.0 OUT OF 5 STARS

2008-05-08T15:06:00.000-07:00

Well I hope you've left enough room for Arnold's fist because he's going to ram you with it!,

October 28, 2007

Running Man, staring Arnold The Great, is set in 2017. So, basically this means that we're only 10 years away from a totalitarian society that censors everything and makes the only option on tv a wierd game show that pits gladiators against each other in hopes of creating a fair justice system. Now, hopefully by 2017 Arnold will be able to forge documents proving he was born in the U.S. so he can be president and save us from this terrible fate. Because even criminals may not deserve to be sent to Jessie "The Body" Ventura in lieu of the electric chair.

Of course, in Running Man Arnold is wrongly accused and Richard Dawson forces him to fight in this sick game show. As we all know, the role of game show host is one of only two roles Dawson can play. The other? Perennial to catch a predator all-star. Now, let's get to the concept of the future in this movie. Apparently in 10 years, we will all be reverting back to 80's hair and wearing costumes that look like we strapped a lite-brite to our chest. For the dress alone, this movie is a classic. But what put Sid the Elf over the top on this one, you ask? No, not Arnold in a spandex singlet, but the surprising number of quality soundboard lines. This flick provides a great abundance of what makes Arnold the Great...great. His hilarious speech patterns!

So, if you love Arnold as much as Sid does, watch Running Man. He kicks butt all over the place and is hillarious as usual. That's why Arnold is on his way to the all-time record of movies with the Sid the Elf seal of Approval.

Click here for movie trailer : :http://www.videodetective.com/movies/THE_RUNNING_MAN/trailer/P00000631.htm

HALLOWEEN: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

Let Sid get serious for a minute: Halloween is the best Horror film ever.,

October 28, 2007

Folks, today we, Sid the Elf, are reviewing Halloween. This will not be our typical review because Halloween deserves a respectful review with no make-up. This film is so well-done that every scene has a scare in it. This includes the opening credits that shows an innocent looking jack-o-lantern against a black background while the Halloween theme plays ominously tempting you to turn the lights back on. Seriously, if you don't believe us, watch this movie from tap to buzzer the right way with no lights, popcorn, candy and the rest of the important food groups. If you get lucky and it's a chilly, windy October night during your screening you will get at least a little freaked out.

So, Halloween is centered around a small Illinois town, Haddonfield. It is typical Anytown, USA. But, in 1963, the star of our show, Michael Myers, then 6 killed his sister on...that's right, Halloween night. He is then inevitably sent to live in a mental institution. Flash forward to October 30, 1978. Michael's doctor, Dr. Loomis, arrives at the mental hospital to take Michael to trial. What he finds is the patients roaming the grounds in the pouring rain. Of course, Myers has broken out to be free to return to Haddonfield for a Halloween rampage.

Now, what ensues are some of the creepiest nuances in horror film history. Myers ends up stalking Jaimie Lee Curtis and her friends for his next victims. That is all status quo in horror. What isn't is that Myers knows where Curtis is at all times. He appears quickly and disappears even faster. She sees him behind a curtin outside her house, does not look away and he's just gone the next instant. Oh, did we mention his appearance? He's wearing black cover-alls and a stark white expressionless mask. If you try to put yourself in her shoes it's scary. You have no idea who this guy is, or why he's in your path.

Eventually, he gets to Curtis' friends and kills them. When he kills Bob, he just stares at him to watch him die. When he finally gets to Curtis, she fights back. She stabs him with a knitting needle in the neck, a wire hanger in the eye, and a knife to the chest...she's obviously thinking her ordeal is over. Who could survive all that? So we see Curtis(completely spent) sitting against the door frame. Myers is laying with a knife in his chest across the room. Then, in Sid's opinion, the single scariest moment in film history, Myers sits straight up, and turns his head to look at Curtis. He catches her, starts strangling her, but she pulls off his mask just as Dr. Loomis enters the room after hearing screaming. He shoots Myers SEVEN times causing him to fall out of a second-story window. When Loomis looks down to the ground to catch a final glimpse at his long-time patient, Myers is gone. Theme music ensues, final shot is of Curtis sitting on the floor crying at the realization that this indestructible force of evil who had the blackest eyes, the devil's eyes is still after her.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/HALLOWEEN/trailer/P00005631.htm

LIONHEART: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

Lionheart starts out with a guy getting set on fire and it stays hot until the end,

October 5, 2007

Lionheart stars Jean-Claude Van Damme. So, obviously it is an Unintentional Comedy Action flick. However, we, Sid the Elf, were not expecting such a strong effort. You had Frank Dux back for another round of whippings, you had the black detective from...wait for it...Death Ring!!!!!!! That's right, a Death Ring alum. Instant 2 stars. Then, to put the cherry on the sundae we had Freddy Bisco from Scent of a Woman, and the bad guy from Cobra!

Lionheart was a classically styled B-action. It had a lot of techniques from the Frank Leone(Sylvester Stallone) school of filmmaking. Van Damme was the tough fighter with a heart of gold. Teamed with the jive talking brother from Death Ring, they were the hottest on-screen couple we've seen in a long time. They even had the hug at the end instead of Van Damme and a chick. Sketchy, right? You have cheesy music which seems to rev Van Damme's engine. You had plot stretches as far as the eye could see. Van Damme jumps off a freight ship moving who-knows-how-fast in the middle of the night and swims to the shore of New York. Then, he decides to enter the glamorous world of fight clubbing. He literally starts off at the bottom, fighting homeless guys for food under a bridge. Let us interject for a second that if you're B in your own B movie, that's probably not a good sign for the future. Anyway, the guy from Death Ring "discovers" Van Damme and starts managing him. Ace and Gary win a few fights and make it to L.A., the big time as far as underground fighting in those days. But, they still live together in a small apartment. Hmmm. While in L.A. Dux stalks some family and kicks some major tail. He's even such an entrancing figure that the authorities are in awe of his lionheart and don't mess with him.

So, Lionheart earns the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval. It is king of the jungle. Well kids, it's getting mighty close to Christmas time, so Sid will be slowing down for a while. There are many pink turkey basters to make. But he will be doing reviews as often as he can.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/LIONHEART/trailer/P00001217.htm

LEPRECHAUN: 3.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T14:56:00.001-07:00

Try as she will try as she may Jennifer Aniston can't keep Leprachaun off her resume,

October 3, 2007

All of you know out there that loyalty is an important thing. So, Sid had to stay true to his elf brethren and review Leprechaun. Unfortunately, while it definitely had unintentional comedy, it falls short of that lofty praise.

It is the perfect template of a B movie. You have the star(Jennifer Aniston) who winces every time she sees it on tv at 3 in the morning or when someone heckles her by brining it up(like Stallone with Death Race 2000). This begs an interesting question: will she turn B just like Sly? We, Sid the Elf say yes. She lost her man to a former Billy Bob doing-blood pendant wearing-brother frenching harlot. It can only get worse from there. You also had a plethora of "O, it's that guy" actors. You had Derrick Morris(Zack's daddy from Saved by the Bell), the fat guy from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure and Teen Wolf, Walter from Don't Tell Mom the Babysiter's Dead, and Larry from Summer School. I'm touched. Oh yeah, and the star of the show? An Elf. This guy made Sid a little mad the way he stole the jumping out of things and chasing people around move. But, we'll let it go for the greater good of B.

Since Sid always goes the extra mile, weather it be for the ladies or his valued readers, we found out that once upon a time Joe Bob showed Leprechaun on Monstervision. So, in honor of that, here go the drive-in totals:

1 impromptu eye transplant

1 bear-trapped leg

1 wheelchair chase scene featuring Sid's Irish cousin

1 green bleeding Leprechaun

38 bullets taken by Irish Sid

2 broken necks

1 purple sleeveless shirt worn by male stripper Larry

13 examples of 80's fashion(pump sneakers, L.A. gear, and hand-print jeans)...

and... 1 naughty elf feeling Jennifer Aniston's leg. ENJOYING YOU CHRISTMAS PRESENTS BABY? SANTA TREATS EVERYBODY RIGHT! O BOY!

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/LEPRECHAUN/trailer/P00004328.htm

CREEPSHOW 2: 4.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

Let's go Pancho, vamanos!, October 3, 2007

Oh boy! It's Sid the Elf here saying to Creepshow 2, "You ready to get reviewed now baby?" We saw this movie long ago and thought it was really good as a younger elf. Well, it still holds up today. Some other reviews panned the Creep vol.2 because "it wasn't scary and the acting is bad." Um, guys? It's an 80's horror movie. If the acting wasn't horrible enough to make the movie laughable, Sid wouldn't touch it with a pink turkey baster. Don't take us wrong, we still thought it was very very good and even a little creepy to the point where you would say to yourself, "Man, that would be not cool" when watching this movie. But, let's face it, even for the most avid horror fans you don't actually get scared by these movies. And if you do, chances are you have some serious issues and will grow up like Eclipse kissing pictures of girls in magazines. So, let's all relax on the fact that this movie wasn't SCARY. It was highly entertaining and extremely creative. I mean, a cigar store Indian comes to life and scalps some dude. And if you don't love the guy who says, "I feel the need the need for weed," you shouldn't ever be reading one of Sid the Elf's reviews.

Creepshow was definitely not the typical horror movie. It has 3 stories that were roughly 30 minutes with not a wasted second. We greatly prefer this to a killer stalking his victims for an hour then spending the next 30-60 minutes finishing them off. We've already established these movies couldn't possibly scare anyone, so wouldn't you opt for something a little creepy and highly entertaining than a Freddy/Jason/Halloween ripoff every time out of the gate? Well, Sid would. That's why he gives Creepshow 2 the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval.

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/CREEPSHOW_2/trailer/P00002184.htm

TOTAL RECALL: 5.0 out of 5 stars

2008-05-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

What's in da two week package?, September 30, 2007

Oh boy! Its Sid the Elf here to review Total Recall. We just can't get enough Arnold. Just hearing the guy talk is enough for a few stars. However, this review will not be the typical recounting of cheesy special effects, and how the plot cannot be possible because of the time-space continuum. This is Sid the Elf baby! You know what that means? Thats right: It's turbo time! If we, Sid the Elf, are reviewing this film, chances are it is pretty sweet and really funny. In Total Recall, Arnold plays Douglas Quaid. This is one of the coolest parts in movie history. He is a good-natured guy who will, if you cross him, rip your arms off and beat you to death with them. He is an adventurous and somewhat discontented construction worker in 2084 who has a strange fixation with Mars and wants to vacation there. That would be like wanting to vacation in Detroit now. His wife, played by "just starting to become hot" Sharron Stone, does not want to do that vacation, oddly. So, Arnold decides to get a vacation memory of Mars implanted, which apparently you will be able to do. Yeah, awesome. So, it turns out that his life now, as a construction worker, is a memory implantation. He's actually a secret agent on Mars, fighting a dictator who sells oxygen to the citizens. And his wife is a double agent who tries to kill him. Was this a political commentary on where America is heading? Sid doesn't know, but he does know that this movie rocked. It was an awesome premise for a movie, and it actually was the perfect vehicle for Arnold. This flick had 35 soundboard lines. Yes, 35. That's good enough to break into the Arnold movie pantheon. We even thought Total Recall was in the same league as Predator.

You can't argue Arnold's prowess. His hilarious voice and rippling muscles have a magnitism that can't be touched. He is totally dominating Sid's reviews right now. Total Recall is too good to not give the Sid the Elf Seal of Approval, 5 stars, or Joe Bob's Drive-In Totals. So, here it goes:

2 neck snappings(1 with a foot, which we doubt is even possible. B-alert!)

6 objects implanted in heads

1- 3 breasted chick...

and roughly 386 hilarious Arnold faces (note: from now on, when someone is straining so much that it looks like their teeth are trying to run away from their mouth that face will be known as the Arnold Total Recall face, the Douglas Quaid face, or the I Am Quaid face.)

Click here for movie trailer:http://www.videodetective.com/movies/TOTAL_RECALL/trailer/P00001109.htm

B movie clip of the week

2008-05-06T19:08:00.000-07:00

What else screams B movie like a good old Swayze flick. Oh I'm sorry I wasn't talking about Patrick, I was speaking of non other then very distorted looking version of Patrick also known as Don Swayze. This is yet another film that takes place in the future and proves the future of the movie world has nothing to offer. It seems that the producer figured the future would be dominated by tow truck drivers with Don Swayze being the King of them all. If you are a fan of Don or have never heard of him (odds are you fall into option b) then please click on the link. Yes the trailer with leave you slightly dumber but it's well worth the laugh.

http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=3498